March 28, 2016
You gotta lick it before you zucchini stick it!
I’m not trying to be crass. It’s just an open invitation for your tongue. Do what you gotta, but the door is always open. This is for your benefit after all. Much like Christmas or Hanukkah, I get way more pleasure giving than receiving. I assure you this arrangement will be mutually beneficial and your tongue will likely be writing me a thank you note or, at the very least, a Facebook poke. When your tongue is done licking, you’ll be good to go for any number of sporting events or tailgating parties. Then you’ll be the one whose stick all the cool kids want to lick. Monday football never tasted so naughty!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. ¼ cup breadcrumbs
3. Ranch dressing to dip
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 1 dash garlic salt
6. 2 dashes dry BASIL flakes
7. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
8. 1 zucchini
9. 2 eggs
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/230°C. Cut the ends off the zucchini and then cut into bite-sized sticks.
Step 2
Create the breading by combining the breadcrumbs, black pepper, garlic salt, basil and cayenne pepper. In a separate bowl, beat the eggs.
Step 3
Grease a pan with olive oil. Dip each zucchini stick in eggs and then roll in the breading. Place each stick in the pan, leaving room between them. Throw them in the oven and bake until the breading browns (approx 7-10 min).
Serve this lower-fat FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY up with the ranch and score a touchdown.
2 Comments | 
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Posted by cooktobang
January 27, 2016
You’re a artichoke heartbreaker, love-maker, bed-shaker!
Hear that high-pitched sound not unlike a champagne glass shattering against the wall? That’s a million hearts being broken by this ass-gettin’ APHRODISIAC appetizer. The hook is that it’s baked, not deep-fried, keeping those asses slimmer and more inclined to get down later. Don’t wallow in bloated oily malaise. Bake those hearts before you break more hearts. I figured this out when I brought a platter for a playoff party. The diehard fans were crushed by the loss, but they took solace with my healthy-ish finger food. One particularly devastated, but delicious female fan got an extra dose of comforting by the chef. Soon her sorrow over her team’s seasonal demise was overshadowed by the fact I didn’t call her again. I still feel bad, but my calendar is jam-packed for the next month with more hearts to break. Next! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, artichoke, artichoke heartbreakers recipe, baked, baked artichoke hearts, bang, banging, baseball, breadcrumbs, breaded artichoke hearts, champagne, comfort, cooking spray, delicious, DIY, dodgers, easy, egg, fans, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, flour, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, mlb, naked, not fried, parmesan, phillies, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sun dried tomato, sun-dried tomato aioli, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 5, 2014
Reap the harvest you sow in your date’s loins!
Or was that destruction? These toasted pumpkin seeds will no doubt help get your seduction going; any resistance to your charms will be obliterated. Crunchy, spicy, and totally thrilling. What a perfect use for ingredients most folks toss away with less concern than for a used condom. Tis unfortunate because pumpkin seeds can provide a great nibble while you whip up the rest of your feast. That way you won’t leave your culinary conquest chomping at the bit. They will be satisfied from the get go with your amazing kitchen feats. So long as you follow them up with a little razzle-dazzle on a plate, you will have succeeded at planting the seeds of seduction that will sprout from their mouth all the way down to their loins. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, southern, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, bar food, boil, Cajun seasoning, calivirgin, crunchy, culinary conquest, delicious, destruction, DIY, easy, finger food, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, pumpkin seeds, pumpkin seeds of seduction, razzle dazzle, recipe, salad topping, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, snack, spicy, spicy pumpkin seeds, starter, tasty, toast, toasted pumpkin seeds recipe, topping, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 25, 2012
Blackened Catfish, blacker heart
I like my catfish to match the color of my heart: black. At least that’s what every girl I just banged has said. Apparently sleeping with someone with no emotion beyond “boy that was fun, but the fact she hasn’t left yet is starting to annoy me” is not nice guy behavior. Who knew? I try to make up for my morally bankrupt existence through my culinary endeavors. Who’s to say that cooking a meal worthy of Jesus, Moses, Mohammed or Yoda can’t redeem oneself? This blackened catfish should at least temporarily make up for my blackened heart. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, southern, spicy | Tagged: bad boy, bang, banging, black pepper, blacked catfish recipe, blackeded heart catfish, butter, Cajun catfish recipe, catfish, cayenne pepper, creole, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, grill, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jesus, kitchen, lemon aphrodisiac, libido, lousiana, marinate, mohammed, moses, naked, New Orleans, nice guy, pan-fry, paprika, recipe, red wine vinegar, salt, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, southern, spicy, star wars, tasty, yoda, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 2, 2012
With this soup, you’ll always say, “Check mate!”
