February 15, 2010
Serve up ketchup to cure up relationship hiccups
Post Valentines Day blues? Did you forget to buy jewelry? Bring baby’s breath flowers instead of roses? OR were you the insensitive $@*&! that forgot the day altogether? Regardless of your trespasses, your significant other is mighty pissed. Odds are your ass is about to be bounced right out the door. You best be proactive to solve this little quandary before they are on the phone with that ex you hate or off to the bar to slut it up with the first sketchball that buys them a drink. Take it from a guy who has pissed off more girls than I have hairs on my head (no receding hairline here), drastic measures are called for if you want to keep them around. Since the CTB method is my ticket to everything from company for the night to free timeshare rentals in Costa Rica, food is the answer to most of my problems. Cook To Beg with a jar of homemade ketchup.
Total time: approximately 12 hours (1 hr cooking, 11 hrs refrigerated)
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you slather it over
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 small can tomato paste
3. ½ cup white wine vinegar
4. 1 28 OZ can tomatoes
5. 1/2 cup brown sugar
6. 1 onion chopped coarsely
7. 1 dash salt
8. 1 small handful chopped BASIL
Step 1
Puree the tomatoes.
Step 2
Sauté the onion in olive oil on medium heat (approx 5 min). Add the pureed tomatoes, and mix in the brown sugar, basil, salt, white wine vinegar, and tomato paste. Bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer on low heat uncovered until the liquid reduces in half (approx 45 min).
Step 3
Puree everything in the stockpot. Dump the contents into a bowl, cover with saran wrap, and refrigerate overnight. Serve as the most epic condom-ment for fries, eggs, potatoes, or just about anything that would be loved up by the classic red sauce.
Leave a Comment » | 
APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, condom-ment, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, basil, break up, brown sugar, calivirgin, Catsup, cook to beg, costa rica, delicious, DIY, dumped, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, homemade ketchup recipe, intercourse, ketchup, kitchen, libido, make up, naked, olive oil, onion, oops, post valentines day blues, quandary, recipe, romance, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sketchball, tasty, timeshare, tomato paste, tomatoes, valentines day, white wine vinegar, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
February 11, 2010
Behold the green love machine bio-diesel (and quite delicious) fuel
I’m not sure what it is about bok choy; I always seem to taste sweet satisfaction when I serve it to the ladies. Perhaps it’s a purely coincidental, somewhat random constant in my life. But I’m not so sure. It could be that it’s classy and reeks of sophistication. The girls I serve it to may sense that I am indeed a well-traveled man of the world. No doubt I was probably an envoy or junior UN ambassador traveling in my own motorcade complete with a bodyguard with an Austrian accent. But my gut tells me it’s a more physiological. Whether it’s the healthy chloroform, delicious taste, or the lovely green color, something magical is happening each time I grab a bok choy off the shelf. Maybe it’s best not to understand one of nature’s best-kept secrets (until now, you’re welcome!). It’s just as well so long as you enjoy the benefits of steamed magic.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or champagne
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp sesame seeds
2. 1 tbsp HONEY
3. 1 bunch bok choy
Step 1
Chop off the base of the boy choy stalk to separate the leaves. Steam until the leaves begin to wilt and turn bright green.
Step 2
Lay the steamed bok choy leaves out wide and separate from each other. Drizzle the honey evenly over the boy choy and then scatter the sesame seeds so they stick to the honey.
Serve this fine veggie side with any number of fish or meat ENTRÉES.
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, Japanese, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, Austrian, bang, banging, benefits, bodyguard, bok choy, chloroform, coincidental, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, libido, motorcade, naked, physiological, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds, sex, sex to me, sophistication, steam, steamed, sweet, tasty, UN, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 27, 2010
T&A is easy as pushing play on your CTB Music Mix
T&A is what every straight dude seeks when they CTB. Pull it off right and all will be revealed. The important thing is not to rush it or appear too eager. Naturally, in an era where we want what we want now and quit wasting my goddamn time, it’s hard to exercise restraint. But a smooth seduction is like roasting asparagus. Let it happen. The last thing you want is to crank the heat up so you can get the green aphrodisiac out of the oven faster in order to get on with the show. That will only lead to overcooked, underappreciated slop. Did I mention your kinky campaign will be totally FUBAR? Ease into it, sucka. If you add the right amount of flavor with the right amount of heat and the right amount of time, you will be more than all right. And to my female and gay male readership, the same rules apply minus the whole T&A thing.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: All depends on ENTREE, but dry white wine is asparagus’ friend
Ingredients (Serves 4):
1. 1 dash salt
2. 1 dash black pepper
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely
5. 1/2 lb ASPARAGUS
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350∞F/175∞C. Wash the asparagus and chop off the tips, and discard. Spread out the asparagus flat in a baking pan. Sprinkle evenly with garlic, salt and pepper, and then drizzle with olive oil.
