October 21, 2009
Get stuffed? Don't mind if I do!
Be ready to feel overshadowed unless you are packing serious heat (in your oven). That ain’t necessarily a bad thing. This banana oozes with chocolate gooeyness. You’re golden so long as you regard this APHRODISIAC overdose as a friend and not foe. You will be hard-pressed not to sing cult-like praises once you take your first bite, or second or third where you stuff it all into your mouth and wish you had made a few extra. There’s a high probability you may forget your date is even there once the gorging begins. But fear not for they will be reacting in a similarly compromising manner so you will be in good company. You will both be locked into an alternate chocolaty universe where you frolic among the folds of strawberry and banana. Unless you ascend to the heavens, you can then ravage each other until the euphoria wears off. Win-win, if you ask me.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Milk or a SMOKING HOT PEPPERMINT FATTY
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 2 bananas
2. 5 STRAWBERRIES
3. 1 handful dark CHOCOLATE chips or shards
4. Powdered sugar (optional and not pictured)
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C. Slice open the top of the banana all the way through to split the meat. Slice the strawberries thinly and stuff into the banana. Stuff the chocolate evenly with the strawberries.
Step 2
Throw the stuffed bananas into the oven and bake until the chocolate melts (approx 40 min). Remove from the oven and sprinkle some powdered sugar if you’re feeling it. Serve up with a spoon. Vanilla ice cream might go nicely with it.
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alternate universe, aphrodisiac, bake, baked chocolate banana recipe, banana, bang, banging, chocolate, cocoa, cult, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, euphoria, foe, food, friend, game changer, get laid, gooeyness, gorging, gourmet, guarantee, heavens, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, overdose, powdered sugar, ravage, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, split, sprinkle, strawberry, stuff, stuff that chocolate banana recipe, sweet, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, win-win, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
October 13, 2009
If they ask "Should I stay or should I go?", just shrug.
Sometimes the f@$%-it-all attitude is the best approach to life. Whether we’re talking dating, cooking or anything that involves sheer pleasure, take a backseat and let it be whatever it will be. I know that may sound difficult when you want something badly. Trust me, I’ve been there and learned late in life the importance of not sweating the details. Heed my advice and settle down, tiger. The eager beaver gnaws on wood and not much else. This breakfast is a perfect metaphor. The previous night I grilled my best SPANK MY HALIBUT yet along with some BOAST THE MOST ASS-PARAGUS for a date in who enjoyed it enough to let me sleep over. Come morning time after my second round of banging the cobwebs out of my eyes, I stumbled casually into the kitchen and made this dish in a matter of minutes. We dined, we banged and I slipped out the door, all at a leisurely pace, yet made it to work…only 15 minutes late!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $3 (plus whatever it cost to make leftovers)
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 tbsp olive oil
4. 3 eggs
5. 4 tbsp SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
6. 2 slices cheddar cheese
7. Leftover GRILLED FISH
8. Leftover ASPARAGUS
Step 1
Beat the salt and peppered eggs.
Step 2
Sauté the chopped leftover asparagus and fish with the olive oil (approx 2 min). Pour in the eggs, but don’t scramble, just let the egg form around the leftovers like a pancake. When the eggs cook through (approx 3 min), chop up the cheddar cheese and toss them on top, turn off the heat and cover, and allow it to melt. Split eggs in half, serve up on plates and throw down some salsa.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: @$%-it-all, asparagus, attitude, bang, banging, bbq, black pepper, breakfast, casual, cheddar cheese, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, fish, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grill, guarantee, halibut, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leftover eggs, leftovers, leisurely, libido, morning, morning sex, naked, olive oil, pancake, recipe, salsa, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, settle down, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 23, 2009
Raw and raunchy is was better than being blah and paunchy!
