February 3, 2014
Feeling melty yet? Give it time and you will melt right into the bed sheets
Inhibitions can be a raging bitch. They always seem to get in the way of a night of blissful mistakes. It’s like that annoying friend of the one you’re sweet on intent on preventing you from vanishing to do what is best accomplished behind. Troublesome as inhibitions may be, there’s a way to make them melt faster than a popsicle in a Bangkok sex show. It’s so simple and obvious. Disarm them with a delectable, easy to make like a BLT covered in melty cheese. Whether their fugly friend is literal or the metaphor for their unwillingness to throw their conservative values out the window, give them something fun, familiar, yet fantstic to indulge in and familiarity is sure to follow. Familiarity = comfort that dissolves inhibitions and results in getting naked. I’m glad we had this talk. Now go out and melt melt MELT the shit out of those inhibitions! Read the rest of this entry »
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RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: bacon, bang, banging, Bangkok, bitch, blt melt away inhibitions recipe, BLT melt recipe, broil, cheddar, conservative values, delectable, delicious, DIY, easy, familiarlity, food, fugly, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, inhibition, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, libido, mayonnaise, mozzarella, naked, platter, popsicle, recipe, sandwich, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sex show, sinwich, sourdough bread, sun dried tomatoes, tasty, tomato, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
September 16, 2013
Wrap it, wrap it, WRAP IT up tight!
Culinary seduction is a delicate dance. One can never seem too eager or lackadaisical. Walk the tightrope. It’s all about putting as much passion into your cooking as you do into your banging. Like in the sack, you want them begging for more of your food. This can yield repeat visits from a sex kitten or wild stallion. They might just tell their friends about the hottest night of their adult life, your future CTB candidates. There is no better publicity than an outstanding performance. Hence, this fine dish. It all started while I was house-sitting a family friend’s home in Key West. I took a booze cruise along the Florida Bay where I met a college girl staying with her eccentric aunt. We laughed and drank and were both ravenous when we stepped off the SS Drunken Fools. I bought freshly shucked jumbo scallops from a fisherman on the docks and lured her to my abode with promises of the “best meal ever”. When I got to the pad I found a fridge loaded with only condiments and frozen bacon in the freezer. Desperation leads to innovation and in this case fornication. The bacon was crisp, the scallops succulent, the flavor in full effect. After eating my food, this college girl was down for just about anything. She did in fact beg for more and more and more. Only a cold-hearted bastard would deny her. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bacon, Bacon wrapped scallop recipe, bacon wrapped scallops, bang, booze cruise, college girl, crushed red pepper, delicious, easy, fisherman, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, jumbo scallops, kitchen, lime, mayonnaise, naked, recipe, romance, salt, scallops, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, southern, succulent, sun dried tomato, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 23, 2013
AKA Brie Bacon Lettuce Tomato Sandwich
Don’t let the BBW reference scare you. This sandwich is lean, mean and totally obscene. Just the way you like it. Here at CTB, we strive to make gourmet food accessible for the masses in DIY fashion. But sometimes we do you one better, and I’m not just talking about when candles are lit after a bottle of wine. Occasionally we take a simple classic dish and load it with sexy pretension. Sure you could make a BLT – Boring Lame Tired sandwich. But that will be as memorable as a premature ejaculator. You need to treat a sandwich like you would a well-planned yet nonchalant seduction. Bring on the Brie cheese! Allow the delicate flavors of France to remake this American classic. Now claim this sandwich to be your own design and accept the praise and sexual healing that will follow. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | french, fusion, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: American, bacon, bang, banging, bblt recipe, bbw, big beautiful lady tamer sinwich, boring lame tired, brie bacon lettuce tomato sandwich recipe, brie cheese, cherry tomatoes, delicious, DIY, easy, food, french, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet blt recipe, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, libido, lunch, mayonnaise, naked, nonchalant, premature ejaculator, recipe, sandwich, seduce, sex, sourdough bread, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 31, 2011
Eat enough of this salad and you'll be like Popeye, banging Olive Oil until Wimpy hits you up for more burger money.
