March 8, 2010
This post brought to you unofficially by Planned Parenthood. "Got condoms? You god damn right!"
CTB is all about promoting responsibility in our depravity. Sure we cook and bang with reckless abandon, but never at the cost our health or our playthings’. I don’t mean this to sound like an after school special PSA with a crack addicted pregnant teenager fighting for the final spot on the cheerleading squad. But you should wrap that shit up before spelunking. That way you can bang from here to eternity. It’d be a damn shame to cut your CTB career so short. So how about getting some practice with this phallic dish? It’s win win: guys will become more mindful of the need to practice safe sex. Ladies will have a fine visual aid that can lead their minds to the dirty place. Now start wrapping before you start stuffing.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: KINKY PINKY LADY
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 9 large intact spinach leaves
3. 1 tbsp HONEY
4. 3 sausages (piggie or poultry)
5. 1 handful shredded mozzarella
6. 1/2 mango
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Peel away the mango skin and cut long thin slices. Split the sausage, leaving one side intact. Stuff the sausage with mango, mozzarella, and honey. Cut the stems away from the spinach and wrap the sausages, pinning the leaves with toothpicks.
Step 2
Drizzle a small baking pan with oil, rubbing it all in. Lay out the wrapped sausages evenly and throw in the oven. Bake until the spinach because crispy and the mozzarella melts (approx 25 min). Remove the toothpicks before serving.
Leave a Comment » | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, calivirgin, cheerleading squad, condoms, crack-addicted, ctb, delicious, depravity, DIY, easy, finger food, food, foreplay, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mango, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, phallic, pregnant teenager, psa, recipe, reckless abandon, responsibility, safe sex, sausage, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach, spinach wrapped stuffed sausage, stuffed sausage recipe, tasty, win-win, wrap that shit up, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
February 25, 2010
Friends don't let friends fake orgasms.
Ladies, there are few things more humiliating than you faking an orgasm. It’s like being told that Santa Clause, the Tooth Fairy, and Easter Bunny are all imaginary, but compound that with dismissing your entire shoe collection as wiggety whack. Cruel and unusual. I suppose if you are going to fake it, be convincing like an Oscar-winning actor pretending to have OCD. Granted, many dudes’ performances are hardly worthy of a golf-clap, let alone giving yourself laryngitis screaming his name while you dig nails in their back. Lucky for all parties involved, there’s a salad that should make the need to fake an O obsolete. Bacon is something that even vegans can agree is totally awesome. Crispy, meaty, and freaky. A simple salad that wouldn’t even be worthy of Gordon Ramsay deeming demanding you remove the gum from his A. Testoni loafers can suddenly become a contender. Be bold with your bacon and quit that fakin’!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: MAIL ORDER WHITE RUSSIAN BRIDE
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 massive handfuls field greens
2. 1 tbsp maple syrup
3. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 4 strips bacon (piggie, turkey, or veggie)
5. 2 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. Queso fresco
Step 1
Fry the bacon nice and crispy, and then cut in strips.
Step 2
Create the dressing by combining the maple syrup and olive oil. Combine the field greens, tomatoes, bacons strips, crumbled queso fresco, and toss with the dressing.
Leave a Comment » | LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: a. testoni loafers, bacon, bang, banging, calivirgin, delicious, DIY, easter bunny, easy, fake orgasm, field greens, food, game changer, get laid, golf-clap, Gordon ramsay, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, laryngitis, libido, maple bacon salad recipe, maple syrup, meat, naked, no orgasm fakin’ bacon salad, ocd, olive oil, oscar-winning actor, queso fresco, recipe, santa clause, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomatoes, tooth fairy, wiggety whack, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 23, 2010
Ain't no peewees with these kiwis.
Much props to New Zealanders for being so lovable. Here’s looking at you Bret and Jemaine! Those kiwis are a treat to be around, especially in their home turf. I visited Queenstown, NZ a while back and was taken a back by the natural beauty of the place. The mountains and lakes and rivers and shit were nice too. Kiwi girls got that organically cute look going on fun and are always up for it, whatever ìitî may be. A drunken lout I met at a Sydney party told me right before I flew to New Zealand, ìWhen you tap a kiwi on the shoulder her panties fall down.î Thanks for the tip, Aussie Aussie, oi oi! He was right. And not only that, Kiwi girls, at least the one I met in Queenstown, did me one better. She dragged me out of the bar, banged me like her forefathers banged their sheep, and then fed me after. Bang to Cook. What she served me was reminiscent of this little ditty. Fresh kiwis served as a decadent dessert hit the spot before I was dragged back to bed for round 2 through 14.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Port or dessert wine
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp brown sugar
2. 1 tsp garam masala*
3. 2 tbsp margarine
4. 8 kiwis
*Indian spice made of cumin, coriander, cardamom, peppercorn, cinnamon, cloves, nutmeg, and saffron
Step 1
Cut off the ends of the kiwi, slice down one side, and remove the peels. Cut the kiwis in half and you are ready to rumble.
