June 15, 2009
Noodles = Nudity
That’s it. Take it all off. Every last article must be removed. You know the deal. No naked, no nosh! There you go. Don’t you feel so much better without all those pesky clothes? I know I feel liberated. See? I’m nude too. Watch me do this cartwheel. Whee! Now it’s your turn. I want to see your naughty bits fly in all directions. Again! Again! All this exercise made me hungry. Let’s break. The only proper way to dine on noodles is in the nude. Sure they are spicy, but I know how randy you get when your mouth is on fire. Let the papaya cool you down before things heat back up after the meal.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 8-ounces of dried rice noodle flakes
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of soy sauce
4. ½ tbsp of vegetable oil
5. 1 onion cut in strips
6. 1 handful of crushed pecans
7. ½ a lime
8. ½ of a papaya
9. 2 handfuls of cilantro
10. 1 egg
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Scoop the seeds out of the papaya, and then cut the fruit meat out. Discard the shell and chop up the papaya coarsely.
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, onion and ½ the cilantro with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 3 min). Throw in the papaya and cook it with the soy sauce and Sriracha sauce (approx 2 min).
Step 3
Boil the rice noodle flakes (approx 4 min), drain, toss them into the magic pot of flavor, and then mix it all together.
Step 4
Crack an egg into the pan, and then mix the contents together. Crown the noodles with the crushed pecans and cilantro, and finally squeeze the limejuice over your creation.
Serve up the nude-les solo or with some BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
Leave a Comment » | 
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Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2009
- This Spanish Rice is certifiably spankingly spectacular!
Barcelona in the later summer is a guaranteed whirlwind for the weary traveler with a backpack. Flamenco guitars serenade beauties in the balconies above and capture the heart of even the biggest hater. I remember one thing with absolute clarity: the quality of the food and women are top notch. Black designer mini dresses flapping behind Vespas. Plates piled high with raw shellfish and overflowing bowls of the best rice I had ever tasted. One night after a sangria or three and a plate full of OYSTERS, I found myself being led to a discotequa by a Nigerian Dr. Dre wannabe I befriended at a coffee shop. My evening soundtrack became hip hop beats to Catalan** lyrics. I don’t speak a word. My 3rd grade level Spanish was all I had to flirt with a Barcelona pure-bred hottie. She awarded me an A for effort and danced with me out in a plaza off Las Ramblas. We were good to go back to my place until she found out I was at a hostel sharing a room with three strangers. She vanished into the nearest cab leaving me bummed out with blue balls. So I cheered myself up with a perfect consolation prize: a plate of Spanish rice. I suppose that it was almost as good as spanking a Spaniard.
**In Barcelona, they speak Catalan, a derivation of Spanish that is a bitch to learn.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends what you serve with it. Tequila, beer or sangria if you are feeling especially Spanish
Ingredients:
1. 1 cup of white rice
2. 2 cups of chicken broth
3. 1 dash of salt
4. ¼ cup of olive oil
5. 1 handful of chopped cilantro
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
10. 1 small carrot chopped or grated coarsely
Step 1
Toast the rice first by heating up the oil in a pan on medium heat and cook until they brown, stirring occasionally (approx 5 minutes). Throw in the garlic and cook another minute. Throw in the rest of the veggies: cilantro, tomato, onion, bell pepper and carrot and cook them down with the toasty rice (approx 5 minutes).
Step 2
Pour in the chicken stock and salt it up a bit. Crank the heat up until the stalk begins to boil, then turn the heat down super low and simmer until the rice absorbs the stock (approx 20 minutes). You officially have some spectacular spanking Spanish rice to serve with something equally outstanding like ORANGASMIC CATFISH, FISHY PINK TACOS or MOLE. Go get those chicas and hombres!
