Das unt good? Das is banging!
I love me some fraus. German women inspire both lust and terror in me. Perhaps it’s the fractional Jewish blood that runs through my veins, like some twisted Eva Braun fantasy. Read the rest of this entry »
SQUIRMIN’ GERMAN BEET SALAD
May 10, 2010
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APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, german, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beets, captain’s hat, casual whippings, delicious, DIY, easy, eva braun, feta cheese, food, frau, game changer, garnish, german, german beet salad recipe, germany, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, horse crop, intercourse, jewish, kitchen, lederhosen, libido, naked, papers, parsley, recipe, red onion, red wine vinegar, role-playing, salad, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shiza, shiza film, Stockholm syndrome, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
CTB BOOK PROMO 2: COOK TO BANG VS. RESTAURANT DATE
May 5, 2010And along comes the second installment of the emotional Douche Bags VS. Cook To Bang guy saga. This time the douches crash and burn spending serious coin at a fancy restaurant. The Cook To Bang guy kills it by simply cooking and banging at home.
Stay tuned for the final DBag chapter. 1 week until the CTB BOOK hits bookshelves! I know you’re waiting with baited breath.
2 Comments | SEDUCTION, video | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bar, book, breakfast, cheesy, commercial, cook to bang, crash and burn, ctb book, dbag, delicious, douche, douche bag, douchey, ed hardy, euro, euro trash, fancy, food, frat boy, funny, get laid, horny, hot girl, kegs, love, pick up artist, preppy, promo, pua, restaurant, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, shannon kingston, short, trust fund baby, video, wrigley, youtube | Permalink
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COOK TO BANG HOME INVASIONS VIDEO
April 23, 2010Back in September I took Cook To Bang ON THE ROAD for a month courtesy of Jet Blue’s All-You-Can-Jet Pass. I reached out to CTB readers, old friends, old flames, and random hotties on my many flights to find gaggles of girls to cook for. The challenge was to create three-course meals using only what I found in their fridges and panties, I mean pantries. There were easy ones and total clusterfucks. I raided University of Illinois, Chicago dorm rooms for food and somehow created salad, nachos, steamed asparagus, and epic fail peanut butter cookies for 25 students. Editor extraordinaire Gary Evans edited this sizzle reel from 9½ hours of footage. Yes, that is what I look like.
You might be able to cook better if you don’t live in a dorm and just take classes from home.
Leave a Comment » | SEDUCTION | Tagged: bang, banging, boulder, charlotte, chicago, ctb, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, home invasions, homemade, intercourse, jet blue, kitchen, las vegas, libido, Miami, naked, New Orleans, new york, random girls, recipe, san francisco, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
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GLAD TO MEETYA FAJITA SALAD
April 19, 2010
Hey Bonita, glad to meet ya!
Food is the great equalizer. No matter how rich, poor, hot, or totally busted you are, we all gotta eat. That’s why the CTB method works so well. Unless you are some enlightened monk impervious to hunger pangs and lascivious loins, we all need to cook and bang. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, mexican, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: atkins, bang, banging, cook, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, glad to meetya, gourmet, great equalizer, greens, guarantee, hail mary, healthy, herpes harpies, homemade, hunger pangs, kitchen, lascivious, lemon, libido, Lindsay lohan, low-carb, mexican, mexico, monk, naked, pears, poach, recipe, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
THIS LITTLE FIGGY EGGS
April 14, 2010
Naughty nursery rhyme time!
This little figgy went to the market (to buy ingredients and condoms)
This little figgy stayed home (and Cooked to Bang)
This little figgy had roast beef (curtains)
This little figgy had none (because he was cooking for a vegan)
And this little figgy went “Wee! Wee! Wee!” all the way home (bragging about the latest CTB conquest).
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: akins, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, beat, breakfast, calivirgin, cook, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, figs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, morning, MORNING WOOD, naked, nursery rhyme, olive oil, recipe, sausage, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, this little figgy eggs, this little piggy, yummy | Permalink
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SNEAK PAST THE GOALIE AIOLI
April 6, 2010
He/she shoots...he/she scores!!!
That goalie is one cock-blocking bastard! They are intent on keeping you both from experiencing Shangi la. You better be clever if you’re going to score. My trick is to act like I never intend to shoot for glory until their guard is down. Nonchalance and heaping bowl of sarcasm usually accomplish this. When that isn’t enough, I revert to my Cook To Bang practices and end up scoring a weekend hat trick. Aioli does not qualify as sexy on its own. For some reason mayonnaise never caught on like whipped cream in the art of culinarylingus. But alas, you can use it as a FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY dip, a spread for SINWICHES, or eat this CONDOM-MENT with a spoon. In the immortal words of a soccer/football announcer GOOOOOOAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLL!
Total time: 3 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking buddy: All depends on what you serve with it
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 4 tbsp mayonnaise
2. 1 dash sea salt
3. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
4. 1/2 lemon
5. 1 small handful sun-dried tomatoes
Step 1
Fill up a food processor or blender with the mayonnaise, sun-dried tomatoes, basil, sea salt, and squeeze in the lemon juice. Puree it into a gorgeous orange hue and serve, garnishing it with a basil leaf and sun-dried tomato.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, french, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, bastard, blend, cock-blocking, condiment, condom-ment, culinarylingus, delicious, DIY, easy, food, football, game changer, get laid, gourmet, hat trick, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, mayonnaise, naked, nonchalance, recipe, sarcasm, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shangi la, sneak past the goalie aoili, soccer, sun dried tomato, sun-dried tomato aioli recipe, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
WRAP THAT ASS-PARAGUS
April 5, 2010
Wrap it right, wrap it tight.
