JUEVOS GRANDE RANCHEROS

April 25, 2014
This dish's sexy quotient runs deeper than the Rio Grand

This dish's sexy quotient runs deeper than the Rio Grand

Hola, muchachos!  So it’s breakfast once again.  You’re ready for enough sustenance to satisfy the biggest machismo tough guy, but delicate enough to seduce the daintiest of conquests.  Good thing you have juevos grande…rancheros of course!  This classic Mexican desayuno is packed to the brim with black bean APHRODISIAC goodness, loaded with protein egg power and filled with veggie delights to keep you banging for years to come.  Your date’s health can only improve with you in their life because making a dish like this is incredibly thoughtful.  Well played!  I prepared this meal for a senorita of my own who was surprised that a gringo was able to serve up authentic juevos rancheros.  They were nearly as tasty as the siesta we took after breakfast.  Adios, mi amigos! Read the rest of this entry »


MO’ LAYS CHICKEN MOLE

August 14, 2013
making out on your bed.

Holy mole, Batman! You got Cat Woman and Poison Ivy right where you want them: making out on your bed.

I hope you’re not too busy because your calendar is about to get busy. Learn to make this dish right and you won’t be lacking in dinner dates for a long time. Meet the enchanting Mexican mole. The chili/chocolate APHRODISIAC double play rides backseat to the powerful array of flavors rocking this dish. The Aztec, Italian, Spanish and Mexican cultures together inspired what became a literal melting pot of delicious cuisine. Chicken will never be the same after you bake it in what is in essence spicy chocolate sauce. Mole has warmed up my winter turning my street cred platinum. I have hotties I barely know inquiring via facebook when I’ll make them say “Holy mole!” Soon. Very soon. Read the rest of this entry »


LICK YOUR LIPS MINT JULEP

May 3, 2013
Frankly, my dear.  I don't give a damn if you're tired.  Let's bang.

Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn if you're tired. Let's bang.

I do declare!  Watching all these thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby sure does make me hot under the collar.  The horse racing is nice too. The Southern belles wearing their summer hats and sundresses easily bests watching graceful four-legged beasts kick up fresh grass.  Hot to fucking trot!  It seems this race is nothing more than an excuse for bourgeois people to socialize and fornicate.  Fine with me.  It’s like a guy in a threesome.  He’s only there so the girls don’t feel like they are lesbians.  Don’t worry, girls.  Guys will always be willing to be your reason du jour.  Naturally, girls peeling sundresses off in the summer heat makes you want to cool off with a classic Southern beverage like the mint julep.  Plays your cards right, mix the drink well, and you gents might be lucky enough to be the excuse for a threesome.  Just remember, you’re really only there to watch.  Enjoy the show! Read the rest of this entry »


CTB BOOK PROMO 2: COOK TO BANG VS. RESTAURANT DATE

May 5, 2010

And along comes the second installment of the emotional Douche Bags VS. Cook To Bang guy saga. This time the douches crash and burn spending serious coin at a fancy restaurant. The Cook To Bang guy kills it by simply cooking and banging at home.

Stay tuned for the final DBag chapter. 1 week until the CTB BOOK hits bookshelves! I know you’re waiting with baited breath.

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ROAST-A-NUT SQUASH

January 13, 2009
Don't hold back, Bust-a-Nut Squash!

Don't hold back, Bust-a-Nut Squash!

Because one BUTTERNUT SQUASH recipe is never enough.  This squash is way too tasty and silky for only one trip around the kitchen.  Say you have a glorious ENTRÉE already planned.  The wine is picked out. The table was set this morning in anticipation for the amazing evening that lies ahead.  But alas, you can’t figure out what to serve with your meal that is classy and delicious.  You, my friends (in John McCain voice), are in luck!  This dish is hands off and can be prepared passively while you bust out your extraordinary closer recipe.  Just be sure to give yourself plenty of time for the squash to roast, and thus fill up your kitchen with sexy smells that make the angels cry.  Glory glory hallelujah on your plate.  I made this dish last night for a beautiful, but squeamish vegetarian.  She complained about the butter and Parmesan ingredients until she took her first bite.  Then she took her second and third bites, and then finally she finished it off, inquiring if I had another.  I did not have another Bust-a-Nut Squash, but we both got what we wanted.  Amen to that!

