FINGERBANGING FINGERLING POTATOES

January 7, 2010

Cook To Fingerbang!

Using your fingers is often the only way to go. No time for squeamishness when it comes to cooking to bang. Just spread them fingers wide and dive right in. Remember that your date will thank you after for your keen attention to details. Their oral pleasure zone isn’t going to satisfy itself. Fingerling potatoes are coming back in a big way. Some famous chef somewhere some how said something like, “Fingerling potatoes are now and very much it.” Just think how cool you will appear serving up a sensational side with the hottest carb in town. The fact that they resemble human fingers that you will be using to entice and engorge later is the popped cherry on top. So fingerbang away!

Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Depends on entrée, but red wine should do you both nicely

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash sea salt
2. 1 dash black pepper
3. 2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
4. 2 tbsp olive oil
5. 1 dash thyme
6. 1/2 lemon
7. 1 sprig ROSEMARY
8. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lb fingerling potatoes

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/232°C. Wash the taters thoroughly and then split them. Toss them with the garlic, olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper, thyme, and rosemary.

Step 2
Spread the marinated fingerlings on a small baking pan, laying the flat ends down. Bake the potatoes until they brown and can be forked easily with a fork (approx 25min), flipping halfway through cooking. Toss the roasted potatoes in the balsamic vinegar and serve.

Serve these fine carbs up with any number of meaty ENTRÉES.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


KETCHUP SEX PASTA

December 7, 2009

It's important to catch up with old friends with benefits.

It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while.  The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue.  There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together.  A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do.  In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry.  This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred.  A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force.  I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red vino always

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly

Step 1
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil.  Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min).  Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min).  Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.

Step 2
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly.  Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.

Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


BREAK YOUR HEARTY PASTA

December 3, 2009

Each noodle is a thread of attraction sliding down their throat into their hearts.

Pasta was my love long before I appreciated the finer foods.  From the get-go, I slarped down cans of Chef Boyardee pasta letters, crazy for carbs.  You can imagine my frustration over the Atkins zombies ruining food for the rest of us. They don’t understand the rudimentary equation for health: balance of diet and exercise. Therefore their unhealthy dismissal of carbohydrates, the item most essential to early civilization development, makes the pasta pimp in me prep my hand for a bitch-slap.  Pasta gets me off.  It’s that simple. I need hearty fuel to keep me charging ahead when it’s cold and miserable outside.  How else am I going to keep myself charging through the day and make it through to another exhausting evening of cooking to bang?  There are too many hearts to break to get weak and mopey due to lack of premium gas pasta power. Your date will be equally stoked for the hearty comfort…unless they are an Atkins freak. Those folks are more likely to smothers their bun-free burger in cow’s blood and howl at the full moon.  FYI- Werewolves are hot in the sack, but my doctor says the claw marks dug into my back will probably scar.  Let this be a warning to Cook To Bang’s Team Jacob readers.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka! Lots of it.

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 28-OZ can of crushed tomatoes
3. 1 kale bunch
4. 1 radish bunch with stalks/leaves
5. 1 tsp parsley flakes
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 sausages chopped into bite-sized pieces
8. Parmesan to taste
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. ½ lb whole wheat spaghetti

Step 1
While the spaghetti boils, complete steps 2 & 3. Once al dente, drain and mix in the complete sauce and crown with Parmesan, as you like.

Step 2
Wash the radishes, chopping the stocks and leaves into smaller pieces. Cut off the ends of the radish and slice into bite-sized rounds. Wash the kale too and cut into smaller pieces.

Step 3
Sauté the garlic and radishes in a stockpot until they soften (approx 5 min).  Add the radish leaves and kale and cook until they wilt like spinach (approx 3 min).  Push the sautéed veggies to one side and sauté the sausages until they brown (approx 3 min).  Pour in the tomato can, using a blunt object to pulverize them even further.  Spice the sauce with salt and parsley flakes, slow simmer until the pasta is ready, and then go back to Step 1.

This heartiest of hearty pastas goes great with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD. More carbs, yay!

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


PAD THAI ME UP

November 6, 2009
pad thai me up served

Yes, mistress. Please, mistress. Thank you, mistress.

