December 21, 2009
Run like a cheetah to tap that booty
There are some people out there too fine for their own good. You know the type I’m talking about. It’s as if they are cursed to roam the earth surrounded by an unsightly subspecies, the rest of us. That’s how I feel every time I’m around someone so stunning, I wonder if perhaps my sins were not too great to exclude me from a heaven membership. Fat chance of that. The beta person would not dare try to engage the near-mythical sexual creature for fear of abject humiliation. But I always take the “fake it ‘til you make it” approach, which sometimes pays back in decadent dividends. When you do step up to the plate, be ready to knock it out of the park by having a plan. I’m cocky about my cooking skills. So with swagger and spitfire I invite the sexier-than-thou and let them know not coming to my place for some grub will be their loss. No cheetah will deny the rarefied opportunity to sample your fajita sandwich.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy:BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise to taste
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 4 dashes fajita seasoning
4. 2 sandwich rolls
5. 2 GREENSBURY MARKET organic chicken breasts
6. 1 onion sliced in long strips
7. 1 red bell pepper sliced in long strips
8. 1 lime wedge
9. 1 small handful cilantro chopped coarsely
10. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
11. 1 tomato sliced thinly.
Step 1
Slice the chicken breasts into long thin strips and marinate in limejuice and 1/2 the fajita
seasoning (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the onion, bell pepper and cilantro in olive oil until they soften (approx 4 min). Create room in the pan and sauté the chicken next to but separate from the veggies (approx 3 min).
Step 3
Assemble the sandwich. First split the rolls down the top, and then spread mayo as needed. Stuff each roll with veggies, chicken, tomato and avocado.
Serve this gringo twist on a Mexican classic with a some GARLICKABLE FRIES.
4 Comments | 
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Posted by cooktobang
September 21, 2009
Can you fig it? Yes you can! Can we fig it? Yes we will!
As long as you can fig it, we can dig it! At least that’s what Eve told me when I crashed a party at the Garden of Eden. It was a pretty epic throw down with animals of paradise serving up all manner of hors d’oeuvres from the bountiful fruit found in the garden. God was DJ’ing, digging in his crate of music not-yet-invented to keep the party hopping. The best part was that everyone was naked, unaware that their hot bodies were meant to cause them shame. Adam was too busy discussing his odd mass of body hair around his pubic region with my wingman the snake to notice that I had led Eve away to fix her up some food of biblical awesomeness. I gathered all the goods throughout the garden and slapped it together. Did you know English muffins grew on trees before Original Sin? Eve was all about it and more than down to commit sins not yet documented. Post-coital, totally out of breath, Eve was hungry once more. I was on my way out, but my man the snake that just whooped Adam’s ass in a nectar-drinking contest, tossed her an apple as we vanished into history once more.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA or holy water (just add vodka)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise (or your favorite condom-ment)
2. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
4. 1 English muffin
5. 1 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
Step 1
Split the English muffin in half and toast it. Spread a little mayo or the condom-ment that gets you the wettest. Add green onion, tomato, avocado and crown it all with some kick ass figs.
Serve it up to your date and commence with some original sin!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegetarian | Tagged: adam & eve, avocado, awesomeness, bang, banging, basil, bible, biblical, can you dig it?, delicious, DIY, dj, drinking contest, easy, English muffin, fig, Fig sandwich recipe, food, forbidden fruit, fruit, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, god, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, hors d'oeuvres, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, naked, nectar, original sin, pubic hair, recipe, sandwich, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, snake, tasty, toast, tomato, veggies, wingman, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 23, 2009
Smelly fish in my belly.
I recognize that smell anywhere. Every time she walks by me my nose piques up. Yep, there she goes again. Tuna fish patrol on the prowl. Most guys are repulsed by pungent poonany. But they don’t have the culinary kink you develop being surrounded by food. People’s filthy minds wander to sex when they eat food with certain aromas. My mind wanders to food when I’m banging someone emanating various aromas. The fact the girl in question smells a bit fishy only made me hungrier for meat from the sea. While my friends dissed the funky-scented hottie, I invited her over for tuna burgers. My whole house smelled like tuna anyway so I couldn’t smell the difference when we went from Cook To Bang.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: MELLOW JELL-O MAKES’EM BELLOW
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of TUNA
2. ½ tbsp olive oil
3. Mayonnaise to taste
4. 2 hamburger buns
5. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
6. 1 small handful of cilantro chopped coarsely
7. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. ½ lime
9. 1 egg
10. ½ a Serrano CHILI diced finely
Step 1
Drain the tuna and mix it thoroughly with the green onions, cilantro, chilies and egg.
