POLENTA THOSE CLOTHES OFF SALAD

July 24, 2012

Polenta it all off, the skivvies too.

Making those pesky clothes vanish is easier than you’d think. Despite the popular folklore that you first must pass a series of relationship tests in order to get there, au contraire. The scientists working around the clock in shifts down in the Cook To Bang lab have discovered a way to leapfrog that major time suck. Polenta draws people sharing it for reasons I could only explain via a Glenn Beck crazy chart. It has the effect even with polar opposites like a hipster honky in pants tighter than the sororitease he’s banging’s black fuck-me pants. Don’t question the science. It just works, like gravity. Or condoms*. Read the rest of this entry »


KIWI BE JAMMING

November 8, 2010
You jam straight I want to bang some more

You jam straight I want to bang some more

So I admit freely that my knowledge of New Zealand is limited to the Lord of the Rings, Flight of the Conchords, and a family friend who renounced his Kiwi citizenship.  None of this was going to help the fact that I brazenly invited a cute New Zealand girl I met randomly at a bowling alley bar over for dinner.  She believed me when drunkenly I claimed that New Zealand cuisine had inspired my culinary palette.  So the gauntlet was thrown down for me to WOW this hopefully kinky kiwi.  All my research has turned up was in detail reports about the oppression of the Mauri people, which didn’t strike me as light dinner conversation.  So I just bought a bag of kiwi fruit and winged it.  After great debate with myself, and with timing running out before she showed up, I decided to make a jam of sorts.  I served it with bread, Brie cheese and a New Zealand wine.  This winning combination led to a winning combination of positions in the bedroom, invented by the same people that brought us bungee jumping.  After that night I vowed never to never confuse Kiwi and Aussie girls again.  They hate that. Read the rest of this entry »


BEEF BANGIN’ON

June 4, 2010

Where's the beef? Check my pantaloons.

This final edition in the 2010 CTB Recipe Challenge comes from Karin in Ft. Collins, CO. Here’s to bringing on the foux da fafa French connection. Karin writes:

I satisfy my man with a hearty meal and with his pleasure fulfilled I can be pleased in return. This recipe may seem daunting but believe me it is well worth the foreplay. With the right prep the ‘oven’ does the majority of the work and gives the strength the to keeps everything up all night long and keep the au jus flowing.  This recipe is surely is femme fatale. Ooh la la! Read the rest of this entry »


RUB MY BUTTERCUPS

February 19, 2010

Rub a dub dub, let's bang after this grub

Feel that. Cup your hand and take it all in. Yeah, that’s nice right? I worked hard to firm up my buttercups just so. This I assure you is no accident. Take another and another. You can’t resist, can you? I don’t blame you. With this much sex appeal turbo-loaded into one little dessert, I have a hard time leaving the house. You really don’t have to when you have such a delicious bait to lure the luckies in who get to bang you after eating your kitchen’s delights. Brownie/peanut butter cookie hybrids are dangerous and should not be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. Jihadists and ex-KGB scientists alike could destroy the world with sweet satisfaction. That much unchecked power can overwhelm even the most ethical of culinary Casanovas. So when you’re getting your buttercups rubbed, remember that with great flavor comes great responsibility.

Total time: approximately 60 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Milk

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 3/4 cups brown sugar
3. 3/4 cup cocoa
4. 1 tsp salt
5. 2 tsp vanilla extract
6. 1/2 cup HONEY
7. 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
8. 1/2 cup peanut butter
9. 3/4 tsp baking powder
10. 4 eggs
11. 2 sticks butter

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 375°F/190°C.  Sift together 3/4 cups flour, cocoa mix, 3/4 cups brown sugar, salt and 1/4 tsp baking powder.  Melt 1 stick of butter and beat in 2 eggs, and 1tsp vanilla extract.  Mix the eggs/butter combination with the dry cocoa/flour/sugar mix into a batter.  Blend in the chocolate chips and you have mind-blowing batter that you can bake or lick off your date.

Step 2
Grease a large baking pan and spread the brownie batter flat. Bake solo until the brown batter begins to harden (approx 25 min).

Step 3
Melt the remaining stick of butter and mix with the peanut butter.  Mix in the remaining 2 eggs and 1 tsp vanilla.  Next mix the 1/4 tsp baking powder, honey, and 2 cups brown sugar.  Finally mix in the 1 1/4 cups flour.

Step 4
Carefully pour out and spread the peanut butter brownie, making sure not to unsettle the brownie bottom. Bake in the oven until the peanut butter cookie top cooks all the way through (approx 30 min). You should be able to poke a toothpick all the way through without getting any batter. Allow them cool before cutting and serving.