Step 2
On low heat, melt the margarine, add the brown sugar and garam masala, and stir into a syrup. Add the slices of kiwi and sauté in the syrup until the kiwis soften and the color starts to fade (approx 20 min). Serve solo or over ice cream or another desert that needs some extra boom-shaka-laka.
Leave a Comment » | new zealand, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aussie, bang, bang to cook, banging, bret, brown sugar, cardamom, cinnamon, cloves, coriander, cumin, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, flight of the conchords, food, forefathers, fruit, game changer, garam masala, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jemaine, kitchen, kiwis, libido, margarine, naked, new zealand, new Zealanders, nutmeg, nz, oi oi, organically cute, peel, peppercorn, Queenstown, recipe, saffron, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sheep, slice, Sydney, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 19, 2010
Rub a dub dub, let's bang after this grub
Feel that. Cup your hand and take it all in. Yeah, that’s nice right? I worked hard to firm up my buttercups just so. This I assure you is no accident. Take another and another. You can’t resist, can you? I don’t blame you. With this much sex appeal turbo-loaded into one little dessert, I have a hard time leaving the house. You really don’t have to when you have such a delicious bait to lure the luckies in who get to bang you after eating your kitchen’s delights. Brownie/peanut butter cookie hybrids are dangerous and should not be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. Jihadists and ex-KGB scientists alike could destroy the world with sweet satisfaction. That much unchecked power can overwhelm even the most ethical of culinary Casanovas. So when you’re getting your buttercups rubbed, remember that with great flavor comes great responsibility.
Total time: approximately 60 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Milk
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 3/4 cups brown sugar
3. 3/4 cup cocoa
4. 1 tsp salt
5. 2 tsp vanilla extract
6. 1/2 cup HONEY
7. 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
8. 1/2 cup peanut butter
9. 3/4 tsp baking powder
10. 4 eggs
11. 2 sticks butter
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 375°F/190°C. Sift together 3/4 cups flour, cocoa mix, 3/4 cups brown sugar, salt and 1/4 tsp baking powder. Melt 1 stick of butter and beat in 2 eggs, and 1tsp vanilla extract. Mix the eggs/butter combination with the dry cocoa/flour/sugar mix into a batter. Blend in the chocolate chips and you have mind-blowing batter that you can bake or lick off your date.
Step 2
Grease a large baking pan and spread the brownie batter flat. Bake solo until the brown batter begins to harden (approx 25 min).
Step 3
Melt the remaining stick of butter and mix with the peanut butter. Mix in the remaining 2 eggs and 1 tsp vanilla. Next mix the 1/4 tsp baking powder, honey, and 2 cups brown sugar. Finally mix in the 1 1/4 cups flour.
Step 4
Carefully pour out and spread the peanut butter brownie, making sure not to unsettle the brownie bottom. Bake in the oven until the peanut butter cookie top cooks all the way through (approx 30 min). You should be able to poke a toothpick all the way through without getting any batter. Allow them cool before cutting and serving.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: aphrodisiac, baked goods, baking powder, bang, banging, batter, brown sugar, butter, cocoa, culinary Casanovas, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, eggs, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, hybrid, intercourse, jihadist, kgb, kitchen, libido, naked, peanut butter, peanut butter cup recipe, recipe, rub my butt, rub my butt-ercups, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, semi-sweet chocolate chips, sex, sex appeal, tasty, unchecked power, vanilla extract, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 18, 2010
Bango my mango? Yes please!
This Caribbean nod to all things breakfasty brought a smile to my face and the lucky recipient who was awoken by the smell. It was like an old Tom & Jerry cartoons where the scent literally drags sleeping Jerry out of safe slumbering mouse-hole. But instead of a cartoon mouse, picture a hot young thing dressed in nothing but her pride. Breakfast was served, Cook To Bang style. I swear I could hear the faint sound of steel drums as morning became afternoon in the comfort of my own bed.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: MIMOSUCK IT
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash paprika
4. 3 eggs
5. 1/4 lb chicken minced
6. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
7. 1/2 mango cubed
8. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
Step 1
Beat the eggs with green onions and salt.
