This salad’s got everything you need for simple satisfaction. I’m talking the whole tit and caboodle. Sure it looks simple, but the flavor shall dance on your tongue and tickle your balls/girly parts. This is a new member of my salad repertoire, but goddamn does it bring out the smiles! Refreshing, light, and totally tasty. Come summertime, you will be glad you have this in your arsenal. Few dishes will refuel as cleanly after sweaty summer sex. You’re welcome! Read the rest of this entry »
So I admit freely that my knowledge of New Zealand is limited to the Lord of the Rings, Flight of the Conchords, and a family friend who renounced his Kiwi citizenship. None of this was going to help the fact that I brazenly invited a cute New Zealand girl I met randomly at a bowling alley bar over for dinner. She believed me when drunkenly I claimed that New Zealand cuisine had inspired my culinary palette. So the gauntlet was thrown down for me to WOW this hopefully kinky kiwi. All my research has turned up was in detail reports about the oppression of the Mauri people, which didn’t strike me as light dinner conversation. So I just bought a bag of kiwi fruit and winged it. After great debate with myself, and with timing running out before she showed up, I decided to make a jam of sorts. I served it with bread, Brie cheese and a New Zealand wine. This winning combination led to a winning combination of positions in the bedroom, invented by the same people that brought us bungee jumping. After that night I vowed never to never confuse Kiwi and Aussie girls again. They hate that. Read the rest of this entry »
What a filthy, no good tart! Strutting itself around unpeeled and sweet to a fault. You’d think this tart would have more manners being of European stock. But clearly all it wants to do is lay about and put itself in any mouth it can find. No doubt, this apple has fallen very far from the tree. But I suppose you think I should just cut it some slack, right? Just let it go while it tarts around on any available plate, being passed around like a marijuana joint at some hippie love orgy? I say hell no! The only solution I have is to cool its jets. I’ll use the only thing I have in my arsenal. Ice cream! That’ll teach it to be so sweet, seductive and bad for me. Just to prove to you I am the bigger man, I’ll take one bite to show the rest of you how to be disciplined. See? One bite and I can say no…all right two bites. Three. Screw it! I’m taking the rest of the tart into my bedroom. But I’m not going to enjoy it! Seriously. I’m eating the rest for it’s own good. Let that be a lesson to the rest of you! Read the rest of this entry »
It’s hard to say no to someone who is fun and young (and legal, obviously). The same goes for a delicious side order liked baked onion rings. These finger foods are lower in fat so it doesn’t feel like a brick floating in your rotting guts. That’s one less reason to not get laid. These will keep you satisfied, but limber enough to make your move. Your date won’t complain about these rings being too oily and ruining their favorite outfit when you put your ungreasy paws all over them. So grope away like Frodo, the Lord of the Onion Rings.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or soda
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. First crush the cornflakes without pulverizing them. Combine together with Cajun seasoning, salt and sugar. In a separate bowl, beat an egg thoroughly. Dip the separated onion rings in the egg and then the cornflake breading.
Lay each dipped onion ring on a greased baking sheet. Throw into the oven and cook until the breading is crispy and clings to the onions (approx 20-25 min). Use a spatula to pry each onion ring off. Serve them up on a plate with your favorite condom-ment or with a SINWICH.
Ever have one of those mornings where you have someone in your bed who you’d like to keep there? The problem is they are hungry, and, if you can get your mind off the next position you want to try, you’d realize you would eat a camel carcass and ask for hot sauce. Making something impressive like pancakes would take forever and delay why you’re making the grub in the first place. Plus your fridge is filled only with condiments, beer and ½ a loaf of half stale bread. This is the perfect time to get your bread buttered. Cinnamon toast to the rescue with 30 seconds of preparation, 3 minutes of toasting, 5 minutes of eating and 45 minutes of headboard banging. Spread and sprinkle, baby!
Spread butter across each slice of bread slice massage oil into taut shoulders. Sprinkle enough cinnamon to leave its mark on the butter, then smother in shiny white sugar.
Slide the ready-to-rock bread into the toaster oven and set to medium/brown and let it roll. You’ll know you’re in the money when the sugar and cinnamon crystallize. Serve that diamond up and enjoy the ride.