**My cooking guru, Cookie Lewis and the News, taught me this dish.  Her culinary skills make Emeril look like a pansy!

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you serve with it, but I recommend whiskey, like America’s founding fathers

roasted-butternut-squash-prepIngredients (serves two):
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 tablespoon of butter
4. 3 garlic cloves diced
5. 1 healthy handful of Parmesan
6. 1 butternut squash split and gutted

Step 1
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.  Spread olive oil on each side of the innards of the butternut squash.  Scatter the garlic and brown sugar evenly throughout and cover each separately with tinfoil.  Roast the squash halves until you can easily pierce the meat with a fork (approx 35 minutes).
roasted-butternut-squash-roast
Step 2
Scoop out the roast butternut squash meat from the shells being sure to leave them in tact.  Mix the squash meat with the butter and Parmesan, using a fork to mash it all together.  Scoop the mixture back into the squash shells and salt and pepper as you like.  Serve one re-stuffed butternut squash shell onto each plate confident that it tastes 100% CARBOLUSCIOUS!

roasted-butternut-squash-mix-stuffroasted-butternut-squash-served-2

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MAKE ‘EM BEG EGG SALAD SINWICH

January 11, 2009

Lunch never tasted so egg-cellent!

Lunch never tasted so egg-cellent!

A few years back I was in the UK for work, but treated it like a vacation. I promised my mother I would look up an old friend of hers, Lady something or other. We met for teatime in her manor outside of London with her daughter in tow. The daughter was in her early twenties and looked like Keira Knightley with a silver spoon shoved way up her bum. The girl was gorgeous, but a far cry from the good time Britons I befriended at a London techno club the previous evening. Little lady spoon-up-her-ass ignored the boorish American eating egg salad sandwiches and charming her mother. After our spot of tea, my mother’s friend instructed her daughter to show me around the grounds of their estate. She reluctantly showed me the horses, emus and llamas, her mother’s prized rose garden and finally the neatly manicured maze. You can tell how rich British person is by the size of their maze. This maze was HUGE. I insisted we venture in and allowed her to lead me through. To this day, I don’t know whether she got us lost on purpose. What I am sure of is that this lady became a tramp away from prying eyes. This girl who had earlier regarded me as less appealing than dogshit on her shoe suddenly pounced on me like a lioness in heat. We returned to the manor tousled with grass stains all over her frilly white dress. She returned to her icy cold robot mode, never mentioning our unmentionable act. I consumed more tea and egg salad sandwiches, which tasted way better post-coitus.

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $3
Drinking Buddy: This is lunch time fare so an iced tea or lemonade, unless you are a three martini lunch kind of guy

egg-salad-prepIngredients (for two):
1. 3 eggs
2. 1 tablespoon of mayonnaise
3. ½ a teaspoon of cayenne pepper
4. Salt to taste
5. ¼ lime of juice
6. ½ an avocado (had to throw APHRODISIAC in the mix)
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. 4 slices of bread

Step 1
Get a pot of water boiling and toss the eggs until they are hard-boiled (approx 5 minutes). Place the eggs in a bowl of water and ice to cool them down before you remove the shells.
egg-salad-hard-boiled1
Step 2
Combine the eggs, green onions, cayenne pepper, salt and limejuice in a bowl. Mix it all up with a fork to smash the eggs into tiny chunks. Your egg salad should have a yellow tinge from the yolks and cayenne.
egg-salad-mix
Step 3
Toast the bread, preferably not too dark. Split up the egg salad between the two slices of toasted bread. Set avocado on top of each, close the sandwiches, split them in half and serve.
egg-salad-assembleegg-salad-served-2

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SPANKING SPANISH RICE

January 9, 2009
This Spanish Rice is certifiably spankingly spectacular!
This Spanish Rice is certifiably spankingly spectacular!

Barcelona in the later summer is a guaranteed whirlwind for the weary traveler with a backpack. Flamenco guitars serenade beauties in the balconies above and capture the heart of even the biggest hater. I remember one thing with absolute clarity: the quality of the food and women are top notch. Black designer mini dresses flapping behind Vespas. Plates piled high with raw shellfish and overflowing bowls of the best rice I had ever tasted. One night after a sangria or three and a plate full of OYSTERS, I found myself being led to a discotequa by a Nigerian Dr. Dre wannabe I befriended at a coffee shop. My evening soundtrack became hip hop beats to Catalan** lyrics. I don’t speak a word. My 3rd grade level Spanish was all I had to flirt with a Barcelona pure-bred hottie. She awarded me an A for effort and danced with me out in a plaza off Las Ramblas. We were good to go back to my place until she found out I was at a hostel sharing a room with three strangers. She vanished into the nearest cab leaving me bummed out with blue balls. So I cheered myself up with a perfect consolation prize: a plate of Spanish rice. I suppose that it was almost as good as spanking a Spaniard.