Step 2
Form two burgers, pressing them together tightly. Pan-fry the burgers in olive oil on medium heat, flipping once so both sides brown (approx 3 min per side).
Step 3
Assemble the burgers by toasting the buns, slathering them with mayonnaise and avocado. Slide the tuna patties in, slap them together and slice in half.
Serve them up solo, with salad or some TOTALLY SWEET POTATO FRIES.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, SINWICHES, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, aromas, avocado, bang, banging, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fishy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, grilled tuna patties, guarantee, hamburger buns, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, mayonnaise, naked, olive oil, pan-fry, pungent poonany, quick, recipe, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chil, sex, smells like tuna, spicy, tasty, tuna, tuna burger recipe, tuna sandwich, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 8, 2009
Don’t chicken out when chicken out a perfect ass!
From here it looks pretty damn good. Firm and spankable for sure. What? I can’t help admiring your fine posterior. You’ve been blessed. That DOES NOT make me a pervert! I may be a pervert, but for doing things far worse than staring at your glorious behind for the last 20 minutes. Quite frankly, if you didn’t want people staring you would have worn some ugly khaki cargo pants instead of that hot number that screams out, “Hey, everyone! Check out my amazing ass!” So there. You must be hungry from being so goddamn hot. Why don’t you sit down and allow me to make a peace offering. Try this chicken salad that is superior to any found in the Milky Way Galaxy. Seriously, Zorvax who writes for Zagat across the Universe assured me of that. He said it’s even better than the succulent salad made from space chickens on the planet Nebulon’s furthest moon. Now sit your luscious ass right here…on my lap.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or an ice cold RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 3):
1. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. 1 teaspoon of red wine vinegar
4. 1 Fuji apple
5. 1 AVOCADO
6. 1 green endive
7. ½ lime of juice
8. ½ lb of white meat chicken
9. 1 handful of PINE NUTS
10. 8 Kalamata olives
Step 1
Chop out the core of the apple and then slice into long thin pieces. Cut the stalk off the endive and cut every ¼ inch down. Chop the olives up finely. Halve the avocado, and then cut thin long slices.
Step 2
Marinate the chicken in limejuice and black pepper (approx 10 minutes). Pan-fry the chicken until it cooks all the way through, flipping to cook both sides evenly (approx 5 minutes). Finally, cut the chicken into long thin strips.
Step 3
Throw the apples, endives, olives, pine nuts, avocado and chicken into a big salad bowl.
Step 4
Add the mayonnaise and red wine vinegar and toss it all together evenly. Then serve it up, unless you have already commenced groping your date.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, avocado, bang, black pepper, bum, butt, check out that ass, chicken salad, delicious, derrière, DIY, easy, endive, fuji, game changer, get laid, gourmet, Gourmet Chicken salad recipe, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, khaki cargo pants, kitchen, limejuice, mayonnaise, milk way galaxy, naked, nice ass, pine nuts olives, posterior, recipe, red wine vinegar, seduce, sex, space chickens, spankable, tasty, universe, white meat, yummy, zagat, zorvax | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 27, 2009
One good choke deserves another
Hey, you there! Halt! Step away from the chicken. It didn’t do you no wrong. I can speak as a character witness for the fowl. He ain’t a bad bird. The guy is just a feathered freak doing his thing. There is nothing shameful in doing your thing. Besides, why settle for a night in pummeling that innocent mound when you can be out there getting someone else to choke that bad boy? Trust me when I say both you and your chicken will both be better off for it. Which brings me to this pure unadulterated APHRODISIAC bomb. You are eating a 98.5% payload of vitamins, minerals and phytochemicals to fuel the evening’s cardiovascular requirements. And if that wasn’t enough for you, at no additionally cost, we’ll also throw in an extra kick of sexy time explosion with the spicy aioli to give you a head start in the hot and sweaty department. We here at COOK TO BANG standby our warranty. If you don’t like it, you can return it. We’re THAT confident in our product. Happy munching.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: White wine is a classy touch, especially something dry like Chardonnay
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
2. 1/2 teaspoon of salt
3. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
4. 1 large artichoke
5. 1 lemon cut in half
6. ½ a dried chipotle pepper
7. 1 clove of garlic chopped finely
Step 1
Steam the artichokes on high heat until the artichoke opens up and you can pull out the leaves with ease (approx 35-45 minutes). While they steam, make the sauce in Step 2. When the artichokes are steaming with APHRODISIAC loaded goodness, cut them down the middle slowly. Use a spoon to scoop out the very center where the wispy flowery pieces nest, leaving the artichoke heart intact (the dish’s G spot). Set them on a plate and squeeze one of the lemon halves into open artichoke.
