September 30, 2009
Banging for your sins.
Cook to Bang gets its share of criticism (and praise) in the form of e-mails, comments and flaming bags of dog feces left on my porch. Some people think my food photographs are sub-par (I’m not a pro photographer, guys!), others say I use too many avocados (If loving avocados is wrong, I don’t want to be right!), and a few find my silly little blog “morally bankrupt.” But on the rare occasion, I receive critiques that inspire me to respond…via open letter. I received this gem last week for you to peruse, plus, with full disclosure, I’ve been on road for a month doing the CTB HOME INVASIONS tour and have run out of photographed recipes:
I appreciated the cooking suggestion for petit pan squash, but was saddened to hear your cavalier attitude toward sex. I realize it was probably partially “tongue in cheek”, but at the same time reveals that like many people, you have no concept of God’s intention for sex. He designed it as the expression of an intimate loving and trustworthy, committed relationship, (HIs ideal of marriage). Without this relationship, you’re missing the whole point and sadly hurting yourself and others in the process.
I get to see the fall-out all the time.
I will end this bit of entertainment for you, which I probably shouldn’t have wasted my time on, but just in case some part of you is listening…try reading the book of Proverbs.
Sent sincerely,
Beth
Beth,
First, I want to thank you for taking the time to post a thoughtful challenge to my internet antics. Clearly, we disagree on a number of subjects and I am sorry if my “cavalier attitude towards sex” saddens you. But we both love food, so that’s a start. I can assure you that my THEIR LOSS GRILLED SQUASH recipe has led to many sessions of pre-marital sex, both my own and my readers.
I am a blaspheming, fornicating hedonist who takes your lord’s name in vain on a daily basis. But I was raised Christian and spent my childhood in Sunday school reading the bible until my eyes bled. I respect people’s religious beliefs, which includes the countless religions that regard Jesus as merely a man with great PR skills. Having read Proverbs along with rest of the stories in the Old and New Testament, I dismiss it all as a cute fairy tale with awesome violence sequences and a megaton of begatting. I acknowledge your point that promoting delicious, promiscuous behavior may hurt people medically if they’re too stupid to use protection, but bringing a work of fiction like the Bible into the argument just doesn’t jive. Granted this God fellow you speak of created sex to bring people closer together. But what of the ancient religions of Mesopotamia, Egypt, Greece, Aztecs and so forth that viewed fornicating as a way of getting closer to their respective makers?
The intent of this website is to help people lacking cash, looks and/or game to get their freak on by cooking. If they laugh, that’s an added bonus. I like to think this a community service for the younger, poorer versions of myself that couldn’t get laid in a Tijuana whorehouse wearing a suit made of $100 bills. Cook To Bang works just as well to aid people in sexless marriages to thaw the ice between their partners’ legs. Perhaps you are not my target audience. But I welcome your readership, even if you are merely condemning my fallen generation. Do me a favor: pray for me as I continue to cook and bang recklessly with a wicked smile from ear to ear.
With love stained with questionable fluids,
The Chef
3 Comments | 
SEDUCTION | Tagged: $100 bills, aztec, begatting, beth, blaspheme, cirtique, egypt, fairy tale, god, Greece, greecee, hedonist, home invasions, jesus, marriage, mesopotamia, morally bankrupt, new testament, old testament, open letter, petit pan squash, pr, proverbs, tijuana, whorehouse | 
Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 23, 2009
Raw and raunchy is was better than being blah and paunchy!
It has indeed been an oyster filled wonderland here at COOK TO BANG these last few weeks. I would apologize and offer some sort of assurance that something like this will never happen again. But I’m not some sucker embarrassed by the fact that I have a strong passion for sexy foods and sexier times. Oyster are among my favorite ingredients not only for that unique taste and texture, but because you rarely see aphrodisiacs effects demonstrated quite so obviously. You know that when you serve a plate of raw oysters, raunchy things are sure to follow. It’s almost like an unspoken contract two people enter into when the plate of raw goodness arrives at the table. You both accept that any frolicking that follows is not only appropriate, but expected. A word to the unwilling: refuse to eat or order them if you are going to be a prude buzzkill. For the rest of you lovelies, shuck and jive all the way to bed!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or just about any LIBATION LUBRICATION
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ dozen raw OYSTERS
2. 2 tbsp red wine vinegar
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. ¼ lemon
5. 1 pinch BASIL finely chopped
6. 1 pinch onion finely chopped
7. 1 pinch GINGER finely chopped
8. 1 micro pinch CHILI finely chopped
Step 1
Create the oyster dip by mixing the red wine vinegar, onion, ginger, basil, lemon juice, black pepper and chili. Serve up with the raw oysters and let the naughty games begin!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, buzzkill, chili, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frolicking, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, New Orleans, onion, oyster sauce recipe, Raw & raunchy oysters recipe, recipe, red wine vinegar, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, southern, tart, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 22, 2009
Oh boy, steamed bok choy!
