August 28, 2009
The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!
“You want boom boom?” asked two Vietnamese hookers on a moped. I was in Hanoi, trekking around in search of mayhem and kick ass pho (Vietnamese noodle soup). I don’t pay for sex. No offense to those who hire whore now and again. My charm and cooking skills are enough to get girls naked. But these two young trollops were hot and the mathematical possibilities enticing it. So I asked them, “Will you love me long time?” They nodded and beckoned me to get on the back of their motorbike. So I countered, “Are you so horny?” Damn straight they were. The cherry on top was when I asked them to call me “Soldier boy.” One said, “We give you boom boom, soldier boy.” The other added, “Me so horny. We love you long time.” I had a Full Metal Jacket growth in my pants, but contracting GI Joe Kung Fu grip wasn’t recommended in my Lonely Planet guide. So I declined their offer for boom boom. Instead I got this chicken sandwich from a street vendor that was amazing, although not quite as interesting as the international incident I passed up. To all the girls I have banged since…You’re Welcome!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 sandwich rolls
2. 1 tsp lemon juice
3. 1 tsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 tsp fish sauce
6. ½ onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 carrot sliced thinly
8. 1 tomato sliced thinly
9. 2 chicken breasts
10. 1 handful shredded coconut
11. 1 handful cilantro chopped finely
12. 1 CHILI diced finely
13. 1 tbsp vegetable oil (not pictured, St. Peter has already taken note)
Step 1
Mince the chicken and then marinate with cilantro, chili, onion, coconut, soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce and lemon juice (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Cook the chicken thoroughly with vegetable oil (approx 5 min). Slice open the bread rolls and stuff the chicken into them. Add the tomato and carrot slices and shut the sandwich, soldier boy.
1 Comment | 
aphrodisiac, asian, french, fusion, poultry, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vietnamese | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asia, bang, banging, carrot, chicken, chili, cilantro, coconut, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, gi joe, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hooker, intercourse, kitchen, kung fu grip, lemon juice, libido, lonely planet, love you long time, me so horny, moped, motorbike, naked, nam, onion, oyster sauce, prostitute, recipe, sandwich roll, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Soldier boy sinwich, southeast asia, soy sauce, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, viet cong, Vietnam, Vietnamese chicken sandwich recipe, whore, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
August 27, 2009
Cook To Bang is coming at you with the breakfast re-re-re-re-re-remix!
A good COOK TO BANG groove deserves to be remixed. In the age of recycling chic, why wouldn’t you turn one outstanding meal into another equally memorable meal? Think of this thriftiness the way you would an old lover who used to be an overweight hippie harlot and now is a svelte yummy yuppie. Sure there is some familiarity when you bang them again, but for the most part it’s like banging someone completely fresh and new. Salad is like a condom; it doesn’t keep long after it’s been opened. So you need to be fast with reconfiguring the leftovers before they become a pathetic pile of wilted goop. Breakfast seems the most appropriate and expedited opportunity for you to bring leftover salad back to life like Frankenstein’s monster. Mix it up with bagel, eggs and sauce and IT’S ALIVE!!!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tbsp of Pindjur (Turkish roasted red pepper spread)
2. 1 tbsp olive oil
3. Leftover salad
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 dash pepper
6. 2 eggs
7. 1 bagel
8. ½ onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Beat the eggs with salt and pepper.
Step 2
Sauté the onion with olive oil. Pick all the goodies from your salad (e.g. tomatoes, olives, radish, etc.) and sauté them as well. Pour in the egg mixture and scramble your little heart out.
Step 3
Cut the bagel in ½ and toast. Scoop the Pindjur on the bagel, scoop on some scrambled eggs and throw the lettuce from the salad on top.
Serve up this breakfast salad sandwich in bed to your good morning companion.
1 Comment | fusion, healthy, Middle Eastern, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bagel, bang, banging, breakfast, Breakfast salad sinwich remix, condom, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, Frankenstein, game changer, get laid, gourmet, groove, guarantee, hippie harlot, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leftovers, libido, MORNING WOOD, naked, olive oil, onion, pepper, pindjur, recipe, remix, salad, salt, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, svelte, tasty, thriftiness, toast, yummy, yummy yuppie | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 24, 2009
Blonde jokes just aren't appropriate. S&M is no laughing matter. Right, mistress?
My relationship with desserts is very S&M. To be more accurate, sweets are my dominatrix. I abstain from crack, but have come pretty close to rock bottom. Picture me curled up in a ball on my kitchen floor at 10am on a Tuesday eating cake frosting with a butter knife. It wasn’t pretty. But you should have seen the intervention. We’re talking powder sugar flying by the kilo. And yet my sweet tooth remains a glutton for punishment. Pleasure delaying is part of the torture. I try to be good and eat healthy enough to see next year. But then I allow myself to partake and it’s an embarrassing sight. The mistress of munchies takes over and my humiliation takes center stage. Ladies and gentlemen, behold the sugar-addicted freak that dances for blondies. That blondie demon whore hurts so good.
