October 6, 2009
Stuffing your talkative guest's mouth is a Brie-liant move!
Are they still talking? Sheesh! You haven’t said a word in the last five minutes. Don’t they need to breathe at some point? I’ve spent long periods of time with ramblers who keep blabbering about topics I stopped commenting on hours ago. Being crazy passionate about something is sexy, but at a certain point you should hand the conch off to someone else to talk. This rambling generally occurs after a night of unscrupulous dalliances when you are ready to sleep soundly. You banged someone physically hot enough, but mentally a little on the dim side. Don’t worry for they will eventually get the hint when the sound of your snoring pierces their conversation bubble. But sure as the sun rises, the ramble train will keep rolling come morning. You’re best stuff something into that mouth stat. You can go many different routes, many of which are perverted, kinky or slightly illegal. But in this case, try filling those unwavering noise boxes with some delicious food. At least the conversation will move towards the topic of food, your food. At that point you can steer the conversation from your food to your bed.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil*
2. 2 bacon strips (*if using turkey or veggie bacon)
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
6, 4 eggs
7. 2 handfuls sliced mushrooms
8. I small handful of Brie chunks
Step 1
Crack the eggs, salt and pepper them, and then beat vigorously.
Step 2
Cut the bacon up into small slices and fry them until they brown. Add olive oil if you need and then sauté the mushrooms until they soften (approx 3 min)
Step 3
Add the egg mixture and scramble them dry (approx 3 min). Turn off the heat, toss the Brie pieces on top of the eggs, and then cover with a lid, letting the trapped heat melt the cheese.
Serve up with some BED & BREAKFAST POTATOES or SWEET ASS-BROWNS.
1 Comment | 
french, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bacon, bang, banging, black pepper, breakfast, brie, cheese, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, illegal, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, morning, mushrooms, naked, noise box, olive oil, passionate, perverted, ramblin’ man, Rambling, recipe, salt, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sheesh, shroom, snoring, tasty, unscrupulous, yummy | 
Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 3, 2009
Pity Party table for one?
No, it’s not your pity party and you can’t cry if you want unless you like public ridicule. So you struck out last night. In spite of your best efforts to woo, you still slept alone last night. Don’t be so mopey. It happens to all of us. A little slump now and again will make you appreciate your mojo all the more. Still, you deserve a little romance. We all deserve to feel special. In sexual bear markets, cook to bang yourself. You know that at least you will put out to you. Cook yourself a fine ass breakfast after a passionate night with that sexy bastard in the mirror. Who loves you?
Total time: approximately 6 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 large pita
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 3 eggs
6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful feta cheese
8. 1 small handful chopped parsley
9. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
10. 1 onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Beat the eggs with salt, pepper and parsley.
Step 2
Sauté the onion in olive oil (approx 2 min). Dump the eggs into the pan and scramble (approx 3 min), crowning it with the feta cheese.
Step 3
Split the pita in half and open up the middle. Stuff half the eggs into each, followed by the tomato and avocado.
Serve these with a side of SALSA if you’re feeling a little caliente.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, greek, healthy, Middle Eastern, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bear market, breakfast, cry if I want to, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, masturbation, mojo, morning, naked, pita breakfast sandwich, pity party pita breakfast recipe, recipe, romance, seduce, SEDUCTION, self pity, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 27, 2009
Cook To Bang is coming at you with the breakfast re-re-re-re-re-remix!
A good COOK TO BANG groove deserves to be remixed. In the age of recycling chic, why wouldn’t you turn one outstanding meal into another equally memorable meal? Think of this thriftiness the way you would an old lover who used to be an overweight hippie harlot and now is a svelte yummy yuppie. Sure there is some familiarity when you bang them again, but for the most part it’s like banging someone completely fresh and new. Salad is like a condom; it doesn’t keep long after it’s been opened. So you need to be fast with reconfiguring the leftovers before they become a pathetic pile of wilted goop. Breakfast seems the most appropriate and expedited opportunity for you to bring leftover salad back to life like Frankenstein’s monster. Mix it up with bagel, eggs and sauce and IT’S ALIVE!!!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tbsp of Pindjur (Turkish roasted red pepper spread)
2. 1 tbsp olive oil
3. Leftover salad
4. 1 dash salt
5. 1 dash pepper
6. 2 eggs
7. 1 bagel
8. ½ onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Beat the eggs with salt and pepper.