The object to any CTB meal is to wow your date into submitting to your carnal cravings. Their heads’ gotta spin like a GI Joe helicoptering after you twist him around until the rubber band almost snaps. Serve something forgettable, and you can forget any extracurricular activities. I don’t even waste my time with anything that might as well have been nuked from a Hungry Man Dinner. You shouldn’t either unless you prefer servicing yourself rather than have a smoking hot bombshell do it for you. Take this spinach salad. Sure I could have assembled a pre-made package in the time it would take to prematurely ejaculate (at least you’d get off). But a spinach salad that tastes like an angel floated down, fed you, and then gave you a reach around is more my speed. I wager those of you who enjoy similar celestial satisfaction will agree. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: angelic, angels, bacon, bang, banging, black pepper, bombshell, carnal cravings, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, feta cheese, food, game changer, get laid, gi joe, gourmet, greens, guarantee, healthy, helicopter, homemade, hungry man dinner, intercourse, kitchen, libido, makes head spinach salad, memorable, microwave, mushrooms, naked, premature ejaculation, recipe, rogerings, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach salad recipe, tasty, toss your salad, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 16, 2011
Leave 'em beggin' for bacon
In the immortal words of lady hip hop divas TLC, “I ain’t too proud to beg!” Good to know. Because that is the attitude you should inspire in your dates. The most effective way to do that is to blow their goddamn minds with mind-blowing nibbles. Between good eats and being a great lay, you will brainwash them. They will be begging you for another taste. It’s like a harem full of opium addicts. Only your fix will give them the satisfaction they require. Wrap it up tight in meaty goodness. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, bacon, bacon-wrapped shrimp recipe, bang, banging, beggin’ wrapped shrimp, begging, brainwash, delicious, DIY, easy, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, harem, homemade, honey, I ain’t too proud to beg, intercourse, jumbo shrimp, kitchen, libido, naked, nibble, opium addicts, recipe, sea salt, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, tapas, tasty, tlc, turkey, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 4, 2010
Where's the beef? Check my pantaloons.
This final edition in the 2010 CTB Recipe Challenge comes from Karin in Ft. Collins, CO. Here’s to bringing on the foux da fafa French connection. Karin writes:
I satisfy my man with a hearty meal and with his pleasure fulfilled I can be pleased in return. This recipe may seem daunting but believe me it is well worth the foreplay. With the right prep the ‘oven’ does the majority of the work and gives the strength the to keeps everything up all night long and keep the au jus flowing. This recipe is surely is femme fatale. Ooh la la! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | beef, french, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: au jus, bacon, bang, banging, bay leaf, beef bangin’on recipe, beef bourguignon recipe, black pepper, blanch, calivirgin, carrots, Colorado, contest entry, delicious, DIY, easy, femme fatale, flour, food, foreplay, foux da fafa, France, french, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Karin, kitchen, libido, ménage a trios, mushrooms, naked, olive oil, onions, protein, recipe, recipe challenge, red meat, red wine, rich, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slow cook, stewing beef, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 5, 2010
Wrap it right, wrap it tight.
A fine ass like that deserves to be wrapped up in life’s fineries. Exalt that perfect behind with the TLC it deserves. At least that’s how I approach the perfect booty. Damn close to worship. I show it a good time, probably a better time than the body and mind attached. One surefire method to be hospitable to said ass is to wrap up the asparagus aphrodisiac amazingness with meaty magic. Roll roll, drip drip, sizzle sizzle, mmm mmm! They’re so good your collective lusts may win out over your hunger for the rest of dinner.
Total time: 7 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking buddy: Pinot Noir or Pinot Gris
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 8 ASPARAGUS spears
2. 8 strips bacon (piggy, turkey, or veggie)
3. 2 dashes salt
4. 1 lemon wedge
Step 1
First wash the asparagus and cut 1 inch off the bottoms. Wrap the asparagus in bacon at an angle tightly. Salt as you wish.
Step 2
Warm up the griddle or pan on medium heat. Throw the bacon-wrapped asparagus in and cook, squeezing the lemon juice over as the bacon starts to sizzle. Cook until the down side of the asparagus browns (approx 3 min) before rolling them over. Salt the other side and cook the other side until it browns (approx 2 min).
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, asparagus, ass, atkins diet, bacon, bacon wrapped asparagus recipe, bang, banging, booty, delicious, DIY, easy, fineries, finger food, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hospitable, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, lust, naked, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sizzle, tasty, tlc, wrap, wrap that ass-paragus, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 25, 2010
Friends don't let friends fake orgasms.
Ladies, there are few things more humiliating than you faking an orgasm. It’s like being told that Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and Easter Bunny are all imaginary, but compound that with dismissing your entire shoe collection as wiggety whack. Cruel and unusual. I suppose if you are going to fake it, be convincing like an Oscar-winning actor pretending to have OCD. Granted, many dudes’ performances are hardly worthy of a golf-clap, let alone giving yourself laryngitis screaming his name while you dig nails in their back. Lucky for all parties involved, there’s a salad that should make the need to fake an O obsolete. Bacon is something that even vegans can agree is totally awesome. Crispy, meaty, and freaky. A simple salad that wouldn’t even be worthy of Gordon Ramsay deeming demanding you remove the gum from his A. Testoni loafers can suddenly become a contender. Be bold with your bacon and quit that fakin’!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: MAIL ORDER WHITE RUSSIAN BRIDE
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 massive handfuls field greens
2. 1 tbsp maple syrup
3. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 4 strips bacon (piggie, turkey, or veggie)
5. 2 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. Queso fresco
Step 1
Fry the bacon nice and crispy, and then cut in strips.
