Class up the Jell-O by setting them in citrus rinds
Jell-O shots are a symbol of youthful indiscretion. The very use of them conjures up memories of high school or college parties. Turning alcohol into a solid, easily tossable form indicates a clear problem with authority. Anyone making, serving or slurping these lacks maturity and predictability. Shame shame, they know your name! If the kid in you still wants to play hard, read on. If you are shaking your head with disappointment, might I recommend the AARP website where they offer great tips for keeping your shuffleboard skills tip top during winter. Fact: Jell-O shots are silly. Fact: Jell-O shots are a crapshoot of adventure. Part of the fun is seeing how hard they’ll hit you (CTB recommends caution, of course). Chances are good that you’ll end up drunkenly manhandling someone who will hopefully molest you right back. Both your chins will be stained from gelatin and your brains tainted with booze. Do Bill Cosby proud and say it loud, “There’s always room for Jell-O!”
Total time: approximately 4 hours
Projected cost: $6 (excluding vodka)
Drinking Buddy: You’re eating your drink, Mm mm!
Ingredients:
1. 1 package of Jell-O, chef’s choice on flavor
2. 2 cups of vodka
3. 2 cups of water
4. Handful of separated mint leaves
5. 6 lemons or oranges to half & hollow out
Step 1
Bring the water to a roaring boil. Dump in the Jell-O mix and stir until the powder dissolves completely (approx 2 minutes). Turn off the heat and pour the cold or room temperature vodka into the mix.
Step 2
Cut the lemon or oranges in half and hollow them out. Use a ladle to pour the unformed Jell-O liquid to the brim of each hollow rind. Place in the fridge and allow them to cool and harden (approx 4 hours). Halfway through the process, place a mint sprig in each half and allow them to set. Serve the Jell-O shots up
I’m gasping for air as I write this post. Good god is this veggie chili sexy, healthy and satisfying. Trust me when I say this is going to be a challenge to not eat it all before I bring it to the Super Bowl party this weekend. It’s like waiting for marriage to engage in sexual relations. It’s a nice idea in theory. But seriously, why? Sure it might feel great to finally experience pure ecstasy with the person you will spend the rest of your life. But then again it might be a huge let down when you finally claim what’s yours. Luckily you don’t have to worry about that with this chili dish. It actually tastes better the next day once the flavors have wrapped their legs around the veggies and grinded until they make culinary cunnilingus. If you do manage to keep this ridiculously healthy chili around for the Super Bowl or other party, you will certainly be busy taking down phone numbers from eager foodies with an appetite for you. Take a number.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: A beer, margarita or other football-watching beverage
Ingredients (serves a party or 2 hungry people for days):
1. ½ cup of vegetable oil
2. 1 tablespoon of dried oregano
3. 1 8-ounce can of corn
4. Sour cream for garnish
5. 1 teaspoon of salt
6. Shredded cheddar cheese for garnish
7. 2 tablespoons of ground cumin
8. 1 28-ounce can of whole tomatoes
9. 1 can of garbanzo beans
10. 1 can of black beans
11. 2 stalks of celery chopped coarsely
12. 1 green pepper chopped coarsely
13. 1 red pepper chopped coarsely
14. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely
15. 2 dried New Mexico chilies
16. 1 large carrot peeled and chopped coarsely
17. 1 yellow pepper coarsely
18. 1 onion chopped coarsely.
19. 2 handfuls of mushrooms chopped coarsely
Step 1
Heat up the vegetable oil in a stockpot on medium-high. Sautee the garlic solo until they brown (approx 30 seconds). Cook the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Throw in all the carrots, celery, yellow, red and green peppers and cook until they soften, stirring occasionally. (approx 15 minutes)
Step 2
It’s time to spice things up. Cup up the New Mexico chilies, then toss them into the pot with the mushrooms let it simmer (approx 2 minutes). Now smack it all up with ground cumin, oregano and salt and cook in the flavor (approx 10 minutes).
Step 3
Open up the can of tomatoes and drain the juice into a bowl before chopping the tomatoes up coarsely. Add the tomatoes and juice onto the pot and cook until the tomatoes dissolve and become part of the sauce (approx 10 minutes).