Leave a Comment » | CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, mexican, RECIPES, spanish | Tagged: bang, Barcelona, carbohydrate, carboluscious, carrot, chicken stock, cilantro, dance, delicious, easy, fancy, flamenco, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, naked, olive oil, onion, recipe, red bell pepper, rice, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, simmer, spain, spaniard, spanish, Spanish Rice recipe, spanking, starch, toast, tomato, white rice | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 10, 2008
Curry some favor with these spicy flavors
This Thai curry dish is like a hot night of indiscretion in the steamy city of Bangkok. That’s where I first had a dish at a small restaurant right off of PatPong 2 before witnessing the seedier side of Southeast Asia. So delicious and decadent. Curry can be a little dangerous and on the edge, like watching a tiger cage fight while telling the lady boys that you are not interested in boom boom tonight. Welcome to the spicy side of COOK TO BANG. You will instantly become the bad boy or girl that your date’s parents warned them about. They will sweat before you even touch them. If you have that kind of effect with your food, your date can only assume that the night will only get steamier. Yes, indeedy. So relax and enjoy the happy ending.
Total time: approximately 35-45 minutes
Projected cost for ingredients: $10
Drinking buddy: Beer, Thai or Indian
Ingredients:
1. 1 tablespoon of flour
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. 1 cup of coconut milk
4. 2 teaspoons of curry paste (1 teaspoon of curry powder)
5. 1 teaspoon of oyster sauce
6. 1 tablespoon of rice vinegar
7. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
8. 1 large eggplant cut into bite-sized pieces
9. 1 handful of mushrooms cut
10. 1 pound of chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
11. ½ a lemon
12. Meat of 1 mango sliced and diced
13. 1 yellow bell pepper cut into bite-sized pieces
14. 1 handful of cilantro
15. 4 green onion chopped coarsely
16. 3 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
Mix the cilantro, oyster sauce, curry paste, coconut milk and flour in a bowl. Stir vigorously like you’re still in Jr. High until the curry sauce becomes a pinkish-orange. Set aside.
Step 2 (Skip this step if you want to make it vegetarian)
Marinate the chicken in the rice vinegar, soy sauce and lemon. After 15 minutes, use 1 tablespoon of olive oil and cook the chicken until the meat turns white. Set aside.
Step 3
On high heat, use the remaining and sauté the garlic and green onions. After a minute add the mango and cook it down. Throw in all the remaining vegetables except the eggplant and cook for another two minutes until the veggies soften. Now add the eggplant and cook until they soften and absorb the mango/garlic.
Step 4
Pour the curry sauce over the veggies and stir thoroughly, making sure the eggplant has softened considerably. Toss in the chicken and mix it all together with the veggies and curry sauce. Cook another minute to ensure the flavors all absorb before serving over rice with some beer.
Leave a Comment » | asian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, thai | Tagged: asian food, bang, chicken, cilantro, cilantro thai food, classy, Coconut curry, coconut milk, curry paste, delicious, dinner, easy, eggplant, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, lemon, mango, mushrooms, naked, rice, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, soy sauce, spicy, thai curry, Thailand | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 27, 2008
Break me off some of that morning delight
You don’t often hear people lamenting a lack of carbohydrates in their diet. That mean old Dr. Atkins scared people off from the potato, a respectable source or sustenance that kept the Irish alive through the worst of times. The tater and his friend the loaf of bread hid out in the attic away from the anti-carb Gestapo. The bread and potato would surely have joined their “fattening counterparts” in the trash had they not been convinced they aren’t solely responsible for making people fat. Luckily science has proved carbs innocent since good health requires balance, not extreme diets driven by fear. Potatoes are once again en vogue so I suggest you grab yourself some bounties of the soil. This simple method will allow you plenty of time to cook some eggs or just grope your date. The smell of the roasting potatoes will be too enticing for them to resist.
Ingredients:
1. 1 potato cut into bite-sized pieces
2. 1 onion chopped coarsely
3. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
4. Rosemary (fresh if possible)
5. 4 garlic cloves diced
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F. Arrange the potatoes, onions, garlic evenly around a pan. Crown it all with rosemary, then add the olive oil, and salt to taste. 
Step 2
Cook the potato and friends for 25-30 minutes. You will know they are done when the potatoes have softened and can be easily pierced with a fork. Serve it up to accompany an awesome scramble, compliment a breakfast burrito or throw it at the cult members going door to door trying to convert people on their Saturday mornings.