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GOODNESS GRACIOUS GRANDMA! COOKIES

April 20, 2009
Goodness, gracious grandma's kitchen's on fire!

Goodness, gracious grandma's kitchen's on fire!

Out of respect to my dear grandmother, I shall refrain my usual irreverent tomfoolery for once. I have faith that you, dear reader, will realize cookies of this caliber still deserve a place in the prestigious COOK TO BANG canon. The cookies have the potential for solving the world’s problems from the border wars to erectile dysfunction. One bite will bring you back to the innocence of childhood when banging was something you did on your high chair with applesauce all over your face. But don’t let that discourage you, for these cookies are a perfect bait to lure in unsuspecting CTB candidates. They will think your thoughtfulness cute and become disarmed by the outstanding edible bounty you have presented. Invite them over for dinner, drinks and more now that you have demonstrated your culinary prowess. No one will resist when they’re under the cookies’ spell.

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: milk or a BANANA-RAM-YA MILKSHAKE

rosemary-cookies-prepIngredients (makes approx 60 cookies):
1. 1¼ cups of flour
2. ¼ cup of granulated white sugar
3. 3½ cups of oats
4. ¾ cup of packed down brown sugar
5. 1½ cups of raisins
6. 1 teaspoon of baking soda
7. 1 packet of vanilla Jell-O pudding
8. 2 eggs
9. 2 sticks of softened butter

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. Mix the butter, white sugar, brown sugar and pudding mix in a large bowl. Crack the eggs in this bowl and blend it all together.

rosemary-cookies-butter-sugar-pudding-eggs

Step 2
Mix the flour and baking soda in a separate bowl, and then pour into the larger bowl and mix it all together thoroughly. Add in the oats and raisins and mix until you have one sexy bowl of cookie dough.

rosemary-cookies-mix

Step 3
Use a teaspoon to scoop up cookies and throw them on the ungreased baking sheets, allowing 2 inches between. Bake them until they become golden brown (approx 10-12 minutes) and remove from oven to cook. Serve it up with milk and await adulation by the masses.

rosemary-cookies-bake

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SLOB ON MY KNOBBLER COBBLER

March 21, 2009
Don't be a slob, bob on my knob!

Don't be a slob, bob on my knob!

You read that right.  Why pussyfoot around the subject when we all know what this is about?  Sweet action satisfaction!  This cobbler is sure to earn you the type of brownie points you can cash in for attention of the oral kind.  Of course I’m talking about having your date hand feed you cobbler.  What?  You thought I was being inappropriate and crass?  Me?  A guy who writes a recipe blog called Cook To Bang?  Get your filthy mind out of the gutter!  I am merely trying to provide my beloved readers with upright (or is it uptight?) family values recipes to bring to their Bible groups.  And lord knows this dessert is sure to get your date to scream out, “Oh God!”

mango-cobbler-prepTotal time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Dust off that bottle of wine and get to the banging already!

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ cup of oats
2. 3 tablespoons of brown sugar
3. 2 handfuls of mango chunks
4. 1/3 of a stick of butter
5. 1 handful of shelled pistachios
6. 1 tablespoon of flour (not pictured, sue me)

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Create the crust by melting the butter in a small pot on medium heat.  Dump in the brown sugar and stil until it becomes like molasses.  Dump in the oats and pistachios and allow the butter and sugar to cook into them (approx 1 minutes).  Mix in the flour, stir for a moment, and then turn off the heat.
mango-cobbler-brown-betty
Step 2
Stuff the mango chunks into 2 small oven-safe bowls or ramekins.  Use a spoon to lay the crusts over the top of each bowl and press down so it is all contained.  Place these into the oven with something underneath like a baking sheet to catch any spillage.  Bake until the crust hardens and caramelizes (approx 40 minutes), then remove from oven, allow to cool, and serve up.  Bonus points if you listen to Depeche Mode a la mode while you eat it
mango-cobbler-bake

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EGGPLANT PARMESAN BOOTY BOMB

March 9, 2009
Now that I am armed with the Booty Bomb, nothing can stop me.  Muahahaha!

Now that I am armed with the Booty Bomb, nothing can stop me. Muahahaha!

Weapons of mass destruction are no doubt dangerous in the hands of terrorists.  But what about weapons of mass satisfaction?  They also pose a threat in the hands of the common man.  I found this out the hard way when I adjusted a simple recipe for eggplant Parmesan.  This already awesome dish took my game to DEFCON 5. Suddenly I could cause an orgasm in every woman in a 5 mile-radius as soon as I popped this dish into the oven.  The power did in fact go to my head. I became a super-villain indiscriminately bringing beautiful women to their knees in abject pleasure.  Lucky for mankind, a douchey superhero known as the Cock-Blocker managed to wipe my memory clean of the ingredients of this recipe. Too bad for that good two-shoes so-called hero, the Freedom of Information Act allows the rest of you access to this powerful dish.  Cook with caution!