In an effort to make up for my excess of blaspheming in yesterday’s post, please accept this most healthy atonement. I never run out of praise for the Japanese culture for the joy they bring to my life from ninjas to bukake. Above all other things, I worship their healthy, yet delicious food. To make things taste that good without turning you into a sumo wrestler takes millenniums of practice. I have bedded my share of geishas using their dishes. Most of my recipes are at least influenced by Japanese low-fat cooking methods. One could say I have a Japanese fetish. But if loving a culture that create sushi, ninjas and hentai porn is wrong, than I will join the majority of the male population in screaming: Thank you oh so very very much! Now heat up some water because it’s about to get steamy up in here!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer, sake or Sake Bombs!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp soy sauce
2. 3 baby bok choy
3. ½ lemon
Step 1
Steam the baby bok choy until the leaves wilt and become bright green (approx 25-30 min). Remove from the steam, squeeze lemon over them add the soy sauce. You now have one of the most sexy, simple side dishes ever conceived by man…or samurai!
Leave a Comment » | asian, healthy, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: Asia, asian, atonement, baby bok choy, bang, banging, blaspheme, bukake, delicious, DIY, Don’t be coy book choy, easy, fetish, food, game changer, geisha, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hentai, homemade, intercourse, japan, Japanese, kitchen, lemon, libido, millenniums, naked, ninja, porn, recipe, sake bombs, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, steamed bok choy recipe, steamy, sumo wrestler, sushi, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 21, 2009
Can you fig it? Yes you can! Can we fig it? Yes we will!
As long as you can fig it, we can dig it! At least that’s what Eve told me when I crashed a party at the Garden of Eden. It was a pretty epic throw down with animals of paradise serving up all manner of hors d’oeuvres from the bountiful fruit found in the garden. God was DJ’ing, digging in his crate of music not-yet-invented to keep the party hopping. The best part was that everyone was naked, unaware that their hot bodies were meant to cause them shame. Adam was too busy discussing his odd mass of body hair around his pubic region with my wingman the snake to notice that I had led Eve away to fix her up some food of biblical awesomeness. I gathered all the goods throughout the garden and slapped it together. Did you know English muffins grew on trees before Original Sin? Eve was all about it and more than down to commit sins not yet documented. Post-coital, totally out of breath, Eve was hungry once more. I was on my way out, but my man the snake that just whooped Adam’s ass in a nectar-drinking contest, tossed her an apple as we vanished into history once more.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA or holy water (just add vodka)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise (or your favorite condom-ment)
2. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
4. 1 English muffin
5. 1 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
Step 1
Split the English muffin in half and toast it. Spread a little mayo or the condom-ment that gets you the wettest. Add green onion, tomato, avocado and crown it all with some kick ass figs.
Serve it up to your date and commence with some original sin!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegetarian | Tagged: adam & eve, avocado, awesomeness, bang, banging, basil, bible, biblical, can you dig it?, delicious, DIY, dj, drinking contest, easy, English muffin, fig, Fig sandwich recipe, food, forbidden fruit, fruit, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, god, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, hors d'oeuvres, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, naked, nectar, original sin, pubic hair, recipe, sandwich, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, snake, tasty, toast, tomato, veggies, wingman, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 18, 2009
Shoot em up with aphrodisiac charged slurps!
Ready, aim, fire! KERPLOW! That’s the sound of resistance to your sexy ass being obliterated. Oysters as you well know rev up the engine in your pantalones like filling up a Prius with rocket fuel or feeding a gerbil meth. And combine it with the sweet warm embrace of vodka and you are ready to fucking rumble, I first fell in love with oyster shooters in the Big Easy, New Orleans for you uninitiated. I downed three of them before charging out onto Bourbon Street where Mardi gras madness was on like a very horny Donkey Kong. The seething mass of frat boys and sorostitutes were no match for me. I was suited and booted with oyster power that made me stand out from the crowd of fools. I led one such sorority tramp away from the rest of the Greeks, pounded oyster shots with her and then vanished to my nearby hotel room where we banged each other’s brains out. Things got a little weird after when I forgot her name (Courtney perhaps?), but my libido made up for my apparent disrespect of this Southern Belle, I do declare!
