CHASING GINGER TAIL

July 15, 2011
Ginger ale never tasted so damn innapproprate!

Ginger ale never tasted so damn innapproprate!

I’m the first to admit that I’ve had relations with a fire crotch.  Actually more than one.  More than…uh, never mind!  I may have a problem. All I see is red.  I probably should see a shrink about this.  The red menace of the Cold War ain’t got nothing on my compulsion for banging red heads.  Maybe it’s something primal like I was a bull killed by a matador in a past life.  Ole my ass!  At least now I get that red instead of being teased and tormented before being slaughtered for the crowd’s delight.  This refreshing and APHRODISIAC bombshell hits the spot and lures those gingers right in.  Be warned that it’s a bitch cleaning up all the red hairs gingers leave behind. Read the rest of this entry »


BLOOD ORANGASMIC MARTINI

January 28, 2011

This is one type of blood you would never fear.

Blood oranges are bulbous citrus-filled orgasms. They bring me more joy than I can possibly articulate with earthly language. Suffice to say that everything they touch gets better and classier. The fact you don’t have any in your kitchen makes me question your commitment to your libido. Now’s your chance to earn my respect back: truck on over to the store to get what’s yours. Got some now? Good. We may proceed with mixing up a sexsational cocktail that will leaving your date begging for more. I fully expect you to take credit for inventing this drink. Your date will be all the more impressed that you are a master mixologist in addition to being a cunning linguist with your cunnilingus. Now make it rainy, you bloody bastard! Read the rest of this entry »


POMMELONTINI BIKINI

November 12, 2010
Sex & The City?  More like Sex In The City!

Sex & The City? More like Sex In The City!

This one goes out to all you ladies having Sex & The City parties or just having sex in the city.  We all know that you sophisticated women of the world like to relax and gab out their lives with a cocktail in hand.  Sure the Cosmo is the uniform drink, but me thinks there’s a room for a new contender.  The Sour Apple Martini is way to tart and a regular James Bond-style martini is way too boozy and requires you to have a watch that shoots lasers.  Surely there’s a happy medium that is classy, refined and the “just right” like the Little Red Riding Hood in Jimmy Choos seeks.  Ladies, I present to you a simple, fast and “just right” cocktail that has made every woman I served it to just a bit classier, not to mention friskier.  So whether it makes you Charlottes into Samanthas or the Mirandas into a Carries (feel free to correct me as I watched the show only once with my mother who insisted that the key to understanding women was watching Sex & The City), COOK TO BANG has you covered. Read the rest of this entry »


KIWI BE JAMMING

November 8, 2010
You jam straight I want to bang some more

You jam straight I want to bang some more

So I admit freely that my knowledge of New Zealand is limited to the Lord of the Rings, Flight of the Conchords, and a family friend who renounced his Kiwi citizenship.  None of this was going to help the fact that I brazenly invited a cute New Zealand girl I met randomly at a bowling alley bar over for dinner.  She believed me when drunkenly I claimed that New Zealand cuisine had inspired my culinary palette.  So the gauntlet was thrown down for me to WOW this hopefully kinky kiwi.  All my research has turned up was in detail reports about the oppression of the Mauri people, which didn’t strike me as light dinner conversation.  So I just bought a bag of kiwi fruit and winged it.  After great debate with myself, and with timing running out before she showed up, I decided to make a jam of sorts.  I served it with bread, Brie cheese and a New Zealand wine.  This winning combination led to a winning combination of positions in the bedroom, invented by the same people that brought us bungee jumping.  After that night I vowed never to never confuse Kiwi and Aussie girls again.  They hate that. Read the rest of this entry »


CSA PDA

November 4, 2009

csa box closed open

Your box of tasty wet dreams awaits!

