NEVER FLAKE CRAB CAKES

May 1, 2015

Why spend another Friday night at home pissed off at yet another flake?

My number one frustration in the dating scene is flakes. Nothing pisses me off more than having a date lined up for the night and getting a call, or worse, a text message with some half-baked excuse about a forgotten lobotomy appointment. I erase their phone numbers on the spot and wipe their existence from my memory banks.  This happens to all of us, especially with those you pick up without the benefit of an acquaintance’s introduction. Thems the breaks of being on the prowl.  So what’s a player to do to avoid becoming a victim of the better offer?  Wow the living shit out of them with a memorable meal.  Granted these flaky whores and douches need to sample your cuisine first.  But once they do, flaking will be the last thing on their mind.  Their concern will be staying in your good graces so they never miss one of your epic meals. Crab cakes send a clear message that you are a keeper and deserve the utmost respect and courtesy.  There are millions of sexy singles who would gladly take their place at your dinner table and boudoir. Read the rest of this entry »


JAWFUL OF BLUEBERRY WAFFLES

June 2, 2014
There ain't nothing awful about these waffles

There ain’t nothing awful about these waffles

There’s something glorious about stuffing one’s mouth with something hot, sticky and delicious.  Close your eyes and experience Shangri La as the sweet and subtle flavors swirl around your taste buds like a Brazilian capoeira dancer.  Each mouthful is a unique snowflake of flavor, texture and subtlety.  Take your time down there.  Enjoy the ride and be precise with your oral actions. Be careful not to rush through because then no one will get their culinary rocks off.   That is the art of making waffles awesome rather than awful.  Sure you could toast up a frozen Eggo and be done with it.  But that’s like settling for watching porn when you have a porn star signaling you to bed.  The extra effort is always worth it and will pay off in dividends when it’s time to consummate.  So indulge yourself when the weekend rolls around.  Take your time to surprise that slumbering sexpot who blew your mind and a few other things last night and twice this morning.  They are worth it and so are you.  A word of caution: waffles are sexy, but not when stuck to your bed sheets. Read the rest of this entry »


SUGAR DADDY COOKIES

February 13, 2013

Sugar mamas are also welcomed to slang cookies a la Cook To Bang

Calling all dudes! Here’s your chance to be a sugar daddy without tapping out your bank account. There’s no need to drop mortgage payments at clubs on bottle service, 10-course French dinners, or the shoe store. Instead steal their hearts and undergarments with your creativity and resourcefulness. Isn’t that why we Cook To Bang? I’m a sugar daddy that slangs sweet treats. Pass these out to one or all twelve of your sweetums. Each will be touched by your thoughtfulness and darling gesture. Who’s your daddy now, ladies? Read the rest of this entry »


POLENTA THOSE CLOTHES OFF SALAD

July 24, 2012

Polenta it all off, the skivvies too.

Making those pesky clothes vanish is easier than you’d think. Despite the popular folklore that you first must pass a series of relationship tests in order to get there, au contraire. The scientists working around the clock in shifts down in the Cook To Bang lab have discovered a way to leapfrog that major time suck. Polenta draws people sharing it for reasons I could only explain via a Glenn Beck crazy chart. It has the effect even with polar opposites like a hipster honky in pants tighter than the sororitease he’s banging’s black fuck-me pants. Don’t question the science. It just works, like gravity. Or condoms*. Read the rest of this entry »


KIWI BE JAMMING

November 8, 2010
You jam straight I want to bang some more

You jam straight I want to bang some more

So I admit freely that my knowledge of New Zealand is limited to the Lord of the Rings, Flight of the Conchords, and a family friend who renounced his Kiwi citizenship.  None of this was going to help the fact that I brazenly invited a cute New Zealand girl I met randomly at a bowling alley bar over for dinner.  She believed me when drunkenly I claimed that New Zealand cuisine had inspired my culinary palette.  So the gauntlet was thrown down for me to WOW this hopefully kinky kiwi.  All my research has turned up was in detail reports about the oppression of the Mauri people, which didn’t strike me as light dinner conversation.  So I just bought a bag of kiwi fruit and winged it.  After great debate with myself, and with timing running out before she showed up, I decided to make a jam of sorts.  I served it with bread, Brie cheese and a New Zealand wine.  This winning combination led to a winning combination of positions in the bedroom, invented by the same people that brought us bungee jumping.  After that night I vowed never to never confuse Kiwi and Aussie girls again.  They hate that. Read the rest of this entry »


BEEF BANGIN’ON

June 4, 2010

Where's the beef? Check my pantaloons.

This final edition in the 2010 CTB Recipe Challenge comes from Karin in Ft. Collins, CO. Here’s to bringing on the foux da fafa French connection. Karin writes:

I satisfy my man with a hearty meal and with his pleasure fulfilled I can be pleased in return. This recipe may seem daunting but believe me it is well worth the foreplay. With the right prep the ‘oven’ does the majority of the work and gives the strength the to keeps everything up all night long and keep the au jus flowing.  This recipe is surely is femme fatale. Ooh la la! Read the rest of this entry »


RUB MY BUTTERCUPS

February 19, 2010

Rub a dub dub, let's bang after this grub

Feel that. Cup your hand and take it all in. Yeah, that’s nice right? I worked hard to firm up my buttercups just so. This I assure you is no accident. Take another and another. You can’t resist, can you? I don’t blame you. With this much sex appeal turbo-loaded into one little dessert, I have a hard time leaving the house. You really don’t have to when you have such a delicious bait to lure the luckies in who get to bang you after eating your kitchen’s delights. Brownie/peanut butter cookie hybrids are dangerous and should not be allowed to fall into the wrong hands. Jihadists and ex-KGB scientists alike could destroy the world with sweet satisfaction. That much unchecked power can overwhelm even the most ethical of culinary Casanovas. So when you’re getting your buttercups rubbed, remember that with great flavor comes great responsibility.

Total time: approximately 60 minutes
Projected cost: $15
Drinking Buddy: Milk

Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 cups flour
2. 2 3/4 cups brown sugar
3. 3/4 cup cocoa
4. 1 tsp salt
5. 2 tsp vanilla extract
6. 1/2 cup HONEY
7. 1 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
8. 1/2 cup peanut butter
9. 3/4 tsp baking powder
10. 4 eggs
11. 2 sticks butter

Step 1
Preheat your oven to 375°F/190°C.  Sift together 3/4 cups flour, cocoa mix, 3/4 cups brown sugar, salt and 1/4 tsp baking powder.  Melt 1 stick of butter and beat in 2 eggs, and 1tsp vanilla extract.  Mix the eggs/butter combination with the dry cocoa/flour/sugar mix into a batter.  Blend in the chocolate chips and you have mind-blowing batter that you can bake or lick off your date.

Step 2
Grease a large baking pan and spread the brownie batter flat. Bake solo until the brown batter begins to harden (approx 25 min).

Step 3
Melt the remaining stick of butter and mix with the peanut butter.  Mix in the remaining 2 eggs and 1 tsp vanilla.  Next mix the 1/4 tsp baking powder, honey, and 2 cups brown sugar.  Finally mix in the 1 1/4 cups flour.

Step 4
Carefully pour out and spread the peanut butter brownie, making sure not to unsettle the brownie bottom. Bake in the oven until the peanut butter cookie top cooks all the way through (approx 30 min). You should be able to poke a toothpick all the way through without getting any batter. Allow them cool before cutting and serving.

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