**In Barcelona, they speak Catalan, a derivation of Spanish that is a bitch to learn.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends what you serve with it. Tequila, beer or sangria if you are feeling especially Spanish

spanish-rice-toast-prepIngredients:
1. 1 cup of white rice
2. 2 cups of chicken broth
3. 1 dash of salt
4. ¼ cup of olive oil
5. 1 handful of chopped cilantro
6. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
7. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 red bell pepper chopped coarsely
10. 1 small carrot chopped or grated coarsely

Step 1
Toast the rice first by heating up the oil in a pan on medium heat and cook until they brown, stirring occasionally (approx 5 minutes). Throw in the garlic and cook another minute. Throw in the rest of the veggies: cilantro, tomato, onion, bell pepper and carrot and cook them down with the toasty rice (approx 5 minutes).
spanish-rice-toast-veggies
Step 2
Pour in the chicken stock and salt it up a bit. Crank the heat up until the stalk begins to boil, then turn the heat down super low and simmer until the rice absorbs the stock (approx 20 minutes). You officially have some spectacular spanking Spanish rice to serve with something equally outstanding like ORANGASMIC CATFISH, FISHY PINK TACOS or MOLE. Go get those chicas and hombres!
spanish-rice-boil

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FISHY PINK TACOS

January 8, 2009

This fish taco is your amigo con benefits!

This fish taco is your amigo con benefits!

Few things are more satisfying than diving tongue first into a fishy pink taco. At least that is what I learned while on an unforgettable first date. It started with a lousy Mexican meal we both refused to eat. We drank tequila instead. Some of the details are hazy, but somehow us joking about driving down to Mexico to find the perfect taco turned into reality. I remember rubbing her knee as she gunned her banged up Jetta straight through the border crossing and into chaos that involved me wearing a balloon hat sombrero at a otherwise gringo-free night club with a rodeo in the back. What I do recall with vivid clarity was the next day. I was hung-over and a tad confused about why I was standing on an Ensenada beach haggling with a tiny grandmother over the price of a luchadore wrestling mask. Luckily a boat crashed up on shore with a fisherman holding out his catch of the day put it in perspective. “Tacos?” “Si, senor!” My man lit a fire right there on the sand, gutted the fish, smothered the fillet with some mystery marinade and grilled that on a tiny pan. Our simple goal was achieved. To this day, the perfect taco. But that doesn’t mean you can’t try it at home for your hot date. Did I mention the APHRODISIAC triple threat of seafood, chili, and avocado?

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Cerveza (beer) or tequila, or both, like they do in Baja California!

fishy-pink-tacos-prep1Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes of black pepper
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. ½ teaspoon of paprika
4. ½ tablespoon of mayonnaise
5. Hot sauce or SALSA
6. 1 6 ounce tilapia fillet or red snapper
7. 2 lime wedges for recipe, extra for flavor
8. 1 handful of chopped cabbage
9. 4 corn tortillas or two larger flour tortillas (pictured)
10. 2 cloves of garlic
11. ½ a Serrano chili chopped finely, a whole chili if you want a kick in the head
12. ½ an avocado sliced thinly
13. ¼ of a red onion chopped finely

Step 1
To create the fish marinade, mix the garlic, Serrano chili, paprika, black pepper and olive oil in a bowl. Smother the fish fillet in the marinade and leave in the bowl to marinate. (Approx 15 minutes)

fishy-pink-tacos-marinate

Step 2
Why not mix up some coleslaw while the fish marinates? Mix up the red onion, cabbage, mayonnaise, black pepper, paprika and limejuice in a bowl.
fishy-pink-tacos-coleslaw
Step 3
It’s time to grill that sexed up fish fillet. Grill it for 2-3 minutes on each side. Squeeze lime once you flip it and cook through. Remove the fish and break up into taco size chunks.
fishy-pink-tacos-grill
Step 4
Spread each tortilla out and mix equal parts fish and coleslaw, crowning it all with avocado slices. Kick it up with some hot sauce, or better yet, MANGO SALSA. Ole mi amigos!