Step 2
Throw the asparagus in the oven and roast until they brown slightly (approx 30 min). Serve that delicious goodness up with something equally healthy and banging.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, bang, banging, black pepper, calivirgin, campaign, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fubar, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, recipe, roast, roasted asparagus recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slop, T&A, tasty, tits and ass, tlc, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 15, 2010
Get in, get out, get back to the task at hand.
Are you keen on getting your date to stare at you with slack-jawed
amazement? Time is a wasting if you¹re awaiting my answer. Sometimes the
slow deliberate seduction isn¹t right for the ones keen on the quickie. Sure
it¹s rushed, but you still want to rock that shit and leave them wanting
more. The same goes for a quick on-the-go delight. Here you have a treat so
tasty, so quick, it will seem like a wet dream. At least that is the
discovery I made on tour. There I was in some hot Chiquita bonita¹s bed
hungry as can be. Leaving her pad would mean dressing, which would mean
undressing again, something not necessarily guaranteed with the girl I only
met 48 hours prior. So I had to be quick on my feet. This is what I made
from the goods in her fridge. I¹m guessing it worked since we didn¹t leave
her place again until days later when my friends did a search and rescue
mission. At that point, she almost didn¹t let go. Perhaps it¹s best I got
out before she started naming our kids. At least she¹ll always have the
misty water-colored Cook To Bang memories.
Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: BANGARITA
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 taco-sized corn tortillas
2. 1Ž2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp butter
4. 1 tomato sliced thinly
5. 2 green onions chopped coarsely
6. 2 fat handfuls Gouda cheese chunks
Step 1
First assemble the quesadillas by laying a small layer of cheese, tomatoes,
green onions, avocado, and another layer of cheese.
Step 2
Use half the butter to grease a small pan cooking on medium heat. Add the
first quesadilla, cover it with the pot top, and cook until the cheese melts
(approx 3 min). Repeat with the second quesadilla and serve Œem up, champ!
This appetizer goes great with a little SIMPLY SEXY SALSA or GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE.
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: 48 hours, amazement, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, bonita, butter, Chiquita, corn tortillas, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, food, game changer, get laid, gouda cheese, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, open-faced, open-mouthed quesadilla, quesadilla, quickie, recipe, search and rescue, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomato, tour, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 14, 2010
A sinwich in paradise is oh so very nice!
The Cook To Bang method makes getting your freaky-deak on so simple that must really try to blow it. The simple, effective method is beyond question. A millennium from now when alien explorers discover the remains of our extinct culture, they will come to one simple conclusion: we forgot how to CTB. My hope is that I can keep the human race going another half-century or so with my teachings. All bets are off after that. So with that in mind, try out this simple recipe I made while on vacation. The Latina that slept over after a killer dinner party I threw was certainly not expecting CTB in reverse. After a rowdy session of morning sex, I presented her with this sinwich. We devoured them quickly, and got back to the task at hand…banging each other senseless.
Total time: approximately 7 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. ½ a baguette
2. Mayonnaise at your discretion (can substitute with mustard)
3. 2 handfuls rotisserie chicken pulled
4. 1 handful lettuce chopped
5. ½ AVOCADO sliced
6. ½ tomato sliced thinly
7. ½ apple sliced thinly
Step 1
Slice the baguette lengthwise and spread mayonnaise as you wish. Lay out the apple and tomato slices, evenly add the pulled chicken, stuff the lettuce and avocado, and force it all shut. Cut in half and you are ready for just about anything.
This SINWICH works just as well as a BREAKFAST as a lunch or DINNER.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, fusion, poultry, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: alien explorers, aphrodisiac, apple, avocado, baguette, bang, banging, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, food, french, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, human race, intercourse, kitchen, Latina, lettuce, libido, mayonnaise, millennium, naked, poultry, recipe, rotisserie chicken, sandwich, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, tasty, tomato, vacation, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 7, 2010
Cook To Fingerbang!
Using your fingers is often the only way to go. No time for squeamishness when it comes to cooking to bang. Just spread them fingers wide and dive right in. Remember that your date will thank you after for your keen attention to details. Their oral pleasure zone isn’t going to satisfy itself. Fingerling potatoes are coming back in a big way. Some famous chef somewhere some how said something like, “Fingerling potatoes are now and very much it.” Just think how cool you will appear serving up a sensational side with the hottest carb in town. The fact that they resemble human fingers that you will be using to entice and engorge later is the popped cherry on top. So fingerbang away!
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Depends on entrée, but red wine should do you both nicely
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 dash sea salt
2. 1 dash black pepper
3. 2 tbsp balsamic vinegar
4. 2 tbsp olive oil
5. 1 dash thyme
6. 1/2 lemon
7. 1 sprig ROSEMARY
8. 3 garlic cloves chopped finely
9. 1 lb fingerling potatoes
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 450°F/232°C. Wash the taters thoroughly and then split them. Toss them with the garlic, olive oil, lemon juice, salt, pepper, thyme, and rosemary.