It has indeed been an oyster filled wonderland here at COOK TO BANG these last few weeks. I would apologize and offer some sort of assurance that something like this will never happen again. But I’m not some sucker embarrassed by the fact that I have a strong passion for sexy foods and sexier times. Oyster are among my favorite ingredients not only for that unique taste and texture, but because you rarely see aphrodisiacs effects demonstrated quite so obviously. You know that when you serve a plate of raw oysters, raunchy things are sure to follow. It’s almost like an unspoken contract two people enter into when the plate of raw goodness arrives at the table. You both accept that any frolicking that follows is not only appropriate, but expected. A word to the unwilling: refuse to eat or order them if you are going to be a prude buzzkill. For the rest of you lovelies, shuck and jive all the way to bed!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or just about any LIBATION LUBRICATION
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ dozen raw OYSTERS
2. 2 tbsp red wine vinegar
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. ¼ lemon
5. 1 pinch BASIL finely chopped
6. 1 pinch onion finely chopped
7. 1 pinch GINGER finely chopped
8. 1 micro pinch CHILI finely chopped
Step 1
Create the oyster dip by mixing the red wine vinegar, onion, ginger, basil, lemon juice, black pepper and chili. Serve up with the raw oysters and let the naughty games begin!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, buzzkill, chili, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frolicking, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, New Orleans, onion, oyster sauce recipe, Raw & raunchy oysters recipe, recipe, red wine vinegar, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, southern, tart, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 21, 2009
Can you fig it? Yes you can! Can we fig it? Yes we will!
As long as you can fig it, we can dig it! At least that’s what Eve told me when I crashed a party at the Garden of Eden. It was a pretty epic throw down with animals of paradise serving up all manner of hors d’oeuvres from the bountiful fruit found in the garden. God was DJ’ing, digging in his crate of music not-yet-invented to keep the party hopping. The best part was that everyone was naked, unaware that their hot bodies were meant to cause them shame. Adam was too busy discussing his odd mass of body hair around his pubic region with my wingman the snake to notice that I had led Eve away to fix her up some food of biblical awesomeness. I gathered all the goods throughout the garden and slapped it together. Did you know English muffins grew on trees before Original Sin? Eve was all about it and more than down to commit sins not yet documented. Post-coital, totally out of breath, Eve was hungry once more. I was on my way out, but my man the snake that just whooped Adam’s ass in a nectar-drinking contest, tossed her an apple as we vanished into history once more.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA or holy water (just add vodka)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise (or your favorite condom-ment)
2. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
4. 1 English muffin
5. 1 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
Step 1
Split the English muffin in half and toast it. Spread a little mayo or the condom-ment that gets you the wettest. Add green onion, tomato, avocado and crown it all with some kick ass figs.
Serve it up to your date and commence with some original sin!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegetarian | Tagged: adam & eve, avocado, awesomeness, bang, banging, basil, bible, biblical, can you dig it?, delicious, DIY, dj, drinking contest, easy, English muffin, fig, Fig sandwich recipe, food, forbidden fruit, fruit, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, god, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, hors d'oeuvres, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, naked, nectar, original sin, pubic hair, recipe, sandwich, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, snake, tasty, toast, tomato, veggies, wingman, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 18, 2009
Shoot em up with aphrodisiac charged slurps!
Ready, aim, fire! KERPLOW! That’s the sound of resistance to your sexy ass being obliterated. Oysters as you well know rev up the engine in your pantalones like filling up a Prius with rocket fuel or feeding a gerbil meth. And combine it with the sweet warm embrace of vodka and you are ready to fucking rumble, I first fell in love with oyster shooters in the Big Easy, New Orleans for you uninitiated. I downed three of them before charging out onto Bourbon Street where Mardi gras madness was on like a very horny Donkey Kong. The seething mass of frat boys and sorostitutes were no match for me. I was suited and booted with oyster power that made me stand out from the crowd of fools. I led one such sorority tramp away from the rest of the Greeks, pounded oyster shots with her and then vanished to my nearby hotel room where we banged each other’s brains out. Things got a little weird after when I forgot her name (Courtney perhaps?), but my libido made up for my apparent disrespect of this Southern Belle, I do declare!
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Eating Buddy: This is best of both worlds: food & booze!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1½ shots ice-cold vodka
2. 4 dashes TABASCO sauce
3. 2 slices lemon
4. 2 raw OYSTERS
5. 2 pinches cilantro chopped finely
Step 1
Remove the raw oysters from the shells and scoop them into the shot glasses. Add the cilantro and lemon, fill up the glasses with vodka, and add a few dashes of Tabasco sauce. Bottoms up…literally!
