APHRODISIAC BOOTY BOMB SCRAMBLE

September 16, 2015
KA-BOOM!  This dish will shake the room.

KA-BOOM! This dish will shake the room.

KA-BOOM!  Don’t worry your pretty little head.  It’s not North Korea or Russia dropping bombs.  This bomb is going off in your mouth and then in your pants. The APHRODISIAC quantities have been quadrupled to ensure you get your based needs met. It’s sort of like napalming an entire jungle to take out one sniper.  Overkill?  Perhaps.  But the job gets done and you get off.  This overzealous approach happens to offer banging flavor blasts that should keep you popping, locking and dropping trow.  Finally you have a reason to get up out of bed where you have someone slumbering peaceful and naked.  Wake them up with a mouthful of eggs and a crotch full of you.  KA-BLOOEY! Read the rest of this entry »


LOX BREAKFAST BRAIN SCRAMBLE

June 22, 2015

Lox me up, because otherwide, I'd break these chains and ravage anything in my sight.

With Valentines Day creeping in like a ninja assassin, you better be ready with you’re A-game if you are seeing someone you like. It’s make or break time that will define where this relationship of yours will progress towards. If you don’t like them all that much, might I suggest a vacation far far away. You don’t want to be anywhere near town with a clinger you’re about to retire. But those of you lucky enough to have that one person you would gladly Cook To Bang every night, you need to start Valentine’s Day off right. There are few better approaches than breakfast in bed. Cliche it may be, but effective at not only dropping panties, but also keeping them off for long gaps of time it is. This fancy scramble from the future us perfect for sending the message that, ìNot only do I enjoy banging you, but also listening to you talk while we eat breakfast together.î If that is not true love, I weep for the future. Read the rest of this entry »


TANGY BANGY SHRIMP SCRAMBLE

May 14, 2014
Experimenting in the kitchen leads to experimenting in the bedroom.

Experimentation makes the world go round. Where would we be without Ben Franklin accidentally barbecuing himself with a kite? I approach cooking with the same punk rock philosophy. My instincts usually lead to success, but every once in a while I crash a burn. My culinary experiments usually take place behind closed doors, the windows drawn, and a former Mossad security team keeping out the paparazzi. I can’t have my cooking rep suffer should I create a black hole of shame in my kitchen. There were these peanut butter cookies I made without sugar that were so bad they will follow me to into grave and end up stuffed in my suit pocket. Every once in a while a new recipe needs to be attempted on the spot. This skeptical lawyer whose ass still looks banging under her pantsuit was concerned when she saw me peel a tangerine and shell shrimp. “You’re putting that in my eggs?” I calmed down this sexpot lawyer that dominates in the courtroom and bedroom by pouring coffee into one of my beloved PHOTO MUGS. She drank the java, then ate her words, and entire plate, even forking away one of my shrimp! my lawyer lover  ended up being late to her deposition because she subpoenaed me between the sheets. CTB 1 – LAW 0. Read the rest of this entry »


MANGOES & BANGOES SOME CHICKEN’S SCRAMBLER

February 18, 2010

Bango my mango? Yes please!

This Caribbean nod to all things breakfasty brought a smile to my face and the lucky recipient who was awoken by the smell. It was like an old Tom & Jerry cartoons where the scent literally drags sleeping Jerry out of safe slumbering mouse-hole. But instead of a cartoon mouse, picture a hot young thing dressed in nothing but her pride. Breakfast was served, Cook To Bang style. I swear I could hear the faint sound of steel drums as morning became afternoon in the comfort of my own bed.

Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: MIMOSUCK IT

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash paprika
4. 3 eggs
5. 1/4 lb chicken minced
6. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
7. 1/2 mango cubed
8. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly

Step 1
Beat the eggs with green onions and salt.

Step 2
Season the chicken with paprika. Heat up the oil on medium heat and brown the chicken.

Step 3
Throw in the mango chunks and pour in the beaten eggs. Scramble to your liking.

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DOUBLE E-CUP MORNINGS

December 4, 2009

Go ahead. Cop a feel.

