June 15, 2009
Noodles = Nudity
That’s it. Take it all off. Every last article must be removed. You know the deal. No naked, no nosh! There you go. Don’t you feel so much better without all those pesky clothes? I know I feel liberated. See? I’m nude too. Watch me do this cartwheel. Whee! Now it’s your turn. I want to see your naughty bits fly in all directions. Again! Again! All this exercise made me hungry. Let’s break. The only proper way to dine on noodles is in the nude. Sure they are spicy, but I know how randy you get when your mouth is on fire. Let the papaya cool you down before things heat back up after the meal.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 8-ounces of dried rice noodle flakes
2. 1 tbsp of Sriracha Hot CHILI Sauce
3. 1 tbsp of soy sauce
4. ½ tbsp of vegetable oil
5. 1 onion cut in strips
6. 1 handful of crushed pecans
7. ½ a lime
8. ½ of a papaya
9. 2 handfuls of cilantro
10. 1 egg
11. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Step 1
Bring a pot of water to a boil. Scoop the seeds out of the papaya, and then cut the fruit meat out. Discard the shell and chop up the papaya coarsely.
Step 2
Sauté the garlic, onion and ½ the cilantro with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 3 min). Throw in the papaya and cook it with the soy sauce and Sriracha sauce (approx 2 min).
Step 3
Boil the rice noodle flakes (approx 4 min), drain, toss them into the magic pot of flavor, and then mix it all together.
Step 4
Crack an egg into the pan, and then mix the contents together. Crown the noodles with the crushed pecans and cilantro, and finally squeeze the limejuice over your creation.
Serve up the nude-les solo or with some BANGO YOUR MANGO CHICKEN CURRY.
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Posted by cooktobang
April 9, 2009
Who lived in a pineapple inside my gut?
This pineapple before you was the last know residence of one Spongebob Squarepants. The market ran out of pineapple I needed for this ridiculous rice dish and impressing my hot date called for desperate measures. So I improvised. You know Spongebob wouldn’t mind helping Patrick Star get laid if he wanted to bang a whorish whale or hammerhead hottie. So I figured that the courtesy would be extended to me since I’ve watched enough episodes to render me with the maturity of a 12-year-old. The only problem is I then used the spongy little bastard to scrub the wok. Spongebob’s usual giggle was replaced by a gurgle. But I know in his heart he was happy to aid my Cook to Bang quest. But don’t worry. I replaced his pineapple house with an empty vodka bottle. The sponge is soaking up liquor fumes as we speak.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: A beer or a SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of basmati rice
2. 2 tablespoons of vegetable oil
3. 1 tablespoon of curry paste
4. 1 pineapple
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. 1 LEEK chopped
7. ½ pound of chicken cut into bite-sized pieces
8. 1 egg
9. 2 tablespoons of freshly chopped GINGER
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Wash the rice in the sink. Fill up a pot with the 1 cup of rice and 2 cups of water. Bring water to a boil on high heat, and then turn the heat down and simmer covered until the rice absorbs the water (approx 15 minutes).
Step 2
Split the pineapple length-wise. Use a pairing knife to cut out the meat from the middle, but leave enough around the edges so it holds it’s form. Chop the meat up into bite-sized pieces. Set aside.
Step 3
Heat the oil in a large deep pan or wok on high heat. Toss the garlic, ginger and leeks and cook down (approx 2 minutes). Add the curry paste and pineapple and stir in the flavor (approx 1 minute). Mix in the rice thoroughly, stir in the coconut milk and finally crack the egg over and mix it in.
Step 4
Scoop the rice into the hollow pineapple halves until the overflow like a mound above the fruit’s lip. Cover the stuffed pineapples with tinfoil and bake through in the oven (approx 20 minutes). Serve up on a plate with your favorite ENTRÉE.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, RECIPES, spicy, thai | Tagged: aphrodisiac, baked pineapple rice, bang, basmati rice, bikini bottom, citrus, curry paste, delicious, easy, fried pineapple rice, fried rice, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hammerhead, intercourse, kitchen, naked, nickelodeon, Patrick star, Pineapple rice recipe, recipe, seduce, sex, spicy, spongebob squarepants, tasty, thai, tropical, vegetable oil, vodka, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 28, 2009
Do wop babaloo bop do wop BANG BOOM!
Just imagine yourself a young, horny kid in the 50’s. Too bad societal pressures would keep you from indulging your every whim like James Dean. No, you would be expected to settle for some awesome chrome car and a letterman jacket or pressed Donna Reed blouse. Sounds good in their theory, but do you really want to wait until marriage to bang to your hearts content? Chances are you would be locked in to a loveless marriage fueled by Dean Martin, scotch, and keys in the punchbowl parties. Luckily, 50+ years and a sexual revolution later, we can indulge our carnal desire milkshake without having to buy the whole rancid cow. Bear in mind that back then the concept of lactose intolerance was not even a glimmer in the milkman banging the bored housewife’s eye. But we can thank the 50’s for the malt shop culture. Back then they couldn’t bang so they consumed high calorie treats. Now we can do both. So sip your milkshake while you lift up that poodle skirt and doo wop to your heart’s content.