Step 2
Sauté the onion with olive oil. Pick all the goodies from your salad (e.g. tomatoes, olives, radish, etc.) and sauté them as well. Pour in the egg mixture and scramble your little heart out.
Step 3
Cut the bagel in ½ and toast. Scoop the Pindjur on the bagel, scoop on some scrambled eggs and throw the lettuce from the salad on top.
Serve up this breakfast salad sandwich in bed to your good morning companion.
1 Comment | fusion, healthy, Middle Eastern, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bagel, bang, banging, breakfast, Breakfast salad sinwich remix, condom, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, Frankenstein, game changer, get laid, gourmet, groove, guarantee, hippie harlot, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leftovers, libido, MORNING WOOD, naked, olive oil, onion, pepper, pindjur, recipe, remix, salad, salt, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, svelte, tasty, thriftiness, toast, yummy, yummy yuppie | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 19, 2009
Hard to the Soft-Core!
A naysayer would say all porn is smut. They wouldn’t distinguish between hardcore and soft-core porn. The nuances are missed. Soft and hardcore each have their time and place and both share a clear business plan. How many big corporations can so clearly define their prime directive? I am all for a little soft-core with its sweet, half-baked romances that lead to tedious T&A on satin sheets without revealing anything more than the viewer’s frustration. And hardcore certainly has inspired some adventures unmentionable anywhere but a confession booth (sorry, Father O’Hanrahan). But choosing between soft-core and hardcore eggs, I prefer soft. The ooey gooey soft-boiled yolk reminds me of simpler times when all I needed was Skinemax to get me through desperate times in high school. But being an adult does have some perks. I can choose between soft and sticky or the hard and icky. Breakfast…it’s all about choices.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: A NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI or a SMOOTHEE OPERATOR
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Salt to taste
2. Pepper to taste
3. ½ an avocado sliced thinly
4. 2 eggs
5. 2 slices of bread
6. Butter for two pieces of toast
Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a roaring boil. Add the two eggs and boil for 5 minutes, then place them in a bowl of cold water to cool, before placing an egg in a shot glass (or other small container).
Step 2
Toast the two slices of bread, spread butter on them, and then quarter the toast. Crown each quarter with a slice of avocado and set them on a plate surrounding each egg as if it were a god.
Step 3
Use the side of a spoon to whack around the edges of each egg, and then remove the shell top. Add a pinch of salt and your desired amount of pepper on each egg and serve immediately.
Leave a Comment » | healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: avocado, bang, bread, breakfast, butter, choices, confession, delicious, DIY, easy, easy to clean up, egg, egg dish, eggs, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hardcore, healthy, homemade, intercourse, juevo, kitchen, light, morning, naked, pepper, porn, quick, recipe, romance, salt, satin sheets, seduce, sex, Skinemax, soft-boiled, Soft-boiled egg recipe, soft-core, T&A, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 15, 2008
- Hola, amigos. Breakfast burritos makes your game grow.
The breakfast burrito is amazingly versatile in its ease to make and ability to please. The only ingredients you absolutely need are eggs, tortilla and hot sauce. But the more sexy ingredients you can add, the greater the meal. Be bold, be imaginative, be victorious! Below is a recipe based on what was in my fridge at the moment. My date had no complaints since she downed the burrito in three large bites then dragged me by the hand back to bed. Much praise for the people of Mexico and their culinary masterpiece. Mornings have never been so easy. Ole!
