HUMMUNNA HUMMUNNA HUMMUS

March 26, 2015
Hummus = Hummer, simple as that

Hummus = Hummer, simple as that

Bing bang boom!  When you hear that sound, you know it’s on.  It’s pretty much on as soon as your date sees you make homemade hummus.  They will be puzzled at the simplicity, your mastery of the food blender, and this uncanny ability to serve them exactly what they want.  Don’t question the logic.  Go with it giving your most defiant stare of FUCK YEAH!  There’s no need to say anything.  The creamy, flavor-packed Middle Eastern condom-ment will say it for you.  Your date will innately understand that they have a goddamn legend-in-the-making on their hands and acquiesce to your most perverted demands.  See you in the Elysian Fields! Read the rest of this entry »


TEQUILA LIME RHYME TIME PASTA

March 23, 2015

Tequila = boozy floozies in a jacuzzis

Ever just start speaking in rhymes?
Happens at the most inconvenient times?
Dr. Seuss crawled down your throat?
Like someone’s always getting your goat?

Bust out some tangy lime and tequila
Your date is sure to touch and feel ya.
So rather than whine, bitch, and groan
Make pasta so good they will moan

I shall refrain from babbling all night
This rhyming even gives me a fright
Guys, don’t just play with your wang
Good forth, my friends, Cook To Bang!

Read the rest of this entry »


I HAVE A WET DREAM COLLARD GREENS

January 19, 2015

A great man had a dream of equality for all. His dream of race relations improving and opportunities open to all was noble and superhuman. The fact Martin Luther King, Jr. helped usher in a better world is beyond question. But don’t worry; here at Cook To Bang we aren’t kidding ourselves comparing the culinary seduction movement to the civil rights era. It is however a civil right to cook and bang freely. So I thank all those who came before that made this hedonism possible. See I had a dream too. My dream did not consist of me speaking to a crowd 100,000 deep at the Washington Memorial. I dreamt that my younger self and those similarly clueless would figure out that they did not have to go home alone while D-bags that look like extras from the Jersey Shore bang the beautiful. In this unfathomable dream, average guys and girls like me could use their charm and skills in the kitchen to enable us to show off our skills in the bedroom. Would MLK be proud with his love of collard greens? I’d like to think yes he would be. History will be the ultimate decider. Read the rest of this entry »


NEVER A BORSCHT IN THE SACK

December 17, 2014
Sexy commies gone vegan! Don't tell Stalin...

Sexy commies gone vegan! Don’t tell Stalin…

Hello, comrades!  I speak of course to the Russian women I have had the pleasure of.  There is something about that accent that brings up all my childhood Cold War fears and translates them into lust.  No doubt, their Soviet bloc childhoods taught them how to survive so they are as tough as they are hot.  Not a wilting flower in the bunch.  Banging someone tougher than you are can challenge your ego.  But I welcome the challenge since the payoff makes my babushka spin.  What better way to lure them in than the classic Russian dish, borscht?  This Commie red soup hits the spot and nourishes the people.  Even if your culinary conquest isn’t Russian, make them your comrade for the night.  I’m back in the USSR! Read the rest of this entry »


WILD & WETTY SQUASH SPAGHETTI

September 10, 2014
Get ready for some non-spaghetti in beddy!

Get ready for some non-spaghetti in beddy!

This one goes out to all the sexy singles marching blindly to Atkins’ carb-free tune.  Myself included. All this cooking and banging has put a hold on my underwear-modeling career. But only temporarily!  I’m coming back hotter and more in your face awesome than ever.  Healthy food is always the sexiest.  We’ll skip the carbohydrated pasta in favor of nature’s non-processed solution.  Spaghetti squash is an adventure of ingenuity and texture.  It takes to a pasta sauce like a hooker to a free bag of crack.  This simple sauté recipe should set you right.  But pesto would convince just as many of your dates to drop trow.  Now get roasting, my health-minded friends.  I’m hitting the gym to work on my glutes. Read the rest of this entry »


TANGY BANGY SHRIMP SCRAMBLE

May 14, 2014
Experimenting in the kitchen leads to experimenting in the bedroom.