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: If you are hardcore you could pour in some vodka
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 scoops of vanilla ice cream
2. 2 cups of milk
3. 2 tablespoons of honey
4. 1 banana
5. 1 handful of pistachios
Step 1
Break the banana in half and drop it in the blender along with the ice cream, honey, pistachios and milk and blend it to perfection. Serve it up cold before things get really hot!
1 Comment | libation lubrication, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: 50’s, awesome, banana, Banana milkshake recipe, bang, blend, creamy, dean martin, delicious, dessert, DIY, donna reed, easy, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet banana milkshake, guarantee, homemade, honey, intercourse, james dean, kitchen, lactose intolerant, letterman jacket, libation, lubrication, malt shop, milk, milk man, naked, nuts, pistachio, poodle skirt, puree, recipe, scotch, seduce, sex, sexual revolution, sweet, sweet temptation, tasty, vanilla, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 11, 2009
Krispy on the outside, soft and juicy on the inside.
Your favorite childhood treat is back with a black and blueberry attitude. This ain’t your momma’s Rice Krispie Treat. The team of molecular physicists on staff at COOK TO BANG developed a groundbreaking improvement to this noble confectionery. The naysayers who said our research grant money was worse spent than Sarah Palin’s Bridge To Nowhere can suck it. Now that haters are off to ruin someone else’s day, behold: I reveal to you the revolutionary Krispie Treat supercharged with blueberry bomb blasts. The consumer will be too busy rolling their eyes into the back of their heads to notice the antioxidants going to work. Serve these treats to someone you’re sweet on in full confidence that you’re holding your conquest’s health in the utmost regard. It’s low in fat, rich in fiber, and overflowing with awesomeness. Keep in mind you’ll have plenty of leftovers that are great for post-coital snacks or to lure future dates to your place. No blue balls for you, my friend!
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: HOT COCOA
Ingredients:
1. 6 cups of Rice Krispies (or generic brand)
2. 10 ounces of marshmallows
3. 1 small container of fresh blueberries
4. ¼ stick of butter
Step 1
Melt the butter completely in a deep pan or pot on low heat. Toss in the marshmallows, and then cook and stir them until they become one big tasty goop (approx 5 minutes).
Step 2
Turn the heat off and dump in the Krispies and blueberries. Mix them all together thoroughly. Dump them all into a greased baking pan, and pat them down with a spatula (ideally sprayed with cooking spray). Allow them time to cool (approx 30 minutes). Cut up your preferred sized squares and distribute to the beautiful people.
1 Comment | CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: antioxidant, bang, berry, blueberry, butter, cookie, crispy, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, low fat, lunch, marshmallow, naked, no bake, recipe, refreshing, rice, Rice krispie treat recipe, rice krispie treat with blueberries recipe, sex, snack, sugary, sweet, sweet temptation, tasty, treat, vitamin c, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 25, 2008
The mystique of aphrodisiacs have been cock-blocked by science. But genuine physiological effects that made these ingredients magical in the Ancient World still yield results today. Below is an overview of these gifts from the love gods:
• ARTICHOKES were reserved only for men in 16th Century Europe because of the sexual power they presumably granted. Thanks to modern, science we know they merely freshen your breath and detoxify your liver thanks to the cornucopia of vitamins, minerals and phytochemicals packed into every bite.
• ASPARAGUS is a natural Viagra. 17th Century UK naturalist Nicholas Culpepper hailed asparagus for “stir(ring) up lust in man and woman.” The magical vegetable is loaded with potassium and Vitamin A that boost sex drives and the folic acid produces histamines that increase the power of an orgasm.
• AVOCADOS contains fiber, folate, vitamins B6, C and E, beta-sitosterol and glutathione, which can enhance feelings of love and romance. The Aztecs used avocados as a cholesterol-free, sodium-free, sexual stimulant, which just so happens to make most meals from salad to sandwiches taste way sexier.
• BASIL aids circulation, which can stimulate sex drives and increase fertility in women. The scent drives men bat-shit insane so women in ancient times dusted their breasts with powdered basil when they were on the prowl. Hey now!
• BEETS have been used since Roman times to increase male virility due to their high boron content. “Take favors in the beetroot fields” was a popular early 20th Century euphemism for visiting prostitutes.
• BLACK BEANS contain enough protein, fiber and folic acid to get our blood going, plus plenty of the amino acid tryptophan to relax us and get us in the mood.
• CHILES increase your heart rate that can enhance your pleasure receptors and releases endorphins that can make you feel energized or like you’re floating (or banging). No wonder Montezuma drank it in his hot cocoa before paying a visit to his harem.
• CHOCOLATE gets the heart rate up, increases blood flow and creates a natural feeling of well-being, euphoria, and with any luck, wanton lust. Ancient Aztec’s thought it invigorated men and made women less inhibited and they consumed it before battle or intense rounds of sexual activity.
