October 13, 2009
If they ask "Should I stay or should I go?", just shrug.
Sometimes the f@$%-it-all attitude is the best approach to life. Whether we’re talking dating, cooking or anything that involves sheer pleasure, take a backseat and let it be whatever it will be. I know that may sound difficult when you want something badly. Trust me, I’ve been there and learned late in life the importance of not sweating the details. Heed my advice and settle down, tiger. The eager beaver gnaws on wood and not much else. This breakfast is a perfect metaphor. The previous night I grilled my best SPANK MY HALIBUT yet along with some BOAST THE MOST ASS-PARAGUS for a date in who enjoyed it enough to let me sleep over. Come morning time after my second round of banging the cobwebs out of my eyes, I stumbled casually into the kitchen and made this dish in a matter of minutes. We dined, we banged and I slipped out the door, all at a leisurely pace, yet made it to work…only 15 minutes late!
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $3 (plus whatever it cost to make leftovers)
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (for 2):
1. 1 dash black pepper
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 tbsp olive oil
4. 3 eggs
5. 4 tbsp SIMPLY SEXY SALSA
6. 2 slices cheddar cheese
7. Leftover GRILLED FISH
8. Leftover ASPARAGUS
Step 1
Beat the salt and peppered eggs.
Step 2
Sauté the chopped leftover asparagus and fish with the olive oil (approx 2 min). Pour in the eggs, but don’t scramble, just let the egg form around the leftovers like a pancake. When the eggs cook through (approx 3 min), chop up the cheddar cheese and toss them on top, turn off the heat and cover, and allow it to melt. Split eggs in half, serve up on plates and throw down some salsa.
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, healthy, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES | Tagged: @$%-it-all, asparagus, attitude, bang, banging, bbq, black pepper, breakfast, casual, cheddar cheese, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, fish, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grill, guarantee, halibut, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, leftover eggs, leftovers, leisurely, libido, morning, morning sex, naked, olive oil, pancake, recipe, salsa, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, settle down, sex, tasty, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
September 23, 2009
Raw and raunchy is was better than being blah and paunchy!
It has indeed been an oyster filled wonderland here at COOK TO BANG these last few weeks. I would apologize and offer some sort of assurance that something like this will never happen again. But I’m not some sucker embarrassed by the fact that I have a strong passion for sexy foods and sexier times. Oyster are among my favorite ingredients not only for that unique taste and texture, but because you rarely see aphrodisiacs effects demonstrated quite so obviously. You know that when you serve a plate of raw oysters, raunchy things are sure to follow. It’s almost like an unspoken contract two people enter into when the plate of raw goodness arrives at the table. You both accept that any frolicking that follows is not only appropriate, but expected. A word to the unwilling: refuse to eat or order them if you are going to be a prude buzzkill. For the rest of you lovelies, shuck and jive all the way to bed!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: White wine or just about any LIBATION LUBRICATION
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ dozen raw OYSTERS
2. 2 tbsp red wine vinegar
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. ¼ lemon
5. 1 pinch BASIL finely chopped
6. 1 pinch onion finely chopped
7. 1 pinch GINGER finely chopped
8. 1 micro pinch CHILI finely chopped
Step 1
Create the oyster dip by mixing the red wine vinegar, onion, ginger, basil, lemon juice, black pepper and chili. Serve up with the raw oysters and let the naughty games begin!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, buzzkill, chili, delicious, DIY, easy, food, frolicking, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, New Orleans, onion, oyster sauce recipe, Raw & raunchy oysters recipe, recipe, red wine vinegar, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, southern, tart, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 21, 2009
Can you fig it? Yes you can! Can we fig it? Yes we will!
As long as you can fig it, we can dig it! At least that’s what Eve told me when I crashed a party at the Garden of Eden. It was a pretty epic throw down with animals of paradise serving up all manner of hors d’oeuvres from the bountiful fruit found in the garden. God was DJ’ing, digging in his crate of music not-yet-invented to keep the party hopping. The best part was that everyone was naked, unaware that their hot bodies were meant to cause them shame. Adam was too busy discussing his odd mass of body hair around his pubic region with my wingman the snake to notice that I had led Eve away to fix her up some food of biblical awesomeness. I gathered all the goods throughout the garden and slapped it together. Did you know English muffins grew on trees before Original Sin? Eve was all about it and more than down to commit sins not yet documented. Post-coital, totally out of breath, Eve was hungry once more. I was on my way out, but my man the snake that just whooped Adam’s ass in a nectar-drinking contest, tossed her an apple as we vanished into history once more.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA or holy water (just add vodka)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise (or your favorite condom-ment)
2. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
4. 1 English muffin
5. 1 tomatoes sliced thinly
6. 4 FIGS sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful fresh BASIL
Step 1
Split the English muffin in half and toast it. Spread a little mayo or the condom-ment that gets you the wettest. Add green onion, tomato, avocado and crown it all with some kick ass figs.
