November 6, 2009
Yes, mistress. Please, mistress. Thank you, mistress.
Kinky is my middle name. Actually it’s Patrick, but I’m considering changing it. I wouldn’t call myself an S&M guy, but I do enjoy pushing the envelope behind closed doors with consenting adults. What’s the point of boring sex? Why half-ass your goal after you put all this effort into convincing someone to get naked? I don’t personally own handcuffs, but I’ve been cuffed to a bed with leopard print bonds. My mistress/lover for the night was rough at times, and then sweet, then rough and so on. It was pretty hot. Melting candle wax on my nipples was just painful, but it was still an experience I remember fondly. The best part is after we were done, we had takeout Pad Thai that she fed me since my hands were still attached to her headboard. That was one of my favorite Thai food memories, which I have since relived in subtle, less painful ways. So here’s my own take on this classic recipe with a little extra sexy thrown into the mix. Just be sure to have a safety word when engaging in Thai-style COOK TO BANG.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Thai iced tea or beer
Ingredients (serves 2, with post-coital leftovers):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 1-package rice noodles
3. 1 tbsp fish sauce
4. 1 tbsp soy sauce
5. 2 OZ Pad Thai sauce
6. Limejuice to taste
7. 2 eggs
8. 6 green onions chopped coarsely
9. FRIED TOFU
10. 1 red CHILI chopped finely
11. 2 handful chopped peanuts
12. ½ lb SHRIMP
13. ½ lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
Marinate the raw chicken with the soy sauce, fish sauce and limejuice (approx 15 min). Cook the chicken in a pan until they brown (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp and cook it all together (approx 2).
Bring a pot of water to a boil, turn the heat low and cook the rice noodles al dente (approx 4 min) and drain. Heat up the oil in deep pan or wok. Add the noodles and mix in the pad Thai sauce thoroughly. Cook in the chicken, shrimp, fried tofu and green onions.
Beat the two eggs and cook flat in a pan like a pancake. Jimmy the eggs off the pan an crown the noodles with it. When serving, throw a handful of peanuts and squeeze some lime over it.
These kinky noodles go great with a BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
June 15, 2009
Noodles = Nudity
That’s it. Take it all off. Every last article must be removed. You know the deal. No naked, no nosh! There you go. Don’t you feel so much better without all those pesky clothes? I know I feel liberated. See? I’m nude too. Watch me do this cartwheel. Whee! Now it’s your turn. I want to see your naughty bits fly in all directions. Again! Again! All this exercise made me hungry. Let’s break. The only proper way to dine on noodles is in the nude. Sure they are spicy, but I know how randy you get when your mouth is on fire. Let the papaya cool you down before things heat back up after the meal.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 8-ounces of dried rice noodle flakes
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of soy sauce
4. ½ tbsp of vegetable oil
5. 1 onion cut in strips
6. 1 handful of crushed pecans
7. ½ a lime
8. ½ of a papaya
9. 2 handfuls of cilantro
10. 1 egg
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Scoop the seeds out of the papaya, and then cut the fruit meat out. Discard the shell and chop up the papaya coarsely.
Sauté the garlic, onion and ½ the cilantro with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 3 min). Throw in the papaya and cook it with the soy sauce and Sriracha sauce (approx 2 min).
Boil the rice noodle flakes (approx 4 min), drain, toss them into the magic pot of flavor, and then mix it all together.
Crack an egg into the pan, and then mix the contents together. Crown the noodles with the crushed pecans and cilantro, and finally squeeze the limejuice over your creation.
Serve up the nude-les solo or with some BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
March 27, 2009
Lick it before you stick it!
Agreed. They are addictive. Your first instinct is to run your tongue across them, indulging in as much essence as you can suck down. It’s like a smoking crack: you know better, but you do it anyway. You may not want to go on without it. You will have postpartum depression and experience nasty withdrawals that will alienate those you love. We’re talking about high-grade lower fat* shit here. The street value is ridiculous. That is how these good baked garlic fries can be. My advice is to get your date hooked. Turned them into your garlic fry crack whore. They will be under your spell and willing to do anything for their garlic fix. I mean ANYTHING. Be warned that garlic can be a smelly curse. But if ye both eat of the stinking rose, neither of ye shall recoil.
*Baked garlic fries are not low fat, just less fattening than the deep fried version.
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: Beer, preferably Belgium like Chimay or Leffe
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 2 teaspoons of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
4. 2 large potatoes
5. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Peel the potatoes, and then slice the potatoes lengthwise every ½ inch on one side, and then flip them 90 degrees and cut more ½ inch strips, thus creating fries.
Throw the fries in a bowl and toss in the garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper and toss it together with your hands.
Lay out the fries evenly along the baking sheet, leaving space between them. Bake them for approximately 40 minutes, flipping the fries halfway through cooking. The fries will be crisp and slightly browned. Dump them onto a plate with a paper towel and blot out the excess grease.
Serve on a platter with your favorite condom-ment!