Community Supported Agriculture boxes make all my cooking and banging possible.  More importantly, it makes it affordable.  This is in no ways sponsored.  Payola is not going on, although to tell you the truth, selling out so I can fill a hot tub full of vodka-infused Jell-O sounds pretty good right about now.  I just want to get the word out to all you food lovers looking to avoid auctioning off your organs to afford shopping at Whole Foods.  That place is a food strip club with a “don’t touch the girls” vibe.  I’ve dropped more ducats in that store than I have on strippers, booze and other illicit contraband combined.  As a food whore, it was totally worth it.  But I’ve found an alternative:

http://www.localharvest.org/csa/

I pay online ahead of time for a magical box that gets delivered to my local market.  When I pick it up and take it home, I act like a giddy 80’s schoolgirl who finally got her autographed New Kids on the Block poster.  What’s in the box varies week to week and never disappoints.  It’s all local organic, seasonal, top-shelf produce that challenges me to create new recipes I throw on the site.  Creating up with 5 new recipes every week can be= challenging.  Luckily the CSA box makes decisions for me.  I dropped $15 on this box and here’s what I found in it:

csa box contents1. 1 pumpkin
2. 1 spaghetti squash
3. 2 eggplants
4. 1 cilantro bunch
5. 1 BASIL bunch
6. 1 kale bunch
7. 1 chard bunch
8. 3 petit pan squash
9. 2 summer squash
10. 2 yellow squash
11. 4 globe squash
12. 2 zucchini
13. 1 BEET bunch
14. 1 sugar snap pea pile

Your kidney and half your liver would be allocated to a wealthy Swiss industrialist if you bought the same goods at Whole Foods.  But now you have a heap of amazing produce to turn into magnificent meals to seduce any number of sexy prospects.  You’re already saving cash not taking your dates to restaurants. Imagine how much more you could save and then spend on booze and lube!

Below are some COOK TO BANG recipes directly inspired by what I found in this Foodie’s Pandora Box:

BEET YOUR MEAT SALAD

INHALE MY KALE

NEVER A BORSCHT IN THE SACK

NEVER FAIL KALE BREAKFAST

MO-ROCKIN’ MOROCCAN POTATO SALAD

PIMPIN’ PUMPKIN SOUP

SPAGHETTI SQUASH NUDEY NOODLES

SQUASH KE-BANGS

SQUISHY SQUASHY CASSEROLE

THEIR LOSS GRILLED SQUASH

TWICE BANGED POTATOES

UNDRESS YO PESTO

VIAGRA-MELON PORNSICLES

VIAGRA-MELON SOUP

WILD & WETTY SQUASH SPAGHETTI

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


OH BOY!-STER SHOOT-HERS

September 18, 2009
Shoot em up with aphrodisiac charged slurps!

Shoot em up with aphrodisiac charged slurps!

Ready, aim, fire! KERPLOW! That’s the sound of resistance to your sexy ass being obliterated. Oysters as you well know rev up the engine in your pantalones like filling up a Prius with rocket fuel or feeding a gerbil meth. And combine it with the sweet warm embrace of vodka and you are ready to fucking rumble, I first fell in love with oyster shooters in the Big Easy, New Orleans for you uninitiated. I downed three of them before charging out onto Bourbon Street where Mardi gras madness was on like a very horny Donkey Kong. The seething mass of frat boys and sorostitutes were no match for me. I was suited and booted with oyster power that made me stand out from the crowd of fools. I led one such sorority tramp away from the rest of the Greeks, pounded oyster shots with her and then vanished to my nearby hotel room where we banged each other’s brains out. Things got a little weird after when I forgot her name (Courtney perhaps?), but my libido made up for my apparent disrespect of this Southern Belle, I do declare!

oyster shooters prepTotal time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Eating Buddy: This is best of both worlds: food & booze!

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1½ shots ice-cold vodka
2. 4 dashes TABASCO sauce
3. 2 slices lemon
4. 2 raw OYSTERS
5. 2 pinches cilantro chopped finely

Step 1
Remove the raw oysters from the shells and scoop them into the shot glasses. Add the cilantro and lemon, fill up the glasses with vodka, and add a few dashes of Tabasco sauce. Bottoms up…literally!
oyster shooters assemble

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


HOW YOU LIKE THEM PINEAPPLES? RICE

April 9, 2009
Who lived in a pineapple inside my gut?

Who lived in a pineapple inside my gut?