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Eating Buddy: This is best of both worlds: food & booze!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1½ shots ice-cold vodka
2. 4 dashes TABASCO sauce
3. 2 slices lemon
4. 2 raw OYSTERS
5. 2 pinches cilantro chopped finely
Step 1
Remove the raw oysters from the shells and scoop them into the shot glasses. Add the cilantro and lemon, fill up the glasses with vodka, and add a few dashes of Tabasco sauce. Bottoms up…literally!
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: big easy, booze, delicious, donkey kong, food, frat boy, game changer, gerbil, get laid, greeks, guarantee, intercourse, kerplow, kitchen, lemon, libation lubrication, libido, Louisiana, mardis gras, meth, New Orleans, oh boy, Oyster shooter recipe, oysters, recipe, resistance, seduce, SEDUCTION, shoot her, sorostitute, southern belle, Tabasco sauce, tasty, vodka, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 15, 2009
2 sexy, satisfied customers
So upon special request, I am posting these antics from Friday night at a bar in New York. The setting: my birthday in NY with lots of near and dear friends. We were seated next to a fireplace and someone suggested we roast s’mores. Naturally I was challenged to make it happen. So a little tipsy and rather determined, I stepped out into the rainy night at midnight in search of ingredients. The chocolate and cookies (no bodega in NY carries graham crackers) were easy to find. The marshmallows not so much. But resourceful was my middle name and I found a restaurant that serves hot chocolate with marshmallows. They handed me a tub of marshmallows free of charge partly because I am so goddamn charming, but also since it was my birthday and they probably didn’t want a drunk fool scaring the customers. Next I went up to my hotel room, broke a wooden coat hanger for the metal wiring and was back to my friends in 15 minutes. After clearing it with the establishment, we were roasted marshmallows in the fireplace. Women flocked like hipsters to mustache wax. I have discovered the greatest pickup line EVER: “S’mores?” You’re welcome!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes per S’more
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Whatever is in your hand
Ingredients (for 10 happy customers, or 5 greedy ones):
1. 10 marshmallows
2. 1 CHOCOLATE bar
3. Round cookies (graham crackers unavailable)
Step 1
First you need a fireplace in a bar. Next you need track down your ingredients (or come prepared). Find a metal wire or wooden stick and place your marshmallow on the end of it. Roast it to your preferred level of gooeyness (I like mine a little charred). Slap the marshmallow on the cookie, add a sliver of chocolate and VOILA!
If you can’t at least pull a phone number you are a sucka!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SEDUCTION, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bar, bodega, chocolate, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, graham crackers, guarantee, homemade, hotel, intercourse, kitchen, libido, marshmallows, naked, new york, nyc, pickup, pua, recipe, roast, S’mores recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 9, 2009
Thanks to the good people at Jet Blue who sold me the All-You-Can-Jet Pass, I’m taking COOK TO BANG on the road. For the rest of September and half of October, my ass will be cooking meals in strangers’ homes all across America.
My challenge: to create a feast with only ingredients I find in their fridge and cupboards. These exploits will be filmed and edited into something that will be, at the very least, amusing as I transform stale Cheetos and a brillo pad into a culinary masterpiece using only a hot plate. The following cities are on notice during these dates:
New York, NY – September 10-15
Miami, FL – September 16-17
New Orleans, LA – September 18-20
Denver, CO – September 22-24
Chicago, IL – September 26-27
Charlotte, NC – September 28-29
San Francisco, CA – OCTOBER 2-4
Las Vegas, NV – OCTOBER 8-11
If you live in one of these cities and are down for a delicious experiment, send an e-mail to:
ctbhomeinvasions@gmail.com
Stay tuned for delicious footage to follow. And now back to our regularly scheduled tomfoolery.
2 Comments | CTB Home Invasions | Tagged: challenge, charlotte, chicago, cook to bang, ctb, denver, feast, home invasions, las vegas, Miami, new or, new orleands, New Orleans, new york, san francisco, strangers, tomfoolery, video, volunteers | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 3, 2009
Pity Party table for one?
