September 16, 2013
Wrap it, wrap it, WRAP IT up tight!
Culinary seduction is a delicate dance. One can never seem too eager or lackadaisical. Walk the tightrope. It’s all about putting as much passion into your cooking as you do into your banging. Like in the sack, you want them begging for more of your food. This can yield repeat visits from a sex kitten or wild stallion. They might just tell their friends about the hottest night of their adult life, your future CTB candidates. There is no better publicity than an outstanding performance. Hence, this fine dish. It all started while I was house-sitting a family friend’s home in Key West. I took a booze cruise along the Florida Bay where I met a college girl staying with her eccentric aunt. We laughed and drank and were both ravenous when we stepped off the SS Drunken Fools. I bought freshly shucked jumbo scallops from a fisherman on the docks and lured her to my abode with promises of the “best meal ever”. When I got to the pad I found a fridge loaded with only condiments and frozen bacon in the freezer. Desperation leads to innovation and in this case fornication. The bacon was crisp, the scallops succulent, the flavor in full effect. After eating my food, this college girl was down for just about anything. She did in fact beg for more and more and more. Only a cold-hearted bastard would deny her. Read the rest of this entry »
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bacon, Bacon wrapped scallop recipe, bacon wrapped scallops, bang, booze cruise, college girl, crushed red pepper, delicious, easy, fisherman, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, jumbo scallops, kitchen, lime, mayonnaise, naked, recipe, romance, salt, scallops, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, southern, succulent, sun dried tomato, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
August 5, 2013
Fellas, say this when you serve it up, “Soy Senor Grande Magnifico!”
After you CTB for a while, you get immune to the awe-inspired praise. Deliver the two primal pleasures in large quantities and you will have them brainwashed. Wielding the culinary seduction skills of a wizard has its advantages. You are in control, literally dishing out doses of delight turns you into the banging equivalent of a crack dealer. Intense rushes of ìoohsî and ìahsî are dealt like vials of culinary crack on the playground. Your chosen playpal(s) will be unable to resist you whenever you lead them by the hand into your kitchen. Culinary crack hos they will soon become. This aphrodisiac triple-threat is the perfect first taste that will leave them begging for their next fix. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: ah, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, black pepper, brainwash, calivirgin, culinary crack ho, culinary seduction, delicious, DIY, easy, fig jam, fix, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, it’s so fig! shrimp, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, ooh, pine nuts, recipe, red onion, salt, sauce, sauté, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, shrimp in fig sauce recipe, tasty, triple-threat, wizard, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 25, 2013
Roast them, eat them, do not fear them
Title translation: “Tomatillos for my friends with benefits”. Cook To Bang firmly stands behind our willingness to reach out and touch the sexy people of all nations and languages. I’m not only a representative of international culinary seduction, I’m also a client. Hence the multinational recipes, which truly give you BANG for your buck. Tomatillos are a piece of produce too often overlooked. No doubt, I have walked past them in my local bodega wondering, “What’s with those green tomato thingees wrapped in their own leaves? I shall deny their existence just as I deny that there is an alien living in my basement that watches reality TV all day. Sorry, Roger.” Luckily I managed to break down my fear of the unknown because I had a date coming over who had already tried a good portion of my edible arsenal. So on a hope and a prayer to one of Roger’s alien gods, I got down to business and made up something random, loading it with surefire aphrodisiacs. Wouldn’t you know it, my date was rather impressed with my latest efforts and showed it via some new moves she learned watching Animal Planet. We may have freaked Roger out with our inhuman grunts, but he’s a guest in my house. So tough titties, you alien freeloader! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alien, aphrodisiac, appetizer, bake, bang, bodega, cayenne pepper, delicious, easy, finger food, flavor, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hands off, honey, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, mexico, naked, not salsa tomatillo, olive oil, oven, reality TV, recipe, roast, Roasted tomatillo recipe, roger, romance, salt, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, spicy, spicy tomatillo recipe, tasty, tomatillos, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 3, 2013
Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn if you're tired. Let's bang.