Serve it up to your date and commence with some original sin!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, RECIPES, SINWICHES, vegetarian | Tagged: adam & eve, avocado, awesomeness, bang, banging, basil, bible, biblical, can you dig it?, delicious, DIY, dj, drinking contest, easy, English muffin, fig, Fig sandwich recipe, food, forbidden fruit, fruit, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, god, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, hors d'oeuvres, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mayonnaise, naked, nectar, original sin, pubic hair, recipe, sandwich, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, snake, tasty, toast, tomato, veggies, wingman, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 18, 2009
Shoot em up with aphrodisiac charged slurps!
Ready, aim, fire! KERPLOW! That’s the sound of resistance to your sexy ass being obliterated. Oysters as you well know rev up the engine in your pantalones like filling up a Prius with rocket fuel or feeding a gerbil meth. And combine it with the sweet warm embrace of vodka and you are ready to fucking rumble, I first fell in love with oyster shooters in the Big Easy, New Orleans for you uninitiated. I downed three of them before charging out onto Bourbon Street where Mardi gras madness was on like a very horny Donkey Kong. The seething mass of frat boys and sorostitutes were no match for me. I was suited and booted with oyster power that made me stand out from the crowd of fools. I led one such sorority tramp away from the rest of the Greeks, pounded oyster shots with her and then vanished to my nearby hotel room where we banged each other’s brains out. Things got a little weird after when I forgot her name (Courtney perhaps?), but my libido made up for my apparent disrespect of this Southern Belle, I do declare!
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Eating Buddy: This is best of both worlds: food & booze!
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1½ shots ice-cold vodka
2. 4 dashes TABASCO sauce
3. 2 slices lemon
4. 2 raw OYSTERS
5. 2 pinches cilantro chopped finely
Step 1
Remove the raw oysters from the shells and scoop them into the shot glasses. Add the cilantro and lemon, fill up the glasses with vodka, and add a few dashes of Tabasco sauce. Bottoms up…literally!
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: big easy, booze, delicious, donkey kong, food, frat boy, game changer, gerbil, get laid, greeks, guarantee, intercourse, kerplow, kitchen, lemon, libation lubrication, libido, Louisiana, mardis gras, meth, New Orleans, oh boy, Oyster shooter recipe, oysters, recipe, resistance, seduce, SEDUCTION, shoot her, sorostitute, southern belle, Tabasco sauce, tasty, vodka, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 15, 2009
2 sexy, satisfied customers
So upon special request, I am posting these antics from Friday night at a bar in New York. The setting: my birthday in NY with lots of near and dear friends. We were seated next to a fireplace and someone suggested we roast s’mores. Naturally I was challenged to make it happen. So a little tipsy and rather determined, I stepped out into the rainy night at midnight in search of ingredients. The chocolate and cookies (no bodega in NY carries graham crackers) were easy to find. The marshmallows not so much. But resourceful was my middle name and I found a restaurant that serves hot chocolate with marshmallows. They handed me a tub of marshmallows free of charge partly because I am so goddamn charming, but also since it was my birthday and they probably didn’t want a drunk fool scaring the customers. Next I went up to my hotel room, broke a wooden coat hanger for the metal wiring and was back to my friends in 15 minutes. After clearing it with the establishment, we were roasted marshmallows in the fireplace. Women flocked like hipsters to mustache wax. I have discovered the greatest pickup line EVER: “S’mores?” You’re welcome!
Total time: approximately 2 minutes per S’more
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Whatever is in your hand
Ingredients (for 10 happy customers, or 5 greedy ones):
1. 10 marshmallows
2. 1 CHOCOLATE bar
3. Round cookies (graham crackers unavailable)
Step 1
First you need a fireplace in a bar. Next you need track down your ingredients (or come prepared). Find a metal wire or wooden stick and place your marshmallow on the end of it. Roast it to your preferred level of gooeyness (I like mine a little charred). Slap the marshmallow on the cookie, add a sliver of chocolate and VOILA!