Step 2
Season the chicken with paprika. Heat up the oil on medium heat and brown the chicken.
Step 3
Throw in the mango chunks and pour in the beaten eggs. Scramble to your liking.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Caribbean, MORNING WOOD, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, beat, breakfast, calivirgin, carribean, cartoons, chicken, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Jamaican, kitchen, libido, mango, mango chicken scramble recipe, minced, morning sex, mouse-hole, naked, paprika, recipe, salt, scramble, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, steel drums, tasty, tom & jerry, vintage cartoon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 16, 2010
This ginger beverage has been approved by the ginger council run by the ginger people.
We all get sick sometimes. Odds are that if you’re reading this, you are sick in the head. Welcome to the club. But the sick I speak of is where your body has broken down from your hedonist existence and let in something yucky. Time to take care of yourself so you can return to being a culinary Casanova. Whether you are taking care of yourself, or that hot number you’ve been banging, this tea will nurse you back to health with nutrients galore. The fact that it’s aphrodisiac-laden and delicious will only aid your quest. Sometimes you just need to bang away the nasty. Here’s to your health, you sicko!
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Eating Buddy: Fresh fruit
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp HONEY
2. 1 handful fresh chopped GINGER
3. 1 lemon quartered
4. 1 handful fresh mint leaves
5. 2 splashes brandy (optional, not pictured)
Step 1
Fill up a pot with 3 cups of water. Throw in the ginger, lemon, and half the mint leaves. Bring to a roaring boil, then lower the heat, and simmer until the flavor absorbs (approx 10 min).
Step 2
Pour the tea through a strainer into your cups of choice. Add the honey, mint leaves, and brand if you so desire and mix up.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, libation lubrication, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, boil, brandy, Casanova, culinary, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, ginger tea recipe, gingerbanger tea, gourmet, guarantee, hedonist, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, mint, naked, nutrients, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sick, sicko, simmer, tasty, tea, winter, yucky, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 15, 2010
Serve up ketchup to cure up relationship hiccups
Post Valentines Day blues? Did you forget to buy jewelry? Bring baby’s breath flowers instead of roses? OR were you the insensitive $@*&! that forgot the day altogether? Regardless of your trespasses, your significant other is mighty pissed. Odds are your ass is about to be bounced right out the door. You best be proactive to solve this little quandary before they are on the phone with that ex you hate or off to the bar to slut it up with the first sketchball that buys them a drink. Take it from a guy who has pissed off more girls than I have hairs on my head (no receding hairline here), drastic measures are called for if you want to keep them around. Since the CTB method is my ticket to everything from company for the night to free timeshare rentals in Costa Rica, food is the answer to most of my problems. Cook To Beg with a jar of homemade ketchup.
Total time: approximately 12 hours (1 hr cooking, 11 hrs refrigerated)
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you slather it over
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 small can tomato paste
3. ½ cup white wine vinegar
4. 1 28 OZ can tomatoes
5. 1/2 cup brown sugar
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 dash salt
8. 1 small handful chopped BASIL
Step 1
Puree the tomatoes.
Step 2
Sauté the onion in olive oil on medium heat (approx 5 min). Add the pureed tomatoes, and mix in the brown sugar, basil, salt, white wine vinegar, and tomato paste. Bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer on low heat uncovered until the liquid reduces in half (approx 45 min).
Step 3
Puree everything in the stockpot. Dump the contents into a bowl, cover with saran wrap, and refrigerate overnight. Serve as the most epic condom-ment for fries, eggs, potatoes, or just about anything that would be loved up by the classic red sauce.
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, break up, brown sugar, calivirgin, Catsup, cook to beg, costa rica, delicious, DIY, dumped, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, homemade ketchup recipe, intercourse, ketchup, kitchen, libido, make up, naked, olive oil, onion, oops, post valentines day blues, quandary, recipe, romance, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sketchball, tasty, timeshare, tomato paste, tomatoes, valentines day, white wine vinegar, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 11, 2010
Behold the green love machine bio-diesel (and quite delicious) fuel
I’m not sure what it is about bok choy; I always seem to taste sweet satisfaction when I serve it to the ladies. Perhaps it’s a purely coincidental, somewhat random constant in my life. But I’m not so sure. It could be that it’s classy and reeks of sophistication. The girls I serve it to may sense that I am indeed a well-traveled man of the world. No doubt I was probably an envoy or junior UN ambassador traveling in my own motorcade complete with a bodyguard with an Austrian accent. But my gut tells me it’s a more physiological. Whether it’s the healthy chloroform, delicious taste, or the lovely green color, something magical is happening each time I grab a bok choy off the shelf. Maybe it’s best not to understand one of nature’s best-kept secrets (until now, you’re welcome!). It’s just as well so long as you enjoy the benefits of steamed magic.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or champagne
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp sesame seeds
2. 1 tbsp HONEY
3. 1 bunch bok choy
Step 1
Chop off the base of the boy choy stalk to separate the leaves. Steam until the leaves begin to wilt and turn bright green.