No, it’s not your pity party and you can’t cry if you want unless you like public ridicule. So you struck out last night. In spite of your best efforts to woo, you still slept alone last night. Don’t be so mopey. It happens to all of us. A little slump now and again will make you appreciate your mojo all the more. Still, you deserve a little romance. We all deserve to feel special. In sexual bear markets, cook to bang yourself. You know that at least you will put out to you. Cook yourself a fine ass breakfast after a passionate night with that sexy bastard in the mirror. Who loves you?
Total time: approximately 6 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 large pita
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 3 eggs
6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful feta cheese
8. 1 small handful chopped parsley
9. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
10. 1 onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Beat the eggs with salt, pepper and parsley.
Step 2
Sauté the onion in olive oil (approx 2 min). Dump the eggs into the pan and scramble (approx 3 min), crowning it with the feta cheese.
Step 3
Split the pita in half and open up the middle. Stuff half the eggs into each, followed by the tomato and avocado.
Serve these with a side of SALSA if you’re feeling a little caliente.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, greek, healthy, Middle Eastern, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bear market, breakfast, cry if I want to, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, masturbation, mojo, morning, naked, pita breakfast sandwich, pity party pita breakfast recipe, recipe, romance, seduce, SEDUCTION, self pity, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 2, 2009
If you eat-a my pita, I'll gladly reciprocate.
That’s right, you read that right. Eat-a my goddamn pita! I don’t care if it sounds rude. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I’m trying to make sure you eat something nutritious…for a change. Don’t harp on me just because I’m looking out for you. No one else has the courage to set your dumb ass straight. You should be thanking me not only for my kindness, but for this sandwich that’s likely the only calories you consume this week that are nonalcoholic. But now that we got the pleasantries out of the way, bitch, let’s get down the hate-fucking each other before work. Passive aggressive sex with pita sandwiches on the go coming right up!
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Sauvignon blanc or beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 thyme pita pizza
2. 2 tbsp HUMMUS
3. 2 handfuls leftover FISH (salmon in pics)
4. 2 large handfuls romaine chopped coarsely
5. 1 small handful kalamata olives
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 200°F/90°C so you can warm the pita pizza up. Spread hummus over half the pita. Scatter the fish, lettuce and pitted olives evenly. Fold the pita over in half and cut them into two sandwiches.
Serve these as a light dinner or when you’re rushing out the door for a meeting because you dillydallied too long with the hot piece of ass in your bed.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, fusion, healthy, Middle Eastern, SINWICHES | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, delicious, DIY, easy, eat-a my pita sinwich, fast, fish, fold, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hummus, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, leftovers. romaine, libido, naked, nonalcoholic, nutritious, on the go, pita pizza, pita sandwich recipe, recipe, salmon, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 1, 2009
These shrimp are tres tres baba cool. No?
If this recipe title isn’t obvious enough, I was up in French Canada. Just call me the ambassador of morally bankrupt American diplomacy. In other words, I’m your typical ambassador. The fact I wasn’t given a motorcade and a villa with a masseuse and sushi chef is beyond me. So I did what I always, make do in style. I befriended a pair of Salopes at an art gallery who invited me over for a barbecue the next day. A bag of shrimp and I was in the door, rifling through their fridge to make something work. The ingredients below are what they had, and thank god for that! My new friends were impressed. One insisted I stay with her for a few days. Canadian-American relations have never been better.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 onion chopper coarsely
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash red CHILI flakes
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1 dash salt
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 handful parsley chopped
8. 1 lb large SHRIMP in shells
9. ¼ lemon
Step 1
Marinate the shrimp with garlic, lemon juice, salt, paprika, red chili flakes, and 1 tbsp olive oil (approx 10 min).
Step 2
Saute the onions in the remaining olive oil until translucent (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp, spreading them out. Flip the shrimp when they pinken (approx 2 min per side). Throw in the parsley and cook another minute.
Serve these shrimp solo or with a SALAD.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: ambassador, American, bang, banging, barbecue, Canada, delicious, diplomacy, DIY, easy, food, French Canadian, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, masseuse, montreal, motorcade, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, parsley, quebec, recipe, red chili flakes, salope, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, Shrimp scampi recipe, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 