May 18, 2015
This egg dish brings out the whore in anyone.
Who said breakfast can’t be quick, cheap and gourmet? These purveyors of untruths are likely terrorists or, at the very least, buzz kills. Ignore these fools for they know not what they say. Prepare to class up the morning after tainting it with unmentionable activities that would make the church ladies blush. Eggs Whorentine to the rescue! It’s got all the sexiness of Eggs Benedict, but with the spinach power of Popeye. Let your breakfast speak for itself when you have a sleeping beauty in your bed. Sure she/he is eager for you to report for duty, but damnit, you just gave them good loving and need a recharge. That’s where the protein in the eggs, carbohydrates of the English muffin and the famed Popeye power of spinach keep you going long and strong. Your first bite will send steam out of your ears and you’ll both be off for the next round and round. Toot toot! Read the rest of this entry »
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MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, breakfast, delicious, easy, eggs, eggs Florentine, Eggs Florentine recipe, English muffin, fancy, Florentine, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, hollandaise, hollandaise sauce recipe, intercourse, kitchen, morning, naked, poached, recipe, romance, sauté, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach, toast | 
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Posted by cooktobang
February 25, 2015
Make sure they’re on their knees begging before serving them what they want.
They’ll beg and beg and beg. Let them. It’s only natural. They want what you got. Basic law of supply and demand. Make like OPEC fixing the price of your commodities. Make outrageous demands they have no choice but to meet. It’s not like they can go elsewhere. Right? You’re wondering about alternative sources of sexual energy? Ha! There is no substitute for the man tested, woman approved real thing. 4 billion years of Earthlings banging can’t be wrong. So embrace the goods granted to you by God, evolution or your preferred “Where did we come from?” dogma. Now make them beg long and HARD. Afterwards, serve them breakfast as a reward for the respect shown. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bacon, bang, banging, basil, beg a dick, breakfast, butter, cayenne pepper, dairy, delicious, dijon mustard, DIY, dogma, early, earthlings, easy, eggs, eggs beg-a-dick, eggs benedict recipe, English muffin, evolution, food, game changer, get laid, god, gourmet, gourmet eggs benedict, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, morning, MORNING WOOD, naked, oil, opec, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sunrise, supply and demand, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2015
He will massage your mornings and satiate your soul.
Your mornings will never be the same once Mr. Morning Magic Hour takes control. He is sure to wow and might even sing opera classics if you ask nicely. The date you hosted is catching up on asleep after an exhausting night of physical activity. You wore ‘em out being incendiary in the sack. Your plan is to keep it going all afternoon and into the evening, but you both need fuel for that triumph. So bring the delectable lunatic lothario out of retirement and serve him up on a plate. Sure you could serve the same ingredients on a plate without the face, but why? You might as well become a eunuch and expire watching CSPAN. Bring some flare back to breakfast and let Mr. Magic out of his cage. AVE MARIA!!! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | RECIPES | Tagged: avocado, bacon, bacon mustache, bang, bread, breakfast, breakfast face, butter, cspan, delicious, DIY, early, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, immature, intercourse, kitchen, kiwi, lothario, morning, Mr. morning magic hour, naked, parsley, recipe, seduce, sex, silly, sustenance, tasty, toast, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 29, 2014
Rock it all night long, til the break-a-break-a-dawn-let!