I do declare! Watching all these thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby sure does make me hot under the collar. The horse racing is nice too. The Southern belles wearing their summer hats and sundresses easily bests watching graceful four-legged beasts kick up fresh grass. Hot to fucking trot! It seems this race is nothing more than an excuse for bourgeois people to socialize and fornicate. Fine with me. It’s like a guy in a threesome. He’s only there so the girls don’t feel like they are lesbians. Don’t worry, girls. Guys will always be willing to be your reason du jour. Naturally, girls peeling sundresses off in the summer heat makes you want to cool off with a classic Southern beverage like the mint julep. Plays your cards right, mix the drink well, and you gents might be lucky enough to be the excuse for a threesome. Just remember, you’re really only there to watch. Enjoy the show! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | libation lubrication, southern, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, aphrodisiac, bang, beverage, bourbon, bourgeois, delicious, drink, drinkable, drunken, easy, elegant, fancy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, horse racing, horses, intercourse, Kentucky, Kentucky derby, kitchen, ladies hats, lick your lips, mint, Mint julep recipe, naked, recipe, romance, scarlet O’Hara, SEDUCTION, sex, smarty Jones, south, southern, southern belle, tasty, thoroughbred, whiskey, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 8, 2013
The steaks are high. If we don’t bang, the world could exxxplode.
Upping the ante is the best way to take things from zero to banging. Like when the odds are against you in a hand of POKER, a little bluster counts for a lot. My process is to continually top my previous culinary efforts. Not only do my dates appreciate it, my skills improve more by the day. Go all in with your meal. They will swoon and you will collect that POKER BONUS. Meeting the expectation of cooking something nice isn’t enough for me. If it’s not exceptional enough to be remembered when they’re old and gray, I am doing something wrong. The Cook To Bang legacy must be etched into their sub-conscious and passed down through the generations like alcoholism. All food they taste after, even in Michelin 3 Star restaurants, should taste like sand flavored with sewage. Only then can I relax, a job well done. Sure I could have just made a salad, or drunkenly eat the leftover steak cold out of the fridge. But then I’d have to look at myself in the mirror knowing I was a disappointment to my family, friends, and even my pets. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, beef, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: 3 star restaurant, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, calivirgin, chop, delicious, disappointment, DIY, drunkenly, easy, expectation, field greens, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gray, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, leftover, libido, lime, Michelin, naked, old, olive oil, recipe, red onion, relax, rib eye steak, sand, seduce, SEDUCTION, sewage, sex, steak, steak salad recipe, tasty, tomatoes, toss, up the stakes, up the steaks salad, white wine vinegar, yummy, zero to banging | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 5, 2013
The roastest with the mostest!
It’s a damn shame how many people fear the artichoke. On the surface, it’s an intimidating vegetable. The spiky leaves that could kill a man certainly don’t help. Neither does the complicated center that is pretty, but inedible. But alas, once you get past all that superfluous nonsense, you got yourself an aphrodisiac that tastes like you broke off an angel’s wing and dipped it in wasabi. The texture alone should sell you on this magnificent gift from the food gods. Plus we’re talking finger food here. That means you can hand feed your date, fostering an intimacy you can later exploit. While you wait for the artichoke to roast, you can whip something equally awesome up or just waltz your date around the kitchen like a ballerina. Now be brave, be bold and buy yourself some artichokes! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: angel wings, aphrodisiac, artichoke, bang, banging, black pepper, calivirgin, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, olive oil, recipe, roast, Roast artichoke recipe, roast the choke blokes!, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spiky leaves, tasty, vegan, vegetable, vegetarian, wasabi, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 13, 2013
Give ’em a good talker before giving ’em a shocker!