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: big easy, booze, delicious, donkey kong, food, frat boy, game changer, gerbil, get laid, greeks, guarantee, intercourse, kerplow, kitchen, lemon, libation lubrication, libido, Louisiana, mardis gras, meth, New Orleans, oh boy, Oyster shooter recipe, oysters, recipe, resistance, seduce, SEDUCTION, shoot her, sorostitute, southern belle, Tabasco sauce, tasty, vodka, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 15, 2009
2 sexy, satisfied customers
So upon special request, I am posting these antics from Friday night at a bar in New York. The setting: my birthday in NY with lots of near and dear friends. We were seated next to a fireplace and someone suggested we roast s’mores. Naturally I was challenged to make it happen. So a little tipsy and rather determined, I stepped out into the rainy night at midnight in search of ingredients. The chocolate and cookies (no bodega in NY carries graham crackers) were easy to find. The marshmallows not so much. But resourceful was my middle name and I found a restaurant that serves hot chocolate with marshmallows. They handed me a tub of marshmallows free of charge partly because I am so goddamn charming, but also since it was my birthday and they probably didn’t want a drunk fool scaring the customers. Next I went up to my hotel room, broke a wooden coat hanger for the metal wiring and was back to my friends in 15 minutes. After clearing it with the establishment, we were roasted marshmallows in the fireplace. Women flocked like hipsters to mustache wax. I have discovered the greatest pickup line EVER: “S’mores?” You’re welcome!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes per S’more
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Whatever is in your hand
Ingredients (for 10 happy customers, or 5 greedy ones):
1. 10 marshmallows
2. 1 CHOCOLATE bar
3. Round cookies (graham crackers unavailable)
Step 1
First you need a fireplace in a bar. Next you need track down your ingredients (or come prepared). Find a metal wire or wooden stick and place your marshmallow on the end of it. Roast it to your preferred level of gooeyness (I like mine a little charred). Slap the marshmallow on the cookie, add a sliver of chocolate and VOILA!
If you can’t at least pull a phone number you are a sucka!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SEDUCTION, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bar, bodega, chocolate, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, graham crackers, guarantee, homemade, hotel, intercourse, kitchen, libido, marshmallows, naked, new york, nyc, pickup, pua, recipe, roast, S’mores recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 3, 2009
Pity Party table for one?
No, it’s not your pity party and you can’t cry if you want unless you like public ridicule. So you struck out last night. In spite of your best efforts to woo, you still slept alone last night. Don’t be so mopey. It happens to all of us. A little slump now and again will make you appreciate your mojo all the more. Still, you deserve a little romance. We all deserve to feel special. In sexual bear markets, cook to bang yourself. You know that at least you will put out to you. Cook yourself a fine ass breakfast after a passionate night with that sexy bastard in the mirror. Who loves you?
Total time: approximately 6 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 large pita
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 3 eggs
6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful feta cheese
8. 1 small handful chopped parsley
9. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
10. 1 onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Beat the eggs with salt, pepper and parsley.
Step 2
Sauté the onion in olive oil (approx 2 min). Dump the eggs into the pan and scramble (approx 3 min), crowning it with the feta cheese.
Step 3
Split the pita in half and open up the middle. Stuff half the eggs into each, followed by the tomato and avocado.
Serve these with a side of SALSA if you’re feeling a little caliente.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, greek, healthy, Middle Eastern, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bear market, breakfast, cry if I want to, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, masturbation, mojo, morning, naked, pita breakfast sandwich, pity party pita breakfast recipe, recipe, romance, seduce, SEDUCTION, self pity, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 2, 2009
If you eat-a my pita, I'll gladly reciprocate.
That’s right, you read that right. Eat-a my goddamn pita! I don’t care if it sounds rude. In fact, it is quite the opposite. I’m trying to make sure you eat something nutritious…for a change. Don’t harp on me just because I’m looking out for you. No one else has the courage to set your dumb ass straight. You should be thanking me not only for my kindness, but for this sandwich that’s likely the only calories you consume this week that are nonalcoholic. But now that we got the pleasantries out of the way, bitch, let’s get down the hate-fucking each other before work. Passive aggressive sex with pita sandwiches on the go coming right up!
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Sauvignon blanc or beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 thyme pita pizza
2. 2 tbsp HUMMUS
3. 2 handfuls leftover FISH (salmon in pics)
4. 2 large handfuls romaine chopped coarsely
5. 1 small handful kalamata olives
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 200°F/90°C so you can warm the pita pizza up. Spread hummus over half the pita. Scatter the fish, lettuce and pitted olives evenly. Fold the pita over in half and cut them into two sandwiches.
