MIMOSUCK IT

March 7, 2014

Open your mouth and take it all in...

Happy 2010 to my beloved readers! Here’s to another year full of dirty dishes and used condoms. You deserve to pour yourself a cocktail to celebrate. Go ahead. Don’t be shy. Take it all in. Suck it all the way down and then ask for more. Taste it? That’s the flavor of a mimosa supped up with all kinds of sexy. Sure you could have poured orange juice from concentrate, but we both know you are your date deserve better. Nothing but the goods for you, superstar. Get right up in it and take ownership over this non-cock-blocking cocktail. You are starting the day off with a bang. Hopefully more than one bang considering you are the embodiment of hot sex on a platter. Gulp-to-gulp, kitchen-to-bed, enjoy some fine morning head. Read the rest of this entry »


KINKY PINKY LADY

August 23, 2013

Ain’t nothin’ wrong with a stinky pinky, y’all!

Riding dirty is the Southern way.  At least that is what I learned on my most recent visit to New Orleans.  I befriended a Southern belle boozing it up with absinthe at a vampire bar down a dark alley.  She did not believe that I was a master of disaster in the kitchen. So I took her challenge on the spot to go back to her place and fix up a meal with only what I found in their kitchen.  This cutie with an even cuter accent was unprepared for the awesome assault I unleashed in her mouths and loins.  I managed to make NEVER FLAKES CRAB CAKES (minus the mango), a simple salad and a SLOB ON MY KNOBBLER COBBLER with pears.  My payment for all my efforts was a cocktail that I present to you. She called it a Pink Lady since she is after all genteel and demure.  But the demure soon fizzled away by our fourth round. That’s when she showed me true hospitality in her boudoir.  It was only after, while I sipped a lukewarm pink lady as she slumbered next to me that I understood the saying: “Laissez Les Bon Temps Roulez.” Read the rest of this entry »


LICK YOUR LIPS MINT JULEP

May 3, 2013
Frankly, my dear.  I don't give a damn if you're tired.  Let's bang.

Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn if you're tired. Let's bang.

I do declare!  Watching all these thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby sure does make me hot under the collar.  The horse racing is nice too. The Southern belles wearing their summer hats and sundresses easily bests watching graceful four-legged beasts kick up fresh grass.  Hot to fucking trot!  It seems this race is nothing more than an excuse for bourgeois people to socialize and fornicate.  Fine with me.  It’s like a guy in a threesome.  He’s only there so the girls don’t feel like they are lesbians.  Don’t worry, girls.  Guys will always be willing to be your reason du jour.  Naturally, girls peeling sundresses off in the summer heat makes you want to cool off with a classic Southern beverage like the mint julep.  Plays your cards right, mix the drink well, and you gents might be lucky enough to be the excuse for a threesome.  Just remember, you’re really only there to watch.  Enjoy the show! Read the rest of this entry »


HOTTIE TODDY

December 14, 2012
Warm your date's bones before your bones get jumped!

Warm your date's bones before your bones get jumped!

It’s like an 80’s ski movie.  There you are in the ski lodge after a day making fresh turns all day on the slopes.  It’s snowing heavily and you’ve hung up your skis or snowboard.  Your bones start to thaw and across the bar you see a ski bunny or dude checking you out, a Hot Toddy in hand.  Not a bad idea.  You order yourself one before sauntering over and introducing yourself.  You make up a story about how you nearly made it to the 2002 Winter Olympics in Utah, but you chose instead to double major in quantum physics and Japanese at Oxford.  Sure you’re a billionaire now, but you regret not winning the gold for your country.  But hey, you’ll take their phone number as a consolation prize and make plans to meet up later after you shower the ski stink off.  Number in hand, you make your way over to high five your ski buddies and savor the Hot Toddy warming your cold bones. Read the rest of this entry »


CHASING GINGER TAIL

July 15, 2011
Ginger ale never tasted so damn innapproprate!

