SKEEZER SALAD

May 14, 2015

All hail Caesar Salad!

All hail Caesar Salad!

The classics deserve much props and little improvisation.  You can’t get much more perfect than the Caesar Salad.  Like a great lover, it is crisp, moist and creamy in all the right places.  No wonder this salad is so universal on plates across the world.  Now is your chance to wow even the most discriminate date with this simple DIY Caesar Salad from scratch.  Once you make this ridiculously easy salad once, sequels by the dozen are sure to follow.  This salad works perfectly as a starter before a blow-their-mind entrée, or can stand alone as a lunch.  It was the perfect follow up course to the sultry French Onion Soup I served.  Naturally, my date was satisfied to her core with such simplicity.  She pounced like a wildcat before I could even finish.  My only regret is that the lettuce wilted before I could eat the rest.  I can always make more and more and more. Read the rest of this entry »


WAFFLE PARTY USA

February 25, 2015
This waffle party is like the firework grand finale in your mouth.

This waffle party is like the firework grand finale in your mouth.

Celebrate American Independence from those tax-collecting limeys.  Those redcoats just took and took and never bothered to give their colonists a reach around.  King George shouldn’t have been surprised when they stopped sucking him off with a smile.  Perhaps if the British were more inclined to reciprocate with the oral gratification Washington, Jefferson, Franklin, and the rest of their posse wouldn’t object to being colonial fluffers.  But alas, history unfolded and now the yanks are free from British money shots splattering their bespectacled, wig-wearing faces.  If not the taxes and tariffs, chances are the Yankees would have rebelled against the piss poor British cuisine.  So celebrate Independence Day with a distinctly American dessert.  Oh say can you see? Read the rest of this entry »


ORAL TATER-SPLOSIONS

February 16, 2015
oral tatersplosions served

This recipe will self-destruct in 10 seconds…after you bang like a champ!

These potatoes are not unlike Inspector Gadget’s self-destructing mission assignments.  But instead of them blowing up and you get saliva across your face instead of soot.  These bad boys pack a walloping 1-2-3 punch of tasty, decadent flavor.  They are not for the pantywaists concerned about too much flavor overwhelming the subtlety of the evening.  Not on my watch!  Like Inspector Gadget, and really his dog Brain who did everything, I am working with a shadowy government organization seeking to rid the world of flavor.  That is where these potatoes come in.  It’s our secret weapon against those who would remove any remnants of toe-curling pleasure you could eke out of dining.  If we let them win now, who’s to say what they could next. Soon enough they’ll be taking away our love of banging! Glenn Beck should be all up in their tits.  Who’s the real American hero now, crybaby? Read the rest of this entry »


CAPABLE MAPLE SQUASH

January 5, 2015

You are capable of anything and everything. I believe in you!

Achieving goals comes down realizing you are capable of anything with enough effort, planning and luck.  That is especially true when it comes to banging.  Too many suckers assume they are incapable of pulling some prime tail because they’re not rich or handsome or funny.  Those are all excuses that make you part of the beta majority.  Be bold!  I approach everything from my career to my food to my women with bravado and swagger.  Fuck the critics (I have many) who say it’s better to give up and accept the 2nd place fruit basket!  Take this recipe.  I felt like I hit my culinary creativity wall the other night.  A new girl was en route to my house and I hadn’t figured out yet how to knock her socks (and panties) off with my grub.  I’m not about to let me rep as Mr. Cook To Bang suffer so I went big. I grabbed random ingredients to create what my instincts were telling me would be outstanding.  It was the right call.  My date had never eaten anything like it.  The spicy, sweet combination got her sweating long before I closed the deal.  She was incapable of saying no. Read the rest of this entry »


PUMPKIN SEEDS OF SEDUCTION

December 5, 2014

Reap the harvest you sow in your date’s loins!

Or was that destruction?  These toasted pumpkin seeds will no doubt help get your seduction going; any resistance to your charms will be obliterated.  Crunchy, spicy, and totally thrilling.  What a perfect use for ingredients most folks toss away with less concern than for a used condom.  Tis unfortunate because pumpkin seeds can provide a great nibble while you whip up the rest of your feast.  That way you won’t leave your culinary conquest chomping at the bit.  They will be satisfied from the get go with your amazing kitchen feats.  So long as you follow them up with a little razzle-dazzle on a plate, you will have succeeded at planting the seeds of seduction that will sprout from their mouth all the way down to their loins. Read the rest of this entry »


PITY PARTY PITA PIZZA

February 28, 2014
Where the party at?  In your pants of course!