Step 2
Cut up the dried chipotle chili finely. Mix it together with garlic, ½ a lemon, mayonnaise, salt, and cayenne pepper. Refrigerate until the artichoke and your date are ready to rumble.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, cayenne pepper, chipotle, choke your chicken, delicious, easy, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, lemon artichoke, mayonnaise, naked, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, spicy aioli recipe, Steamed artichoke recipe, steamed artichokes, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 11, 2009
Lunch never tasted so egg-cellent!
A few years back I was in the UK for work, but treated it like a vacation. I promised my mother I would look up an old friend of hers, Lady something or other. We met for teatime in her manor outside of London with her daughter in tow. The daughter was in her early twenties and looked like Keira Knightley with a silver spoon shoved way up her bum. The girl was gorgeous, but a far cry from the good time Britons I befriended at a London techno club the previous evening. Little lady spoon-up-her-ass ignored the boorish American eating egg salad sandwiches and charming her mother. After our spot of tea, my mother’s friend instructed her daughter to show me around the grounds of their estate. She reluctantly showed me the horses, emus and llamas, her mother’s prized rose garden and finally the neatly manicured maze. You can tell how rich British person is by the size of their maze. This maze was HUGE. I insisted we venture in and allowed her to lead me through. To this day, I don’t know whether she got us lost on purpose. What I am sure of is that this lady became a tramp away from prying eyes. This girl who had earlier regarded me as less appealing than dogshit on her shoe suddenly pounced on me like a lioness in heat. We returned to the manor tousled with grass stains all over her frilly white dress. She returned to her icy cold robot mode, never mentioning our unmentionable act. I consumed more tea and egg salad sandwiches, which tasted way better post-coitus.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: This is lunch time fare so an iced tea or lemonade, unless you are a three martini lunch kind of guy
Ingredients (for two):
1. 3 eggs
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. ½ a teaspoon of cayenne pepper
4. Salt to taste
5. ¼ lime of juice
6. ½ an avocado (had to throw APHRODISIAC in the mix)
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. 4 slices of bread
Step 1
Get a pot of water boiling and toss the eggs until they are hard-boiled (approx 5 minutes). Place the eggs in a bowl of water and ice to cool them down before you remove the shells.
Step 2
Combine the eggs, green onions, cayenne pepper, salt and limejuice in a bowl. Mix it all up with a fork to smash the eggs into tiny chunks. Your egg salad should have a yellow tinge from the yolks and cayenne.
Step 3
Toast the bread, preferably not too dark. Split up the egg salad between the two slices of toasted bread. Set avocado on top of each, close the sandwiches, split them in half and serve.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, british, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: avocado, bang, bread, cayenne pepper, delicious, easy, egg salad, egg salad recipe, Egg salad sandwich recipe, English, fancy, fast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, lime juice, lunch, mayonnaise, naked, protein, recipe, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, teatime | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 1, 2008
Spicing up the bedroom is key to successful sexual relations. You never want your partner to get bored with your maneuvers between the sheets. They might end up blogging about your short-cummings or jump ship for Craigslist Casual Encounters. Getting upstaged by cyber-players that live in their mother’s basements is never good for the self-esteem. But don’t you dare give up on yourself just yet. Kick-start that faltering tryst with some flavors you already know and love. Below are some delicious twists in foreplay to eat off your play pal:
Only the finest ingredients belong on your lover
FOODS THAT BELONG IN BED:
• WHIPPED CREAM: A true bedroom classic. Need we say more?
