November 20, 2008
Simple and seductive? You can't beat a beet salad.
A naysayer might claim that beets are a boring vegetable on par with brussel sprouts or kale. Punch this ignoramus in the face because they are clearly ignorant to just how goddamn sexy beets can be. First, beets are an aphrodisiac used since Roman times to increase male virility due to the high boron content. “Take favors in the beetroot fields” was a popular early 20th Century euphemism for visiting prostitutes. Happy ending history aside, beets are amazing for your circulatory system and freshen your breath, which comes in handy for horny people with heart problems and halitosis. But they also taste amazing and with the right combination of foods become an unstoppable force at motivating hanky panky. Goat cheese and beets together form an alliance on par with Hall and Oates or Siegfried and Roy (minus the tiger mauling). They are your friends and allies when it comes to the horizontal mambo. Beet salad is a classy choice for a first date because it’s neither expensive nor expected. It’s refreshing, invigorating and will cue you up for some felating. Combining the salad with a bottle of wine will equate to a sublime time oh so divine.
Ingredients (for two):
1. 1 pear sliced long ways
2. 8 ounces of goat cheese cut into rounds
3. 2 steamed, peeled beets cut into rounds
Step 1
Steam or boil beets until a fork can easily be stabbed through them. Throw the beets into a container filled with ice-cold water and allow them to cool in the fridge for 30 minutes or so. The skin should easily peel off. Cut the beets into rounds.
Step 2
Create stacks of the holy trinity, sandwiching the goat cheese between the beets and pears. Cover them in balsamic vinegar and olive oil and serve. Two or three per plate should suffice for a spectacular starter or a healthy lunch before an afternoon quickie.
1 Comment | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, balsamic vinegar, bang, beet, Beet salad, blood, circulatory system, delicious, easy, game changer, get laid, goat cheese, gourmet, healthy, kitchen, naked, pear, romance, salad, SEDUCTION, sex, simple | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 18, 2008
Vampire proof holiday comfort food
Garlic can kill your game and the plants in your living room if you aren’t careful. Sure the vampires might stay away, but so might your sexy time play pal. But use the right amount and your palette and date will thank you. Garlic can take boring old mash potatoes to a higher plane full of robust flavor and passion. You can cut the garlic bit using buttermilk that will leave your taters velvety and sparkly. This savory side dish can certainly save a main course that resides in Bland City. What better way to impress your new lover’s family during Thanksgiving? You will forever be remembered as that derelict whose only redeeming quality was that killer side dish that outshined their turkey. You might even get invited back next year, with or without their son or daughter. Garlic is also incredibly good for your immune system, which you will need in tiptop condition considering all the banging to be done this holiday season. Should you overdo the garlic, realize you and your date are both stinky, and can make sweet stinky love, relieved to know no vampire will interrupt your tryst. Happy Holidays!
Ingredients:
1. 1 tablespoon salt
2. 1 cup of buttermilk
3. 4 cloves of garlic chopped
4. 1 onion chopped coarsely
5. ¼ stick of butter
6. 7 small red potatoes quartered
Step 1
On medium heat, sauté the garlic, onions and salt in butter until they are soft.
Step 2
Boil a covered pot of water on high heat until it boils. Throw in the potatoes, return it all to a boil, cover and cook for about 15-20 minutes. Use a fork to test if they are cooked through; if the fork easily pierces the potato you are golden. Drain the potatoes in a colander.
Step 3
Combine the sautéed onions and the boiled potatoes. Pour in the buttermilk and blend with a fork, eggbeater or hand blender. Serve up the potatoes as a badass side for Thanksgiving, with pork chops or use as a tasty lubricant.
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, RECIPES, THANKSGIVING | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, buttermilk, carbohydrates, carbs, delicious, easy, garlic, garlic mash potatoes, gourmet, holidays, kitchen, mash, mash potatoes, naked, onions, potato, romance, savory, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, simple, tasty, THANKSGIVING, turkey | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 17, 2008
Grab me, grill me, kill me...with grilled veggies
Long before humans had microwave ovens and George Forman grills, we had fire: beautiful, enchanting, burning fire. Vegetables grilled on an open flame make them fun again. Why boil these bounties of the earth when you can bring the flavor out with fire and chutzpah? And your date will no doubt be impressed by your mastery of the elements. Short of a picky vegan, anybody can eat this fine dish and only a cold-hearted monster could say it sucks. Your bland backyard barbecue has suddenly been legitimized, thus making you the savior, sort of like Jesus, but tastier. Be sure to mention that to your conservative date who hasn’t removed their chastity belt yet. Blaspheme and grilled veggies are sure to win them over. If that doesn’t work, just use reverse psychology asking What Would Jesus Not Do? Amen.
