August 28, 2009
The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!
“You want boom boom?” asked two Vietnamese hookers on a moped. I was in Hanoi, trekking around in search of mayhem and kick ass pho (Vietnamese noodle soup). I don’t pay for sex. No offense to those who hire whore now and again. My charm and cooking skills are enough to get girls naked. But these two young trollops were hot and the mathematical possibilities enticing it. So I asked them, “Will you love me long time?” They nodded and beckoned me to get on the back of their motorbike. So I countered, “Are you so horny?” Damn straight they were. The cherry on top was when I asked them to call me “Soldier boy.” One said, “We give you boom boom, soldier boy.” The other added, “Me so horny. We love you long time.” I had a Full Metal Jacket growth in my pants, but contracting GI Joe Kung Fu grip wasn’t recommended in my Lonely Planet guide. So I declined their offer for boom boom. Instead I got this chicken sandwich from a street vendor that was amazing, although not quite as interesting as the international incident I passed up. To all the girls I have banged since…You’re Welcome!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 sandwich rolls
2. 1 tsp lemon juice
3. 1 tsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 tsp fish sauce
6. ½ onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 carrot sliced thinly
8. 1 tomato sliced thinly
9. 2 chicken breasts
10. 1 handful shredded coconut
11. 1 handful cilantro chopped finely
12. 1 CHILI diced finely
13. 1 tbsp vegetable oil (not pictured, St. Peter has already taken note)
Step 1
Mince the chicken and then marinate with cilantro, chili, onion, coconut, soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce and lemon juice (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Cook the chicken thoroughly with vegetable oil (approx 5 min). Slice open the bread rolls and stuff the chicken into them. Add the tomato and carrot slices and shut the sandwich, soldier boy.
1 Comment | 
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Posted by cooktobang
June 4, 2009
Whatever, however, whoever. Just Cook To Bang.
Admittedly, this salad’s title kind of blows. Not even with the steroids I scored from Manny Ramirez can I always bat 1000. But this salad neither blew nor sucked. It was totally off the hook yet totally unplanned. I found out way too late that the young lady who came over for dinner was a militant vegetarian. Something about a misdemeanor for chaining herself to a fur coat store in college. Note to self: stop picking up girls at yoga class. The killer SALMON DISH that is a shoe-in CTB was well out. But the consolation prize was she loved feta cheese. So into the fridge I went and in a moment of panic grabbed everything that looked like feta-friendly. The salad before you is whatever was in the fridge and it was awesome. My hippie crusader chained herself to my bed to protest us running out.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients:
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 pinch of herbs de Provence
4. 1 handful of kalamata olives
5. ½ lemon
6. 2 endives
7. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
9. 1 steamed red BEET sliced thinly
10. Steamed ASPARAGUS
11. 1 small handful of feta cheese (leave out to make vegan)
Step 1
First you must prep the vegetables. Break the romaine lettuce apart every two inches and wash it all. Slice up the endives every inch or so. Also cut the asparagus every inch or so.
Step 2
Combine the sliced endives, romaine lettuce, tomatoes, beets, olives, crumbled feta cheese, Herbs de Provence, olive oil, and lemon juice in a large bowl. Toss that salad like a pro.
Serve it up to even the crunchiest of guests.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, fusion, greek, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: Antoine salad, bang, banging, baseball, college, crusader, dairy, delicious, DIY, dodgers, easy, endives, feta cheese, food, fur, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, healthy, healthy salad recipe, heart healthy, herbs de Provence, hippie, homemade, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, lemon, libido, los angeles, Manny Ramirez, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, random salad, recipe, romaine lettuce, seduce, sex, steamed asparagus, steamed red beet, tasty, tomatoes, vegetarian, whatever was in the fridge salad recipe, yoga class, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 27, 2009
Lick it before you stick it!
Agreed. They are addictive. Your first instinct is to run your tongue across them, indulging in as much essence as you can suck down. It’s like a smoking crack: you know better, but you do it anyway. You may not want to go on without it. You will have postpartum depression and experience nasty withdrawals that will alienate those you love. We’re talking about high-grade lower fat* shit here. The street value is ridiculous. That is how these good baked garlic fries can be. My advice is to get your date hooked. Turned them into your garlic fry crack whore. They will be under your spell and willing to do anything for their garlic fix. I mean ANYTHING. Be warned that garlic can be a smelly curse. But if ye both eat of the stinking rose, neither of ye shall recoil.
*Baked garlic fries are not low fat, just less fattening than the deep fried version.
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: Beer, preferably Belgium like Chimay or Leffe
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 2 teaspoons of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
4. 2 large potatoes
5. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Peel the potatoes, and then slice the potatoes lengthwise every ½ inch on one side, and then flip them 90 degrees and cut more ½ inch strips, thus creating fries.
Step 2
Throw the fries in a bowl and toss in the garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper and toss it together with your hands.
Step 3
Lay out the fries evenly along the baking sheet, leaving space between them. Bake them for approximately 40 minutes, flipping the fries halfway through cooking. The fries will be crisp and slightly browned. Dump them onto a plate with a paper towel and blot out the excess grease.