Total time: approximately 4 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Champagne and strawberries
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp butterscotch sauce
2. 1 maraschino cherry
3. Whipped cream at your discretion
4. 1-2 scoops vanilla ice cream
5. 1 small handful crushed pecans
6. 1 large HOT DUMB BLONDIE (or equivalent crumbs)
Step 1
Heat up the butterscotch on ultra-low heat in a saucepan. Lay out the blondie like a bed you will soon sin upon. Build an ice cream mountain and pour butterscotch lava down in. Top it off with some whipped cream, deez nutz (pecans) and a popped cherry on top. Hot and cold sex on a platter for two.
1 Comment | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: bang, banging, blondie, Blondie bondage sundae, blondie sundae recipe, butterscotch, cake frosting, dairy, delicious, demon, dessert, DIY, dominatrix, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, humiliation, ice cream, intercourse, intervention, kilo, kitchen, libido, maraschino cherry, naked, pecans, pleasure delay, powder sugar, recipe, rock bottom, s&m, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, sweets, tasty, vanilla ice cream, Whipped cream, whore, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 13, 2009
The big fig gets the smokiest meat
For the record, I am totally gay for figs. They are one of history’s oldest fruits. Ever hear of the hanging gardens of Babylon? Figs hung proudly there and flavored many ancient meals. No doubt these edible APHRODISIACS were all over the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve just had to sample the far blander apple and ruin everything. Not that there’s anything wrong with apples, knowledge or original sin. Figs are just tastier, sexier and more likely to get you laid. Sexy time is nearly certain once you wrap the figs up with Italian prosciutto and throw in some creamy Brie cheese. Run, don’t walk to your nearest quality grocer and slice off a piece of the Garden of Eden.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red Wine or a SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Brie cheese
2. 4 fresh FIGS
3. 4 prosciutto slices
Step 1
Quarter the figs and add small slices of Brie to each section. Pull off long strips of proscuitto and wrap each fig/brie unit. Serve up on a plate or laid across your naked body.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: adam & eve, aphrodisiac, Babylon, bang, banging, brie cheese, cocktail food, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, fig, finger food, food, foreplay, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hanging gardens, homemade, intercourse, italian, Italy, kitchen, knowledge, libido, meat, Mediterranean, naked, original sin, prosciutto fig brie appetizers, prosciutto wrapped figs recipe, proscuitto, protein, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, starters, tapas, tasty, wrap, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 9, 2009
In the spirit of camaraderie and supporting culinary institutions that inspire, I wanted to give a shout out to Evan Kleiman and my friends at KCRW producing the radio show GOOD FOOD for NPR. This show is like foreplay for my ears, sending me into the kitchen to whip up one of my decadent dishes. If this show gets your rocks off like mine, throw some support their way. If you don’t know about it, you should. Thanks to that “series of tubes” (Senator Ted Stevens R-AK) you can listen online, download the podcasts or stick you fork directly into the computer monitor.
http://www.kcrw.org/join
Now back to our regularly scheduled tomfoolery.
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: alaska, broadcast, culinary, decadent, donate, evan kleiman, good food, kcrw, national publi radio, npr, radio, republican, senator, support, ted stevens, tomfoolery | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 4, 2009
Squish squash, let's get sauced!
This side dish is soft to the touch, yet crunchy in all the right places. As described, this does not sound like the hard-body of summer vegetable concoctions. But this dish could help you get that hard beach body all the cool kids seem to be having these days. This casserole is light, full of flavor and pack a wallop of flavor-filled fungasms. This particular dish was an experiment in how to cook summer squash besides on the grill. A tough act to follow. It provided great company for the grilled chicken I served to this annoying date. The date was a bust, but luckily I got my jollies from this casserole. The silver lining never tasted so good.
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Nice cold beer or white wine
Ingredients:
1. 1 tbsp breadcrumbs
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash paprika
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 onion chopped coarsely
6. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2-ounces goat cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Grease a baking pan or deep wide pie-pan with olive oil. Chop the squash into ½ inch rounds. Line the pan with a layer of squash rounds, throw the onions over and crown with half of the goat cheese. Set down another layer, use the rest of the goat cheese and crown with green onions. Pour the remaining olive oil, season with paprika and salt, and evenly distribute the breadcrumbs over the top.
Step 2
Throw the squash in the oven and bake until the veggies soften and the top browns (approx 45 min). Serve up on plates as a lunch or to compliment an ENTRÉE.
2 Comments | healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, summer, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baked squash, bang, banging, breadcrumbs, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fungasm, game changer, get laid, globe squash, globe squash casserole recipe, goat cheese, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, squishy squashy casserole recipe, summer, tasty, vegetables, vegetarian, veggies, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 