Fishy Pink Tacos Wrappedfishy-pink-tacos-served-2

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RUB YOUR AVOCADO BUTT-ER ON MY GRILLED SALMON

January 6, 2009

Rub-a-dub-dub all over my grub.

Rub-a-dub-dub all over my grub.

The time has come to essentially grill one aphrodisiac in the essence of another. No, I’m not talking about boiling vodka and Viagra together, although I hear they serve that ice cold in Tijuana. In a matter of 10 minutes you can have two salmon steaks grilled to perfectly in avocado butter. The creamy nutrients and silky texture of the avocado absorbs naturally into the tender, protein-packed salmon, essentially becoming one perfect package. It’s as if these two supernaturally sexy ingredients were destined to be together like Romeo and Juliet or Thelma and Louise. Let fate take over your date and you’ll be naked and out of breath on your bed before you can say, “Another glass of wine?”

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: White wine or beer

salmon-avocado-butter-prepIngredients (for two):
1. 2 salmon steaks
2. ½ teaspoon of garlic powder
3. ½ teaspoon of onion powder
4. A dash of salt
5. ½ a lemon of juice
6. 2 green onions diced
7. 1 avocado

Step 1
Mix up the green onions, avocado (scooped out of skin), lemon juice, onion powder and garlic powder in a bowl, smashing it all up with a fork, whisk or hand blender. The avocado butter will look much like guacamole.
salmon-avocado-butter-mixing1
Step 2
Spread the avocado butter evenly over each side of the salmon steaks, beginning with the topside. On medium heat, heat up a portable grill or frying pan and put the avocado butter side of the salmon down. Cover the other side of the salmon steaks with avocado butter and squeeze lemon juice over them. Once the outside of the salmon turns pinkish-white (approx 3 minutes), flip the steaks making sure not to lose the grilled avocado butter. Grill the other side so the salmon is cooked thoroughly (approx 2 minutes) and serve up with some righteous veggies like asparagus.
salmon-avocado-butter-grillsalmon-avocado-butter-served-3

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ASS-SENTIAL SESAME ASS-PARAGUS

January 5, 2009
Sesame equals sex-to-me
Sesame equals sex-to-me

So you’re game for a healthy aphrodisiac that is fast, easy and aesthetically pleasing?  Look no further than this fine sesame asparagus recipe.  Not only do you have the natural Viagra benefits of the asparagus, but the sweet, sticky honey will ramp up your date’s libido.  You might score extra points for the dish being vegetarian and amazingly nutritional, as all aphrodisiacs are.  Duh!  This side dish will legitimize even the most pathetic attempts at an entrée because it is so damn pretty.  Did I mention it was tasty too?  The Chinese know what they were doing.  My first dance with sesame asparagus happened during a trip to Hong Kong.  I was eating at an upscale eatery in Kowloon overlooking the Hong Kong cityscape exploding in choreographed colors.  The real lightshow was going on in my mouth, which eventually set my feet dancing like the white devil maniac that I am.  Luckily I found a kind local girl to correct my foolish ways and show me around the city, including the magnificent view from her bedroom.

Total time: approximately 15 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what entrée you serve with it, CTB recommends a smooth red wine

sesame-asparagus-prepIngredients:
1. 2 tablespoons of dried sesame seeds
2. 1 tablespoon of soy sauce
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 tablespoon of honey
5. 1 pound of fresh asparagus
6. ½ a lemon worth of juice

Step 1
Mix the soy sauce, olive oil, honey and lemon into a sticky sauce that would glisten in the noonday sun.
sesame-asparagus-sauce
Step 2
Steam the asparagus until you can easily pierce them with a fork (approx 5 minutes).  Toss the steamed asparagus with the sauce.  Place the drenched asparagus in a baking pan with room between each stalk.  Sprinkle the sesame seeds evenly over the asparagus.
sesame-asparagus-steam-seed
Step 3
Set the oven to a high broil.  Throw the baking sheet with asparagus on the highest rack.  Allow the sesame seeds to toast and stick firmly to the asparagus stalks.  (Approx 6 minutes) Serve each stalk carefully by grabbing them with tongs to avoid messing up the sesame seeds.  Presentation is important.
sesame-asparagus-bake

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