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 2 tablespoons of balsamic vinegar
3. 1 red bell pepper sliced into long thin strips
4. 1 small eggplant cut into large bite size chunks
5. 1 large portabella mushrooms sliced into long thin strips
6. 1 onion sliced into long thin strips
7. 2 tablespoons of goat cheese
Step 1
Place all the chopped veggies into tin foil and pour olive oil over them. Cover the oil-doused veggies with a top tinfoil layer and place in the grill on medium heat. Cook in foil until the veggies soften, then put them directly on the fire until they char slightly.
Step 2
Remove the veggies from the grill. Place them in a pan and drop the goat cheese on top. Pour the balsamic vinegar over the veggies/goat cheese and mix up thoroughly. Serve on a plate with your main course, a grilled halibut or turkey burger perhaps. Just know in your heart that you are a culinary super star and the evening should progress nicely.
1 Comment | GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, RECIPES | Tagged: balsamic vinegar, bang, barbecue, bbq, bell pepper, cheap, delicious, easy, eggplant, goat cheese, gourmet, grilled vegetables, grillin' like a villain, kitchen, naked, olive oil, onion, portabella mushroom, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, veggies | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 16, 2008
Kahlua brownie will make 'em go downie on you
If you are sweet on your sweetheart, use chocolate to seal the deal. Chocolate is an amazingly effective aphrodisiac that gets the heart rate up, increases blood flow and creates a natural feeling of well being, euphoria, and with any luck, wanton lust. Ancient Aztec’s thought it invigorated men and made women less inhibited and they consumed it before battle or intense rounds of sexual activity. Have we learned nothing from history? Do as the Aztec do and do it all night with some natural aphrodisiacs. The fact that it tastes like food reserved for the Gods is beside the point. Take it a step further with Kahlua. The Mexican liqueur makes bad coffee tastes superb, a white Russian worthwhile and stands alone like champ just on ice. Combine chocolate and Kahlua into homemade brownies and you are well on your way to a tasty, triumphant evening. If the magnificent meal you made can’t seal the deal, go for the knockout punch. Hand feed your date a Kahlua Brownie and follow it up with a chocolate flavored kiss. Mmm…
Ingredients (for 2):
1. ½ stick of butter
2. 4 ounces of unsweetened baking chocolate
3. 2 cups of sugar
4. 3 eggs
5. 1 teaspoon of baking powder
6. 1½ cups of flour
7. 1 teaspoon of salt
8. 2 cups of Kahlua
9. ½ cup of shredded coconut
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. In one mixing bowl combine the flour, salt and baking powder and mix together thoroughly. In a second bowl, mix the eggs and sugar together so they are united, like the 13 original US colonies.
Step 2
Use a saucepan to heat the butter and melt down the chocolate. Add 1½ cups of the Kahlua (saving the other ½ cup) and mix until it is one chocolate river of goodness.
Step 3
Bring together the flour/salt/baking power with the egg/sugar and melted chocolate/Kahlua into one big party. Blend it all into a batter and make it all better by adding the shredded coconut. Pour the better batter into a greased baking pan and spread it out evenly.
Step 4
Throw the baking pan in the oven and bake for 35-40 minutes. If you are unsure if it is ready, dip a toothpick into the brownie: if it comes out clean you have yourself bake brownies. Finally, use a brush or flat spoon to spread out the remaining ½ cup of Kahlua and let it settle for 5 minutes into a glaze. Cut the brownies up and serve with milk, ice cream or use them to bribe a cop out of a speeding ticket.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: aphrodisiac, baked, chocolate, coconut, delicious, dessert, eggs, flour, food, homemade, hot, Kahlua, Kahlua brownie, love, lust, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, sexy, simple, sugar, sweet | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 12, 2008
Melts in your mouth, not in your pants
“Thar she blows!” the pirate screamed out the window of the brothel. The wharf town residents were unaware the mangy marauder was not talking about impregnating a strumpet’s mouth. Rather he was commenting on the fine tuna melt the brothel’s madam prepared from him from the tuna he caught off the bow of his dingy. A fresh tuna melt can indeed take the ordinary sandwich and make it something worthy of jumping ship. This recipe is quick, delicious, but far from fat free. It is comfort food on a higher level and she should be treated accordingly. A gourmet tuna melt works great when you want your game to seem like a coincidence. The appropriate attitude is, “Hey, I throw masterpieces like this together with my eyes closed. It wouldn’t be fair if I actually tried to impress you. Then you’d never leave!” Should this recipe not cause your date melt into the sheets, COOK TO BANG will refund your money back. Oh wait, this site is free. Nevermind. Do you take Monopoly money?