I challenge anyone to make these brownies and not succeed in melting the heart of your intended conquest. This dish is so sensual and irresistible that I seduced myself. It was quite the challenge to share it with my date. She couldn’t keep her finger out of my batter and licked my bowl clean. We nearly finished it off before it made it into the oven. Good thing we did because these brownies were radioactive with awesomeness. This is an aphrodisiac double feature with more chocolate than Willy Wonka could pull out of his hat with the antioxidant raspberry remix. Just thinking about these brownies brings a tear to my eyes because I know what dessert in heaven will taste like, minus the annoying harp music. Accept the raspberry brownies into your heart and sing a post-coital Hallelujah!
1. 2/3 cup of baking flour
2. ¼ teaspoon of baking powder
3. ¾ cup of sweet ground chocolate/cocoa (Ghiradelli recommended)
4. ¼ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ a small package of fresh/frozen raspberries
6. 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
7. 1 cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips
8. 1 stick of butter
9. ¾ cup of sugar
10. 2 eggs
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Sift together the flour, cocoa mix, sugar, salt and baking powder. Melt the stick of butter and beat in with eggs and vanilla extract. Mix the eggs/butter combination with the dry cocoa/flour/sugar mix into a batter. Blend in the chocolate chips and you have mind-blowing batter that you can bake or lick off your date’s naughty bits.
Grease that small pan (9 inch square recommended) like its never been greased up before. Pour in half the batter like a pleasure-delaying seduction. Tuck those babe-licious berries into the brownie batter bed before smothering it with the other half of cocoa-laden chaos. Throw the baking pan into the oven and bake for 25-35 minutes. When in doubt, us a toothpick to dip into the brownie: if the pick comes out dry you got yourself a decadent dessert. Allow to cool for 15 minutes, then serve with ice cream, a glass of milk, or with your best deal-closing move.
If you are sweet on your sweetheart, use chocolate to seal the deal. Chocolate is an amazingly effective aphrodisiac that gets the heart rate up, increases blood flow and creates a natural feeling of well being, euphoria, and with any luck, wanton lust. Ancient Aztec’s thought it invigorated men and made women less inhibited and they consumed it before battle or intense rounds of sexual activity. Have we learned nothing from history? Do as the Aztec do and do it all night with some natural aphrodisiacs. The fact that it tastes like food reserved for the Gods is beside the point. Take it a step further with Kahlua. The Mexican liqueur makes bad coffee tastes superb, a white Russian worthwhile and stands alone like champ just on ice. Combine chocolate and Kahlua into homemade brownies and you are well on your way to a tasty, triumphant evening. If the magnificent meal you made can’t seal the deal, go for the knockout punch. Hand feed your date a Kahlua Brownie and follow it up with a chocolate flavored kiss. Mmm…
Ingredients (for 2):
1. ½ stick of butter
2. 4 ounces of unsweetened baking chocolate
3. 2 cups of sugar
4. 3 eggs
5. 1 teaspoon of baking powder
6. 1½ cups of flour
7. 1 teaspoon of salt
8. 2 cups of Kahlua
9. ½ cup of shredded coconut
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees. In one mixing bowl combine the flour, salt and baking powder and mix together thoroughly. In a second bowl, mix the eggs and sugar together so they are united, like the 13 original US colonies.
Use a saucepan to heat the butter and melt down the chocolate. Add 1½ cups of the Kahlua (saving the other ½ cup) and mix until it is one chocolate river of goodness.
Bring together the flour/salt/baking power with the egg/sugar and melted chocolate/Kahlua into one big party. Blend it all into a batter and make it all better by adding the shredded coconut. Pour the better batter into a greased baking pan and spread it out evenly.
Throw the baking pan in the oven and bake for 35-40 minutes. If you are unsure if it is ready, dip a toothpick into the brownie: if it comes out clean you have yourself bake brownies. Finally, use a brush or flat spoon to spread out the remaining ½ cup of Kahlua and let it settle for 5 minutes into a glaze. Cut the brownies up and serve with milk, ice cream or use them to bribe a cop out of a speeding ticket.