COCONUT COD-PIECE

February 5, 2016
Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!

Slap on that codpiece and eat some goddamn cod!

I generally don’t recommend being bashful and covering up your naughty bits. But for some reason it has been deemed socially unacceptable to prance around naked in public. So when social decorum outweighs your exhibitionist tendencies, you need to figure out a classy way to cover up. Bring on the codpiece! Your most shocking parts will be hidden from view, yet you will leave everyone guessing what you could possibly be packing. And that’s just where you want to be. Apply this same hidden package of awesome theory to the meal you serve to your date. Nothing packs quite a flavor wallop like this black cod dish I made as an afterthought. The task at hand was preparing MISO HORNY COD that has been dropping panties since 2003. But I had leftover cod that required my swift attention lest these beautiful cuts of fish go the way of slap bracelets. So my date the following night was given a rarefied chance to try something new and totally untested. This dish is what follows and thank god for that! Lord knows she was thanking god in her own lascivious way. Read the rest of this entry »


SMACK MY BISQUE UP

December 14, 2015
Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

Man goes where the mangos flow and the seafood knows

You can almost hear the steel drums and kinky Reggae when you slurp this sexy take on a Caribbean classic.  It takes a little work to harness the flavors, but trust me when I say it’s well worth the time (hint hint).  Shrimp mango bisque is both nutritious and loaded with aphrodisiacs that will put you on the path to gratification.  The sweet taste of mango compliments the spices; the shrimp are just begging to soak in the sweet and spicy flavor bursts.  My first encounter with this dish was at Club Med in Turks and Caicos as a child rather clueless as to why the adults danced so closely together after a downing a bowl.  Perversity and ingenuity have since led me to honing the recipe to what you see before you. SMACK MY BISQUE UP has become a reliable go to dish that brings that Caribbean sunshine to my kitchen and bedroom even in the dead of winter.  Go on, make Bob Marley proud!

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CHICKEN MANGO QUESADIDDLE-YA

September 30, 2015
Of course I'll quese-do-ya!!!

Of course I'll quese-do-ya!!!

Diddle me this.  Diddle me that.  Who’s afraid of getting fat?  Not I, says the COOK TO BANG chefs who cook healthy, badass food, and then subsequently burn off those calories banging like chimpanzees on meth.  So we can afford to indulge in a little turbocharged bar food every once in a while.  You deserve to make something ridiculously easy that earns you props from the prissy crowd who “don’t usually indulge in such low brow foods.”  So long as they put out after they are put in their place I am down to put up with them.  Aren’t the whiners the most satisfying to bang senseless?  It’s like wearing out their motor mouths by stuffing they with the tastiest of treats.  Ain’t no stopping you from getting some peace…of ass. Read the rest of this entry »


LAZADILLA

September 2, 2015
Lazy days, lazy ways, lazy lays

Lazy days, lazy ways, lazy lays

Sometimes you just want to gloss over the cooking and get right to the banging.  Understandably so.  But know this, my impatient pupil.  You could very well jeopardize your whole skeezy agenda by rushing through.  You need to at least appear to make the effort and show something for your trouble.  So it better be damn impressive if you are going to throw something edible together in less than 10 minutes.  Lucky COOK TO BANG has your back with an excessively simplistic finger food that is also reasonably good for you since you are toasting rather than frying in a pan.  Behold the Lazadilla, a quesadilla so tasty, easy, and unmessy, that NASA has hired me to make crate-loads of these for the manned Mission to Mars.  Hopefully these can at least convince your date to fly you to the moon.  Houston, we have no problem! Read the rest of this entry »


BANG YO ROASTED MANGO

July 31, 2015
Groovy booty, fresh and fruity

Groovy booty, fresh and fruity

You’ve done good tonight.  A for effort!  All the effort you put into the meal should have earned you enough street cred by now to make the move.  But should you choose the road of sweet temptation, try this ridiculously easy dessert.  It’s great solo or with ice cream, but also compliments many meals like Orangasmic Catfish.  You will appear to be a kitchen god who cooks like a champ so probably bangs like a champ too.  Be sure to allow time to roast while your date enjoys the magnificent maestro’s meal.

Ingredients:
1. 2 mangoes
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 teaspoon of cinnamon
4. 1 dollup of honey

Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees.  Cut the mango in half, remove the pit, leave the skin and cut bite size piece into the mango meat.

Step 2
Add the brown sugar, cinnamon and honey into the holes where the mango pits were.

Step 3
Cook in the oven for 35-45 minutes until the honey, brown sugar and cinnamon becomes a gooey syrup.

Step 4
By now your kitchen should smell great, which should impress the hell out of your lucky date.  Serve it up with other food or ice cream and before you know it…BANG!

Variations:
•    This recipe can also be made with peaches, nectarines or apples where you hollow out the core so the gooeyness can take it off the chain!


CHARRED OCTOPUSSY SALAD

July 16, 2015
Don't be an octopussy.  Eat the goddamn salad!

Don’t be an octopussy. Eat the goddamn salad!

Don’t mess with Octopussy.  That girl has Bond and every other man wrapped around her fingers, eight to be exact.  But that was before she went through the Bond rotation.  Octopussy never recovered once he cast her aside for the next tramp that could crush his spine with her thighs.  That’s where I came in.  She needed a rebound and I was generous to provide my body for that purpose.  All I had to do was sneak into her floating palace past her army of trained female bodyguards with a bag full of groceries. You may assume that I am trained with the ability to scale walls and hold my breath underwater for over an hour.  But all I have is my charisma and disarming sense of humor.  So I subdued the Octopussy cult army with cooking anecdotes and they took me to their leader.  It was tempting to just engage in a massive orgy with her trained killers, but my mission was to Cook To Bang Octopussy.  Homegirl gave me 10 minutes to impress her or I would be fed to her bloodthirsty manatees.  That was just enough time to fix up this salad and present it to Octopussy.  One bite and she was hooked.  We banged until her ego was restored.  And like a good villainess, she kicked me out of bed right after and went back to work on her world domination plot. Read the rest of this entry »


NEVER FLAKE CRAB CAKES

May 1, 2015

Why spend another Friday night at home pissed off at yet another flake?

My number one frustration in the dating scene is flakes. Nothing pisses me off more than having a date lined up for the night and getting a call, or worse, a text message with some half-baked excuse about a forgotten lobotomy appointment. I erase their phone numbers on the spot and wipe their existence from my memory banks.  This happens to all of us, especially with those you pick up without the benefit of an acquaintance’s introduction. Thems the breaks of being on the prowl.  So what’s a player to do to avoid becoming a victim of the better offer?  Wow the living shit out of them with a memorable meal.  Granted these flaky whores and douches need to sample your cuisine first.  But once they do, flaking will be the last thing on their mind.  Their concern will be staying in your good graces so they never miss one of your epic meals. Crab cakes send a clear message that you are a keeper and deserve the utmost respect and courtesy.  There are millions of sexy singles who would gladly take their place at your dinner table and boudoir. Read the rest of this entry »