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 albacore tuna steaks
2. ½ a lemon
3. 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise
4. 2 slices of bread
5. 4-10 slices of tomatoes
6. 2 slices of cheddar cheese
7. ½ a sliced avocado
Step 1
Sear the tuna steaks and squeeze the lemon over them. Add pepper for extra flavor. Depending on fresh quality of tuna, you can sear it rare or pink. On a bare bones budget you can substitute a can of tuna, which won’t be half as good or impressive.
Step 2
Coarsely chop the seared tuna steaks and throw into a bowl. Add the mayonnaise and mix together thoroughly. For an additional kick, throw in some fresh dill or tarragon.
Step 3
Spread the tuna mixture evenly over the bread. Place the tomatoes evenly out and crown it with slices of cheddar cheese.
Step 4
Broil the open-faced sandwiches until the cheddar cheese is good and melty. Add slices of avocado over the melted cheese and cut each sandwich in half. Serve on a plate with a salad, French fries or a condom.
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: avocado, bang, bread, broil, cheddar cheese, delicious, easy, gourmet, kitchen, mayonnaise, naked, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinwich, tomato, tuna, tuna melt | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 11, 2008
Not so teeny weeny clam linguini
Pasta schmasta. The Italians were on to something akin to the inventing the wheel when they gave the world pasta. Pasta dishes can walk a fine line between outstanding and a sorry excuse for food. It all depends on the scope of your filthy imagination. Ask yourself whether closing the deal is worth the extra $3 for better ingredients. Those who answered “no” should take note that it is far cheaper than hiring a hooker, and with less risk of catching herpes or a shiv in the back. So put the Chef Boyardee back on the shelf and cook like an adult; you might enjoy some post-dinner adult activities (like Parcheesi…in the buff). Take this carb cuisine from flab to fab. Canned clams are cheap and readily available, but your date doesn’t need to know that. Just say you went deep sea diving in shark-infested waters to retrieve the evening meal. You could even impress them with your badass shark bite scar, OR better yet, knock their socks (and underwear) off using this deceivingly simple recipe. This recipe debut was interrupted a few times by a dinner date that couldn’t keep her hands to herself. My lust blinded me to the fact I mistakenly poured the Apple Cider Vinegar instead of olive oil. The result was a tangy compliment to the briny brilliance of the sea. This recipe has since earned itself a permanent place in the COOK TO BANG hall of fame. You’re welcome.
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 8 oz. of dried linguini
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 3 cloves of garlic diced
4. 2 shallots diced
5. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
6. ½ a tablespoon of Apple Cider Vinegar
7. 1 can of minced clams with clam juice
Step 1
Fill a pot full of water and boil on high heat. Allow the water to boil and throw in the dried pasta and boil until al dente (follow box/bag instructions). Pour through a colander and set aside.
Step 2
On medium heat, add the olive oil and sauté the garlic and shallots until they soften and brown. Toss in the tomatoes and the Apple Cider Vinegar and cook down.
Step 3
Pour in the entire contents of the canned clams, especially the milky white clam sauce. Cook the sauce down until the concoction turns into a pinkish color.
Step 4
Toss the al dente linguini with the clam sauce until they are well mixed and heated through. Serve onto plates with a crisp chardonnay, beer or sake. Tastes like triumph.
2 Comments | CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES | Tagged: apple cider vinegar, carboluscious, clam linguine, clams, delicious, easy, garlic, kitchen, linguine, lust, naked, noodles, pasta, quick, recipe, romance, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, shallots, simple, tomato | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 30, 2008
Four slices of fig-tastic cheesy goodness.
Just when your toaster oven thought it was safe from your simple seduction sundries, here comes a kinky quesadilla. Buying the ingredients should be the toughest part. Figs can be pricey, but are technically aphrodisiacs of Biblical significance. But isn’t a night of unspeakable acts worth the effort? These quesadillas also make great appetizers to pre-assemble and take to backyard barbecues, Superbowl parties, or swingers orgies.
Ingredients:
1. 1 medium sized tortilla
2. 4 thin slices of brie
3. 1 tablespoon of fig jam (or sliced figs)
4. 1 handful of crushed candied walnuts
Step 1
Spread the fig jam evenly over half the tortilla, place brie and candied walnuts on the other half, and close together.