Serve these as a light dinner or when you’re rushing out the door for a meeting because you dillydallied too long with the hot piece of ass in your bed.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, fusion, healthy, Middle Eastern, SINWICHES | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, delicious, DIY, easy, eat-a my pita sinwich, fast, fish, fold, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hummus, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, leftovers. romaine, libido, naked, nonalcoholic, nutritious, on the go, pita pizza, pita sandwich recipe, recipe, salmon, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 1, 2009
These shrimp are tres tres baba cool. No?
If this recipe title isn’t obvious enough, I was up in French Canada. Just call me the ambassador of morally bankrupt American diplomacy. In other words, I’m your typical ambassador. The fact I wasn’t given a motorcade and a villa with a masseuse and sushi chef is beyond me. So I did what I always, make do in style. I befriended a pair of Salopes at an art gallery who invited me over for a barbecue the next day. A bag of shrimp and I was in the door, rifling through their fridge to make something work. The ingredients below are what they had, and thank god for that! My new friends were impressed. One insisted I stay with her for a few days. Canadian-American relations have never been better.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 onion chopper coarsely
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash red CHILI flakes
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1 dash salt
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 handful parsley chopped
8. 1 lb large SHRIMP in shells
9. ¼ lemon
Step 1
Marinate the shrimp with garlic, lemon juice, salt, paprika, red chili flakes, and 1 tbsp olive oil (approx 10 min).
Step 2
Saute the onions in the remaining olive oil until translucent (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp, spreading them out. Flip the shrimp when they pinken (approx 2 min per side). Throw in the parsley and cook another minute.
Serve these shrimp solo or with a SALAD.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: ambassador, American, bang, banging, barbecue, Canada, delicious, diplomacy, DIY, easy, food, French Canadian, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, masseuse, montreal, motorcade, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, parsley, quebec, recipe, red chili flakes, salope, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, Shrimp scampi recipe, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 28, 2009
The man in the black pajamas makes a mean sandwich. Don't flavor with napalm!
“You want boom boom?” asked two Vietnamese hookers on a moped. I was in Hanoi, trekking around in search of mayhem and kick ass pho (Vietnamese noodle soup). I don’t pay for sex. No offense to those who hire whore now and again. My charm and cooking skills are enough to get girls naked. But these two young trollops were hot and the mathematical possibilities enticing it. So I asked them, “Will you love me long time?” They nodded and beckoned me to get on the back of their motorbike. So I countered, “Are you so horny?” Damn straight they were. The cherry on top was when I asked them to call me “Soldier boy.” One said, “We give you boom boom, soldier boy.” The other added, “Me so horny. We love you long time.” I had a Full Metal Jacket growth in my pants, but contracting GI Joe Kung Fu grip wasn’t recommended in my Lonely Planet guide. So I declined their offer for boom boom. Instead I got this chicken sandwich from a street vendor that was amazing, although not quite as interesting as the international incident I passed up. To all the girls I have banged since…You’re Welcome!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 sandwich rolls
2. 1 tsp lemon juice
3. 1 tsp soy sauce
4. 1 tsp oyster sauce
5. 1 tsp fish sauce
6. ½ onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 carrot sliced thinly
8. 1 tomato sliced thinly
9. 2 chicken breasts
10. 1 handful shredded coconut
11. 1 handful cilantro chopped finely
12. 1 CHILI diced finely
13. 1 tbsp vegetable oil (not pictured, St. Peter has already taken note)
Step 1
Mince the chicken and then marinate with cilantro, chili, onion, coconut, soy sauce, fish sauce, oyster sauce and lemon juice (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Cook the chicken thoroughly with vegetable oil (approx 5 min). Slice open the bread rolls and stuff the chicken into them. Add the tomato and carrot slices and shut the sandwich, soldier boy.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, french, fusion, poultry, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vietnamese | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Asia, bang, banging, carrot, chicken, chili, cilantro, coconut, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, get laid, gi joe, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hooker, intercourse, kitchen, kung fu grip, lemon juice, libido, lonely planet, love you long time, me so horny, moped, motorbike, naked, nam, onion, oyster sauce, prostitute, recipe, sandwich roll, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Soldier boy sinwich, southeast asia, soy sauce, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, viet cong, Vietnam, Vietnamese chicken sandwich recipe, whore, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 