Kinky is my middle name.  Actually it’s Patrick, but I’m considering changing it.  I wouldn’t call myself an S&M guy, but I do enjoy pushing the envelope behind closed doors with consenting adults.  What’s the point of boring sex? Why half-ass your goal after you put all this effort into convincing someone to get naked? I don’t personally own handcuffs, but I’ve been cuffed to a bed with leopard print bonds.  My mistress/lover for the night was rough at times, and then sweet, then rough and so on.  It was pretty hot.  Melting candle wax on my nipples was just painful, but it was still an experience I remember fondly.  The best part is after we were done, we had takeout Pad Thai that she fed me since my hands were still attached to her headboard.  That was one of my favorite Thai food memories, which I have since relived in subtle, less painful ways.  So here’s my own take on this classic recipe with a little extra sexy thrown into the mix.  Just be sure to have a safety word when engaging in Thai-style COOK TO BANG.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Thai iced tea or beer

pad thai me up prepIngredients (serves 2, with post-coital leftovers):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 1-package rice noodles
3. 1 tbsp fish sauce
4. 1 tbsp soy sauce
5. 2 OZ Pad Thai sauce
6. Limejuice to taste
7. 2 eggs
8. 6 green onions chopped coarsely
9. FRIED TOFU
10. 1 red CHILI chopped finely
11. 2 handful chopped peanuts
12. ½ lb SHRIMP
13. ½ lb chicken cut in bite-sized pieces

Step 1
Marinate the raw chicken with the soy sauce, fish sauce and limejuice (approx 15 min).  Cook the chicken in a pan until they brown (approx 3 min).  Add the shrimp and cook it all together (approx 2).
pad thai me up meat
Step 2
Bring a pot of water to a boil, turn the heat low and cook the rice noodles al dente (approx 4 min) and drain.  Heat up the oil in deep pan or wok.  Add the noodles and mix in the pad Thai sauce thoroughly.  Cook in the chicken, shrimp, fried tofu and green onions.
pad thai me up noodle stir-fry
Step 3
Beat the two eggs and cook flat in a pan like a pancake.  Jimmy the eggs off the pan an crown the noodles with it.  When serving, throw a handful of peanuts and squeeze some lime over it.
pad thai me up eggs
These kinky noodles go great with a BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.

pad thai me up served 2

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


TOTALLY NUDE-LES FOR PAPAYA!

June 15, 2009
Noodles = Nudity

Noodles = Nudity

That’s it. Take it all off.  Every last article must be removed.  You know the deal.  No naked, no nosh!  There you go.  Don’t you feel so much better without all those pesky clothes?  I know I feel liberated.  See?  I’m nude too.  Watch me do this cartwheel.  Whee!  Now it’s your turn.  I want to see your naughty bits fly in all directions.  Again!  Again!  All this exercise made me hungry.  Let’s break.  The only proper way to dine on noodles is in the nude. Sure they are spicy, but I know how randy you get when your mouth is on fire.  Let the papaya cool you down before things heat back up after the meal.

Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a CHASING GINGER TAIL

Ingredients (serves 2):papaya nude-les prep
1. 8-ounces of dried rice noodle flakes
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of soy sauce
4. ½ tbsp of vegetable oil
5. 1 onion cut in strips
6. 1 handful of crushed pecans
7. ½ a lime
8. ½ of a papaya
9. 2 handfuls of cilantro
10. 1 egg
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely

Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a boil.  Scoop the seeds out of the papaya, and then cut the fruit meat out.  Discard the shell and chop up the papaya coarsely.
papaya nude-les scoop chop
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, onion and ½ the cilantro with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 3 min).  Throw in the papaya and cook it with the soy sauce and Sriracha sauce (approx 2 min).
papaya nude-les saute
Step 3
Boil the rice noodle flakes (approx 4 min), drain, toss them into the magic pot of flavor, and then mix it all together.
papaya nude-les boil
Step 4
Crack an egg into the pan, and then mix the contents together.  Crown the noodles with the crushed pecans and cilantro, and finally squeeze the limejuice over your creation.
papaya nude-les stir-fry
Serve up the nude-les solo or with some BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
papaya nude-les served 2

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


GARLICKABLE FRIES

March 27, 2009

Lick it before you stick it!

Lick it before you stick it!