If you can’t at least pull a phone number you are a sucka!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, SEDUCTION, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bar, bodega, chocolate, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, graham crackers, guarantee, homemade, hotel, intercourse, kitchen, libido, marshmallows, naked, new york, nyc, pickup, pua, recipe, roast, S’mores recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 3, 2009
Pity Party table for one?
No, it’s not your pity party and you can’t cry if you want unless you like public ridicule. So you struck out last night. In spite of your best efforts to woo, you still slept alone last night. Don’t be so mopey. It happens to all of us. A little slump now and again will make you appreciate your mojo all the more. Still, you deserve a little romance. We all deserve to feel special. In sexual bear markets, cook to bang yourself. You know that at least you will put out to you. Cook yourself a fine ass breakfast after a passionate night with that sexy bastard in the mirror. Who loves you?
Total time: approximately 6 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 large pita
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 3 eggs
6. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful feta cheese
8. 1 small handful chopped parsley
9. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
10. 1 onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Beat the eggs with salt, pepper and parsley.
Step 2
Sauté the onion in olive oil (approx 2 min). Dump the eggs into the pan and scramble (approx 3 min), crowning it with the feta cheese.
Step 3
Split the pita in half and open up the middle. Stuff half the eggs into each, followed by the tomato and avocado.
Serve these with a side of SALSA if you’re feeling a little caliente.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, greek, healthy, Middle Eastern, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bear market, breakfast, cry if I want to, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, masturbation, mojo, morning, naked, pita breakfast sandwich, pity party pita breakfast recipe, recipe, romance, seduce, SEDUCTION, self pity, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 1, 2009
These shrimp are tres tres baba cool. No?
If this recipe title isn’t obvious enough, I was up in French Canada. Just call me the ambassador of morally bankrupt American diplomacy. In other words, I’m your typical ambassador. The fact I wasn’t given a motorcade and a villa with a masseuse and sushi chef is beyond me. So I did what I always, make do in style. I befriended a pair of Salopes at an art gallery who invited me over for a barbecue the next day. A bag of shrimp and I was in the door, rifling through their fridge to make something work. The ingredients below are what they had, and thank god for that! My new friends were impressed. One insisted I stay with her for a few days. Canadian-American relations have never been better.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or beer
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 onion chopper coarsely
2. 2 tbsp olive oil
3. 1 dash red CHILI flakes
4. 1 dash paprika
5. 1 dash salt
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 handful parsley chopped
8. 1 lb large SHRIMP in shells
9. ¼ lemon
Step 1
Marinate the shrimp with garlic, lemon juice, salt, paprika, red chili flakes, and 1 tbsp olive oil (approx 10 min).
Step 2
Saute the onions in the remaining olive oil until translucent (approx 3 min). Add the shrimp, spreading them out. Flip the shrimp when they pinken (approx 2 min per side). Throw in the parsley and cook another minute.
Serve these shrimp solo or with a SALAD.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: ambassador, American, bang, banging, barbecue, Canada, delicious, diplomacy, DIY, easy, food, French Canadian, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, masseuse, montreal, motorcade, naked, olive oil, onion, paprika, parsley, quebec, recipe, red chili flakes, salope, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, Shrimp scampi recipe, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 13, 2009
The big fig gets the smokiest meat
For the record, I am totally gay for figs. They are one of history’s oldest fruits. Ever hear of the hanging gardens of Babylon? Figs hung proudly there and flavored many ancient meals. No doubt these edible APHRODISIACS were all over the Garden of Eden. Adam and Eve just had to sample the far blander apple and ruin everything. Not that there’s anything wrong with apples, knowledge or original sin. Figs are just tastier, sexier and more likely to get you laid. Sexy time is nearly certain once you wrap the figs up with Italian prosciutto and throw in some creamy Brie cheese. Run, don’t walk to your nearest quality grocer and slice off a piece of the Garden of Eden.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red Wine or a SAN-GRAB-YA SANGRIA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Brie cheese
2. 4 fresh FIGS
3. 4 prosciutto slices
Step 1
Quarter the figs and add small slices of Brie to each section. Pull off long strips of proscuitto and wrap each fig/brie unit. Serve up on a plate or laid across your naked body.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: adam & eve, aphrodisiac, Babylon, bang, banging, brie cheese, cocktail food, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, fig, finger food, food, foreplay, game changer, garden of Eden, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hanging gardens, homemade, intercourse, italian, Italy, kitchen, knowledge, libido, meat, Mediterranean, naked, original sin, prosciutto fig brie appetizers, prosciutto wrapped figs recipe, proscuitto, protein, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, starters, tapas, tasty, wrap, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 30, 2009
They host, you boast...to your friends after the act.
