Few desserts guarantee fornication like chocolate-dipped strawberries. You have the chocolate/strawberry APHRODISIAC element right off the bat. But there is so much more to this seductively simple dessert. These berries take champagne to places you usually experience behind closed doors. All the better for setting the stage for seduction. Be sure to follow the unwritten rule that you never stuff a chocolate-dipped strawberry in your own mouth. Let your date feed you and return the favor. Play your cards right and the berries will be the first of many things you put in your date’s moth. My first dance with chocolate-dipped strawberries took place in a hotel room with my college girlfriend at the time. I found it odd that her sorority sister was there too. But when the girls started feeding each other I knew this was my anniversary gift. I savored every last morsel of sweet satisfaction. The strawberries were also quite good. Read the rest of this entry »
Most of us can’t claim to have a 100-foot yacht, 10 personal assistants, and our own private island. That privilege belongs to me. These lavish riches are made possible by blogging about cooking and banging in my drafty garage. Sorry, suckers. But fear not, for you can simulate this dilettante existence with a few simple adjustments: Cook with real potatoes rather than microwave tater tots you bought with food stamps; light your dining room table with candles instead of your Winnie the Pooh nightlight; make a classy drink from scratch rather than drink 3 bottles of Night Train in front of the Home Depot. Easy enough even if you don’t light your Cuban cigars with $100 bills like me. May I introduce this bubbly taste of class known to the civilized world as the Bellini? It’s like a Mimosa remix that keeps them coming back for seconds, thirds and their tenth glass. And what perfect timing with Valentines Day around the corner! Serve this with dessert or the morning after following a night of carnal consummation. You could also just pour it all over your naked body and invite your sweetie to lick you clean. Regardless, know that you are in fact a peach. Read the rest of this entry »
This sleepover is going to be so much fun! Pillow fights, girl talk, pranks calls. Wait! You mean YAKISOBA SLEEPOVER is just a sexy name for a noodle dish? Boy am I embarrassed. But I’m not too embarrassed to tell you about my take on this classic Japanese street food. Yakisoba is found all over Japan served at festivals and consumed en masse by the military. The ramen us poor folk know and love originated from this classic. Now is your chance to bring the gourmet back into this metropolitan street food. This dish is fast, easy and cheap. No wonder it’s served on noodle carts outside of subways. But your date doesn’t need to know that. Be sure to make a grand deal out of this classy culinary creation as if you learned the recipe from a monk on top of mount Fuji. Perhaps the knowledge on how to conjure up this ethereal edible rests only with you. You are the chosen one and your date will no doubt recognize this when they take their first bite. Sounds like the sleepover is back on thanks to the flavor explosion and ginger aphrodisiac. Domo arrigato! Read the rest of this entry »
Grilled salmon sandwiches WILL get the attention of just about anyone you care to engage in hanky panky. Give them the unexpected and they shall swoon. At least that is what I find every time I try something new or unusual. Even if you crash and burn, brownie points will be yours. But alas, I vouch for this recipe as “a friend of mine” in the mob tradition. This recipe is worthy of putting my life on the line. I have no quarrels with saying, “Yes, you may shoot me in the face if you don’t like it”. Sock-it-to-me! Read the rest of this entry »
I hear it’s pretty hard to get rid of crabs. But not so when you have a dip this deceptively simple. This is a perfect fast snack that screams out that you are one classy bastard. Serve this up with the beverage of your choice and take the date from conversation to heavy petting by their third bite. You can pull it off in two bites if you hand feed them. So what are you waiting for slacker? Slack off all the way into their pantalones!
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine or a CHASING GINGER TAIL
1. 1 box of round crackers
2. 2 tablespoons of cocktail sauce
3. 1 brick of cream cheese
4. 1 small can of CRAB MEAT
Spread cream cheese around the edges of a deep bowl. Drain the crab meat and then rub it evenly into the cream cheese. Scoop the cocktail sauce and rub it evenly into the crab. Create a wheel of crackers and place the dip bowl in the middle. Drag the crackers along the edge of the bowl and scoop yourself up some good times.