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, breakfast, breakfast burrito, Breakfast potatoes, carbs, cilantro, compliments, delicious, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, naked, onion, onions, potatoes, protein, roast, romance, rosemary, rosemary potatoes, SEDUCTION, set and forget, sex, side dish, simple, sinful, taters | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 26, 2008
Rambling, gambling and scrambling for a little sexy time.
Did the date go better than expected? Has it already been a long morning already with the third round of coed naked Wrestle Mania? You both must be famished and deserve a worthy recharge. Protein and veggies should get you back on track for the afternoon of blowing of errands to go for gold in the one-hour orgasm. Scrambles combine the flavor of the omelet with the simplicity of a boring side of scrambled eggs. It’s chef’s choice in what to toss in the pan with the eggs. There are as many possible combinations of veggies, meats, cheeses and flavor as sexual positions in that perverted mind of yours. Below is essentially a killer combo available in my fridge at the time of creation. My ravenous breakfast companion would have settled for a Pop Tart. But why would I allow such a beautiful beggar to settle for anything less than an edible orgasm?
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 teaspoon of salt
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 chicken sausage chopped in bite-size pieces
4. 3 eggs
5. 2 handfuls of spinach
6. 6 ½ a red bell pepper diced
7. 1 handful of shredded mozzarella cheese
8. 2 green onions diced
9. ½ a handful of cilantro chopped finely
Step 1
Crack the eggs in a bowl, thrown in the salt and the cilantro and beat together.
Step 2
Throw the olive oil in a pan and sauté the green onions and sausage on medium heat until they brown. Add the spinach and red peppers, cooking until the spinach wilts and peppers soften.
Step 3
Pour in the eggs mixture over the sausage and veggies evenly so it creates a circular pancake. Once the eggs harden, mix it all around until cook thoroughly.
Step 4
Turn off the heat, toss the mozzarella over the eggs, and cover with a lid. Give the cheese a minute or so to melt and serve it up with some breakfast potatoes, fruit salad, or the warm embrace of a tortilla.
1 Comment | MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, breakfast, cheese, cilantro, delicious, easy, Egg scramble, eggs, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, melt, MORNING WOOD, mozzarella, naked, protein, red pepper, romance, sausage, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 24, 2008
- Mambo mango cook to bango
Regular salsa shouts out “yum!” but mango salsa says you’re both, “classy and well-endowed (with ability to cook).” This little condiments can take the mundane like a healthy (boring) baked chicken and make it magical. You can assure that anorexic supermodel that the calories are minimal. Besides, you’ll burn through those calories soon enough, you sex machine.
Ingredients:
1. 1 mango roughly chopped and depitted
2. 1 tomato roughly chopped
3. 1 handful of cilantro roughly chopped, stems removed
4. 1 green onion roughly chopped
5. ½ a lime
6. 1 jalapeño, deveined and deseeded, and roughly chopped
Step 1
Throw the chunks of mango, tomato, cilantro, green onion and jalapeno into a bowl and mix like a champ. Squeeze the lime.
Step 2
Mix vigorously so the ingredients are battered around like a 50’s housewife. Serve with chips, Mexican food, salad, or over fish/chicken.
4 Comments | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, chips, cilantro, healthy, jalepeno, lime, mango, mexican, salsa, SEDUCTION, spicy, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 24, 2008
Simple enough so you can figure out how to get that damn bra off.
If only seduction was as simple as making salsa. But simplicity is the root of innovation so go with it. Salsa with chips can be a nice light meal or compliments countless dishes. Over fish, tacos, eggs, you name it. Be sure to tell your date you made it from only the finest ingredients, even if you bought them off a truck.
Ingredients:
1. 2 tomatoes roughly chopped
2. 1 green onion roughly chopped
3. 1 handful of cilantro roughly chopped, stems removed
4. 1 jalapeño, deveined and deseeded, and roughly chopped
5. ½ a lime
6. Salt to taste
Step 1
Throw the chunks of tomato, green onion, cilantro and jalapeno into a bowl, squeeze the lime and throw in salt to taste.
Step 2
Mix like an 80’s hip-hop DJ until the salsa break-dances on your date’s tongue via a tortilla chip or your finest taco sampler.
1 Comment | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, cilantro, condiment, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, jalepeno, lime, mexican, onions, salsa, spicy, tacos, tomato, tortilla chips | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 