The COOK TO BANG has been proven by the superstring theory via that supercollider in the Swiss Alps. Effective as CTB may be, every once in a while you want to take your sexy cooking show on the road. Why not take your wares to your dates pad? It’ll seem spontaneous and romantic, even if you just don’t feel like cleaning up the mess after your done banging. The plot is to show up to their place with a bag of groceries and commandeer their kitchen like some hungry pirate. Soon you will be swashbuckling about with their pots and pans and will eventually end up without shirts or pants, just an eye patch and a dirty-talking parrot. Sure your date may be technically hosting, but you will both know who’s in control. This salad will be a great first mate as you pillage and plunder your date’s booty.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Red wine or a PANTY DROPPING SHANDY
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ cup balsamic vinegar
2. 2 tbsp HONEY
3. 1 dash black pepper
4. 1 dash salt
5. ½ tbsp olive oil
6. 2 large handfuls fresh spinach
7. 1 handful shredded mozzarella
8. 2 heirloom tomatoes
9. 4 fresh BASIL leaves
10. ¼ lemon
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F. Slice each heirloom tomato in half and set them in a baking pan. Drizzle the tomatoes with olive oil, sprinkle them with salt and pepper, place a basil leaf on each and crown them with mozzarella. Toss them in the oven and roast until the tomato softens and cheese melts (approx 35 min).
Step 2
Make the balsamic reduction dressing by turning stove onto medium heat and adding the honey and balsamic vinegar, stirring vigorously. Cook the liquid down to 1/3 of its original volume. Pour the dressing into a container and allow it to cool.
Step 3
Split the spinach between plates. Place two roasted heirloom tomatoes on each bed of spinach and pour over the balsamic reduction. Squeeze some lemon juice over if your craving some sour.
Serve up as a perfect lunch after a quickie (hint, bang while the heirloom tomatoes roast) or as a starter for an ENTRÉE.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, balsamic vinegar, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, booty, commandeer, delicious, dirty-talking, DIY, easy, eye patch, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, heirloom tomato, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, mozzarella, naked, olive oil, parrot, pillage, pirate, plunder, recipe, roast heirloom tomato salad recipe, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach, spontaneous, supercollider, superstring theory, swashbuckling, swiss alps, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 28, 2009
Pimp that shrimp like a chimp with a limp
First off, my apologies for yesterdays post. I think I ate the brown acid again. As penance, please accept this kick ass salad that is scrumptious, packed with protein and an aphrodisiac quadruple threat. This dish will not disappoint in the pimping department. All those flavors will be out working the corner for you, luring johns and janes in for a little cat scratch fever. Once they get a taste, they will be customers for life…or until you kick their ass to the curb in favor of a better paying/looking clientele. Always remember that a good pimp is a kind pimp. No need to rough up the goods by tossing that salad too hard. A couple good shakes will put the flavor hos in line to do your bidding. Now get out there and get that money, honey!
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $17
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash CAYENNE PEPPER
2. 1 dash salt
3. 1 tbsp red wine vinegar
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. 1 small handful jack cheese
6. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
7. ½ lb ASPARAGUS spears
8. 1 small handful BASIL chopped finely
9. 1 small handful parsley chopped finely
10. ½ lemon
11.½ lb cook SHRIMP, tails removed
12. 2 large handfuls fresh spinach
Step 1
Cut the stems off the asparagus spears and blanch them in a thin layer of water (approx 5 min). Chop the asparagus in half.
Step 2
While the asparagus blanches, create the dressing by combining the basil, parsley, cayenne pepper, salt, red wine vinegar and olive oil.
Step 3
Toss the red bell pepper, shrimp, asparagus, dressing and lemon. Allow it to marinate in the fridge (approx 20 min).
Step 4
Place half the spinach on each plate and crown with jack cheese. Drain the dressing from the shrimp and veggies and split up the goods.
Serve as perfect lunch salad or follow it up with something meaty like ROASTED CHICKEN RUB DOWN.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, bang, banging, basil, brown acid, cat scratch fever, cayenne pepper, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, fiber, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, greens, guarantee, healthy, homemade, hos, intercourse, jack cheese, janes, johns, kitchen, lemon, libido, low-carb, naked, olive oil, parsley, penance, pimp, pimp that shrimpy ass-paragus recipe, prostitutes, protein, recipe, red bell pepper, red wine vinegar, roughage, salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, shrimp asparagus salad recipe, spinach, tasty, toss your salad, veggies, whores, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients (for 2):
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 