Step 4
Drain the liquid from the cans of corn, garbanzo beans and black beans, then dump them all into the pot and cook them with all the other goodies until they become united in their chili power (approx 10 minutes). Serve up with a sexy selection of toppings like shredded cheddar, sour cream and diced red onions.
Hey, you there! Halt! Step away from the chicken. It didn’t do you no wrong. I can speak as a character witness for the fowl. He ain’t a bad bird. The guy is just a feathered freak doing his thing. There is nothing shameful in doing your thing. Besides, why settle for a night in pummeling that innocent mound when you can be out there getting someone else to choke that bad boy? Trust me when I say both you and your chicken will both be better off for it. Which brings me to this pure unadulterated APHRODISIAC bomb. You are eating a 98.5% payload of vitamins, minerals and phytochemicals to fuel the evening’s cardiovascular requirements. And if that wasn’t enough for you, at no additionally cost, we’ll also throw in an extra kick of sexy time explosion with the spicy aioli to give you a head start in the hot and sweaty department. We here at COOK TO BANG standby our warranty. If you don’t like it, you can return it. We’re THAT confident in our product. Happy munching.
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: White wine is a classy touch, especially something dry like Chardonnay
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 teaspoon of cayenne pepper
2. 1/2 teaspoon of salt
3. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
4. 1 large artichoke
5. 1 lemon cut in half
6. ½ a dried chipotle pepper
7. 1 clove of garlic chopped finely
Step 1
Steam the artichokes on high heat until the artichoke opens up and you can pull out the leaves with ease (approx 35-45 minutes). While they steam, make the sauce in Step 2. When the artichokes are steaming with APHRODISIAC loaded goodness, cut them down the middle slowly. Use a spoon to scoop out the very center where the wispy flowery pieces nest, leaving the artichoke heart intact (the dish’s G spot). Set them on a plate and squeeze one of the lemon halves into open artichoke.
Step 2
Cut up the dried chipotle chili finely. Mix it together with garlic, ½ a lemon, mayonnaise, salt, and cayenne pepper. Refrigerate until the artichoke and your date are ready to rumble.
COOK TO BANG generally advocates you kinky cooks out there to impress the hell out of your chosen conquest. And with good reason. The CTB method of seduction came out of much research I bravely endured for you, my dear reader. But sometimes, depending on your target, simplicity in seduction can be the key. Don’t overdo a first date with a five-course meal complete with champagne and a four-string quartet. You’ll look like a jackass, a jackass who ain’t getting laid. You can play it off casually like you’re throwing together a meal last minute. Invite your date over for a drink before going out to some fancy restaurant written up in your local paper. Then have a friend call your phone and pretend it’s the restaurant informing you they cannot seat you. Feign annoyance, apologize, pour them another drink and offer to cook instead. Your date can find out by “accident” that you happen to be a kickass cook who made something sensational with next to nothing. This spaghetti dish screams nonchalance. Plus it’s vegetarian and vegan friendly, and healthy as hell. It’s win win. READY FOR BEDDY SPAGHETTI makes a great starter, light entrée or can compliment a nice piece of meat. Heh heh…
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or prosecco
Ingredients:
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. 1 teaspoon of salt
4. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
5. ½ a lemon worth of juice
6. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
7. 3 garlic cloves diced finely
8. 2 handfuls of cherry tomatoes cut in half
9. ½ a red onion chopped coarsely
Step 1 Boil the spaghetti al dente. Rinse out the excess starch. While the pasta boils, move onto Step 2. Step 2 Heat up the olive oil in a deep pan or wok on medium-low heat. Sauté the garlic until the begin to brown (approx 30 seconds). Throw in the red onions and sauté until they soften and become translucent (approx 2 minutes). Squeeze in the lemon juice and allow the citrus to be absorbed (approx 2 minutes). Next sauté the cherry tomatoes with the salt until they soften (approx 3 minutes). Finally add the white wine and simmer covered on super low heat (approx 15 minutes). Step 3 Dump the cooked spaghetti into the sauce and mix it all together thoroughly allowing the pasta to heat up. Serve up the spaghetti on a plate with Parmesan if you like. Bravo!
