April 30, 2009
Who get's freaky? Who do? You do! Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!
Ain’t nothing wrong with getting a little freaky in the kitchen. I get freaky every time I walk across the linoleum. Sometimes I’ll grind against my oven, do the old in-out with my cupboards, or just stick my hand all up in my freezer just because. Sure I could act my age and treat the kitchen with reverence usually saved for a church. But to me, my kitchen is my church and I am a goddamn pagan. Getting freaky with two chicken breasts is my way of giving thanks for all the bounty and booty that comes my way. So ladies, won’t you join me in this freaky heathen worship of the sweet and the savory? This chicken is baked, so it is far less fatty. That means we can get way more chatty, before I drive you batty with desire. So don’t be bratty or catty about getting freaky. It’s natural and oh so delicioso!
Total time: approximately 70 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a margarita
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of Cornflakes
2. 1 tablespoon of milk
3. 1 egg
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of pepper
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 1 green onion chopped finely
8. 1 handful of shredded Parmesan
9. 2 tablespoons of butter
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Dump the cornflakes into a bowl and punch them into submission. Mix in the Parmesan, green onions, pepper, and salt. In a separate bowl, mix together the egg and milk.
Pat dry the chicken breasts. Dip them in the egg/milk mixture and then stick the meat in the cornflake breading mixture, making sure both sides are coated. Place in a baking pan. Melt the butter in a pan and pour it over the breaded chicken. Throw it all into the oven and bake until the chicken is crispy on the outside and cooked through on the inside (approx 1 hour).
Serve with GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.
April 27, 2009
Become the Lord of the Onion Rings
It’s hard to say no to someone who is fun and young (and legal, obviously). The same goes for a delicious side order liked baked onion rings. These finger foods are lower in fat so it doesn’t feel like a brick floating in your rotting guts. That’s one less reason to not get laid. These will keep you satisfied, but limber enough to make your move. Your date won’t complain about these rings being too oily and ruining their favorite outfit when you put your ungreasy paws all over them. So grope away like Frodo, the Lord of the Onion Rings.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or soda
1. 1 cup of cornflakes
2. 1 teaspoon of Cajun seasoning
3. 1 tablespoon of sugar
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. 1 egg
6. 1 onion cut into ½ rounds, then rings separated
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. First crush the cornflakes without pulverizing them. Combine together with Cajun seasoning, salt and sugar. In a separate bowl, beat an egg thoroughly. Dip the separated onion rings in the egg and then the cornflake breading.
Lay each dipped onion ring on a greased baking sheet. Throw into the oven and cook until the breading is crispy and clings to the onions (approx 20-25 min). Use a spatula to pry each onion ring off. Serve them up on a plate with your favorite condom-ment or with a SINWICH.
March 27, 2009
Lick it before you stick it!
Agreed. They are addictive. Your first instinct is to run your tongue across them, indulging in as much essence as you can suck down. It’s like a smoking crack: you know better, but you do it anyway. You may not want to go on without it. You will have postpartum depression and experience nasty withdrawals that will alienate those you love. We’re talking about high-grade lower fat* shit here. The street value is ridiculous. That is how these good baked garlic fries can be. My advice is to get your date hooked. Turned them into your garlic fry crack whore. They will be under your spell and willing to do anything for their garlic fix. I mean ANYTHING. Be warned that garlic can be a smelly curse. But if ye both eat of the stinking rose, neither of ye shall recoil.
*Baked garlic fries are not low fat, just less fattening than the deep fried version.
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: Beer, preferably Belgium like Chimay or Leffe
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 2 teaspoons of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
4. 2 large potatoes
5. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Peel the potatoes, and then slice the potatoes lengthwise every ½ inch on one side, and then flip them 90 degrees and cut more ½ inch strips, thus creating fries.
Throw the fries in a bowl and toss in the garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper and toss it together with your hands.
Lay out the fries evenly along the baking sheet, leaving space between them. Bake them for approximately 40 minutes, flipping the fries halfway through cooking. The fries will be crisp and slightly browned. Dump them onto a plate with a paper towel and blot out the excess grease.