• BERRIES: Fruity nipples you can eat artfully off your partner’s reclined body.
• SASHIMI: Subtle flavor, protein-loaded and simulates another lickable treat.
• CHOCOLATE: Melt over your favorite body parts and eat the aphrodisiac off.
• ICE CUBES: Sugar-free hardened nipples.
• POPSICLES: Cold, refreshing, phallic.
• HONEY: Perfect for licking off the naughtier bits.
• WATERMELON: Light, refreshing, organic Viagra substitute.
The tastier side of lust
FOODS TO AVOID:
• SANDWICHES: Breadcrumbs don’t belong between the sheets.
• CLAM CHOWDER: Hot, white and creamy? This ain’t no hardcore porno.
• PIZZA: Hot melted cheese is tasty, but are 3rd degree burns worth it?
• MAYONNAISE: Belongs on a sandwich, not your naughty bits.
• SALAMI: Unless you’re making object porn, just hide your own salami.
• CHILI PEPPERS: Like pouring battery acid down your shorts.
• TACO SALAD: There is nothing less sexy than this culinary abomination.
Avoid foods with less sex appeal than an STD
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SEDUCTION | Tagged: bang, berries, chili peppers, chocolate, clam chowder, delicious, easy, edible, erotic, fluff, food, foreplay, game changer, get laid, gourmet, honey. Watermelon, ice cube, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, lick, mayonnaise, messy, munch, naked, nipples, orgasm, pizza, popsicle, recipe, romance, salami, sandwich, sashimi, SEDUCTION, sex, sexy time, simple, sinful, sushi, taco salad, Whipped cream | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 12, 2008
Melts in your mouth, not in your pants
“Thar she blows!” the pirate screamed out the window of the brothel. The wharf town residents were unaware the mangy marauder was not talking about impregnating a strumpet’s mouth. Rather he was commenting on the fine tuna melt the brothel’s madam prepared from him from the tuna he caught off the bow of his dingy. A fresh tuna melt can indeed take the ordinary sandwich and make it something worthy of jumping ship. This recipe is quick, delicious, but far from fat free. It is comfort food on a higher level and she should be treated accordingly. A gourmet tuna melt works great when you want your game to seem like a coincidence. The appropriate attitude is, “Hey, I throw masterpieces like this together with my eyes closed. It wouldn’t be fair if I actually tried to impress you. Then you’d never leave!” Should this recipe not cause your date melt into the sheets, COOK TO BANG will refund your money back. Oh wait, this site is free. Nevermind. Do you take Monopoly money?
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 albacore tuna steaks
2. ½ a lemon
3. 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise
4. 2 slices of bread
5. 4-10 slices of tomatoes
6. 2 slices of cheddar cheese
7. ½ a sliced avocado
Step 1
Sear the tuna steaks and squeeze the lemon over them. Add pepper for extra flavor. Depending on fresh quality of tuna, you can sear it rare or pink. On a bare bones budget you can substitute a can of tuna, which won’t be half as good or impressive.
Step 2
Coarsely chop the seared tuna steaks and throw into a bowl. Add the mayonnaise and mix together thoroughly. For an additional kick, throw in some fresh dill or tarragon.
Step 3
Spread the tuna mixture evenly over the bread. Place the tomatoes evenly out and crown it with slices of cheddar cheese.
Step 4
Broil the open-faced sandwiches until the cheddar cheese is good and melty. Add slices of avocado over the melted cheese and cut each sandwich in half. Serve on a plate with a salad, French fries or a condom.
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: avocado, bang, bread, broil, cheddar cheese, delicious, easy, gourmet, kitchen, mayonnaise, naked, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinwich, tomato, tuna, tuna melt | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (serves 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 