Experimentation makes the world go round. Where would we be without Ben Franklin accidentally barbecuing himself with a kite? I approach cooking with the same punk rock philosophy. My instincts usually lead to success, but every once in a while I crash a burn. My culinary experiments usually take place behind closed doors, the windows drawn, and a former Mossad security team keeping out the paparazzi. I can’t have my cooking rep suffer should I create a black hole of shame in my kitchen. There were these peanut butter cookies I made without sugar that were so bad they will follow me to into grave and end up stuffed in my suit pocket. Every once in a while a new recipe needs to be attempted on the spot. This skeptical lawyer whose ass still looks banging under her pantsuit was concerned when she saw me peel a tangerine and shell shrimp. “You’re putting that in my eggs?” I calmed down this sexpot lawyer that dominates in the courtroom and bedroom by pouring coffee into one of my beloved PHOTO MUGS. She drank the java, then ate her words, and entire plate, even forking away one of my shrimp! my lawyer lover  ended up being late to her deposition because she subpoenaed me between the sheets. CTB 1 – LAW 0. Read the rest of this entry »


HUGE PRIK KING

May 7, 2014

What did one ball say to the other? "Who's the prik king in the middle?"

I know what they’ve been saying. All that negativity and name-calling! I can dismiss it as petty jealousy, a result of being this awesome. But even though you can interpret it as a compliment, it still hurts. You know? Packing heat is a blessing, but goddamn! Even the most gifted culinary Casanovas have feelings that get bruised when mean things are said. So what if someone calls me the Prik King? Clearly they are jealous of my royal status and largess of dowry. All the red curry and green beans in the world won’t change the fact that I am living the dream, while they can only dream. It’s a start. But why can’t we compromise? Perhaps the haters could learn from me instead and in turn use their new skills to create a better life. OR they can keep smack talking and in turn make me look even cooler and more dangerous to the opposite sex. Either way, I win. But there’s room for more winners on the podium. Read the rest of this entry »


IT’S SO FIG! SHRIMP

August 5, 2013

Fellas, say this when you serve it up, “Soy Senor Grande Magnifico!”

After you CTB for a while, you get immune to the awe-inspired praise. Deliver the two primal pleasures in large quantities and you will have them brainwashed. Wielding the culinary seduction skills of a wizard has its advantages. You are in control, literally dishing out doses of delight turns you into the banging equivalent of a crack dealer. Intense rushes of ìoohsî and ìahsî are dealt like vials of culinary crack on the playground. Your chosen playpal(s) will be unable to resist you whenever you lead them by the hand into your kitchen. Culinary crack hos they will soon become. This aphrodisiac triple-threat is the perfect first taste that will leave them begging for their next fix. Read the rest of this entry »


FINE AS HELL BELL PEPPER SOUP

January 2, 2012
With this soup, you'll always say, "Check mate!"

With this soup, you’ll always say, “Check mate!”

You are looking oh so fine!
I’ll warm you up and make you mine,
Ignore these less than stellar rhymes,
Just say yes to a little wine and dine!

Your creamy texture makes me yell,
I get all bent for your spicy smell,
Orgasms peak at the dinner bell,
Making the pious say, “What the hell?”

You make a player from a leper
A cocky bastard from a half-stepper
I collect coin with every endeavor
Cause you’re my little bell pepper.

rep pepper soup prepTotal time: approximately 80 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: LECHEROUS LEPRECHAUN

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ tsp of CAYENNE PEPPER
2. ½ tsp of cumin
3. 1 can of chicken stock (veg for vegan)
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. Black pepper to taste
7. ½ tsp of garlic salt
8. 3 red bell peppers
9. 1 onion chopped coarsely

Step 1
Roast the bell peppers in the oven at 400 degrees F until the skin blackens (approx 45 min).  Remove from oven and throw them in a sealed bag.  Refrigerate until they cool (approx 15 min), remove the skin and chop coarsely.rep pepper soup roast

Step 2
While awaiting the peppers to cool, sauté the onions with the olive oil on medium heat.  Add the garlic salt, cayenne pepper and cumin and cook in the flavor (approx 5 min).  Add the red bell peppers and the black pepper and let them soak up some taste (approx 2 min).rep pepper soup saute

Step 3
Pour in the stock, bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer closed until the veggies soften (approx 15 min).  Puree the madness and then add the coconut milk and stir thoroughly.rep pepper soup simmer pureerep pepper soup served 2

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TWICE BANGED POTATOES

November 16, 2011
Because banging once is never enough!

Because banging once is never enough!

Why bang once when you can bang twice or thrice and on and on?  The first banging session is a warm up, a mulligan if you will.  Sure it’s like the first ascent of a famed mountain peak, but sometimes you are too exhausted to really take in the view.  Now that you’re onto round two you can savor it.  You’ve been here before, so you are appreciating new aspects like the pubic foliage.  I hope that the arduous journey (cooking) was worth the destination (banging).  It would have to be if you are coming back for a sequel.  If Godfather II, Empire Strikes Back and Evil Dead 2 taught us anything, it’s that the second time can be sweeter than the first.  So warm that shit back up for late night spooning. Read the rest of this entry »