Serve on a platter with your favorite condom-ment!
Baked Garlic Fries are the Devil's plan
March 26, 2009
Wake and Bake!
My honey’s got it going on. She knows just how to handle my fruit. Ooh, baby! You know just how to peel ‘em naked, rub ‘em down with your sticky icky, and then heat ‘em up. Dessert will never be the same. Every bite is crazy healthy and bursting with flavor G spots. Hot damn! We can indulge all our flavor fantasies guilt-free. No one can judge us because we are technically playing by the rules. The calorie police don’t have to know how much pleasure we’re soaking up. It’s none of their taste-hating business what we bake behind closed doors. So enjoy with reckless abandon just because you can. It will be our little secret.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA or a HOT TODDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 3 tablespoons of HONEY
2. ½ a lemon of juice
3. 4 Fuji apples
4. 1 cinnamon stick
5. 1 pinch of cloves
6. Plain yogurt to pour on top of apples (not pictured)*
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Peel the apples and cut halves off each side, leaving the cores intact. Cut the smaller slivers off each core. Add all the apple meat to a small baking pan with the cut sides up.
Warm up a pan on medium heat. Squeeze in the lemon, and then add the cinnamon stick, cloves and honey. Mix it together and allow the spices to soak into the liquid. Once the mixture bubbles up, remove it from the heat and pour the honey evenly over the apples in the baking pan.
Throw the apples in the oven and cook until they soften (approx 20 minutes), and then flip them and bake the other side through (approx 10 minutes), pouring sauce scooped from the baking sheet over the topside. Serve up on plate with a little yogurt if you are so inclined.
November 16, 2008
Kahlua brownie will make 'em go downie on you
If you are sweet on your sweetheart, use chocolate to seal the deal. Chocolate is an amazingly effective aphrodisiac that gets the heart rate up, increases blood flow and creates a natural feeling of well being, euphoria, and with any luck, wanton lust. Ancient Aztec’s thought it invigorated men and made women less inhibited and they consumed it before battle or intense rounds of sexual activity. Have we learned nothing from history? Do as the Aztec do and do it all night with some natural aphrodisiacs. The fact that it tastes like food reserved for the Gods is beside the point. Take it a step further with Kahlua. The Mexican liqueur makes bad coffee tastes superb, a white Russian worthwhile and stands alone like champ just on ice. Combine chocolate and Kahlua into homemade brownies and you are well on your way to a tasty, triumphant evening. If the magnificent meal you made can’t seal the deal, go for the knockout punch. Hand feed your date a Kahlua Brownie and follow it up with a chocolate flavored kiss. Mmm…
Ingredients (for 2):
1. ½ stick of butter
2. 4 ounces of unsweetened baking chocolate
3. 2 cups of sugar
4. 3 eggs
5. 1 teaspoon of baking powder
6. 1½ cups of flour
7. 1 teaspoon of salt
8. 2 cups of Kahlua
9. ½ cup of shredded coconut
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. In one mixing bowl combine the flour, salt and baking powder and mix together thoroughly. In a second bowl, mix the eggs and sugar together so they are united, like the 13 original US colonies.
Use a saucepan to heat the butter and melt down the chocolate. Add 1½ cups of the Kahlua (saving the other ½ cup) and mix until it is one chocolate river of goodness.
Bring together the flour/salt/baking power with the egg/sugar and melted chocolate/Kahlua into one big party. Blend it all into a batter and make it all better by adding the shredded coconut. Pour the better batter into a greased baking pan and spread it out evenly.
Throw the baking pan in the oven and bake for 35-40 minutes. If you are unsure if it is ready, dip a toothpick into the brownie: if it comes out clean you have yourself bake brownies. Finally, use a brush or flat spoon to spread out the remaining ½ cup of Kahlua and let it settle for 5 minutes into a glaze. Cut the brownies up and serve with milk, ice cream or use them to bribe a cop out of a speeding ticket.