A fine ass like that deserves to be wrapped up in life’s fineries. Exalt that perfect behind with the TLC it deserves. At least that’s how I approach the perfect booty. Damn close to worship. I show it a good time, probably a better time than the body and mind attached. One surefire method to be hospitable to said ass is to wrap up the asparagus aphrodisiac amazingness with meaty magic. Roll roll, drip drip, sizzle sizzle, mmm mmm! They’re so good your collective lusts may win out over your hunger for the rest of dinner.
Total time: 7 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking buddy: Pinot Noir or Pinot Gris
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 8 ASPARAGUS spears
2. 8 strips bacon (piggy, turkey, or veggie)
3. 2 dashes salt
4. 1 lemon wedge
Step 1
First wash the asparagus and cut 1 inch off the bottoms. Wrap the asparagus in bacon at an angle tightly. Salt as you wish.
Step 2
Warm up the griddle or pan on medium heat. Throw the bacon-wrapped asparagus in and cook, squeezing the lemon juice over as the bacon starts to sizzle. Cook until the down side of the asparagus browns (approx 3 min) before rolling them over. Salt the other side and cook the other side until it browns (approx 2 min).
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, asparagus, ass, atkins diet, bacon, bacon wrapped asparagus recipe, bang, banging, booty, delicious, DIY, easy, fineries, finger food, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hospitable, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, lust, naked, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sizzle, tasty, tlc, wrap, wrap that ass-paragus, yummy | Permalink
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ROE-V-WADE-LICIOUS
April 1, 2010
AKA The Stupak
I already know. I’m going to hell. So quit with the “I never!” already. I get it. Totally understand that this is crossing the line of good taste. But what’s a life without choices? I made the choice to create a ridiculous cocktail that seemed funny at the time. There were some laughs, some gasps, and some, “You’re an ass!” But you know what? One thing everyone agreed on, it was goddamn delicious! APRIL FOOLS, suckas!!!
Total time: 1 minute
Projected cost: $2
Eating buddy: LOX UP YOUR DAUGHTERS
Ingredients (per shot)
1. 3/4 shot of Baileys Irish Cream
2. 1 splash grenadine
3. 1 maraschino cherry
Step 1
Fill a shot glass 3/4 full of Baileys. Toss in a cherry. Fill to top with grenadine. Drink.
2 Comments | libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: abortion, April fools, baileys Irish cream, bang, banging, beverage, booze, choices, cocktail, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, good taste, gourmet, grenadine, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, maraschino cherry, naked, pro-choice, recipe, roe v wade, roe vs. wade, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shot, Stupak, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
BROTHEL BROCCOLI BREAK
March 25, 2010
Broc is a lock 'cuz the ladies do flock
When your pad starts to seem like a whorehouse with all the coming and going and more coming, it’s best to treat your body right. At least once in a while anyway. I’m all for the rock ‘n roll indulgences with fatty foods, barrels of booze, and flocks of freaks. But the monk that resides deep within my soul occasionally takes control and screams “Enough, ya heathen!” So I indulge him by taking a night off from the excitement and excess. And then, like Charlie Sheen at Bolivian whorehouse, I’m back to my usual tomfoolery harder and heavier than ever. Now go on and do yourself right before you do someone else right.
Total time: approximately 6 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: All depends on what you serve with it
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 bunch broccoli
2. 2 tbsp oyster sauce
Step 1
Chop off the bottom of the broccoli stalks so the trees separate. Throw them in boiling water and cook through so they are bright green (approx 3 min). Remove from the broccoli water and toss with oyster sauce. Serve up this mighty fine, healthy side dish with a meaty ENTREE.
Leave a Comment » | asian, Chinese, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: asian, bang, banging, boil, bordello, broccoli, brothel, brothel broccoli break, Charlie sheen, Chinese, Chinese broccoli recipe, Columbian, delicious, DIY, easy, excess, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, heathen, homemade, indulgences, intercourse, kitchen, libido, monk, naked, oyster sauce, recipe, rock and roll, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, tasty, tomfoolery, toss, whorehouse, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
SO EASY FRISEE SALAD
March 23, 2010
Frisee makes them easy peasy, but never sleazy
The easy route isn’t always the sleazy route. It can be downright classy if you do it up right. Few lettuce varieties scream sophistication and debonair style like frisee. You might as well be wearing a monocle and waistcoat when you serve it up. And easy doesn’t just apply to the simplicity of this salad’s assembly. Your date will certainly be up for it, whatever “it” may be. So get with it while the getting is good and easy. Take it frisee!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay, like a classy suburban housewife
Ingredients (serves 6)
1. 1 bunch frisee lettuce
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 1 tbsp rice vinegar
4. 1/2 tbsp HONEY
5. 1 pear sliced thinly
6. 1/2 AVOCADO in bite-sized pieces
7. 1 lemon wedge
Step 1
Create the dressing by mixing the olive oil, lemon juice, rice wine vinegar, and honey.
Step 2
Rinse the frisee, cut off the stems, and chop coarsely into pieces you can stuff in your mouth. Throw in the pear and avocado. Toss it all with the dressing and hot damn do you have yourself a salad.
This is the perfect warm up for a hearty main like PORTOBELLO BORDELLO or DATEY CHICKEN CHA CHA.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, calivirgin, debonair, delicious, DIY, dressing, easy, food, frisee, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, lettuce, libido, naked, olive oil, pear, recipe, rice vinegar, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sleazy, so easy, so easy frisee salad, sophistication, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy, yuppie salad | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 