Serve on a platter with your favorite condom-ment!
Baked Garlic Fries are the Devil's plan
3 Comments | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, french, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: appetizer, baked, baked garlic fries, bang, black pepper, carbohydrates, carbs, crack, crack ho, crack whore, delicious, DIY, easy, finger food, French fries, game changer, garlic, Garlic French fries recipe, garlic fries, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthier, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lickable, lower fat, naked, not fried, olive oil, potatoes, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, side dish, stinking rose, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 25, 2009
There's a nympho mermaid off the starboard bow!
Hop into my endive boat and we can sail away to an island far far away. The boat is fully loaded with all manner of extravagances. A team of attentive monkey butlers who are never too busy making us fresh fruit SMOOTHEES to rub our bunions staffs the boat. Did I mention we have a smiling octopus captaining the ship? Seven tentacles control every aspect of the ship, leaving the last tentacle to sip MOJITOS. We can shuffleboard the afternoon away against our robotic arm competition. A chorus of endangered and extinct songbirds will serenade us while we dance the night away on the deck with lightning bugs setting the mood. I bet you never thought all this could be possible from a little finger food. Ye of little faith! Accept that this appetizer shall get your date in the mood to sail away to Pleasure Island this night. Ahoy there!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITO or a RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of HONEY
2. 1 pear
3. 1 handful of raw walnuts
4. Small handful of Roquefort cheese
5. 1 large red endive
Step 1
Wash the endive thoroughly. Chop the stalk off and separate out the intact leafs to fill like boats. Cut off narrow pear strips that can fit inside the endive boats.
Step 2
Use a butter knife to fill each endive boat with Roquefort cheese. Place pieces of walnut over the cheese, followed by a slice of pear. Once they are all assembled, drizzle the honey evenly over the filled endive boats and serve.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, french, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, SEDUCTION | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizers, bang, bend over, bleu cheese, captain, delicious, DIY, easy, endangered, endive, Endive appetizer recipe, endive boat party, endive finger food recipe, extinct, finger food, fruit smoothees, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, island, kitchen, lightning bugs, monkey butlers, naked, nibbles, nipplers, octopus, pear, pleasure island, recipe, robots, Roquefort cheese, seduce, sex, shuffleboard, shuffleboard. Robots, songbirds, tasty, tentacles, walnut, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 31, 2008
Taste my soup and Vive la France!
Voulez-vous coucher avec moi? Yes indeed, mon ami. But before we get down to the task at hand, let’s get some sustenance. Oui? You have to love those Frenchy frogs with their many culinary innovations. The precision they employ to make their fabulous meals is unparalleled and has been turning us on for centuries. Merci to that! Who doesn’t love a bowl of French onion soup on a cold winter day? The salty tang of the onions, the soggy French bread and stretchy cheese that always ends up on your chin. My knees are knocking while I eat seconds as I write this. Tres joleis! This soup certainly stepped up to the plate of providing radical results. My date was clearly impressed by the TLC put into it, but it was love at first bite. Neither of us could finish the bowl due to the distractions of wine and spontaneous waltzing around the kitchen. The first post-coital bite made me want to put on a beret and write post-modern poetry in French. Sacre bleu!
Total time: approximately 1½ hours
Projected cost: $10 (gruyere cheese makes it costly)
Drinking Buddy: Wine of course, silly Yankee scum!
Ingredients:
1. 1 teaspoon of salt
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. ½ cup of cooking sherry
4. 6 cups of chicken broth
5. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
6. 1 tablespoon of dried thyme (or 6 sprigs fresh)
7. 2 tablespoons of butter
8. 6 yellow onion chopped in long strips
9. French baguette cut into ½ inch slices
10. 8 ounces of Gruyere cheese (can substitute for Swiss)
Step 1
Heat a stockpot up on medium heat and melt the butter and olive oil with the salt. Throw in the onions and mix them around. Cook the onions until they reduce in volume and brown. (approx 20 minutes)
Step 2
Pour in 2 cups of water into the onions and cook until the water evaporates, leaving the onions in a big brown clump. (approx 10 minutes) Pour in the sherry and repeat. (approx 5 minutes)
Step 3
Add the thyme and chicken broth. On high heat, bring it all to a roaring boil, then reduce heat and simmer. (approx 30 minutes)
Step 4
Preheat the oven to broil. Ladle soup into the small, deep bowls. Place French bread slices on top of each soup. Sprinkle the Gruyere cheese over each slice of French bread so they are covered evenly. Broil the soups (approx 5 minutes), allow to cool (another 5 minutes), and then eat up. Ooh la la!
1 Comment | french, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, broil, cheesy, chicken broth, delicious, easy, fancy, Francophile, french, French bread, French onion soup, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gruyere cheese, guarantee, hearty, hot, HOT LIQUID LOVE, intercourse, kitchen, naked, onions, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, sherry, soup, thyme, warm, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 