Because one BUTTERNUT SQUASH recipe is never enough. This squash is way too tasty and silky for only one trip around the kitchen. Say you have a glorious ENTRÉE already planned. The wine is picked out. The table was set this morning in anticipation for the amazing evening that lies ahead. But alas, you can’t figure out what to serve with your meal that is classy and delicious. You, my friends (in John McCain voice), are in luck! This dish is hands off and can be prepared passively while you bust out your extraordinary closer recipe. Just be sure to give yourself plenty of time for the squash to roast, and thus fill up your kitchen with sexy smells that make the angels cry. Glory glory hallelujah on your plate. I made this dish last night for a beautiful, but squeamish vegetarian. She complained about the butter and Parmesan ingredients until she took her first bite. Then she took her second and third bites, and then finally she finished it off, inquiring if I had another. I did not have another Bust-a-Nut Squash, but we both got what we wanted. Amen to that!
**My cooking guru, Cookie Lewis and the News, taught me this dish. Her culinary skills make Emeril look like a pansy!
Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you serve with it, but I recommend whiskey, like America’s founding fathers
Ingredients (serves two):
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 tablespoon of butter
4. 3 garlic cloves diced
5. 1 healthy handful of Parmesan
6. 1 butternut squash split and gutted
Step 1
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F. Spread olive oil on each side of the innards of the butternut squash. Scatter the garlic and brown sugar evenly throughout and cover each separately with tinfoil. Roast the squash halves until you can easily pierce the meat with a fork (approx 35 minutes).
Step 2
Scoop out the roast butternut squash meat from the shells being sure to leave them in tact. Mix the squash meat with the butter and Parmesan, using a fork to mash it all together. Scoop the mixture back into the squash shells and salt and pepper as you like. Serve one re-stuffed butternut squash shell onto each plate confident that it tastes 100% CARBOLUSCIOUS!
Few things are more satisfying than diving tongue first into a fishy pink taco. At least that is what I learned while on an unforgettable first date. It started with a lousy Mexican meal we both refused to eat. We drank tequila instead. Some of the details are hazy, but somehow us joking about driving down to Mexico to find the perfect taco turned into reality. I remember rubbing her knee as she gunned her banged up Jetta straight through the border crossing and into chaos that involved me wearing a balloon hat sombrero at a otherwise gringo-free night club with a rodeo in the back. What I do recall with vivid clarity was the next day. I was hung-over and a tad confused about why I was standing on an Ensenada beach haggling with a tiny grandmother over the price of a luchadore wrestling mask. Luckily a boat crashed up on shore with a fisherman holding out his catch of the day put it in perspective. “Tacos?” “Si, senor!” My man lit a fire right there on the sand, gutted the fish, smothered the fillet with some mystery marinade and grilled that on a tiny pan. Our simple goal was achieved. To this day, the perfect taco. But that doesn’t mean you can’t try it at home for your hot date. Did I mention the APHRODISIAC triple threat of seafood, chili, and avocado?
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza (beer) or tequila, or both, like they do in Baja California!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ teaspoon of paprika
4. ½ tablespoon of mayonnaise
5. Hot sauce or SALSA
6. 1 6 ounce tilapia fillet or red snapper
7. 2 lime wedges for recipe, extra for flavor
8. 1 handful of chopped cabbage
9. 4 corn tortillas or two larger flour tortillas (pictured)
10. 2 cloves of garlic
11. ½ a Serrano chili chopped finely, a whole chili if you want a kick in the head
12. ½ an avocado sliced thinly
13. ¼ of a red onion chopped finely
Step 1
To create the fish marinade, mix the garlic, Serrano chili, paprika, black pepper and olive oil in a bowl. Smother the fish fillet in the marinade and leave in the bowl to marinate. (Approx 15 minutes)
Step 2
Why not mix up some coleslaw while the fish marinates? Mix up the red onion, cabbage, mayonnaise, black pepper, paprika and limejuice in a bowl.