Ginger ale never tasted so damn innapproprate!

I’m the first to admit that I’ve had relations with a fire crotch.  Actually more than one.  More than…uh, never mind!  I may have a problem. All I see is red.  I probably should see a shrink about this.  The red menace of the Cold War ain’t got nothing on my compulsion for banging red heads.  Maybe it’s something primal like I was a bull killed by a matador in a past life.  Ole my ass!  At least now I get that red instead of being teased and tormented before being slaughtered for the crowd’s delight.  This refreshing and APHRODISIAC bombshell hits the spot and lures those gingers right in.  Be warned that it’s a bitch cleaning up all the red hairs gingers leave behind. Read the rest of this entry »


BLOOD ORANGASMIC MARTINI

January 28, 2011

This is one type of blood you would never fear.

Blood oranges are bulbous citrus-filled orgasms. They bring me more joy than I can possibly articulate with earthly language. Suffice to say that everything they touch gets better and classier. The fact you don’t have any in your kitchen makes me question your commitment to your libido. Now’s your chance to earn my respect back: truck on over to the store to get what’s yours. Got some now? Good. We may proceed with mixing up a sexsational cocktail that will leaving your date begging for more. I fully expect you to take credit for inventing this drink. Your date will be all the more impressed that you are a master mixologist in addition to being a cunning linguist with your cunnilingus. Now make it rainy, you bloody bastard! Read the rest of this entry »


POMMELONTINI BIKINI

November 12, 2010
Sex & The City?  More like Sex In The City!

Sex & The City? More like Sex In The City!

This one goes out to all you ladies having Sex & The City parties or just having sex in the city.  We all know that you sophisticated women of the world like to relax and gab out their lives with a cocktail in hand.  Sure the Cosmo is the uniform drink, but me thinks there’s a room for a new contender.  The Sour Apple Martini is way to tart and a regular James Bond-style martini is way too boozy and requires you to have a watch that shoots lasers.  Surely there’s a happy medium that is classy, refined and the “just right” like the Little Red Riding Hood in Jimmy Choos seeks.  Ladies, I present to you a simple, fast and “just right” cocktail that has made every woman I served it to just a bit classier, not to mention friskier.  So whether it makes you Charlottes into Samanthas or the Mirandas into a Carries (feel free to correct me as I watched the show only once with my mother who insisted that the key to understanding women was watching Sex & The City), COOK TO BANG has you covered. Read the rest of this entry »


NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

September 24, 2010
This Bellini for me?  Ain't you a pureed peach!

This Bellini for me? Ain't you a pureed peach!

Most of us can’t claim to have a 100-foot yacht, 10 personal assistants, and our own private island. That privilege belongs to me.  These lavish riches are made possible by blogging about cooking and banging in my drafty garage. Sorry, suckers.  But fear not, for you can simulate this dilettante existence with a few simple adjustments: Cook with real potatoes rather than microwave tater tots you bought with food stamps; light your dining room table with candles instead of your Winnie the Pooh nightlight; make a classy drink from scratch rather than drink 3 bottles of Night Train in front of the Home Depot.  Easy enough even if you don’t light your Cuban cigars with $100 bills like me.  May I introduce this bubbly taste of class known to the civilized world as the Bellini?  It’s like a Mimosa remix that keeps them coming back for seconds, thirds and their tenth glass.  And what perfect timing with Valentines Day around the corner!  Serve this with dessert or the morning after following a night of carnal consummation.  You could also just pour it all over your naked body and invite your sweetie to lick you clean.  Regardless, know that you are in fact a peach. Read the rest of this entry »