You are looking oh so fine!
I’ll warm you up and make you mine,
Ignore these less than stellar rhymes,
Just say yes to a little wine and dine!
Your creamy texture makes me yell,
I get all bent for your spicy smell,
Orgasms peak at the dinner bell,
Making the pious say, “What the hell?”
You make a player from a leper
A cocky bastard from a half-stepper
I collect coin with every endeavor
Cause you’re my little bell pepper.
Total time: approximately 80 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: LECHEROUS LEPRECHAUN
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ tsp of CAYENNE PEPPER
2. ½ tsp of cumin
3. 1 can of chicken stock (veg for vegan)
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. Black pepper to taste
7. ½ tsp of garlic salt
8. 3 red bell peppers
9. 1 onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Roast the bell peppers in the oven at 400 degrees F until the skin blackens (approx 45 min). Remove from oven and throw them in a sealed bag. Refrigerate until they cool (approx 15 min), remove the skin and chop coarsely.
Step 2
While awaiting the peppers to cool, sauté the onions with the olive oil on medium heat. Add the garlic salt, cayenne pepper and cumin and cook in the flavor (approx 5 min). Add the red bell peppers and the black pepper and let them soak up some taste (approx 2 min).
Step 3
Pour in the stock, bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer closed until the veggies soften (approx 15 min). Puree the madness and then add the coconut milk and stir thoroughly.
2 Comments | RECIPES | Tagged: bang, banging, black pepper, cayenne pepper, chicken stock, cocky bastard, coconut milk, cumin, delicious, DIY, easy, endeavor, fine as hell bell pepper soup recipe, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, orgasm, poem, poetry, puree, recipe, red bell pepper, rhyme, roasted bell pepper soup recipe, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy, tasty, thai style bell pepper soup, vegan, vegetable stock, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 18, 2009
Breakfast totally gets me hard
Breakfast just gets my juices flowing if you catch my drift. And it’s not just because of morning wood. Eating something delicious and nourishing in the cold, dark hours of a new day puts in a good place. It’s not unlike morning sex. The combination of the two sends me to work with a bounce in my step that no micromanaging boss could take away. So when captain douche bag stops by your cubicle to ask how that report is coming along, you can look them in the eye, smile and say, “I’m right on top of that.” What you’re really thinking is, “I spent my morning humping, pumping and then munching, so suck it, boss man.” Now get on with your day because you have a night of cooking and banging to look forward to while your boss will go home to cry into a bowl of soggy Cheerios.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Free squeezed OJ or NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash paprika
2. 1 dash garlic salt
3. 2 massive handfuls chard
4. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
5. 4 eggs
6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 2 bacon strips
Step 1
Chop the bacon into nibbles. Wash the chard and chop.
Step 2
Beat the eggs with garlic salt and paprika.
Step 3
Fry the bacon in the olive oil until crispy. Throw in the chard and cook down (approx 2 min). pour in the eggs and ever so slowly scramble so they form in slabs of eggy goodness. Top it off avocado slices and prepare for liftoff.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bacon, bang, banging, boss, breakfast, calivirgin, chard, chard on eggs recipe, chard scrambled eggs, cheerios, cubicle, delicious, DIY, douche bag, easy, eggs, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, low fat, micromanaging, morning sex, MORNING WOOD, naked, nourishing, olive oil, paprika, recipe, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 