SPANK MY HALIBUT

June 5, 2015
Alaskan halibut is sexier than Sarah Palin marinaded in contradiction

Alaskan halibut is sexier than Sarah Palin marinaded in contradiction

Welcome to the big time, my friends.  This dish is intended for someone rather special because halibut ain’t cheap and it takes a while to prepare.  But you can’t put a price on edible orgasms, at least not legally outside of Amsterdam.  Your date will be so impressed by this outstanding piece of seafood that you will need a crowbar to pry them off of you.  If they are not thoroughly blown away by your cooking prowess than they are most likely a cyborg from the future sent to kill you before you sire the rebel leader a la John Connor.  This is actually a great litmus test that could very well save humanity.  But I digress.  The point is this dish will set your date’s mouth and loins ablaze with passion.  The first time I prepared this dish, I received countless e-mails from my date’s friends who I did not know asking me for the recipe. Only a fool would simply hand over a recipe (case in point).  Instead I offered the cute ones private tutorials.  To the Alaskan halibut fisherman, I owe you a beer or ten! Read the rest of this entry »


NAUGHTY MAHI

January 26, 2015
Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!

Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!

There are a lot of slutty fish out there.  The puffer fish for one has been known to service just about anything aquatic with a pulse.  But no fish is quite so whorish as the mahi mahi.  Known to some as the dolphin fish, mahi mahi takes after their sex-crazed mammal namesake.  Dolphins are known to attempt banging humans, but dolphin fish manage to pull it off and usually on camera for a couple of fish.  I can imagine the Animal Planet viewers reading this believe I am making this up.  To these naysayers I warn, “Enter the water at your own peril…or pleasure.”  Getting molested by a large fish isn’t all it’s cracked up to be.  First, you risk drowning long before you reach orgasm.  Second, you can be sure the dolphin fish will never call you again.  Don’t buy that it’s because fish don’t own phones.  The bastard could certainly borrow a phone from a fisherman or something.  But in spite of the slut factor of mahi mahi, they taste mighty fine.  Mahi mahi doesn’t require much prep time so there’s no need to wait like you would for some tease to put out until date 3.  Throw in some sautéed veggies, PAPAYA SALSA and avocado and your date will take on the trampy qualities so beloved in the Naughty Mahi. Read the rest of this entry »


SMACK THAT SEA BASS

May 9, 2014

Just say no to crack.  But say yes to smacking that sea bass!

Just say no to crack. But say yes to smacking that sea bass!

Did you hear that crack? That’s the sound of my hand against flesh? You know you love it. Denying it is as believable as a crackhead swearing the car stereo in his hand was a birthday gift. So just enjoy the pleasure this gives you like you would a massage with a happy ending. There’s no shame in indulging in life’s simple pleasures. Your date will no doubt agree when you let them taste a little of your thunder. That is, after they catch their breath. So bring the noise and don’t hesitate to smack this dish loud and proud. Read the rest of this entry »


TATER TILAPIA TILABIA

May 27, 2010

The tilapia swam through tilabia

This recipe comes from Olly in San Diego, CA. Very inspiring use of potatoes here. Olly writes:

What can I say about this? We got carbs and protein welded together in a half crispy, half tender bump and grind in your mouth. It’s time to cast your rod and catch one of the many fish in the sea. Slather them up with your love potion and show them all the culinary affection you can muster. Read the rest of this entry »


LEFTOVER SCHMEFTOVER EGGY WEGGYS

October 13, 2009
SF leftover eggs served

If they ask "Should I stay or should I go?", just shrug.

Sometimes the f@$%-it-all attitude is the best approach to life.  Whether we’re talking dating, cooking or anything that involves sheer pleasure, take a backseat and let it be whatever it will be.  I know that may sound difficult when you want something badly.  Trust me, I’ve been there and learned late in life the importance of not sweating the details. Heed my advice and settle down, tiger.  The eager beaver gnaws on wood and not much else.  This breakfast is a perfect metaphor.  The previous night I grilled my best SPANK MY HALIBUT yet along with some BOAST THE MOST ASS-PARAGUS for a date in who enjoyed it enough to let me sleep over.  Come morning time after my second round of banging the cobwebs out of my eyes, I stumbled casually into the kitchen and made this dish in a matter of minutes.  We dined, we banged and I slipped out the door, all at a leisurely pace, yet made it to work…only 15 minutes late!

