June 4, 2009
Whatever, however, whoever. Just Cook To Bang.
Admittedly, this salad’s title kind of blows. Not even with the steroids I scored from Manny Ramirez can I always bat 1000. But this salad neither blew nor sucked. It was totally off the hook yet totally unplanned. I found out way too late that the young lady who came over for dinner was a militant vegetarian. Something about a misdemeanor for chaining herself to a fur coat store in college. Note to self: stop picking up girls at yoga class. The killer SALMON DISH that is a shoe-in CTB was well out. But the consolation prize was she loved feta cheese. So into the fridge I went and in a moment of panic grabbed everything that looked like feta-friendly. The salad before you is whatever was in the fridge and it was awesome. My hippie crusader chained herself to my bed to protest us running out.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients:
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 pinch of herbs de Provence
4. 1 handful of kalamata olives
5. ½ lemon
6. 2 endives
7. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
9. 1 steamed red BEET sliced thinly
10. Steamed ASPARAGUS
11. 1 small handful of feta cheese (leave out to make vegan)
Step 1
First you must prep the vegetables. Break the romaine lettuce apart every two inches and wash it all. Slice up the endives every inch or so. Also cut the asparagus every inch or so.
Step 2
Combine the sliced endives, romaine lettuce, tomatoes, beets, olives, crumbled feta cheese, Herbs de Provence, olive oil, and lemon juice in a large bowl. Toss that salad like a pro.
Serve it up to even the crunchiest of guests.
Leave a Comment » | 
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Posted by cooktobang
March 3, 2009
Angel, devil, these are just words. We're all sinners. Embrace it!
I may seem like an angel by providing the world with my culinary creations. Despite my commitment to helping my fellow my man and loving my neighbor(‘s wife), I am not a holy roller with a halo floating above my head. Shocking, I know. But take heart. In spite of my lack of high morals and self-righteousness, I do have good intentions. Sure I am perverse and refuse to wait until marriage to indulge in carnal delight. Yet my reader’s happiness and health is of the utmost importance to me. In fact, the United States Surgeon General has appointed me to a task force to get people to eat better and exercise more. Hence, I encourage that all of you of appropriate age (children and elderly need not apply) to COOK TO BANG regularly. Sure some televangelist might condemn me to burn in eternal damnation, but ask yourself this: How cool will the eternal afterlife be with guys with glued on hairweaves telling you what a miserable sinner you are? I’ll take the hot tub in hell packed full of nymphomaniacs.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $6 (excluding wine)
Drinking Buddy: Red or white wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of white wine
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. 1 tablespoon of salt
4. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes
5. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. ½ lemon worth of juice
8. Parmesan to your liking
9. 8 ounces of dried angel hair pasta
Step 1
Warm up the olive oil in a decent sized pan on medium-high heat. Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds), sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes), and then flavor it all with salt. Next cook the cherry tomatoes until they soften (approx 3 minutes), before adding the lemon juice and white wine and allow it to simmer while you move on to Step 2.
Step 2
Bring a large pot of water to a boil and break in the angel hair pasta. Follow the instructions and cook until the pasta becomes al dente. Drain, wash out the excess starch and pour the pasta into the sauce and cook together until heated through. Serve onto alone of with some kickass ENTRÉE. Grate as much Parmesan as you feel worthy.
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: angel hair, Angel hair pasta recipe, bang, carbohydrate, carboluscious, cherry tomatoes, delicious, devil, DIY, easy, fast, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, I ain’t no angel, intercourse, italian, kitchen, lemon, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, parmesan, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, side dish, simple, simple pasta, starch, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 6, 2009
Class up the Jell-O by setting them in citrus rinds
Jell-O shots are a symbol of youthful indiscretion. The very use of them conjures up memories of high school or college parties. Turning alcohol into a solid, easily tossable form indicates a clear problem with authority. Anyone making, serving or slurping these lacks maturity and predictability. Shame shame, they know your name! If the kid in you still wants to play hard, read on. If you are shaking your head with disappointment, might I recommend the AARP website where they offer great tips for keeping your shuffleboard skills tip top during winter. Fact: Jell-O shots are silly. Fact: Jell-O shots are a crapshoot of adventure. Part of the fun is seeing how hard they’ll hit you (CTB recommends caution, of course). Chances are good that you’ll end up drunkenly manhandling someone who will hopefully molest you right back. Both your chins will be stained from gelatin and your brains tainted with booze. Do Bill Cosby proud and say it loud, “There’s always room for Jell-O!”
Total time: approximately 4 hours
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Drinking Buddy: You’re eating your drink, Mm mm!
Ingredients:
1. 1 package of Jell-O, chef’s choice on flavor
2. 2 cups of vodka
3. 2 cups of water
4. Handful of separated mint leaves
5. 6 lemons or oranges to half & hollow out
Step 1
Bring the water to a roaring boil. Dump in the Jell-O mix and stir until the powder dissolves completely (approx 2 minutes). Turn off the heat and pour the cold or room temperature vodka into the mix.
