PANTY DROPPING SHANDY

July 29, 2015
Let your date guess what they’re tasting.  They will be surprised and aroused.

Let your date guess what they’re tasting. They will be surprised and aroused.

Shandy, you dandy randy non-brandy.  This is a classic British drink that runs the gamut of concoctions from the mundane: beer mixed with 7-Up to the insane: beer mixed lighter fluid and sharks blood.   Let’s just call this one a compromise that is Forest Gump stupid easy to make.  The garnishes make all the difference.  The mint, lime and lemons are like the tuxedo that covers up a pair of tighty whiteys.  Shandy’s are refreshingly intoxicating and are perfect to cool your hot steamy ass off.  After all, Shandy’s were the drink of choice for the British imperialists occupying nation a whole muggier than their cooler limey homes.  So make like an imperialist swine and occupy some territory in your date’s pantalones. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGARITA

July 20, 2015
Celebrate Cinco de Mayo with cinco sessions de bango!

Celebrate Cinco de Mayo with cinco sessions de bango!

The time has come my friends to celebrate the Mexican army’s triumph over France in 1852!  Those of you who think today is Mexican Independence Day need to drop the Corona and sober up.  You see, nothing says raw sex appeal like Mexican military history.  No doubt we will all focus on the strategic importance of this victory rather than get piss drunk on tequila and stuff our mouths with all manner of FINGER FOODS.  But if you must indulge in the tomfoolery of celebrating Mexican culture, drink with style. The sexy senoritas and senors will respond more favorably to a beverage of this caliber than to a margarita made from that acidic pre-mix and bad tequila.  Now make like a Mexican jumping bean and dance around that sombrero.  Ole! Read the rest of this entry »


ELVIS LIVES (TO BANG) SMOOTHEE

June 24, 2015

Elvis has left the building…with your girl

The King is back. Elvis had the right idea with his clever combination of peanut butter, honey, and bananas. A little gold lame and you will be styling even posthumously. You can be the King of your kitchen when you start your morning out with a glass of burning love. Be the hound dog who gets all shook up in the sack, while avoiding singing in some jail with backup dancers in striped prison suits. This smoothee was made on a whim when I had fuck all for ingredients and was ravenous and parched from exhausting morning sex. Simple, fast, effective. The only thing lacking was a throng of screaming girls. Technically there was only one girl screaming my name. But Elvis wasn’t the King overnight so give me time. Read the rest of this entry »


BUNNY RANCH WATER

April 15, 2015
I'm sure you'll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole

I’m sure you’ll chase these bunnies down the rabbit hole

Celebrate like a proper American.  Freedom, baby, yeah!  Indulge in all your liberties, including those only legal in certain Nevada counties.  While I personally don’t pay to bang (I cook, remember?), I certainly exchange goods (my awesome food) for sexual favors. Make your own backyard into your bunny ranch.  If you are good enough, perhaps you can bang the local cougars for quick cash while they send their hubbies out for more hamburger buns.  This simple drink is perfect for drinking all day in the sun with those you wish to bang.  It’s especially enjoyable floating in a pool surrounded by hard bodies.  So relax from all your labors and drink up.  How else will we pull ourselves out of recession?

bunny ranch water prepTotal time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Eating Buddy: Any GRILLED GOODIES

Ingredients (per drink):
1. 2 shots silver tequila
2. Club soda
3. Ice
4. ½ lime
5. 1 small handful mint leaves
6. 2 STRAWBERRIES

Step 1

Fill each glass halfway up with ice.  Squeeze ½ a lime into each, dropping the rinds into cup.  Crush the strawberries in your hands and drop into the class.  Toss in a small handful of mint leaves.  Pour in the tequila.  Fill the rest of the glass with club soda and top each glass up with ice.

bunny ranch water mix

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WET DREAMYTINI

November 21, 2014

I’m dreaming of a wet martini.