This Thai curry dish is like a hot night of indiscretion in the steamy city of Bangkok. That’s where I first had a dish at a small restaurant right off of PatPong 2 before witnessing the seedier side of Southeast Asia. So delicious and decadent. Curry can be a little dangerous and on the edge, like watching a tiger cage fight while telling the lady boys that you are not interested in boom boom tonight. Welcome to the spicy side of COOK TO BANG. You will instantly become the bad boy or girl that your date’s parents warned them about. They will sweat before you even touch them. If you have that kind of effect with your food, your date can only assume that the night will only get steamier. Yes, indeedy. So relax and enjoy the happy ending.
Total time: approximately 35-45 minutes
Projected cost for ingredients: $10
Drinking buddy: Beer, Thai or Indian
1. 1 tablespoon of flour
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. 1 cup of coconut milk
4. 2 teaspoons of curry paste (1 teaspoon of curry powder)
5. 1 teaspoon of oyster sauce
6. 1 tablespoon of rice vinegar
7. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
8. 1 large eggplant cut into bite-sized pieces
9. 1 handful of mushrooms cut
10. 1 pound of chicken cut in bite-sized pieces
11. ½ a lemon
12. Meat of 1 mango sliced and diced
13. 1 yellow bell pepper cut into bite-sized pieces
14. 1 handful of cilantro
15. 4 green onion chopped coarsely
16. 3 garlic cloves minced
Step 2 (Skip this step if you want to make it vegetarian)
Marinate the chicken in the rice vinegar, soy sauce and lemon. After 15 minutes, use 1 tablespoon of olive oil and cook the chicken until the meat turns white. Set aside.
On high heat, use the remaining and sauté the garlic and green onions. After a minute add the mango and cook it down. Throw in all the remaining vegetables except the eggplant and cook for another two minutes until the veggies soften. Now add the eggplant and cook until they soften and absorb the mango/garlic.
Pour the curry sauce over the veggies and stir thoroughly, making sure the eggplant has softened considerably. Toss in the chicken and mix it all together with the veggies and curry sauce. Cook another minute to ensure the flavors all absorb before serving over rice with some beer.
No pasta dish is truly complete without garlic bread. It’s like getting down without your lover going down on you. Sure the job gets done, but there’s always a part of you longing for a little oral objectification. Half-assing your meal is like half-assing foreplay, which could lead to dire consequences like a cold shower and possible rumors of small-endowment. Plus there’s no need to be unsatisfied by your meal when garlic bread is so simple and inexpensive to create. A few slices, spreads and baking later and you are in business. Use the bread to mop up that tasty sexy sauce you whipped up. Lick the plate clean in preparation for the thorough licking you will enjoy later.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost for ingredients: $3
Melt the butter in a saucepan and cook in the garlic until it goes white (approx. 1 minute). Pour the garlic butter into a container and put in the fridge to cool and harden slightly (approx 15-20 minutes).
Cut slices into the baguette leaving some of the bottom crust attached. Spread a small amount of garlic butter between each slice. Place a slice of tomato between the bread slits. Grate parmesan a top the baguette.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Wrap the bread up in tinfoil and throw in the oven for 15-20 minutes. The top of the bread will be brown, the tomatoes soft and the cheese melty on top. Serve with pasta of your choice and accept you are probably getting laid tonight.
“Ave Maria!” you sing from the plaza of the Italian village. Your intended conquest comes out onto the balcony to gaze down at the lust in your eyes. You continue with your falsetto, beckoning your lovely to join you for a magnificent meal that will knock their socks and knickers off. They will smell the slow cooked perfection of this hearty, meaty dish from the “old country” and naturally follow you like a lemming on its way to an orgy. This is the power of great Italian food. The Italians pay such keen attention to the details whether it’s their fine tailored clothes or renowned culinary creations. Why should you treat the food any differently? You may or may not be Italian, but that doesn’t mean you should boil spaghetti and cover it with sauce from a jar. Cooking without passion is like banging without an orgasm. There is really no point. Don’t waste your date’s time or your charm on forgettable food. This dish is guaranteed to spice up your night. COOK TO BANG is not responsible should your lover scream aloud, “Mama Mia!”