Step 2
Place it in toaster oven and cook for dark toast mode or grill in a pan until each side is browned. Cut into four pieces and serve plain, with sliced avocado or with mango salsa.
Leave a Comment » | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, brie, cheese, figs, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, quesadilla, SEDUCTION, toaster, tortilla, walnuts | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 24, 2008
- If this doesn’t get you laid, you might consider a monastery.
Nothing will make your date say, “I’m going to bang them for making the extra effort,” like a delicious dessert to cap off an awesome meal. This recipe has morphed over the years and is always deal closer. Plus you usually have leftovers for those straight out of the fridge with a spoon after marathon sex moments.
Ingredients:
1. 3 apples peeled and sliced thinly like potato chips
2. 1 package frozen blueberries (fresh are always better)
3. 1/2 cup of oats
4. 1/2 cup of brown sugar
5. 1/2 a stick of butter
Step 1
Preheat oven to 375 degree. Grease a casserole dish or baking pan with butter. Then lay out the apple slices and berries evenly through the pan. Sprinkle cinnamon for extra flavor.
Step 2
On low heat, melt the butter in a saucepan. Throw in the brown sugar and stir until it becomes the consistency of gooey molasses. Add the oats and stir so the oats begin to cook and expand.
Step 3
Cover the apple/berry mix with the brown-sugary oats so you have a think crust over the entire dish.
Step 4
Bake in the oven for 45 minutes until the apples/berry appear soft and the crust is a golden brown. Remove from the oven and allow it to cool. Serve with ice cream if things get too steamy.
Variations:
• You can substitute the fruits such as mangoes, bananas, kiwis, but never EVER use orange!
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: a la mode, apple, blueberry, brown betty, brown sugar, crisp, delicious, dessert, ice cream, oats, SEDUCTION, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 24, 2008
- Mambo mango cook to bango
Regular salsa shouts out “yum!” but mango salsa says you’re both, “classy and well-endowed (with ability to cook).” This little condiments can take the mundane like a healthy (boring) baked chicken and make it magical. You can assure that anorexic supermodel that the calories are minimal. Besides, you’ll burn through those calories soon enough, you sex machine.
Ingredients:
1. 1 mango roughly chopped and depitted
2. 1 tomato roughly chopped
3. 1 handful of cilantro roughly chopped, stems removed
4. 1 green onion roughly chopped
5. ½ a lime
6. 1 jalapeño, deveined and deseeded, and roughly chopped
Step 1
Throw the chunks of mango, tomato, cilantro, green onion and jalapeno into a bowl and mix like a champ. Squeeze the lime.
Step 2
Mix vigorously so the ingredients are battered around like a 50’s housewife. Serve with chips, Mexican food, salad, or over fish/chicken.
4 Comments | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, chips, cilantro, healthy, jalepeno, lime, mango, mexican, salsa, SEDUCTION, spicy, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 24, 2008
Flatbread pizza + wine = boom-chicka-wa-wa
This recipe has been an old stand that never fails to make panties drop. It also works great for parties because it’s fast, simple, aesthetically pleasing, low in carbs, and makes you look like America’s Next Top Chef. For some reason, this deceivingly simple dish gets me more props than a high school drama student. You can throw almost any combination of cheeses, meats and veggies to make your own masterpiece, but below is a classic crowd pleaser.
Ingredients:
1. 1 Lavash flatbread
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 handful of spinach
4. 1 half a red pepper sliced thinly
5. ½ a chicken sausage link sliced thinly
6. 1 handful of mozzarella cheese
7. Thin slices of brie (1/4 of a triangle of brie)
Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Drizzle olive oil over the lavash and spread it around evenly.
Step 2
Place the veggies, meat and cheese over the lavash. It’s best to do veggies first, meat second and cheese last to hold your ingredient down. Like a pizza crust, make sure to leave some room around the edges so it’s easy to hold onto.
Step 3
Place pizza in the oven and bake for about ten minutes. The goal is to have the lavash crust golden brown.
Step 4
Remove from oven and chop into 6-8 pieces. One cut long ways and either two or three cuts short ways then serve with a bottle of wine. Go get em, tiger!
Variations:
• Fig jam, brie, thin pear slices, candied walnuts
• Beets, goat cheese, artichoke hearts
Leave a Comment » | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, brie, cheese, fast, flatbread, italian, lavash, mozarella, pizza, sausage, SEDUCTION, spinach, vegetables | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (for two):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 