Step 2
Create the dressing by combining the maple syrup and olive oil. Combine the field greens, tomatoes, bacons strips, crumbled queso fresco, and toss with the dressing.
Leave a Comment » | LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: a. testoni loafers, bacon, bang, banging, calivirgin, delicious, DIY, easter bunny, easy, fake orgasm, field greens, food, game changer, get laid, golf-clap, Gordon ramsay, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, laryngitis, libido, maple bacon salad recipe, maple syrup, meat, naked, no orgasm fakin’ bacon salad, ocd, olive oil, oscar-winning actor, queso fresco, recipe, santa clause, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomatoes, tooth fairy, wiggety whack, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 18, 2009
Breakfast totally gets me hard
Breakfast just gets my juices flowing if you catch my drift. And it’s not just because of morning wood. Eating something delicious and nourishing in the cold, dark hours of a new day puts in a good place. It’s not unlike morning sex. The combination of the two sends me to work with a bounce in my step that no micromanaging boss could take away. So when captain douche bag stops by your cubicle to ask how that report is coming along, you can look them in the eye, smile and say, “I’m right on top of that.” What you’re really thinking is, “I spent my morning humping, pumping and then munching, so suck it, boss man.” Now get on with your day because you have a night of cooking and banging to look forward to while your boss will go home to cry into a bowl of soggy Cheerios.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Free squeezed OJ or NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash paprika
2. 1 dash garlic salt
3. 2 massive handfuls chard
4. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
5. 4 eggs
6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 2 bacon strips
Step 1
Chop the bacon into nibbles. Wash the chard and chop.
Step 2
Beat the eggs with garlic salt and paprika.
Step 3
Fry the bacon in the olive oil until crispy. Throw in the chard and cook down (approx 2 min). pour in the eggs and ever so slowly scramble so they form in slabs of eggy goodness. Top it off avocado slices and prepare for liftoff.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bacon, bang, banging, boss, breakfast, calivirgin, chard, chard on eggs recipe, chard scrambled eggs, cheerios, cubicle, delicious, DIY, douche bag, easy, eggs, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, low fat, micromanaging, morning sex, MORNING WOOD, naked, nourishing, olive oil, paprika, recipe, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 6, 2009
Stuffing your talkative guest's mouth is a Brie-liant move!
Are they still talking? Sheesh! You haven’t said a word in the last five minutes. Don’t they need to breathe at some point? I’ve spent long periods of time with ramblers who keep blabbering about topics I stopped commenting on hours ago. Being crazy passionate about something is sexy, but at a certain point you should hand the conch off to someone else to talk. This rambling generally occurs after a night of unscrupulous dalliances when you are ready to sleep soundly. You banged someone physically hot enough, but mentally a little on the dim side. Don’t worry for they will eventually get the hint when the sound of your snoring pierces their conversation bubble. But sure as the sun rises, the ramble train will keep rolling come morning. You’re best stuff something into that mouth stat. You can go many different routes, many of which are perverted, kinky or slightly illegal. But in this case, try filling those unwavering noise boxes with some delicious food. At least the conversation will move towards the topic of food, your food. At that point you can steer the conversation from your food to your bed.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp olive oil*
2. 2 bacon strips (*if using turkey or veggie bacon)
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
6, 4 eggs
7. 2 handfuls sliced mushrooms
8. I small handful of Brie chunks
Step 1
Crack the eggs, salt and pepper them, and then beat vigorously.
Step 2
Cut the bacon up into small slices and fry them until they brown. Add olive oil if you need and then sauté the mushrooms until they soften (approx 3 min)
Step 3
Add the egg mixture and scramble them dry (approx 3 min). Turn off the heat, toss the Brie pieces on top of the eggs, and then cover with a lid, letting the trapped heat melt the cheese.
Serve up with some BED & BREAKFAST POTATOES or SWEET ASS-BROWNS.
1 Comment | french, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bacon, bang, banging, black pepper, breakfast, brie, cheese, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, illegal, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, morning, mushrooms, naked, noise box, olive oil, passionate, perverted, ramblin’ man, Rambling, recipe, salt, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sheesh, shroom, snoring, tasty, unscrupulous, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 