Total time: approximately 5 minutes

Projected cost: $3 (plus whatever it cost to make leftovers)

Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

SF leftover eggs prepIngredients (for 2):

1. 1 dash black pepper

2. 1 dash salt

3. 1 tbsp olive oil

4. 3 eggs

5. 4 tbsp SIMPLY SEXY SALSA

6. 2 slices cheddar cheese

7. Leftover GRILLED FISH

8. Leftover ASPARAGUS

Step 1

Beat the salt and peppered eggs.

SF leftover eggs beat

Step 2

Sauté the chopped leftover asparagus and fish with the olive oil (approx 2 min).  Pour in the eggs, but don’t scramble, just let the egg form around the leftovers like a pancake.  When the eggs cook through (approx 3 min), chop up the cheddar cheese and toss them on top, turn off the heat and cover, and allow it to melt.  Split eggs in half, serve up on plates and throw down some salsa.

SF leftover eggs saute scramble

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EAT-A MY PITA SINWICH

September 2, 2009
If you eat-a my pita, I'll gladly reciprocate.

If you eat-a my pita, I'll gladly reciprocate.

That’s right, you read that right. Eat-a my goddamn pita! I don’t care if it sounds rude.  In fact, it is quite the opposite.  I’m trying to make sure you eat something nutritious…for a change.  Don’t harp on me just because I’m looking out for you.  No one else has the courage to set your dumb ass straight.  You should be thanking me not only for my kindness, but for this sandwich that’s likely the only calories you consume this week that are nonalcoholic.  But now that we got the pleasantries out of the way, bitch, let’s get down the hate-fucking each other before work.  Passive aggressive sex with pita sandwiches on the go coming right up!

Total time: approximately 7 minutes

Projected cost: $4

Drinking Buddy: Sauvignon blanc or beer

leftover salmon sinwich prepIngredients (serves 2):

1. 1 thyme pita pizza

2. 2 tbsp HUMMUS

3. 2 handfuls leftover FISH (salmon in pics)

4. 2 large handfuls romaine chopped coarsely

5. 1 small handful kalamata olives

Step 1

Preheat the oven to 200°F/90°C so you can warm the pita pizza up. Spread hummus over half the pita.  Scatter the fish, lettuce and pitted olives evenly.  Fold the pita over in half and cut them into two sandwiches.

leftover salmon sinwich assemble

Serve these as a light dinner or when you’re rushing out the door for a meeting because you dillydallied too long with the hot piece of ass in your bed.

leftover salmon sinwich served 2

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SALMON GRILLS AND PASTA THRILLS

June 8, 2009
This fish dish offers thrills, grills, and hopefully no spills.

This fish dish offers thrills, grills, and hopefully no spills.

Some naysayers will claim that salmon is a boring fish to eat.  So predictable, so typical, so uninspired. You have my permission to give them an atomic wedgie for believing they think outside of the box.  These people haven’t left the box since slap bracelets were in.  Salmon is only as boring as the chef cooking with it.  Think of it salmon as a blank canvas for a painter or a mold of clay for a sculptor.  You could just paint a still life or sculpt a symmetrical vase.  But you could also create something groundbreaking that will shake the art world to its self-righteous core.  Now translate that “fuck the norm” attitude to your culinary creations.  Throw some flare into that fish and your night’s post-curricular activities will be rated for Mature audiences only due to nudity, sexual content and adult language. Violence will be notably absent.

salmon pasta prepTotal time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $14
Drinking Buddy: White wine

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tsp of sea salt
2. 8-ounces of dry penne pasta
3. 3 tbsp of olive oil
4. 1 lb SALMON filet
5. 1 handful of sliced mushrooms
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 handful of fresh ROSEMARY
8. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lemon halved

Step 1
If you are grilling with charcoal, get the coals going.  Marinate the salmon in 2 tbsp of olive oil, pluck the rosemary from the sprig and squeeze ½ the lemon over it.
salmon pasta marinate
Step 2
Boil the penne al dente, seasoning the water with olive oil and sea salt (approx 10 min).  While you wait for the pasta to boil, move onto Step 3.  When the pasta is ready, drain and mix it in with sautéed veggies in Step 3.
salmon pasta boil mix
Step 3
Sauté the garlic and onion with the remaining olive oil on medium heat.  Mix in the mushrooms and sauté it all with sea salt ½ tsp of salt until they are soft (approx 6 min).
salmon pasta saute
Step 4
When the charcoal or gas grill is ready, throw the marinated fish on.  Pour the excess marinade over the fish and put on the lid.  Grill until the outside of the fish whitens and the inside is a pinkish white (approx 5 min).  salmon pasta bbq serve it

Serve pieces of salmon over plates of pasta and squeeze the remaining lemon.
salmon pasta served 2

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