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Orange juice or beer if it’s one of those mornings
Ingredients (for two burrito):
1. 2 tortillas
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. 1 tablespoon olive oil
4. Hot sauce (chef’s choice)
5. 1 sausage link cut into thin strips
6. ½ a jalapeño diced
7. 3 eggs
8. 1 handful chopped cilantro
9. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
10. 1 handful jack or mozzarella cheese
11. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
12. 2 handfuls of fresh, washed spinach
Step 1
Cook the sausage strips in a pan on medium heat without oil until they brown, set aside. Beat the eggs with cilantro and salt. Turn your oven to the lowest setting (about 150 degrees F) and warm up your tortillas.
Step 2
On medium heat, heat the olive oil into a pan and cook the green onions for 1 minute. Throw in the spinach and cook until it wilts. Pour in the egg mixture and scramble it until it is still moist but not runny. Turn off the heat, throw the cheese over the eggs and cover with a lid so the cheese melts.
Step 3
Remove the tortillas from the oven and place on separate plates. Drop half the sausage into each, and then place eggs into each pocket. Crown each burrito with tomatoes and hot sauce before rolling it up tight. Serve with orange juice or beer if you’re nursing a hangover.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, breakfast, breakfast burrito, burrito, delicious, easy, eggs, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeño, kinky, kitchen, mexican, morning, mozzarella, naked, post-coital, romance, sausage, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy, spinach, tortilla | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 10, 2008
- Slam that bed frame like you’ll Grand Slam your post-coital breakfast
Good god was last night off the chain. And this morning hasn’t exactly been a solemn day of Sunday school or the Sabbath either. Atonement is not an option, but chowing down is. Naturally after a long and fruitful roll in the hay you have both developed quite the appetite. You require the sustenance of protein and carbohydrates to keep you popping and locking into the afternoon. All hail eggs and their natural brain and libido boost! Scramble some of these bad boys up with some choice aphrodisi-tastic ingredients and you have yourself a full recharge. You may having a hard time choosing between this sandwich and your date’s naked body, but know in your heart of hearts that a patient chef can have both. Now hurry up and finish this dish! Your bed frame has an appointment with the wall and you have neighbors to disturb.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost for ingredients: $6
Drinking Buddy: Orange juice or mimosas if you’re feeling saucy
Ingredients (per sandwich):
1. 1 teaspoon of salt (if desired)
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ tablespoon of mayonnaise
4. 1 small baguette
5. ½ an avocado
6. 1 slice of cheddar cheese
7. 3 pieces of bacon (turkey or veggie bacon cool)
8. 2 eggs
9. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
10. ½ handful of mushrooms
11. 1 handful of lettuce
12. ½ a tomato sliced
Step 1
Fry the bacon and set aside. Throw in the olive oil and grill up the mushrooms.
Step 2
Mix the eggs and green onions in a bowl, adding salt if desired. Pour the mixture over the mushroom and scramble as if your lover’s husband or wife just walked into the house. Crown the eggs with cheddar cheese and allow it to melt like the hearts of the opposite sex.
Step 3
Spread the mayonnaise on the top side of the split baguette. Place the bacon, lettuce, tomato and avocado into the bread’s open mouth. Finally stuff the eggs in, cut the sandwich in half and serve it to your date in bed before round 3. Hot sauce can throw a tasty curveball your way.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bacon, baguette, bang, breakfast, breakfast in bed, breakfast sandwich, cheddar, cheese, delicious, easy, eggs, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet egg sandwich, green onions, guarantee, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, lettuce, mushrooms, naked, post-coital, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, sinful, tomato | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 8, 2008
- This hearty Italian classic will make anyone sing falsetto. Ave Maria, baby!
“Ave Maria!” you sing from the plaza of the Italian village. Your intended conquest comes out onto the balcony to gaze down at the lust in your eyes. You continue with your falsetto, beckoning your lovely to join you for a magnificent meal that will knock their socks and knickers off. They will smell the slow cooked perfection of this hearty, meaty dish from the “old country” and naturally follow you like a lemming on its way to an orgy. This is the power of great Italian food. The Italians pay such keen attention to the details whether it’s their fine tailored clothes or renowned culinary creations. Why should you treat the food any differently? You may or may not be Italian, but that doesn’t mean you should boil spaghetti and cover it with sauce from a jar. Cooking without passion is like banging without an orgasm. There is really no point. Don’t waste your date’s time or your charm on forgettable food. This dish is guaranteed to spice up your night. COOK TO BANG is not responsible should your lover scream aloud, “Mama Mia!”
