BLOODY ORANGTASTIC SALAD

December 9, 2013

We're talking bloody in a good way.

“This salad is bloody fantastic!” These are the words of my limey friend who sampled this salad I threw together. And no, I did not cook to bang my mate. He’s been striking out with the birds as of late so I gave him a quick cooking tutorial. I believe the geezer has his sea legs now since he’s used my recipes to bed a few strumpets already. The problem is he keeps making the same few recipes I’ve taught him. Sounds like we’re just about ready for another lesson. Perhaps he can repay me by teaching me the finer points of football (as in soccer for the uninitiated). With World Cup coming up, I need good talking points to pick up Brazilians. In the mean time, enjoy this uber-healthy salad with me new favorite fruit, the blood orange, which is bloody orangtastic. Read the rest of this entry »


RAINBOW CHARD ON LINGUINE

January 27, 2012

Somewhere over the rainbow, something's turning me on. Must be my Wizard of Oz fantasy.

Nothing gives me a chubby like an aesthetically pleasing plate of food. Not only does it satisfy the hunger pangs, but the emotionally pangs as well. Mark my words, nothing inspires sexy time dessert quite like a beautifully presented meal. How it tastes is almost secondary to how it looks on the plate. Shallow? Perhaps. But don’t question the rules of culinary seduction unless you want that chard on to go to waste. Read the rest of this entry »


BLOOD ORANGASMIC MARTINI

January 28, 2011

This is one type of blood you would never fear.

Blood oranges are bulbous citrus-filled orgasms. They bring me more joy than I can possibly articulate with earthly language. Suffice to say that everything they touch gets better and classier. The fact you don’t have any in your kitchen makes me question your commitment to your libido. Now’s your chance to earn my respect back: truck on over to the store to get what’s yours. Got some now? Good. We may proceed with mixing up a sexsational cocktail that will leaving your date begging for more. I fully expect you to take credit for inventing this drink. Your date will be all the more impressed that you are a master mixologist in addition to being a cunning linguist with your cunnilingus. Now make it rainy, you bloody bastard! Read the rest of this entry »


TOTALLY NUDE-LES FOR PAPAYA!

June 15, 2009
Noodles = Nudity

Noodles = Nudity

That’s it. Take it all off.  Every last article must be removed.  You know the deal.  No naked, no nosh!  There you go.  Don’t you feel so much better without all those pesky clothes?  I know I feel liberated.  See?  I’m nude too.  Watch me do this cartwheel.  Whee!  Now it’s your turn.  I want to see your naughty bits fly in all directions.  Again!  Again!  All this exercise made me hungry.  Let’s break.  The only proper way to dine on noodles is in the nude. Sure they are spicy, but I know how randy you get when your mouth is on fire.  Let the papaya cool you down before things heat back up after the meal.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (serves 2):papaya nude-les prep
1. 8-ounces of dried rice noodle flakes
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of soy sauce
4. ½ tbsp of vegetable oil
5. 1 onion cut in strips
6. 1 handful of crushed pecans
7. ½ a lime
8. ½ of a papaya
9. 2 handfuls of cilantro
10. 1 egg
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely

Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a boil.  Scoop the seeds out of the papaya, and then cut the fruit meat out.  Discard the shell and chop up the papaya coarsely.
papaya nude-les scoop chop
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, onion and ½ the cilantro with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 3 min).  Throw in the papaya and cook it with the soy sauce and Sriracha sauce (approx 2 min).
papaya nude-les saute
Step 3
Boil the rice noodle flakes (approx 4 min), drain, toss them into the magic pot of flavor, and then mix it all together.
papaya nude-les boil
Step 4
Crack an egg into the pan, and then mix the contents together.  Crown the noodles with the crushed pecans and cilantro, and finally squeeze the limejuice over your creation.
papaya nude-les stir-fry
Serve up the nude-les solo or with some BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
papaya nude-les served 2

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NO BLUE-BALL-BERRY KRISPIE SWEETS

February 11, 2009
Krispy on the outside, soft and juicy on the inside.

Krispy on the outside, soft and juicy on the inside.

Your favorite childhood treat is back with a black and blueberry attitude. This ain’t your momma’s Rice Krispie Treat.  The team of molecular physicists on staff at COOK TO BANG developed a groundbreaking improvement to this noble confectionery.  The naysayers who said our research grant money was worse spent than Sarah Palin’s Bridge To Nowhere can suck it.  Now that haters are off to ruin someone else’s day, behold: I reveal to you the revolutionary Krispie Treat supercharged with blueberry bomb blasts.  The consumer will be too busy rolling their eyes into the back of their heads to notice the antioxidants going to work.  Serve these treats to someone you’re sweet on  in full confidence that you’re holding your conquest’s health in the utmost regard.  It’s low in fat, rich in fiber, and overflowing with awesomeness. Keep in mind you’ll have plenty of leftovers that are great for post-coital snacks or to lure future dates to your place. No blue balls for you, my friend!

krispy-prep-copyTotal time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA

Ingredients:
1. 6 cups of Rice Krispies (or generic brand)
2. 10 ounces of marshmallows
3. 1 small container of fresh blueberries
4. ¼ stick of butter

Step 1
Melt the butter completely in a deep pan or pot on low heat.  Toss in the marshmallows, and then cook and stir them until they become one big tasty goop (approx 5 minutes).
krispy-melt
Step 2
Turn the heat off and dump in the Krispies and blueberries. Mix them all together thoroughly. Dump them all into a greased baking pan, and pat them down with a spatula (ideally sprayed with cooking spray).  Allow them time to cool (approx 30 minutes).  Cut up your preferred sized squares and distribute to the beautiful people.

krispy-mix-press

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