Step 3
It’s time to grill that sexed up fish fillet. Grill it for 2-3 minutes on each side. Squeeze lime once you flip it and cook through. Remove the fish and break up into taco size chunks.
Step 4
Spread each tortilla out and mix equal parts fish and coleslaw, crowning it all with avocado slices. Kick it up with some hot sauce, or better yet, MANGO SALSA. Ole mi amigos!
So you’re game for a healthy aphrodisiac that is fast, easy and aesthetically pleasing? Look no further than this fine sesame asparagus recipe. Not only do you have the natural Viagra benefits of the asparagus, but the sweet, sticky honey will ramp up your date’s libido. You might score extra points for the dish being vegetarian and amazingly nutritional, as all aphrodisiacs are. Duh! This side dish will legitimize even the most pathetic attempts at an entrée because it is so damn pretty. Did I mention it was tasty too? The Chinese know what they were doing. My first dance with sesame asparagus happened during a trip to Hong Kong. I was eating at an upscale eatery in Kowloon overlooking the Hong Kong cityscape exploding in choreographed colors. The real lightshow was going on in my mouth, which eventually set my feet dancing like the white devil maniac that I am. Luckily I found a kind local girl to correct my foolish ways and show me around the city, including the magnificent view from her bedroom.
Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what entrée you serve with it, CTB recommends a smooth red wine
Ingredients:
1. 2 tablespoons of dried sesame seeds
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 tablespoon of honey
5. 1 pound of fresh asparagus
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice
Step 1
Mix the soy sauce, olive oil, honey and lemon into a sticky sauce that would glisten in the noonday sun.
Step 2
Steam the asparagus until you can easily pierce them with a fork (approx 5 minutes). Toss the steamed asparagus with the sauce. Place the drenched asparagus in a baking pan with room between each stalk. Sprinkle the sesame seeds evenly over the asparagus.
Step 3
Set the oven to a high broil. Throw the baking sheet with asparagus on the highest rack. Allow the sesame seeds to toast and stick firmly to the asparagus stalks. (Approx 6 minutes) Serve each stalk carefully by grabbing them with tongs to avoid messing up the sesame seeds. Presentation is important.
Here is CTB’s very first promo. Stay tuned for many more video tutorials on recipes, seduction techniques, etc. This one is here to show you just how easy it is to COOK TO BANG. Senorita Fajitas recipe post coming soon. Thank you for your patronage and keep on COOKING TO BANG!
Garlic can kill your game and the plants in your living room if you aren’t careful. Sure the vampires might stay away, but so might your sexy time play pal. But use the right amount and your palette and date will thank you. Garlic can take boring old mash potatoes to a higher plane full of robust flavor and passion. You can cut the garlic bit using buttermilk that will leave your taters velvety and sparkly. This savory side dish can certainly save a main course that resides in Bland City. What better way to impress your new lover’s family during Thanksgiving? You will forever be remembered as that derelict whose only redeeming quality was that killer side dish that outshined their turkey. You might even get invited back next year, with or without their son or daughter. Garlic is also incredibly good for your immune system, which you will need in tiptop condition considering all the banging to be done this holiday season. Should you overdo the garlic, realize you and your date are both stinky, and can make sweet stinky love, relieved to know no vampire will interrupt your tryst. Happy Holidays!
Ingredients:
1. 1 tablespoon salt
2. 1 cup of buttermilk
3. 4 cloves of garlic chopped
4. 1 onion chopped coarsely
5. ¼ stick of butter
6. 7 small red potatoes quartered
Step 1
On medium heat, sauté the garlic, onions and salt in butter until they are soft.
Step 2
Boil a covered pot of water on high heat until it boils. Throw in the potatoes, return it all to a boil, cover and cook for about 15-20 minutes. Use a fork to test if they are cooked through; if the fork easily pierces the potato you are golden. Drain the potatoes in a colander.
Step 3
Combine the sautéed onions and the boiled potatoes. Pour in the buttermilk and blend with a fork, eggbeater or hand blender. Serve up the potatoes as a badass side for Thanksgiving, with pork chops or use as a tasty lubricant.
Total time: approximately 4 hours
Posted by cooktobang 
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 