The butt crack of dawn will reveal its cruel self after you’ve been up all night dancing the horizontal mambo. But shame mixed with glee over the unspeakable acts of last night will subside when you take control in the kitchen. Sure you are short on sleep and long on orgasms. Your day may be shot being a productive worker bee turning society’s cogs. But don’t give up on today. Those bleary-eyes should see a world full of possibilities and reassessed plans. Get yourself the right nutrients and you can push right on through into the evening, banging all the way. Nothing says, “Good morning, now let’s get back to bed!” like an omelet. It’s got protein, veggies and the challenging flip that will fuel your body so you can break yet even more of God’s laws. Remember that in the name of banging, sometime you have to crack a few eggs. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | french, fusion, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: bacon, bacon pear mushroom brie omelet recipe, bang, banging, black pepper, breakfast, brie cheese, dawn, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, god, good morning, gourmet, gourmet omelet recipe, guarantee, homemade, horizontal mambo, intercourse, kitchen, libido, meat, milk, morning, mushrooms, naked, nutritious, olive oil, pear, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, sunrise, tasty, til the break of dawn-let recipe, veggie, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 17, 2014
Even prissy vegans can indulge in this walk on the wild side.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. At least that is what nutritionists keep telling me. Perhaps these know-it-alls with their charts and lab coats and rosy cheeks are right. Filling your gullet with kickass nutrients prepares you for any crazy $%&@ thrown your way. Eat a solid breakfast and you will be able to catch a blimp on fire hurtling down to the earth with your pinkie finger. Sounds about right. So here’s an uber-healthy recipe with protein to the extreme with plenty of fiber and lycopene without that Fatty McGee you get with scrambling eggs. You will be prepared to stop a flamingo stampede heading straight for a bus full of kindergartners, or at the very least, Cook and Bang your date from last night like a superhero. Now you just have to work on your secret identity, you Sex Crazy Mofo! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, healthy, Japanese, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, blimp, breakfast, delicious, DIY, easy, firm tofu, flamingo, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, low fat, lycopene, morning, MORNING WOOD, naked, nutritionist, nutritious, onion, protein, recipe, seduce, sex, sex crazy mofo, superhero, tasty, Tofu scramble recipe, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 2, 2014
There ain’t nothing awful about these waffles
There’s something glorious about stuffing one’s mouth with something hot, sticky and delicious. Close your eyes and experience Shangri La as the sweet and subtle flavors swirl around your taste buds like a Brazilian capoeira dancer. Each mouthful is a unique snowflake of flavor, texture and subtlety. Take your time down there. Enjoy the ride and be precise with your oral actions. Be careful not to rush through because then no one will get their culinary rocks off. That is the art of making waffles awesome rather than awful. Sure you could toast up a frozen Eggo and be done with it. But that’s like settling for watching porn when you have a porn star signaling you to bed. The extra effort is always worth it and will pay off in dividends when it’s time to consummate. So indulge yourself when the weekend rolls around. Take your time to surprise that slumbering sexpot who blew your mind and a few other things last night and twice this morning. They are worth it and so are you. A word of caution: waffles are sexy, but not when stuck to your bed sheets. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: baking powder, bang, berries, blueberries, blueberry waffle from scratch, Blueberry waffles recipe, brazil, brazilian, breakfast, brunch, butter, capoeira, cinnamon, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, eggo, flour, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, maple syrup, margarine, milk, morning, MORNING WOOD, naked, porn, porn star, powdered sugar, recipe, sex, Shangri la, sugar, sugary, sweet, tasty, waffle, weekend, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 25, 2014
This dish's sexy quotient runs deeper than the Rio Grand
Hola, muchachos! So it’s breakfast once again. You’re ready for enough sustenance to satisfy the biggest machismo tough guy, but delicate enough to seduce the daintiest of conquests. Good thing you have juevos grande…rancheros of course! This classic Mexican desayuno is packed to the brim with black bean APHRODISIAC goodness, loaded with protein egg power and filled with veggie delights to keep you banging for years to come. Your date’s health can only improve with you in their life because making a dish like this is incredibly thoughtful. Well played! I prepared this meal for a senorita of my own who was surprised that a gringo was able to serve up authentic juevos rancheros. They were nearly as tasty as the siesta we took after breakfast. Adios, mi amigos! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, mexican, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, black beans, breakfast, cilantro, corn tortilla, delicious, desayuno, easy, eggs, fancy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, jack cheese, Juevos grande rancheros recipe, juevos rancheros, juevos rancheros recipe, kitchen, manana, mexican, mexico, morning, naked, onion, recipe, romance, salsa, SEDUCTION, sex, Texas, tomato | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 8, 2013
Smoothee Operator. You’re a Smoothee Operatorrrrrrrrr!