Step 2
Lay the steamed bok choy leaves out wide and separate from each other. Drizzle the honey evenly over the boy choy and then scatter the sesame seeds so they stick to the honey.
Serve this fine veggie side with any number of fish or meat ENTRÉES.
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Austrian, bang, banging, benefits, bodyguard, bok choy, chloroform, coincidental, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, motorcade, naked, physiological, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds, sex, sex to me, sophistication, steam, steamed, sweet, tasty, UN, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 27, 2010
T&A is easy as pushing play on your CTB Music Mix
T&A is what every straight dude seeks when they CTB. Pull it off right and all will be revealed. The important thing is not to rush it or appear too eager. Naturally, in an era where we want what we want now and quit wasting my goddamn time, it’s hard to exercise restraint. But a smooth seduction is like roasting asparagus. Let it happen. The last thing you want is to crank the heat up so you can get the green aphrodisiac out of the oven faster in order to get on with the show. That will only lead to overcooked, underappreciated slop. Did I mention your kinky campaign will be totally FUBAR? Ease into it, sucka. If you add the right amount of flavor with the right amount of heat and the right amount of time, you will be more than all right. And to my female and gay male readership, the same rules apply minus the whole T&A thing.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: All depends on ENTREE, but dry white wine is asparagus’ friend
Ingredients (Serves 4):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 dash black pepper
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
5. 1/2 lb ASPARAGUS
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Wash the asparagus and chop off the tips, and discard. Spread out the asparagus flat in a baking pan. Sprinkle evenly with garlic, salt and pepper, and then drizzle with olive oil.
Step 2
Throw the asparagus in the oven and roast until they brown slightly (approx 30 min). Serve that delicious goodness up with something equally healthy and banging.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, bang, banging, black pepper, calivirgin, campaign, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fubar, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, recipe, roast, roasted asparagus recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slop, T&A, tasty, tits and ass, tlc, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 15, 2010
Get in, get out, get back to the task at hand.
Are you keen on getting your date to stare at you with slack-jawed
amazement? Time is a wasting if you¹re awaiting my answer. Sometimes the
slow deliberate seduction isn¹t right for the ones keen on the quickie. Sure
it¹s rushed, but you still want to rock that shit and leave them wanting
more. The same goes for a quick on-the-go delight. Here you have a treat so
tasty, so quick, it will seem like a wet dream. At least that is the
discovery I made on tour. There I was in some hot Chiquita bonita¹s bed
hungry as can be. Leaving her pad would mean dressing, which would mean
undressing again, something not necessarily guaranteed with the girl I only
met 48 hours prior. So I had to be quick on my feet. This is what I made
from the goods in her fridge. I¹m guessing it worked since we didn¹t leave
her place again until days later when my friends did a search and rescue
mission. At that point, she almost didn¹t let go. Perhaps it¹s best I got
out before she started naming our kids. At least she¹ll always have the
misty water-colored Cook To Bang memories.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: BANGARITA
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 taco-sized corn tortillas
2. 1Ž2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp butter
4. 1 tomato sliced thinly
5. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
6. 2 fat handfuls Gouda cheese chunks
Step 1
First assemble the quesadillas by laying a small layer of cheese, tomatoes,
green onions, avocado, and another layer of cheese.
Step 2
Use half the butter to grease a small pan cooking on medium heat. Add the
first quesadilla, cover it with the pot top, and cook until the cheese melts
(approx 3 min). Repeat with the second quesadilla and serve Œem up, champ!
This appetizer goes great with a little SIMPLY SEXY SALSA or GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: 48 hours, amazement, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, bonita, butter, Chiquita, corn tortillas, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, food, game changer, get laid, gouda cheese, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, open-faced, open-mouthed quesadilla, quesadilla, quickie, recipe, search and rescue, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomato, tour, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 