Total time: approximately 1-3 hours depending on level of perfection desired
Projected cost for ingredients: $15 (still cheaper than a restaurant, many ingredients will last many more meals, and there will be leftovers)
Ingredients:
1. ½ cup of red wine
2. 1 tablespoon of salt
3. 1 28oz. can of crushed tomatoes
4. 1 tablespoon of crushed red pepper flakes
5. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
6. ½ cup of heavy cream (optional)
7. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey
8. 2 pork or chicken sausage links chopped into bite-sized pieces
9. Parmesan cheese
10. 2 handfuls of thinly sliced mushrooms
11. 2 carrots peels and shredded
12. 5 celery stalks chopped
13. 1 red onion minced
14. 1 pound pack of spaghetti
15. 5 garlic cloves minced
Step 1
Turn the stove on to medium heat. Heat the olive oil in a large stockpot and throw in the garlic and onions and cook until they are translucent. Throw in the mushrooms, carrots and celery and cook the veggies down, adding the crushed red pepper flakes for spice (adjust to your preference: ½ tablespoon = snore, 2 tablespoons = hot damn!).
Step 2
Add the ground meat and sausage to the stockpot, mix it up with the veggies and cook until the meat turns grey. Pour in the red wine and cook until the liquid dissolves.
Step 3
Boil water in a separate pot and cook the spaghetti al dente.
Step 4
Pour the crushed tomatoes into the stockpot with the veggies and meat and mix together thoroughly. Bring it all to a boil, then turn the heat down to its lowest setting and cook for 1-2 hours, occasionally stirring or adding water when sauce becomes too thick. If desired, stir in the heavy cream a few minutes before you are ready to eat and allow the sauce to thicken. Now serve the sauce over spaghetti with garlic bread and a bottle or red wine. Sing falsetto as you present the food if possible.
Leave a Comment » | asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, italian, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, carrot, celery, classic, classy, delicious, dinner, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, ground beef, guarantee, hearty, intercourse, italian, kinky, kitchen, meat sauce, meaty, naked, onion, pasta, red pepper flakes, romance, sausage, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, spaghetti bolognese, spicy, tomato, turkey | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 27, 2008
Break me off some of that morning delight
You don’t often hear people lamenting a lack of carbohydrates in their diet. That mean old Dr. Atkins scared people off from the potato, a respectable source or sustenance that kept the Irish alive through the worst of times. The tater and his friend the loaf of bread hid out in the attic away from the anti-carb Gestapo. The bread and potato would surely have joined their “fattening counterparts” in the trash had they not been convinced they aren’t solely responsible for making people fat. Luckily science has proved carbs innocent since good health requires balance, not extreme diets driven by fear. Potatoes are once again en vogue so I suggest you grab yourself some bounties of the soil. This simple method will allow you plenty of time to cook some eggs or just grope your date. The smell of the roasting potatoes will be too enticing for them to resist.
Ingredients:
1. 1 potato cut into bite-sized pieces
2. 1 onion chopped coarsely
3. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
4. Rosemary (fresh if possible)
5. 4 garlic cloves diced
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 300 degrees F. Arrange the potatoes, onions, garlic evenly around a pan. Crown it all with rosemary, then add the olive oil, and salt to taste. 
Step 2
Cook the potato and friends for 25-30 minutes. You will know they are done when the potatoes have softened and can be easily pierced with a fork. Serve it up to accompany an awesome scramble, compliment a breakfast burrito or throw it at the cult members going door to door trying to convert people on their Saturday mornings.