• COFFEE has similar physiological effects in women that oysters cause in men: it turns them on. The female libido can be supercharged for second and thirds with some caffeinated beans and sensual words. Another cup of Joe, babe?
• FIGS are a killer source of flavonoids, polyphenols, and antioxidants that help you go long and strong. They look like a woman’s unmentionables, symbolized fertility in Ancient Greece and drove Cleopatra randy. Many biblical historians wager that the fig originated in the Garden of Eden. Talk about a forbidden fruit!
• GINGER has turned on most civilizations including the Chinese, Greek, Roman and Indian where it was hailed in the Kama Sutra. The root’s arousing scent and health benefits does a male body good, increasing heart rate and perspiration (like in sex) and gets the blood flowing to your extremities, naughty parts included.
• GRAPES were getting people off way before records were ever kept. Just ask the Egyptians or Greeks or Romans who can attest to the effectiveness of feeding this anti-oxidant finger food to their lovers. And we haven’t even touched on the subject of wine yet!
• HONEY is rich in Vitamin B (root of testosterone) and boron (helps body process estrogen) so both sexes are covered. It was the nectar of Aphrodite and medieval couples would channel their inner Barry White by drinking mead. Why do you think they call it a honeymoon?
• OYSTERS contain high levels of zinc that increase male potency, along with D-aspartic acid and NMDA compounds that can release hormones like testosterone and estrogen. The fact that oysters resemble female genitalia is beside the point.
• PINE NUTS are rich in zinc like oysters and have a long history as a natural Viagra. These magical nuts have been used in medieval European love potions and the beds of Arabian lovers.
• ROSEMARY is high in iron, calcium, and Vitamin B6, which can increase blood circulation to the skin and increase one’s sensitivity to touch. It’s powerful scent plays on our scent memories, the strongest tie to emotional and sexual experience.
• SEAFOOD of any variety has long been considered aphrodisiacs since Ancient Greece because Aphrodite was born of the sea. Beyond tasting amazing, fish and shellfish are rich in protein and omega-3 fatty acids that kick cancer’s ass so surely they can help defeat a little erectile dysfunction.
• STRAWBERRIES are not technically aphrodisiacs, but they are edible valentines shaped like hearts. They were a symbol of the Roman Goddess of love Venus and when dipped in chocolate they legitimately become aphrodisiac city.
• WATERMELON have quantities of citrulline that trigger arginine, quite literally the Viagra chemical that causes blood to flow and libidos to pump. No doubt, the fact that this refreshing fruit contains cancer-fighting nutrients like lycopene and beta-carotene will be lost on most.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS | Tagged: aphrodisiac, artichoke, asparagus, avocado, bang, basil, beet, black beans, chiles, chocolate, circulation, coffee, delicious, easy, fig, fruit, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, grape, healthy, heart, honey, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, naked, oyster, pine nuts, protein, romance, rosemary, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, strawberries, watermelon | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 24, 2008
Even a man without taste buds would have an edible orgasm from this treasure.
I challenge anyone to make these brownies and not succeed in melting the heart of your intended conquest. This dish is so sensual and irresistible that I seduced myself. It was quite the challenge to share it with my date. She couldn’t keep her finger out of my batter and licked my bowl clean. We nearly finished it off before it made it into the oven. Good thing we did because these brownies were radioactive with awesomeness. This is an aphrodisiac double feature with more chocolate than Willy Wonka could pull out of his hat with the antioxidant raspberry remix. Just thinking about these brownies brings a tear to my eyes because I know what dessert in heaven will taste like, minus the annoying harp music. Accept the raspberry brownies into your heart and sing a post-coital Hallelujah!
Ingredients:
1. 2/3 cup of baking flour
2. ¼ teaspoon of baking powder
3. ¾ cup of sweet ground chocolate/cocoa (Ghiradelli recommended)
4. ¼ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ a small package of fresh/frozen raspberries
6. 1 teaspoon of vanilla extract
7. 1 cup of semi-sweet chocolate chips
8. 1 stick of butter
9. ¾ cup of sugar
10. 2 eggs
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Sift together the flour, cocoa mix, sugar, salt and baking powder. Melt the stick of butter and beat in with eggs and vanilla extract. Mix the eggs/butter combination with the dry cocoa/flour/sugar mix into a batter. Blend in the chocolate chips and you have mind-blowing batter that you can bake or lick off your date’s naughty bits.
Step 2
Grease that small pan (9 inch square recommended) like its never been greased up before. Pour in half the batter like a pleasure-delaying seduction. Tuck those babe-licious berries into the brownie batter bed before smothering it with the other half of cocoa-laden chaos. Throw the baking pan into the oven and bake for 25-35 minutes. When in doubt, us a toothpick to dip into the brownie: if the pick comes out dry you got yourself a decadent dessert. Allow to cool for 15 minutes, then serve with ice cream, a glass of milk, or with your best deal-closing move.
1 Comment | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, bang, berry, brownie, chocolate, classy, delicious, dessert, easy, eggs, from scratch, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, naked, raspberry, Raspberry brownies, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, sinful, sugar, sweet, vanilla | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 