CHICKEN MANGO QUESADIDDLE-YA

September 30, 2015
Of course I'll quese-do-ya!!!

Of course I'll quese-do-ya!!!

Diddle me this.  Diddle me that.  Who’s afraid of getting fat?  Not I, says the COOK TO BANG chefs who cook healthy, badass food, and then subsequently burn off those calories banging like chimpanzees on meth.  So we can afford to indulge in a little turbocharged bar food every once in a while.  You deserve to make something ridiculously easy that earns you props from the prissy crowd who “don’t usually indulge in such low brow foods.”  So long as they put out after they are put in their place I am down to put up with them.  Aren’t the whiners the most satisfying to bang senseless?  It’s like wearing out their motor mouths by stuffing they with the tastiest of treats.  Ain’t no stopping you from getting some peace…of ass. Read the rest of this entry »


WHORE-TILLA SOUP

September 23, 2015
You are the pimp and your date is your whore-tilla

You are the pimp and your date is your whore-tilla

Are you cursed with dating prudes who just don’t put out?  This is not unlike slamming your finger in a car door, but it’s your self-esteem that cries out in pain.  Your first problem is that you shouldn’t try to pick up prospective dates at a Jonas Brothers concert.  And even if you are a sucker who thinks meeting a nice girl or boy is the way to go, Cook To Bang like a champ and you will make that purity rings land perfectly in the trash with nothing but net.  I have faith that you can turn the rosy-cheeked innocent into your sex slave with the right approach.  That’s why I developed this hearty tortilla soup for you.  It’s quite healthy, has an APHRODISIAC double threat, and seems wholesome at first glance.  That is exactly how you should operate.  Get in under the radar and then turn your date out.  Turn that nun or choirboy into your own personal whore.  Now hear yourself ROAR! Read the rest of this entry »


PIMP MY SHRIMP TACOS

September 21, 2015

Shrimping and pimping and bed sheet crimping

It’s time to apply the philosophy of MTV’s Pimp My Ride to your dinner.  Say you have a taco recipe that is so-so.  Your tacos will feed hungry people, but chances are no one you’ve served them to have torn off their clothes to show their appreciation.  That is a damn shame Cook To Bang will rectify.  We’re taking a simple taco recipe, supping it up with aphrodisiac-laden flavor, and letting that shit ride across your plates then down your gullets faster than you can say, “I’ll get some protection.”  I learned a similar recipe while acting a fool in Baja California chasing senoritas while downing margaritas.  These tacos sure made my beach side dalliances more enjoyable. I smuggled the recipe across the border along with some fireworks and KABOOM! Pleasant pimpin’. Read the rest of this entry »


LAZADILLA

September 2, 2015
Lazy days, lazy ways, lazy lays

Lazy days, lazy ways, lazy lays

Sometimes you just want to gloss over the cooking and get right to the banging.  Understandably so.  But know this, my impatient pupil.  You could very well jeopardize your whole skeezy agenda by rushing through.  You need to at least appear to make the effort and show something for your trouble.  So it better be damn impressive if you are going to throw something edible together in less than 10 minutes.  Lucky COOK TO BANG has your back with an excessively simplistic finger food that is also reasonably good for you since you are toasting rather than frying in a pan.  Behold the Lazadilla, a quesadilla so tasty, easy, and unmessy, that NASA has hired me to make crate-loads of these for the manned Mission to Mars.  Hopefully these can at least convince your date to fly you to the moon.  Houston, we have no problem! Read the rest of this entry »


CHILLIN’ GRILLIN’ ILLIN’ SALAD

August 31, 2015
You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!

You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!

This grilled chicken salad has all the fixings that will help you get that fix.  Been hard up for some attention of the leisurely kind?  Fret no more that you will die celibate and alone in a shack made of cow dung deep in the wilderness.  This salad should help you get back on your feet and banging once more.  Just step back and allow the grilled chicken to open up the flavor in this uber-healthy salad.  You can lure whichever conquest you have your heart set on with promised of a high protein, low calorie waltz on their tongue.  It’s an easy dish to play off like you threw it together without so much as a second thought.  You can leave the impression that this is how you always eat because you are that awesome and nonchalant.  Now you’ll have plenty of time to wow the shit out of your date with other impressive qualities like the ability to read palms, take out flies with a blowgun, and give someone an orgasm from across the room.  Go and get them…at your leisure. Read the rest of this entry »


GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE

August 21, 2015

Hola, mi amigo!  Nothing says, “Girl (or boy), you’re worth the extra $2 an avocado,” like guacamole.  Sometimes salsa just isn’t enough.  Serve these with tortilla chips or with some magical Mexican feast.  Ole! Read the rest of this entry »


BANGARITA

July 20, 2015
Celebrate Cinco de Mayo with cinco sessions de bango!

Celebrate Cinco de Mayo with cinco sessions de bango!

The time has come my friends to celebrate the Mexican army’s triumph over France in 1852!  Those of you who think today is Mexican Independence Day need to drop the Corona and sober up.  You see, nothing says raw sex appeal like Mexican military history.  No doubt we will all focus on the strategic importance of this victory rather than get piss drunk on tequila and stuff our mouths with all manner of FINGER FOODS.  But if you must indulge in the tomfoolery of celebrating Mexican culture, drink with style. The sexy senoritas and senors will respond more favorably to a beverage of this caliber than to a margarita made from that acidic pre-mix and bad tequila.  Now make like a Mexican jumping bean and dance around that sombrero.  Ole! Read the rest of this entry »