Step 2
Cut the lemon or oranges in half and hollow them out. Use a ladle to pour the unformed Jell-O liquid to the brim of each hollow rind. Place in the fridge and allow them to cool and harden (approx 4 hours). Halfway through the process, place a mint sprig in each half and allow them to set. Serve the Jell-O shots up
There's always room for Jell-O!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, fusion, libation lubrication, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, bang, booze, creeper, delicious, dessert, disguise, drink, drunk, easy, game changer, gathering, gelatin, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, halves, hidden, immature, intercourse, Jell-O, Jell-O shots recipe, Jello shots recipe, jelly, kitchen, lemon, mint, naked, orange, party, party time, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, solid alcohol, sweet, tasty, vegetarian, vodka, water, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 27, 2009
One good choke deserves another
Hey, you there! Halt! Step away from the chicken. It didn’t do you no wrong. I can speak as a character witness for the fowl. He ain’t a bad bird. The guy is just a feathered freak doing his thing. There is nothing shameful in doing your thing. Besides, why settle for a night in pummeling that innocent mound when you can be out there getting someone else to choke that bad boy? Trust me when I say both you and your chicken will both be better off for it. Which brings me to this pure unadulterated APHRODISIAC bomb. You are eating a 98.5% payload of vitamins, minerals and phytochemicals to fuel the evening’s cardiovascular requirements. And if that wasn’t enough for you, at no additionally cost, we’ll also throw in an extra kick of sexy time explosion with the spicy aioli to give you a head start in the hot and sweaty department. We here at COOK TO BANG standby our warranty. If you don’t like it, you can return it. We’re THAT confident in our product. Happy munching.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: White wine is a classy touch, especially something dry like Chardonnay
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
2. 1/2 teaspoon of salt
3. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
4. 1 large artichoke
5. 1 lemon cut in half
6. ½ a dried chipotle pepper
7. 1 clove of garlic chopped finely
Step 1
Steam the artichokes on high heat until the artichoke opens up and you can pull out the leaves with ease (approx 35-45 minutes). While they steam, make the sauce in Step 2. When the artichokes are steaming with APHRODISIAC loaded goodness, cut them down the middle slowly. Use a spoon to scoop out the very center where the wispy flowery pieces nest, leaving the artichoke heart intact (the dish’s G spot). Set them on a plate and squeeze one of the lemon halves into open artichoke.
Step 2
Cut up the dried chipotle chili finely. Mix it together with garlic, ½ a lemon, mayonnaise, salt, and cayenne pepper. Refrigerate until the artichoke and your date are ready to rumble.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, cayenne pepper, chipotle, choke your chicken, delicious, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, lemon artichoke, mayonnaise, naked, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy aioli recipe, Steamed artichoke recipe, steamed artichokes, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 25, 2009
Sweet simple satisfaction
COOK TO BANG generally advocates you kinky cooks out there to impress the hell out of your chosen conquest. And with good reason. The CTB method of seduction came out of much research I bravely endured for you, my dear reader. But sometimes, depending on your target, simplicity in seduction can be the key. Don’t overdo a first date with a five-course meal complete with champagne and a four-string quartet. You’ll look like a jackass, a jackass who ain’t getting laid. You can play it off casually like you’re throwing together a meal last minute. Invite your date over for a drink before going out to some fancy restaurant written up in your local paper. Then have a friend call your phone and pretend it’s the restaurant informing you they cannot seat you. Feign annoyance, apologize, pour them another drink and offer to cook instead. Your date can find out by “accident” that you happen to be a kickass cook who made something sensational with next to nothing. This spaghetti dish screams nonchalance. Plus it’s vegetarian and vegan friendly, and healthy as hell. It’s win win. READY FOR BEDDY SPAGHETTI makes a great starter, light entrée or can compliment a nice piece of meat. Heh heh… 
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or prosecco
Ingredients:
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
5. ½ a lemon worth of juice
6. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
7. 3 garlic cloves diced finely
8. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes cut in half
9. ½ a red onion chopped coarsely
Step 1 Boil the spaghetti al dente. Rinse out the excess starch. While the pasta boils, move onto Step 2. 
Step 2 Heat up the olive oil in a deep pan or wok on medium-low heat. Sauté the garlic until the begin to brown (approx 30 seconds). Throw in the red onions and sauté until they soften and become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Squeeze in the lemon juice and allow the citrus to be absorbed (approx 2 minutes). Next sauté the cherry tomatoes with the salt until they soften (approx 3 minutes). Finally add the white wine and simmer covered on super low heat (approx 15 minutes). 
Step 3 Dump the cooked spaghetti into the sauce and mix it all together thoroughly allowing the pasta to heat up. Serve up the spaghetti on a plate with Parmesan if you like. Bravo! 