Some dreams are memorable, others haunt you for weeks after, and the best kind leave your sheets sticky the next morning. That’s what we’re going for here. You want your dreams as naughty as you can get. This martini is here to turn those obscene dreams into reality. Why shouldn’t you indulge in all of your dreams, noble and sordid alike? You work hard; you do good throughout your life; you deserve to do a little bad. Next time you have a classy hottie over for something delicious and decadent, get dreamy with martini shaker. Bonus points that pomegranate juice is rich in cancer-fighting antioxidants so any perverted intentions get canceled out. Read the rest of this entry »


MAIL ORDER WHITE RUSSIAN BRIDE

September 19, 2014
You won't need Fedex with this Russian Mail Order Bride

You won’t need Fedex with this Russian Mail Order Bride

Olga came in a box, bubble-wrapped like a porcelain doll, holes punched into it so she could breathe. The shady website I bought her off of had to be translated by my sketchy coworker Sergei. I was $60 lighter, but now I had someone living in my house who did everything I pleased. And we’re not just talking washing dishes after one of my cooking frenzies! What made it all worth it, besides the commie sex of course, was that she had a white Russian prepared for me as soon as I came home from work. To this day, I have never found anyone who could make the drink half as well as my little Olga. What happened to her you ask? Turns out it was all a scam so she could steal my identity and my collection of baseball cards. I don’t even think Olga was her real name. Those rascally Russians! Read the rest of this entry »


GET MORGINA

August 1, 2014

Morgina? Aye yi, el capitan!

I discovered this drink purely by accident. While visiting New York, a friend brought me to one of the last games played in Yankee Stadium. Responsible members of society that we are, we pre-gamed in the subway. Serendipity inspired my friend to get a bottle of Captain Morgan’s while I was thirsty for a little Eurotrash soda and went with Orangina. As a lark, we combined forces and something magical happened. Two derelicts boozing on the subway caught their own lightning in a bottle! As the booze kicked in, we became spokesmen for our new beverage. I’m sure we frightened most of our fellow subway riders, but if we inspired only one other person, it was worth it. The game itself was uneventful. Truth be told, I don’t remember most of it. But after the game we caught up with some girls we me out at a bar the other night. The ladies did agree that we reinvented the wheel with our new beverage. We got muy intoxicado and carried on like pirates into the wee hours sans clothing. Read the rest of this entry »


TEQUILA TEMPTATION SUNRISE

May 12, 2014

Tequila to kill ya inhibitions and ability to tell right from wrong.

Tequila makes you crazy. No one who’s ever spent a night in college trying to bang an empty keg will argue with that. But that is what we love about it. Any and all sordid and possibly illegal acts we perform can be blamed on the mysterious Mexican firewater. I blame tequila even when I’m sober, usually when apologizing for banging someone I shouldn’t like my brother’s “off limits” friends. So this drink gives you carte blanche to act like a total madman/woman. And while you’re at it, you get a healthy dose of vitamin C from fresh squeezed OJ (there is no substitute for fresh squeezed; concentrate is totally whack). And if your health and taste aren’t enough, just think about that purty sunrise you can watch at any time of day or night. Read the rest of this entry »


MIMOSUCK IT

March 7, 2014

Open your mouth and take it all in...

Happy 2010 to my beloved readers! Here’s to another year full of dirty dishes and used condoms. You deserve to pour yourself a cocktail to celebrate. Go ahead. Don’t be shy. Take it all in. Suck it all the way down and then ask for more. Taste it? That’s the flavor of a mimosa supped up with all kinds of sexy. Sure you could have poured orange juice from concentrate, but we both know you are your date deserve better. Nothing but the goods for you, superstar. Get right up in it and take ownership over this non-cock-blocking cocktail. You are starting the day off with a bang. Hopefully more than one bang considering you are the embodiment of hot sex on a platter. Gulp-to-gulp, kitchen-to-bed, enjoy some fine morning head. Read the rest of this entry »


KINKY PINKY LADY

August 23, 2013

Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a stinky pinky, y’all!

Riding dirty is the Southern way.  At least that is what I learned on my most recent visit to New Orleans.  I befriended a Southern belle boozing it up with absinthe at a vampire bar down a dark alley.  She did not believe that I was a master of disaster in the kitchen. So I took her challenge on the spot to go back to her place and fix up a meal with only what I found in their kitchen.  This cutie with an even cuter accent was unprepared for the awesome assault I unleashed in her mouths and loins.  I managed to make NEVER FLAKES CRAB CAKES (minus the mango), a simple salad and a SLOB ON MY KNOBBLER COBBLER with pears.  My payment for all my efforts was a cocktail that I present to you. She called it a Pink Lady since she is after all genteel and demure.  But the demure soon fizzled away by our fourth round. That’s when she showed me true hospitality in her boudoir.  It was only after, while I sipped a lukewarm pink lady as she slumbered next to me that I understood the saying: “Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez.” Read the rest of this entry »