MELLOW JELL-O MAKES’EM BELLOW

February 6, 2009
Class up the Jell-O by setting them in citrus rinds

Class up the Jell-O by setting them in citrus rinds

Jell-O shots are a symbol of youthful indiscretion.  The very use of them conjures up memories of high school or college parties.  Turning alcohol into a solid, easily tossable form indicates a clear problem with authority.  Anyone making, serving or slurping these lacks maturity and predictability.  Shame shame, they know your name!  If the kid in you still wants to play hard, read on.  If you are shaking your head with disappointment, might I recommend the AARP website where they offer great tips for keeping your shuffleboard skills tip top during winter.  Fact: Jell-O shots are silly. Fact: Jell-O shots are a crapshoot of adventure.  Part of the fun is seeing how hard they’ll hit you (CTB recommends caution, of course).  Chances are good that you’ll end up drunkenly manhandling someone who will hopefully molest you right back. Both your chins will be stained from gelatin and your brains tainted with booze.  Do Bill Cosby proud and say it loud, “There’s always room for Jell-O!”

jello-shots-prepTotal time: approximately 4 hours
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Drinking Buddy: You’re eating your drink, Mm mm!

Ingredients:
1. 1 package of Jell-O, chef’s choice on flavor
2. 2 cups of vodka
3. 2 cups of water
4. Handful of separated mint leaves
5. 6 lemons or oranges to half & hollow out

Step 1
Bring the water to a roaring boil.  Dump in the Jell-O mix and stir until the powder dissolves completely (approx 2 minutes).  Turn off the heat and pour the cold or room temperature vodka into the mix.
jello-shots-heat-and-mix
Step 2
Cut the lemon or oranges in half and hollow them out.  Use a ladle to pour the unformed Jell-O liquid to the brim of each hollow rind.  Place in the fridge and allow them to cool and harden (approx 4 hours).  Halfway through the process, place a mint sprig in each half and allow them to set.  Serve the Jell-O shots up
jello-shots-lemon

There's always room for Jell-O!

There's always room for Jell-O!

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NAUGHTY EGGNOG

December 24, 2008

This Naughty Nog, ba-rumpa-pum-pum

This Naughty Nog, ba-rumpa-pum-pum

So it’s Christmas time.  You may need to bring something to your (or your significant other’s) family holiday party or perhaps you and a sexy someone have decided to do your own Christmas thang.  It’s about that time to bust something homemade out to leave an outstanding impression.  Make this homemade eggnog recipe you will just do that.  If all goes to plan everyone will be too tanked to think of you as anything but a champ.  Encourage the lot of them to drink up, be merry.  Not merry yet?  Have another glass of this naughty nog.  After enough glasses of this creamy cocktail and they’d forgive you for banging the dog (do us all a favor and abstain from this).  My first experiment with this drink happened during a frightening visit to the ex-Navy colonel father of a girl I was dating after college.  She told me about his medals of valor, not to mention his collection of antique guns.  This was a delicate situation that was easily defused by strong eggnog I threw together on a whim.  By the end of the night Colonel Kill You In Your Sleep was crooning along to Bing Crosby Christmas carols and calling me “son.”  The eggnog was like Kevlar and I was the drunken Baby Jesus.

Total time: approximately 1¼ hours = 3 minutes to prep, the rest to chill
Projected cost: $5 (not including liquor)
Eating Buddy: Christmas cookies

egg-nog-prep-copyIngredients (for 6 sexy servings):
1. 2 ½ cups of whole milk
2. ½ cup of dark rum
3. ½ cup of brandy
4. 2 cups of heavy cream
5. 1 cup brown sugar
6. 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
7. Nutmeg to taste
8. 6 eggs

Step 1
In a large mixing bowl, add each ingredient separately and beat them in this order: eggs, brown sugar, and vanilla extract.  After beating it all together, toss in some ground nutmeg.
egg-nog-eggs-sugar-vanilla-copy
Step 2
Like in Step 1, add each ingredient and mix thoroughly in this order: heavy cream, milk, rum and brandy.  Beat it together again and chill in the fridge for at least an hour before serving.  After chilling, mix it up again and then ladle up some glasses and sprinkle more nutmeg.  Ho ho ho!  egg-nog-cream-milk-liquor-pour-copy
egg-nog-served-21

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