Baked Garlic Fries are the Devil's plan
March 11, 2009
Sometime you just get lucky
Desperation leads to innovation. That is what I learned making this ridiculous rice dish. I was traveling in a foreign land where I met a local girl who spoke little English and I little Spanish. But we were both hungry so I invited her over for lunch at my Uncle’s place with a very limited kitchen. I was way out of my element not only from culture shock, but also from a cooking environment lacking even something simple like black pepper. But I had professed in no uncertain terms, “soy un jefe de cocina muy excellente!” So I went to work the only way I know how, recklessly. There was an old bag of rice, some veggies I bought off a truck, 1 weird seasoning jar and the Lizano salsa, my new favorite condiment. This stuff has as many uses as Astroglide, but far tastier to most. My chica bonita was well impressed with the random dish I concocted out of thin air. Her hunger for food was satisfied, but only my sexy gringo ass could satisfy her sweet tooth. The takeaway for this sordid tale I offer you is that you can eke out a feast from an ice cube and cinnamon stick if you are clever. It’s like making a condom out of saran wrap, but not as idiotic.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Moonshine that you made out of rubbing alcohol and grape soda*
*This is sarcasm. Cook To Bang does not endorse making yourself blind from homemade moonshine. Save that for the hillbillies.
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of seasoning of your choice (Spike Vege-sal used in this pic)
2. 4 tablespoons of Lizano salsa (available at most local Latino markets) OR other favorite hot sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 coffee mug of dried white rice
5. 1 large carrot
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
7. 1 onion
8. 1 egg
9. 1 handful of raw almonds
Fill a coffee mug up with dried rice and pour it in a medium sized pot, then two mugfuls of water. Bring the water to a boil on high heat, then turn the heat down to medium and cook covered until rice fully expands (approx 10 minutes, read instructions). Use a fork to fluff the rice like a porn star.
Cut up the onions and carrots into bite-sized pieces. Heat up a decent sized pan with olive oil, then sauté the veggies until they soften (approx 3 minutes). Add the seasoning and almonds and cook until the almonds soften (approx 2 minutes).
Add the rice to the pan and mix them all up. Crack the egg onto top of the rice and quickly beat it so it cooks into the rice. Squeeze the lemon juice on top and crown it all with the blessed Lizano sauce. Behold, an edible feast made from pure gumption.
March 10, 2009
“Kiss Me, I’m Irish!” said the drunk leprechaun gnawing on a potato.
You have to love the simplicity of the Irish. The simple potato prepared in so many different ways kept a civilization alive, healthy and able to withstand the Roman Empire. Not bad at all. The potato has gotten the Irish through the worst famines, droughts, pestilence and snake invasions. Much props to Saint Patrick for telling those slithery suckers to piss off. So next time you indulge in a potato feast, think about the history of the carbohydrates you are eating. When you’re done with that, pounce on your date and blame your crazy Irish roots, even if you don’t have them.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you serve this with. If you are eating them solo, celebrate the Irish with a Guinness or whiskey
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 6 red potatoes
3. 1 tablespoon of coarse sea salt
4. 1 small handful of fresh rosemary
5. Pepper to taste (not pictured)
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Wash off each potato, then cut them into mouthful pieces.
Lay tinfoil over a baking pan. Lay down the olive oil. Toss in the potatoes and crown it all with salt, rosemary and pepper (if you so desire). Toss the potatoes with your hands, ensuring the potatoes are well coated. Throw the pan into the oven and cook until the potatoes brown (approx 25 minutes).
Allow these potatoes to compliment your favorite ENTRÉE and date.
November 18, 2008
Vampire proof holiday comfort food
Garlic can kill your game and the plants in your living room if you aren’t careful. Sure the vampires might stay away, but so might your sexy time play pal. But use the right amount and your palette and date will thank you. Garlic can take boring old mash potatoes to a higher plane full of robust flavor and passion. You can cut the garlic bit using buttermilk that will leave your taters velvety and sparkly. This savory side dish can certainly save a main course that resides in Bland City. What better way to impress your new lover’s family during Thanksgiving? You will forever be remembered as that derelict whose only redeeming quality was that killer side dish that outshined their turkey. You might even get invited back next year, with or without their son or daughter. Garlic is also incredibly good for your immune system, which you will need in tiptop condition considering all the banging to be done this holiday season. Should you overdo the garlic, realize you and your date are both stinky, and can make sweet stinky love, relieved to know no vampire will interrupt your tryst. Happy Holidays!
1. 1 tablespoon salt
2. 1 cup of buttermilk
3. 4 cloves of garlic chopped
4. 1 onion chopped coarsely
5. ¼ stick of butter
6. 7 small red potatoes quartered
On medium heat, sauté the garlic, onions and salt in butter until they are soft.
Boil a covered pot of water on high heat until it boils. Throw in the potatoes, return it all to a boil, cover and cook for about 15-20 minutes. Use a fork to test if they are cooked through; if the fork easily pierces the potato you are golden. Drain the potatoes in a colander.
Combine the sautéed onions and the boiled potatoes. Pour in the buttermilk and blend with a fork, eggbeater or hand blender. Serve up the potatoes as a badass side for Thanksgiving, with pork chops or use as a tasty lubricant.