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, breakfast, breakfast burrito, Breakfast potatoes, carbs, cilantro, compliments, delicious, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, naked, onion, onions, potatoes, protein, roast, romance, rosemary, rosemary potatoes, SEDUCTION, set and forget, sex, side dish, simple, sinful, taters | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 26, 2008
Rambling, gambling and scrambling for a little sexy time.
Did the date go better than expected? Has it already been a long morning already with the third round of coed naked Wrestle Mania? You both must be famished and deserve a worthy recharge. Protein and veggies should get you back on track for the afternoon of blowing of errands to go for gold in the one-hour orgasm. Scrambles combine the flavor of the omelet with the simplicity of a boring side of scrambled eggs. It’s chef’s choice in what to toss in the pan with the eggs. There are as many possible combinations of veggies, meats, cheeses and flavor as sexual positions in that perverted mind of yours. Below is essentially a killer combo available in my fridge at the time of creation. My ravenous breakfast companion would have settled for a Pop Tart. But why would I allow such a beautiful beggar to settle for anything less than an edible orgasm?
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 teaspoon of salt
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 chicken sausage chopped in bite-size pieces
4. 3 eggs
5. 2 handfuls of spinach
6. 6 ½ a red bell pepper diced
7. 1 handful of shredded mozzarella cheese
8. 2 green onions diced
9. ½ a handful of cilantro chopped finely
Step 1
Crack the eggs in a bowl, thrown in the salt and the cilantro and beat together.
Step 2
Throw the olive oil in a pan and sauté the green onions and sausage on medium heat until they brown. Add the spinach and red peppers, cooking until the spinach wilts and peppers soften.
Step 3
Pour in the eggs mixture over the sausage and veggies evenly so it creates a circular pancake. Once the eggs harden, mix it all around until cook thoroughly.
Step 4
Turn off the heat, toss the mozzarella over the eggs, and cover with a lid. Give the cheese a minute or so to melt and serve it up with some breakfast potatoes, fruit salad, or the warm embrace of a tortilla.
1 Comment | MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, breakfast, cheese, cilantro, delicious, easy, Egg scramble, eggs, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, melt, MORNING WOOD, mozzarella, naked, protein, red pepper, romance, sausage, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 22, 2008
Tickle their toast from coast to coast
The French have given Americans so much: the Statue of Liberty, tongue kissing and more varieties of food than positions in the Kama Sutra. Those beret-wearing frogs sure know how to live. They believe in embracing the finer things in life like food (including wine), art (porn counts) and sex (ménage a trios anyone?). Merci beaucoup, my French friends! Breakfast is whole lot sexier thanks to those wine-guzzling hedonists. So embrace the meal after you’re done embracing the lucky lady or man who slept over. Surprise them with this outstanding good morning treat wearing nothing more than an apron and a kinky smile. Bonus points if you use a French accent when you serve up this gourmet take on a classic breakfast dish. Ooh la la!
Ingredients (for two, two toasts each):
1. ½ cup if milk
2. Maple or breakfast syrup
3. 2 tablespoons of jam
4. 2 teaspoons of cinnamon
5. 2 eggs
6. 2 tablespoons of cream cheese
7. Butter to grease pan and serve a top the meal
8. 4 slices of Texas toast or other thick bread slices
Step 1
Cut a slice diagonally across the bread. Fill each slice with a ½ tablespoon of cream cheese, then a ½ tablespoon of jam.
Step 2
Pour the milk and crack the eggs into a wide bowl. Toss in the cinnamon and mix it all into a batter. Dip each piece of prepared bread in the bowl, and then dip again on the other side so they absorb some batter. Be sure not to leave it soaking too long or you’ll end up with flaccid French toast.
Step 3
Grease the frying pan or griddle with some butter. Throw each piece of stuffed, dipped bread and grill them up. Cook each side about 3 minutes before flipping. They will be browned, with perhaps a tiny black. Serve on a plate with a slice of butter, syrup and perhaps a proclamation of undying love.
1 Comment | MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, bread, breakfast, butter, cinnamon, classic, delicious, easy, eggs, France, French tickler, French toast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, milk, morning, naked, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, syrup | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 