SEXIER THAN DEAD ELVIS SINWICH

July 23, 2014
They serve this fried delight at the Heartbreak Hotel

They serve this fried delight at the Heartbreak Hotel

Elvis has left the building…in a body bag.  Too many fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches I suppose. I can’t explain it, but hipsters love them some Elvis.  Must be the irony associated with his gold lamé suit, mutual love of pills and consumption of odd foods sure to leave you bloated and possibly dead on the shitter.  Cook To Bang does not endorse this behavior nor the hipster lifestyle.  But this sandwich is a delicious lark to share with your hipster lover after an ironic banging session.  Just be sure to crank some Elvis tunes, you hunk a hunk of burning love.  (That burning is Chlamydia, by the way.) Read the rest of this entry »


STIFFLY STUFFED AVOCADOS

June 4, 2014

Stuff those creamy green treats with some mad flavor!

Stuff those creamy green treats with some mad flavor!

Straight out of a fancy country club near you is this stuffed avocado recipe with a twist.  The catch is we are adding some much needed flavor, spice and additional aphrodisiacs of course.  The avocado already works wonders for your libido, but combine it with some spicy chili and shrimp you have the Guns of the Navarone firing in your mouth.  This dish is sweet, tangy, spicy and creamy in one fell swoop.  It’s like having a lover with split personality: from the crazy bisexual stripper to the meek librarian cum closet sexpot.  This salad is all good and rather enjoyable.  It should work like a champ in getting you the desired randy results.  No doubt, somewhere a prude country club member is exclaiming, “I never!” Read the rest of this entry »


VIAGRA ON ICE

May 15, 2014
Prescription-strength delicious

Prescription-strength delicious

It’s party time! The night is full of possibilities.  You have your date lined up.  You are pretty sure things are good to go. So don’t leave the cocktails to chance.  Class wherever you’re going up with some watermelon ice cubes.  You can turn a boring vodka soda into a superbly subtle recipe for delectable debauchery.  Watermelon is a bonafide aphrodisiac that has the same compounds that Viagra offers to get guys’ pistons firing at full speed.   The juicy melon is mostly water, with a refreshing flavor that does your body right.  Allow the cube to melt and the watermelon particles break away, turbo-charging your drink for the night ahead.  If an erection lasts for more than four hours…go with it! Read the rest of this entry »


JUEVOS GRANDE RANCHEROS

April 25, 2014
This dish's sexy quotient runs deeper than the Rio Grand

This dish's sexy quotient runs deeper than the Rio Grand

Hola, muchachos!  So it’s breakfast once again.  You’re ready for enough sustenance to satisfy the biggest machismo tough guy, but delicate enough to seduce the daintiest of conquests.  Good thing you have juevos grande…rancheros of course!  This classic Mexican desayuno is packed to the brim with black bean APHRODISIAC goodness, loaded with protein egg power and filled with veggie delights to keep you banging for years to come.  Your date’s health can only improve with you in their life because making a dish like this is incredibly thoughtful.  Well played!  I prepared this meal for a senorita of my own who was surprised that a gringo was able to serve up authentic juevos rancheros.  They were nearly as tasty as the siesta we took after breakfast.  Adios, mi amigos! Read the rest of this entry »


MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE

August 14, 2013
making out on your bed.

Holy mole, Batman! You got Cat Woman and Poison Ivy right where you want them: making out on your bed.

I hope you’re not too busy because your calendar is about to get busy. Learn to make this dish right and you won’t be lacking in dinner dates for a long time. Meet the enchanting Mexican mole. The chili/chocolate APHRODISIAC double play rides backseat to the powerful array of flavors rocking this dish. The Aztec, Italian, Spanish and Mexican cultures together inspired what became a literal melting pot of delicious cuisine. Chicken will never be the same after you bake it in what is in essence spicy chocolate sauce. Mole has warmed up my winter turning my street cred platinum. I have hotties I barely know inquiring via facebook when I’ll make them say “Holy mole!” Soon. Very soon. Read the rest of this entry »


LICK YOUR LIPS MINT JULEP

May 3, 2013
Frankly, my dear.  I don't give a damn if you're tired.  Let's bang.

Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn if you're tired. Let's bang.

I do declare!  Watching all these thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby sure does make me hot under the collar.  The horse racing is nice too. The Southern belles wearing their summer hats and sundresses easily bests watching graceful four-legged beasts kick up fresh grass.  Hot to fucking trot!  It seems this race is nothing more than an excuse for bourgeois people to socialize and fornicate.  Fine with me.  It’s like a guy in a threesome.  He’s only there so the girls don’t feel like they are lesbians.  Don’t worry, girls.  Guys will always be willing to be your reason du jour.  Naturally, girls peeling sundresses off in the summer heat makes you want to cool off with a classic Southern beverage like the mint julep.  Plays your cards right, mix the drink well, and you gents might be lucky enough to be the excuse for a threesome.  Just remember, you’re really only there to watch.  Enjoy the show! Read the rest of this entry »


CTB BOOK PROMO 2: COOK TO BANG VS. RESTAURANT DATE

May 5, 2010

And along comes the second installment of the emotional Douche Bags VS. Cook To Bang guy saga. This time the douches crash and burn spending serious coin at a fancy restaurant. The Cook To Bang guy kills it by simply cooking and banging at home.

Stay tuned for the final DBag chapter. 1 week until the CTB BOOK hits bookshelves! I know you’re waiting with baited breath.

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