Ever woken up next to someone WAY out of your league? Last night is a blur, you’re unsure of this hottie’s name, and you’re wondering if your benefactor is Make A Wish Foundation.   However you got here is irrelevant should you wish to see this stone-cold sexpot after they walk out your door.  Sure if it was another skank you assured your friends, “I know. It’s been a while. But seriously, dude, I know!” you wouldn’t bother with an Eggo waffle.  But on rare occasions where your lucky ass hits the hookup jackpot, you need to bring your morning A-game.  This is one such meal memorable enough to get a repeat or three-peat or possibly a repeat with a three-peat of conquests. Just ask the ballerina I’m told I picked up at a black tie Art Gala I crashed. Pictures of the two of us in the BG behind celebrities smiling like douches confirms the story, but you could have told me I saved her from a crazy Sheik’s harem and I’d take your word for it. This girl was in a hurry, presumably to pirouette across some stage, so I had to hook her up on the quick.  The cabbage cups made one hell of a carb-light wrap for my tiny dancer to chow on the go.  Later on it was she who called me and texted me and facebooked me and…Chill, homegirl! This dish may just be too effective.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes

Projected cost: $6

Drinking Buddy: Fresh OJ or BANGARITA

Ingredients (serves 2):

1. 2 intact cabbage cups

2. 1 dash paprika

3. 1 dash black pepper

4. 1 dash salt

5. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil

6. 1 handful fresh spinach

7. SIMPLY SEXY SALSA

8. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly

9. 2 sausages (pork/chicken/veggie) sliced thinly

10. 3 eggs

Step 1

Crack the eggs and whisk them together with the salt, black pepper and paprika.

Step 2

Sauté the sausage with olive oil until they brown on both sides (approx 3 min).  Mix in the spinach and sauté until it wilts (approx 2 min).  Pour in the egg mixture and scramble like a champ (approx 2 min).

Step 3

Scoop half of the eggs in each cabbage cup. Crown with avocado and salsa.

The odds of stopping this BREAKFAST from sealing the seduction package deal are not good.

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CHARD ON EGGS

November 18, 2009
chard eggs served

Breakfast totally gets me hard

Breakfast just gets my juices flowing if you catch my drift.  And it’s not just because of morning wood.  Eating something delicious and nourishing in the cold, dark hours of a new day puts in a good place.  It’s not unlike morning sex. The combination of the two sends me to work with a bounce in my step that no micromanaging boss could take away.  So when captain douche bag stops by your cubicle to ask how that report is coming along, you can look them in the eye, smile and say, “I’m right on top of that.”  What you’re really thinking is, “I spent my morning humping, pumping and then munching, so suck it, boss man.”  Now get on with your day because you have a night of cooking and banging to look forward to while your boss will go home to cry into a bowl of soggy Cheerios.

chard eggs prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Free squeezed OJ or NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash paprika
2. 1 dash garlic salt
3. 2 massive handfuls chard
4. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
5. 4 eggs
6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 2 bacon strips

Step 1
Chop the bacon into nibbles.  Wash the chard and chop.
chard eggs chop
Step 2
Beat the eggs with garlic salt and paprika.
chard eggs beat
Step 3
Fry the bacon in the olive oil until crispy.  Throw in the chard and cook down (approx 2 min).  pour in the eggs and ever so slowly scramble so they form in slabs of eggy goodness.  Top it off avocado slices and prepare for liftoff.
chard eggs scramble

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DON’T BRIE RAMBLIN’ WHILE SHROOM SCRAMBLIN’

October 6, 2009
Stuffing your talkative guest's mouth is a Brie-liant move!

Stuffing your talkative guest's mouth is a Brie-liant move!

Are they still talking? Sheesh! You haven’t said a word in the last five minutes. Don’t they need to breathe at some point? I’ve spent long periods of time with ramblers who keep blabbering about topics I stopped commenting on hours ago. Being crazy passionate about something is sexy, but at a certain point you should hand the conch off to someone else to talk. This rambling generally occurs after a night of unscrupulous dalliances when you are ready to sleep soundly. You banged someone physically hot enough, but mentally a little on the dim side. Don’t worry for they will eventually get the hint when the sound of your snoring pierces their conversation bubble. But sure as the sun rises, the ramble train will keep rolling come morning. You’re best stuff something into that mouth stat. You can go many different routes, many of which are perverted, kinky or slightly illegal. But in this case, try filling those unwavering noise boxes with some delicious food. At least the conversation will move towards the topic of food, your food. At that point you can steer the conversation from your food to your bed.

musrhoom bacon brie eggs prepTotal time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil*
2. 2 bacon strips (*if using turkey or veggie bacon)
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
6, 4 eggs
7. 2 handfuls sliced mushrooms
8. I small handful of Brie chunks

Step 1
Crack the eggs, salt and pepper them, and then beat vigorously.
musrhoom bacon brie eggs beat
Step 2
Cut the bacon up into small slices and fry them until they brown. Add olive oil if you need and then sauté the mushrooms until they soften (approx 3 min)
musrhoom bacon brie eggs saute
Step 3
Add the egg mixture and scramble them dry (approx 3 min). Turn off the heat, toss the Brie pieces on top of the eggs, and then cover with a lid, letting the trapped heat melt the cheese.
musrhoom bacon brie eggs scramble brie
Serve up with some BED & BREAKFAST POTATOES or SWEET ASS-BROWNS.

musrhoom bacon brie eggs served

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