This pineapple before you was the last know residence of one Spongebob Squarepants. The market ran out of pineapple I needed for this ridiculous rice dish and impressing my hot date called for desperate measures.  So I improvised.  You know Spongebob wouldn’t mind helping Patrick Star get laid if he wanted to bang a whorish whale or hammerhead hottie.  So I figured that the courtesy would be extended to me since I’ve watched enough episodes to render me with the maturity of a 12-year-old.  The only problem is I then used the spongy little bastard to scrub the wok. Spongebob’s usual giggle was replaced by a gurgle.  But I know in his heart he was happy to aid my Cook to Bang quest.  But don’t worry.  I replaced his pineapple house with an empty vodka bottle.  The sponge is soaking up liquor fumes as we speak.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: A beer or a SLUTTY TEMPLE

pineapple-rice-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of basmati rice
2. 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil
3. 1 tablespoon of curry paste
4. 1 pineapple
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. 1 LEEK chopped
7. ½ pound of chicken cut into bite-sized pieces
8. 1 egg
9. 2 tablespoons of freshly chopped GINGER
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Wash the rice in the sink.  Fill up a pot with the 1 cup of rice and 2 cups of water.  Bring water to a boil on high heat, and then turn the heat down and simmer covered until the rice absorbs the water (approx 15 minutes).
pineapple-rice-wash-boil
Step 2
Split the pineapple length-wise.  Use a pairing knife to cut out the meat from the middle, but leave enough around the edges so it holds it’s form.  Chop the meat up into bite-sized pieces.  Set aside.
pineapple-rice-pineapple
Step 3
Heat the oil in a large deep pan or wok on high heat.  Toss the garlic, ginger and leeks and cook down (approx 2 minutes).  Add the curry paste and pineapple and stir in the flavor (approx 1 minute).  Mix in the rice thoroughly, stir in the coconut milk and finally crack the egg over and mix it in.
pineapple-rice-stirfy
Step 4
Scoop the rice into the hollow pineapple halves until the overflow like a mound above the fruit’s lip.  Cover the stuffed pineapples with tinfoil and bake through in the oven (approx 20 minutes).  Serve up on a plate with your favorite ENTRÉE.
pineapple-rice-stuff-bakepineapple-rice-served

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


MELLOW JELL-O MAKES’EM BELLOW

February 6, 2009
Class up the Jell-O by setting them in citrus rinds

Class up the Jell-O by setting them in citrus rinds

Jell-O shots are a symbol of youthful indiscretion.  The very use of them conjures up memories of high school or college parties.  Turning alcohol into a solid, easily tossable form indicates a clear problem with authority.  Anyone making, serving or slurping these lacks maturity and predictability.  Shame shame, they know your name!  If the kid in you still wants to play hard, read on.  If you are shaking your head with disappointment, might I recommend the AARP website where they offer great tips for keeping your shuffleboard skills tip top during winter.  Fact: Jell-O shots are silly. Fact: Jell-O shots are a crapshoot of adventure.  Part of the fun is seeing how hard they’ll hit you (CTB recommends caution, of course).  Chances are good that you’ll end up drunkenly manhandling someone who will hopefully molest you right back. Both your chins will be stained from gelatin and your brains tainted with booze.  Do Bill Cosby proud and say it loud, “There’s always room for Jell-O!”

jello-shots-prepTotal time: approximately 4 hours
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Drinking Buddy: You’re eating your drink, Mm mm!

Ingredients:
1. 1 package of Jell-O, chef’s choice on flavor
2. 2 cups of vodka
3. 2 cups of water
4. Handful of separated mint leaves
5. 6 lemons or oranges to half & hollow out

Step 1
Bring the water to a roaring boil.  Dump in the Jell-O mix and stir until the powder dissolves completely (approx 2 minutes).  Turn off the heat and pour the cold or room temperature vodka into the mix.
jello-shots-heat-and-mix
Step 2
Cut the lemon or oranges in half and hollow them out.  Use a ladle to pour the unformed Jell-O liquid to the brim of each hollow rind.  Place in the fridge and allow them to cool and harden (approx 4 hours).  Halfway through the process, place a mint sprig in each half and allow them to set.  Serve the Jell-O shots up
jello-shots-lemon

There's always room for Jell-O!

There's always room for Jell-O!

AddThis Social Bookmark Button