Agreed.  They are addictive.  Your first instinct is to run your tongue across them, indulging in as much essence as you can suck down.  It’s like a smoking crack: you know better, but you do it anyway.  You may not want to go on without it.  You will have postpartum depression and experience nasty withdrawals that will alienate those you love. We’re talking about high-grade lower fat* shit here.  The street value is ridiculous.  That is how these good baked garlic fries can be.  My advice is to get your date hooked.  Turned them into your garlic fry crack whore.  They will be under your spell and willing to do anything for their garlic fix.  I mean ANYTHING.  Be warned that garlic can be a smelly curse.  But if ye both eat of the stinking rose, neither of ye shall recoil.

*Baked garlic fries are not low fat, just less fattening than the deep fried version.

garlic-fried-prep1Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: Beer, preferably Belgium like Chimay or Leffe

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 2 teaspoons of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
4. 2 large potatoes
5. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Peel the potatoes, and then slice the potatoes lengthwise every ½ inch on one side, and then flip them 90 degrees and cut more ½ inch strips, thus creating fries.
garlic-fried-taters
Step 2
Throw the fries in a bowl and toss in the garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper and toss it together with your hands.
garlic-fried-toss
Step 3
Lay out the fries evenly along the baking sheet, leaving space between them.  Bake them for approximately 40 minutes, flipping the fries halfway through cooking.  The fries will be crisp and slightly browned.  Dump them onto a plate with a paper towel and blot out the excess grease.
garlic-fried-bake
Serve on a platter with your favorite condom-ment!

Baked Garlic Fries are the Devil's plan

Baked Garlic Fries are the Devil's plan

AddThis Social Bookmark Button


FRISKY FRIED RICE

March 11, 2009
Sometime you just get lucky

Sometime you just get lucky

Desperation leads to innovation.  That is what I learned making this ridiculous rice dish.  I was traveling in a foreign land where I met a local girl who spoke little English and I little Spanish.  But we were both hungry so I invited her over for lunch at my Uncle’s place with a very limited kitchen.  I was way out of my element not only from culture shock, but also from a cooking environment lacking even something simple like black pepper.  But I had professed in no uncertain terms, “soy un jefe de cocina muy excellente!”  So I went to work the only way I know how, recklessly.  There was an old bag of rice, some veggies I bought off a truck, 1 weird seasoning jar and the Lizano salsa, my new favorite condiment.  This stuff has as many uses as Astroglide, but far tastier to most.  My chica bonita was well impressed with the random dish I concocted out of thin air.  Her hunger for food was satisfied, but only my sexy gringo ass could satisfy her sweet tooth.  The takeaway for this sordid tale I offer you is that you can eke out a feast from an ice cube and cinnamon stick if you are clever.  It’s like making a condom out of saran wrap, but not as idiotic.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Moonshine that you made out of rubbing alcohol and grape soda*

*This is sarcasm. Cook To Bang does not endorse making yourself blind from homemade moonshine.  Save that for the hillbillies.

frisky-fried-rice-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of seasoning of your choice (Spike Vege-sal used in this pic)
2. 4 tablespoons of Lizano salsa (available at most local Latino markets) OR other favorite hot sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 coffee mug of dried white rice
5. 1 large carrot
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
7. 1 onion
8. 1 egg
9. 1 handful of raw almonds

Step 1
Fill a coffee mug up with dried rice and pour it in a medium sized pot, then two mugfuls of water.  Bring the water to a boil on high heat, then turn the heat down to medium and cook covered until rice fully expands (approx 10 minutes, read instructions).  Use a fork to fluff the rice like a porn star.
frisky-fried-rice-boil1
Step 2
Cut up the onions and carrots into bite-sized pieces.  Heat up a decent sized pan with olive oil, then sauté the veggies until they soften (approx 3 minutes).  Add the seasoning and almonds and cook until the almonds soften (approx 2 minutes).
frisky-fried-rice-veggies
Step 3
Add the rice to the pan and mix them all up.  Crack the egg onto top of the rice and quickly beat it so it cooks into the rice.  Squeeze the lemon juice on top and crown it all with the blessed Lizano sauce.  Behold, an edible feast made from pure gumption.

frisky-fried-rice-mix-egg-sauce

AddThis Social Bookmark Button