Where the party at? In your pants of course!

Wondering where the party’s at? It’s wherever the hell you are at any given moment. You could walk into a nursing home and suddenly the geriatrics would be break-dancing and popping wheelies in their wheelchairs. Sound good? In order to make that shit happen, you better bring your A-game. That means throwing down something delicious, even it’s simple enough to assemble in total darkness underwater (not an ideal setting to cook, btw). So what is your lazy ass waiting for? Forget all the effort required to make pizza dough. Grab a big ass pita and make a big ass, booty-shaking pizza party for two…or more. Read the rest of this entry »


MISO RAD & SHIT RADISHES

February 24, 2014

Miso ready to get randy with these radishes!

Not to sound like a braggart, but I am so rad and shit.  At least that’s what my neighbors’ teenage son told me when I explained the Cook To Bang method.  This poor misguided kid figured wearing moppy hair and hipster pants that cut off circulation to his free will would get him chicks.  ‘Fraid not, Fredo!  The only thing that will make girls notice you is indifference and brash confidence.  Once you have that, allow them to come over to your house, and wow the shit out of them with some food you happened to throw together. This kid has grown up watching my dinner guests leave the next the morning in the same clothes figured I might know what I’m talking about.  So my young protégé has been putting my methods to the test. Now I’m starting to notice a series of girls coming in and out of his place after school while his parents are working.  I might have created a monster.  Hopefully his parents won’t blame me if he knocks one of these princesses up.  One thing’s for sure, these radishes went from meh to rad and shit. Read the rest of this entry »


PEACE-ZA IN THE MIDDLE EAST

November 30, 2013

All we are saying is give pizza a chance.

Ever had someone tell you that they won’t bang you until there is peace in the Middle East? That is essentially the sugarcoated version of “when Hell freezes over”. Now’s your chance to be a real world hero and bang the long shot. All you have to do is unite the warring cultures with a little nosh using ingredients they all know and love. Make enough of these suckers and serve them to the leaders of said opposing forces at the table of brotherhood. By the first slice, they will warm up to their neighbor. Once they get their fill, the concessions will be flying like articles of clothing onto your bedroom floor. The UN will just have to wait for you to get done banging to award you with a platinum-plated Lamborghini. Read the rest of this entry »


TOMATILLOS PARA MIS AMIGOS BENEFICIOS

July 25, 2013
Roast them, eat them, do not fear them

Roast them, eat them, do not fear them

Title translation: “Tomatillos for my friends with benefits”. Cook To Bang firmly stands behind our willingness to reach out and touch the sexy people of all nations and languages.  I’m not only a representative of international culinary seduction, I’m also a client.  Hence the multinational recipes, which truly give you BANG for your buck. Tomatillos are a piece of produce too often overlooked.  No doubt, I have walked past them in my local bodega wondering, “What’s with those green tomato thingees wrapped in their own leaves? I shall deny their existence just as I deny that there is an alien living in my basement that watches reality TV all day.  Sorry, Roger.”  Luckily I managed to break down my fear of the unknown because I had a date coming over who had already tried a good portion of my edible arsenal.  So on a hope and a prayer to one of Roger’s alien gods, I got down to business and made up something random, loading it with surefire aphrodisiacs.  Wouldn’t you know it, my date was rather impressed with my latest efforts and showed it via some new moves she learned watching Animal Planet.  We may have freaked Roger out with our inhuman grunts, but he’s a guest in my house.  So tough titties, you alien freeloader! Read the rest of this entry »


SUGAR DADDY COOKIES

February 13, 2013

Sugar mamas are also welcomed to slang cookies a la Cook To Bang

Calling all dudes! Here’s your chance to be a sugar daddy without tapping out your bank account. There’s no need to drop mortgage payments at clubs on bottle service, 10-course French dinners, or the shoe store. Instead steal their hearts and undergarments with your creativity and resourcefulness. Isn’t that why we Cook To Bang? I’m a sugar daddy that slangs sweet treats. Pass these out to one or all twelve of your sweetums. Each will be touched by your thoughtfulness and darling gesture. Who’s your daddy now, ladies? Read the rest of this entry »