2 Comments | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: al dente, bang, cherry tomatoes, crushed red pepper, delicious, easy, fast, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, italian, kitchen, lemon, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, quick, recipe, red onion, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, Simple spaghetti recipe, spaghetti, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, white wine, white wine pasta sauce recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 6, 2009
Rub-a-dub-dub all over my grub.
The time has come to essentially grill one aphrodisiac in the essence of another. No, I’m not talking about boiling vodka and Viagra together, although I hear they serve that ice cold in Tijuana. In a matter of 10 minutes you can have two salmon steaks grilled to perfectly in avocado butter. The creamy nutrients and silky texture of the avocado absorbs naturally into the tender, protein-packed salmon, essentially becoming one perfect package. It’s as if these two supernaturally sexy ingredients were destined to be together like Romeo and Juliet or Thelma and Louise. Let fate take over your date and you’ll be naked and out of breath on your bed before you can say, “Another glass of wine?”
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: White wine or beer
Ingredients (for two):
1. 2 salmon steaks
2. ½ teaspoon of garlic powder
3. ½ teaspoon of onion powder
4. A dash of salt
5. ½ a lemon of juice
6. 2 green onions diced
7. 1 avocado
Step 1
Mix up the green onions, avocado (scooped out of skin), lemon juice, onion powder and garlic powder in a bowl, smashing it all up with a fork, whisk or hand blender. The avocado butter will look much like guacamole.
Step 2
Spread the avocado butter evenly over each side of the salmon steaks, beginning with the topside. On medium heat, heat up a portable grill or frying pan and put the avocado butter side of the salmon down. Cover the other side of the salmon steaks with avocado butter and squeeze lemon juice over them. Once the outside of the salmon turns pinkish-white (approx 3 minutes), flip the steaks making sure not to lose the grilled avocado butter. Grill the other side so the salmon is cooked thoroughly (approx 2 minutes) and serve up with some righteous veggies like asparagus.
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, avocado butter, bang, delicious, dinner, easy, entree, fancy, fish, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green onion, Grilled salmon in avocado butter, grilled salmon recipe, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, naked, onion, recipe, romance, salmon steaks, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 10, 2008
Curry some favor with these spicy flavors
This Thai curry dish is like a hot night of indiscretion in the steamy city of Bangkok. That’s where I first had a dish at a small restaurant right off of PatPong 2 before witnessing the seedier side of Southeast Asia. So delicious and decadent. Curry can be a little dangerous and on the edge, like watching a tiger cage fight while telling the lady boys that you are not interested in boom boom tonight. Welcome to the spicy side of COOK TO BANG. You will instantly become the bad boy or girl that your date’s parents warned them about. They will sweat before you even touch them. If you have that kind of effect with your food, your date can only assume that the night will only get steamier. Yes, indeedy. So relax and enjoy the happy ending.
Total time: approximately 35-45 minutes
Projected cost for ingredients: $10
Drinking buddy: Beer, Thai or Indian
Ingredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of flour
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. 1 cup of coconut milk
4. 2 teaspoons of curry paste (1 teaspoon of curry powder)
5. 1 teaspoon of oyster sauce
6. 1 tablespoon of rice vinegar
7. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
8. 1 large eggplant cut into bite-sized pieces
9. 1 handful of mushrooms cut
10. 1 pound of chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
11. ½ a lemon
12. Meat of 1 mango sliced and diced
13. 1 yellow bell pepper cut into bite-sized pieces
14. 1 handful of cilantro
15. 4 green onion chopped coarsely
16. 3 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
Mix the cilantro, oyster sauce, curry paste, coconut milk and flour in a bowl. Stir vigorously like you’re still in Jr. High until the curry sauce becomes a pinkish-orange. Set aside.
Step 2 (Skip this step if you want to make it vegetarian)
Marinate the chicken in the rice vinegar, soy sauce and lemon. After 15 minutes, use 1 tablespoon of olive oil and cook the chicken until the meat turns white. Set aside.
Step 3
On high heat, use the remaining and sauté the garlic and green onions. After a minute add the mango and cook it down. Throw in all the remaining vegetables except the eggplant and cook for another two minutes until the veggies soften. Now add the eggplant and cook until they soften and absorb the mango/garlic.
Step 4
Pour the curry sauce over the veggies and stir thoroughly, making sure the eggplant has softened considerably. Toss in the chicken and mix it all together with the veggies and curry sauce. Cook another minute to ensure the flavors all absorb before serving over rice with some beer.
Leave a Comment » | asian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, thai | Tagged: asian food, bang, chicken, cilantro, cilantro thai food, classy, Coconut curry, coconut milk, curry paste, delicious, dinner, easy, eggplant, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, lemon, mango, mushrooms, naked, rice, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, soy sauce, spicy, thai curry, Thailand | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients:
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 