That’s right! You know how to do what you do so do it. Ooh ooh, baby, do it one more time. I can’t get enough of your tasty taste. It’s so exotic, so flavorful, so foreign to my white bread existence. Suddenly all the TV Dinner memories are evaporating into adventures in Thailand. I’m on a beach getting my hair braided. I’m in the jungle communing with shaman living in a tree house. I’m in Bangkok breaking all 10 Commandments. It’s all because you spice up my life. Keep it up. Now that I’ve tasted the East, these noodles will keep the memories alive at the very least. Read the rest of this entry »
You should know better than to beg. There is clear a disconnect with your mastery of the CTB philosophy. When you serve that special someone amazing food than you won’t have to beg. It is your date who will beg you for more whether that is a second helping of bagel pizzas or another screaming orgasm. Groveling doesn’t suit you. That’s for the people who can’t close the deal in good faith. Be grateful there are chumps out there on their knees looking pathetic and sexually frustrated. They suffer so you don’t have to. Just do the voodoo that you do in the kitchen and the bedroom. This recipe is so fast and impressive that you can’t help but reap the rewards. Reap away, reaper. Read the rest of this entry »
All that time in the sun will do one of two things: in youth, it makes you look hotter and more desirable; but as the years wear on, all that sunlight can reduce your body to a leather handbag. I have witnessed many sun-worshipping hotties wither away in a matter of years. What a waste of a perfectly hard body. Anyway…this digression was brought to you by Coppertone suntan lotion. The point to all this warbling is that drying yourself out in the sun is not sexy, but doing the same to a tomato makes my engines revs. See I’m totally gay for tomatoes as is. But when you concentrate the lycopene-laced flavor and it becomes like Spanish Fly. Sex appeal oozes at your pores the moment you throw the sun-dried love into the mix. This simple pasta dish went from a subdued “Yay…” to a scream-from-the-highest-rooftop “How you like me now?!” Enjoy this pasta responsibly by wearing at least SPF 15 when you bang outdoors. Read the rest of this entry »
I’m gasping for air as I write this post. Good god is this veggie chili sexy, healthy and satisfying. Trust me when I say this is going to be a challenge to not eat it all before I bring it to the Super Bowl party this weekend. It’s like waiting for marriage to engage in sexual relations. It’s a nice idea in theory. But seriously, why? Sure it might feel great to finally experience pure ecstasy with the person you will spend the rest of your life. But then again it might be a huge let down when you finally claim what’s yours. Luckily you don’t have to worry about that with this chili dish. It actually tastes better the next day once the flavors have wrapped their legs around the veggies and grinded until they make culinary cunnilingus. If you do manage to keep this ridiculously healthy chili around for the Super Bowl or other party, you will certainly be busy taking down phone numbers from eager foodies with an appetite for you. Take a number.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: A beer, margarita or other football-watching beverage
Ingredients (serves a party or 2 hungry people for days):
1. ½ cup of vegetable oil
2. 1 tablespoon of dried oregano
3. 1 8-ounce can of corn
4. Sour cream for garnish
5. 1 teaspoon of salt
6. Shredded cheddar cheese for garnish
7. 2 tablespoons of ground cumin
8. 1 28-ounce can of whole tomatoes
9. 1 can of garbanzo beans
10. 1 can of black beans
11. 2 stalks of celery chopped coarsely
12. 1 green pepper chopped coarsely
13. 1 red pepper chopped coarsely
14. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely
15. 2 dried New Mexico chilies
16. 1 large carrot peeled and chopped coarsely
17. 1 yellow pepper coarsely
18. 1 onion chopped coarsely.
19. 2 handfuls of mushrooms chopped coarsely
Heat up the vegetable oil in a stockpot on medium-high. Sautee the garlic solo until they brown (approx 30 seconds). Cook the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Throw in all the carrots, celery, yellow, red and green peppers and cook until they soften, stirring occasionally. (approx 15 minutes)
It’s time to spice things up. Cup up the New Mexico chilies, then toss them into the pot with the mushrooms let it simmer (approx 2 minutes). Now smack it all up with ground cumin, oregano and salt and cook in the flavor (approx 10 minutes).
Open up the can of tomatoes and drain the juice into a bowl before chopping the tomatoes up coarsely. Add the tomatoes and juice onto the pot and cook until the tomatoes dissolve and become part of the sauce (approx 10 minutes).
Drain the liquid from the cans of corn, garbanzo beans and black beans, then dump them all into the pot and cook them with all the other goodies until they become united in their chili power (approx 10 minutes). Serve up with a sexy selection of toppings like shredded cheddar, sour cream and diced red onions.