You could almost call this the “shocker” of salads. There you are serving your date up some salad and they’ll assume it’s some sort of noodle salad. Ha! You will laugh uproariously when you inform them this gluten and low-carb salad ain’t got none of that noise. We’re talking healthy to the point of being almost impossible to fathom. How could a salad taste so freakishly awesome with a texture akin to licking an angel’s naught bits? Unfortunately for you, my lawyers have informed me that these are trade secrets. But I fought back and insisted in at least giving out the recipe to my readers. So COOK TO BANG in good health knowing that somewhere out there you have a digital chef wingman looking out for your baser needs. Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, atkins, fusion, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, atkins, avocado, bang, banging, cilantro, delicious, digital chef, DIY, easy, fathom, food, game changer, get laid, gluten-free, gourmet, green onion, greens, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, libido, lime, low-carb, naked, naughty bits, noodle salad, recipe, roast, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, soy sauce, spaghetti squash salad, spaghetti squash shocker salad recipe, tasty, the shocker, tomato, vegan, vegetarian, wingman, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 13, 2012
The resourceful bird gets the worm and makes their lovers squirm with glee.
One good spaghetti squash recipe deserves another. The first round was ITALIAN PASTA STYLE; this is an Asian spicy noodle version that maximizes the low-carb way of life. Truth be told, these spaghetti squash strands were leftovers I had no clue how to make. But I was hung over one morning with some random piece of strange from the night before whose name I couldn’t remember for the life of me sleeping in my bed. I thought perhaps some sustenance would jar my brain into remembering who the hell this naked hottie was still snoring. Carbs help soak up alcohol, but to my chagrin, my roommate finished up my rice noodles. My head was pounding too hard to act anything but resourceful. Many thanks to the leftover spaghetti squash strands that were a champion noodle substitute. My mystery date dug them too. And my roommate redeemed herself for her early offense by introducing herself to the beautiful stranger, hence arming me with a name. It made things easier when I asked the less-mysterious girl to leave before my lunch date arrived. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, atkins, Chinese, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, spicy, thai, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, bang, banging, Chinese, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fast, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, hung over, intercourse, italian, kitchen, leftovers, libido, low-carb, mystery girl, naked, recipe, red cabbage, resourceful, roommate, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soy sauce, spaghetti squash, Spaghetti squash asian noodles recipe, spaghetti squash nudey noodles, spicy, spicy spaghetti squash recipe, sriracha chili sauce, stir fry, strange, tasty, thai, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 6, 2012
Yes you will!
Cook To Bang is taking a day off from sexy talk to brandish you with self-indulgent politics aside. Forgive the latte liberal over here and vote. The US was founded on this inalienable right. The last four years were hard. It might seem that unfortunate circumstances are cock-blocking your future. Remember that out of tragedy comes opportunity. Innovation is the bastard child of inconvenience. So when bread goes stale, make CROUTONS. Burn the chicken and you got one awesome meal for the dog. If the condom breaks…never mind. Always trust your instincts, follow your heart and life will rewards you. And never ever skip out on the finer things in life, like COOKING AND BANGING. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, italian, RECIPES, SEDUCTION | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, avocado, bang, basil, cantaloupe, delicious, easy, finger food, foreplay, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, italian, kitchen, melon, naked, olive oil, prosciutto, recipe, romance, romantic, sea salt, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, wrapped cantaloupe recipe, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 9, 2012
Don’t commit hari kari! You got so much banging to do…
Dead sexy. That is how they describe those who got in my way. To my nemeses, you are on notice: don’t mess with my cooking or banging game! I trained in mountains of Japan not only to cook amazing Japanese dishes and bang geishas by the bushel, but to kill when necessary. Wielding a knife is already second nature to me. That’s merely in addition to my ability to climb walls with suction cups, assassinate foreign dignitaries in their sleep, and then bang their mistresses. It’s almost unfair to my rivals, but life is a series of injustices that I am slowly correcting. I have to make up for my yellow Walkman being smashed by a neighborhood bully when I was 8. If that means cooking, banging, and occasionally killing bad guys, so be it! These oysters are one of many tricks up my ninja sleeves. They render prudes powerless to control their unbridled lust. Hi-ya! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, Japanese, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asian, assassinate, broil, bully, deadly, figs, food, foreign dignitaries, game changer, geisha, get laid, ginger, green onion, guarantee, intercourse, japan, Japanese, Japanese baked oyster recipe, libido, mayonnaise, oysters, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, Sex ninja oyster recipe, spicy, sriracha chili sauce, walkman | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 