Ever find yourself vexed with the choice of either eating breakfast or morning sex before work? I usually go for the latter. But why limit yourself when you can do both? Smoothees are a kick-ass kick-start to a kick-in-the-nuts day. With practice, you can blend on up, pour it in a to go cup, and be out the door in under a minute. If that isn’t reason enough, consider the health benefits. The fruit’s antioxidants nourish your mistreated body and give you a healthy jolt far healthier than coffee or tea. Protein powder will keep you sharp and satiated until lunch, and also give the male libido an extra push. Did I mention the aphrodisiac elements? Making a smoothee from home also makes economic sense too rather than paying a smoothee shop like Jamba Juice $6 a pop. But you already know that because like Sade says, “You’re a Smooth(ee) Operator.”
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $8 (with repeats in your future)
Drinking Buddy: Vodka mixed in, but only on weekends
Ingredients (for 2 smoothees):
1. 1 scoop of protein powder (optional)
2. 3 cups of your favorite juice (mine is blueberry)
3. 1 tablespoon of yogurt (optional
4. 1 handful of fresh/frozen mango chunks
5. 1 handful of fresh/frozen blackberries
6. 1 banana
Step 1
Throw all the ingredients in the blender in this order: banana, blackberry, mango, juice, and lastly yogurt if you so desire.
Step 2
Blend the shit out of the fruit until it all forms one sexy red color. If you want the extra umf, throw in the protein powder now and blend that too. Pour into cups, down them like a champ and get on with your morning, especially if that means getting it on.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: banana, bang, blackberry, breakfast, breakfast drink, delicious, easy, fast, food on the go, Fruit smoothee, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, juice, jumpstart, kinky, kitchen, mango, morning, MORNING WOOD, naked, post-coital, protein, protein powder, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, smoothie, to go, wake me up, yogurt | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2012
Turn the key and turn them on!
Sometimes banging someone is a struggle to achieve from the get go. Whether they have morals, romantic notions, or are gold diggers that expect a signed contract allocating your internal organs, it can be a pain in the ass. Wouldn’t it be much easier if said piece of ass would open with a simple twist of the key? My thoughts exactly. So I locked myself in the CTB R&D lab for months trying to figure out the formula to turn any meal into a panty skeleton key, but alas I was foiled. But during the course of my CTB travels, I stayed at one such challenge’s home. While she was at work, I rummaged through her kitchen and shopped for a few extra goodies. When she came home on her lunch break, I had this sandwich waiting for her. Let’s just say she was a little late to work and had to explain a questionable stain on her pantsuit. These pics are the meal I made that cracked the code…and bed frame. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, MORNING WOOD, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, baguette, bang, banging, breakfast, cayenne pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gold diggers, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Italian parsley, kitchen, lab, libido, morning, naked, olive oil, pantsuit, panty skeleton key, r&d, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomato, turkey breakfast sandwich recipe, turkey burger patty, Turkey turnkey sexfast sinwich, turnkey, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 24, 2010
This Bellini for me? Ain't you a pureed peach!
Most of us can’t claim to have a 100-foot yacht, 10 personal assistants, and our own private island. That privilege belongs to me. These lavish riches are made possible by blogging about cooking and banging in my drafty garage. Sorry, suckers. But fear not, for you can simulate this dilettante existence with a few simple adjustments: Cook with real potatoes rather than microwave tater tots you bought with food stamps; light your dining room table with candles instead of your Winnie the Pooh nightlight; make a classy drink from scratch rather than drink 3 bottles of Night Train in front of the Home Depot. Easy enough even if you don’t light your Cuban cigars with $100 bills like me. May I introduce this bubbly taste of class known to the civilized world as the Bellini? It’s like a Mimosa remix that keeps them coming back for seconds, thirds and their tenth glass. And what perfect timing with Valentines Day around the corner! Serve this with dessert or the morning after following a night of carnal consummation. You could also just pour it all over your naked body and invite your sweetie to lick you clean. Regardless, know that you are in fact a peach. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, libation lubrication, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, alcoholic, bang, bellini, Bellini recipe, breakfast, brunch, bubbly, carbonated, champagne, classy, delicious, dessert, DIY, drink, drunk, easy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, naked, party, peach, peach bellini recipe, puree, recipe, romantic, sauce, saucy, seduce, sex, strawberry, tasty, valentines day, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 