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

eggplant-parm-prepIngredients:
1. Salt to taste
2. ½ tablespoon of oregano
3. 3 tablespoons of olive oil
4. 1 28-ounce can of tomatoes
5. 1 large handful of shredded/chopped mozzarella
6. 2 eggs
7. 1 large eggplant cut into 1-inch thick rounds
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful of chopped parsley
10. 3 garlic cloves chopped coarsely
11. ½ cup of flour
12. ¼ cup of shredded Parmesan
13. ½ cup of breadcrumbs

Step 1
Create the sauce by heating up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat.  Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds).  Sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes).  Add salt to taste and parsley and cook in the flavor (approx 1 minute).  Add the tomatoes and crush them yourself.  Turn the heat down low and allow the sauce to simmer as you move on to Step 2.
eggplant-parm-sauce
Step 2
Create the eggplant batter.  First mix up the breading: flour, breadcrumbs, Parmesan and oregano in one bowl.  Beat the eggs in a second bowl.  Heat up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat.  Dip each eggplant round in the eggs, and then the breading and fry them 4 or five at a time.  Flip once after the bottoms brown (approx 2 minutes) and repeat.  Set aside on a paper towel to soak up excess oil.  Repeat as needed.
eggplant-parm-batter-fry
Step 3
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Lay down a base of sauce in a small baking/casserole dish. Put down a layer of fried eggplants.  Place another layer of sauce and eggplants until you have exhausted your supply, laying the last of the sauce on top.  Scatter the mozzarella buckshot style over the top and throw in the oven.  Bake until the cheese crusts and browns (approx 20 minutes).  You are in for a treat!  Serve it up solo or with some PASTA.
eggplant-parm-bake

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BANG ‘TIL YOU’RE BLUE-A KAHLUA BROWNIES

November 16, 2008

Kahlua brownie makes your date go to townie

Kahlua brownie will make 'em go downie on you

If you are sweet on your sweetheart, use chocolate to seal the deal.  Chocolate is an amazingly effective aphrodisiac that gets the heart rate up, increases blood flow and creates a natural feeling of well being, euphoria, and with any luck, wanton lust.  Ancient Aztec’s thought it invigorated men and made women less inhibited and they consumed it before battle or intense rounds of sexual activity.  Have we learned nothing from history?  Do as the Aztec do and do it all night with some natural aphrodisiacs.  The fact that it tastes like food reserved for the Gods is beside the point.  Take it a step further with Kahlua.  The Mexican liqueur makes bad coffee tastes superb, a white Russian worthwhile and stands alone like champ just on ice.  Combine chocolate and Kahlua into homemade brownies and you are well on your way to a tasty, triumphant evening.  If the magnificent meal you made can’t seal the deal, go for the knockout punch.  Hand feed your date a Kahlua Brownie and follow it up with a chocolate flavored kiss.  Mmm…

kahlua-brownie-prepIngredients (for 2):
1. ½ stick of butter
2. 4 ounces of unsweetened baking chocolate
3. 2 cups of sugar
4. 3 eggs
5. 1 teaspoon of baking powder
6. 1½ cups of flour
7. 1 teaspoon of salt
8. 2 cups of Kahlua
9. ½ cup of shredded coconut

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees.  In one mixing bowl combine the flour, salt and baking powder and mix together thoroughly.  In a second bowl, mix the eggs and sugar together so they are united, like the 13 original US colonies.
kahlua-brownie-mix-f42d61a
Step 2
Use a saucepan to heat the butter and melt down the chocolate.  Add 1½ cups of the Kahlua (saving the other ½ cup) and mix until it is one chocolate river of goodness.kahlua-brownie-choc1

Step 3
Bring together the flour/salt/baking power with the egg/sugar and melted chocolate/Kahlua into one big party.  Blend it all into a batter and make it all better by adding the shredded coconut.  Pour the better batter into a greased baking pan and spread it out evenly.
kahlua-brownie-mix-it-up
Step 4
Throw the baking pan in the oven and bake for 35-40 minutes. If you are unsure if it is ready, dip a toothpick into the brownie: if it comes out clean you have yourself bake brownies.  Finally, use a brush or flat spoon to spread out the remaining ½ cup of Kahlua and let it settle for 5 minutes into a glaze.  Cut the brownies up and serve with milk, ice cream or use them to bribe a cop out of a speeding ticket.kahlua-brownie-kahlua-glaze