Total time: approximately 1-3 hours depending on level of perfection desired
Projected cost for ingredients: $15 (still cheaper than a restaurant, many ingredients will last many more meals, and there will be leftovers)
1. ½ cup of red wine
2. 1 tablespoon of salt
3. 1 28oz. can of crushed tomatoes
4. 1 tablespoon of crushed red pepper flakes
5. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
6. ½ cup of heavy cream (optional)
7. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey
8. 2 pork or chicken sausage links chopped into bite-sized pieces
9. Parmesan cheese
10. 2 handfuls of thinly sliced mushrooms
11. 2 carrots peels and shredded
12. 5 celery stalks chopped
13. 1 red onion minced
14. 1 pound pack of spaghetti
15. 5 garlic cloves minced
Turn the stove on to medium heat. Heat the olive oil in a large stockpot and throw in the garlic and onions and cook until they are translucent. Throw in the mushrooms, carrots and celery and cook the veggies down, adding the crushed red pepper flakes for spice (adjust to your preference: ½ tablespoon = snore, 2 tablespoons = hot damn!).
Add the ground meat and sausage to the stockpot, mix it up with the veggies and cook until the meat turns grey. Pour in the red wine and cook until the liquid dissolves.
Boil water in a separate pot and cook the spaghetti al dente.
Pour the crushed tomatoes into the stockpot with the veggies and meat and mix together thoroughly. Bring it all to a boil, then turn the heat down to its lowest setting and cook for 1-2 hours, occasionally stirring or adding water when sauce becomes too thick. If desired, stir in the heavy cream a few minutes before you are ready to eat and allow the sauce to thicken. Now serve the sauce over spaghetti with garlic bread and a bottle or red wine. Sing falsetto as you present the food if possible.
Ever have one of those mornings where you have someone in your bed who you’d like to keep there? The problem is they are hungry, and, if you can get your mind off the next position you want to try, you’d realize you would eat a camel carcass and ask for hot sauce. Making something impressive like pancakes would take forever and delay why you’re making the grub in the first place. Plus your fridge is filled only with condiments, beer and ½ a loaf of half stale bread. This is the perfect time to get your bread buttered. Cinnamon toast to the rescue with 30 seconds of preparation, 3 minutes of toasting, 5 minutes of eating and 45 minutes of headboard banging. Spread and sprinkle, baby!
Spread butter across each slice of bread slice massage oil into taut shoulders. Sprinkle enough cinnamon to leave its mark on the butter, then smother in shiny white sugar.
Slide the ready-to-rock bread into the toaster oven and set to medium/brown and let it roll. You’ll know you’re in the money when the sugar and cinnamon crystallize. Serve that diamond up and enjoy the ride.
Come taste the flavor of the Carribean in winter time. This sandwich is like a vacation for your mouth complete with steel drums and Bob Marley crooning softly in your head. Mango seems to make just about everything tastier and provides some much needed Vitamin C. The chicken will come to life like a sex-crazed bird when the mango gets done with it. The reasons go beyond scientific explanation. Your date will be impressed that you are worldly enough to have thought of such a novel flavor combination. And with good reason. Perhaps you can explain that you discovered this recipe while you were touring with Burning Spear or the Wailers. Sure you may have only been playing tambourine, but you’re rhythm was essential to the overall sound. Now it’s time to show off your other rhythm. Mmm mmm mmm…
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ a lemon
3. 3-4 green onions chopped coarsely
4. 3 mushroom cut in slices
5. 2 handfuls of chopped lettuce
6. 2 hamburger buns
7. 1 handful of chopped mango chunks (fresh or frozen)
8. ½-1 pound of white meat chicken
9. 1 handful fresh mozzarella in thin slices
10. ½ an avocado slices thinly
Assemble the sandwiches with the lettuce and avocado on the top side. The chicken crowned with the sautéed mushrooms goes on the bottom. Push them together just like you and your date will be pushed together when all is said and done.