Step 2
Spread the marinated fingerlings on a small baking pan, laying the flat ends down. Bake the potatoes until they brown and can be forked easily with a fork (approx 25min), flipping halfway through cooking. Toss the roasted potatoes in the balsamic vinegar and serve.
Serve these fine carbs up with any number of meaty ENTRÉES.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, irish, RECIPES, vegan | Tagged: aphrodisiac, balsamic vinegar, bang, banging, black pepper, carbohydrates, carbs, delicious, DIY, easy, engorge, famous chef, fingerbang, fingerbanging fingerling potatoes, fingering, fingerling potatoes, flavorful, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hearty, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, olive oil, oral pleasure, recipe, rosemary, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, squeamishness, tasty, thyme, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 4, 2010
Why is not as important as when.
Quit with the questions already! I experiment with recipes sometimes to discover new and exciting methods to prepare banging food. Oftentimes I crash and burn with my noble attempts at cooking something groundbreaking. You have to stumble before you can walk; kiss before you bang. But there are times where I rock the living crap out of the ingredients I’m working for and then…BAM! It’s like being the first man to discover the clitoris. You always assumed there was something there, but it took some serious creative spelunking to get there. So that is what I offer you now. This is a little ditty made out of boredom for the standard breakfast fare. I knew there was some clever way to take the best parts of Middle Eastern and Western to create a fusion that all us infidels can enjoy. My date agreed after getting over her skepticism of the unfamiliar. She did not ask why I led her immediately back to bed after we were done eating. My perverted intent was implied.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: MIMOSUCK IT
Ingredients (Serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp vegetable oil
2. 3 dashes sea salt
3. 4 tomato slices
4. 1/2 onion sliced in strips
5. 2 eggs
6. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
7. 1 small handful queso fresco (Mexican cheese)
8. 1/2 large pita (one pictured infused with thyme)
Step 1
Heat up the oil in a skillet. Throw in the onions and fry until they caramelize (approx 3 min). Fry up the tomatoes next, salting them and flipping once (approx 2 min). Finally make room in pan to fry up pita.
Step 2
Scoop the fried onions and tomato onto the pita. Crack the eggs in the space now available, salt them, and fry sunny side up (approx 3 min). Split the eggs in two and serve over each half of the pita. Surround the egg yolk with avocado like a halo and crumble some queso fresco on top.
Split the pita in two and serve them up on separate plates with BED & BREAKFAST POTATOES.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, Middle Eastern, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, boredom, breakfast, caramelize, clitoris, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, fry, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, groundbreaking, guarantee, homemade, infidel, intercourse, kitchen, libido, Middle Eastern, morning, MORNING WOOD, naked, onion, pita, queso fresco, recipe, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, skepticism, spelunking, tasty, tomato, vegetable oil, Western, Why ask why fry breakfast, why asky why?, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 21, 2009
Run like a cheetah to tap that booty
There are some people out there too fine for their own good. You know the type I’m talking about. It’s as if they are cursed to roam the earth surrounded by an unsightly subspecies, the rest of us. That’s how I feel every time I’m around someone so stunning, I wonder if perhaps my sins were not too great to exclude me from a heaven membership. Fat chance of that. The beta person would not dare try to engage the near-mythical sexual creature for fear of abject humiliation. But I always take the “fake it ‘til you make it” approach, which sometimes pays back in decadent dividends. When you do step up to the plate, be ready to knock it out of the park by having a plan. I’m cocky about my cooking skills. So with swagger and spitfire I invite the sexier-than-thou and let them know not coming to my place for some grub will be their loss. No cheetah will deny the rarefied opportunity to sample your fajita sandwich.
Total time: approximately 25 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy:BANGARITA
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. Mayonnaise to taste
2. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
3. 4 dashes fajita seasoning
4. 2 sandwich rolls
5. 2 GREENSBURY MARKET organic chicken breasts
6. 1 onion sliced in long strips
7. 1 red bell pepper sliced in long strips
8. 1 lime wedge
9. 1 small handful cilantro chopped coarsely
10. 1/2 AVOCADO sliced thinly
11. 1 tomato sliced thinly.
Step 1
Slice the chicken breasts into long thin strips and marinate in limejuice and 1/2 the fajita
seasoning (approx 15 min).
Step 2
Sauté the onion, bell pepper and cilantro in olive oil until they soften (approx 4 min). Create room in the pan and sauté the chicken next to but separate from the veggies (approx 3 min).
Step 3
Assemble the sandwich. First split the rolls down the top, and then spread mayo as needed. Stuff each roll with veggies, chicken, tomato and avocado.
Serve this gringo twist on a Mexican classic with a some GARLICKABLE FRIES.
4 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, mexican, poultry, RECIPES, SINWICHES, spicy | Tagged: abject humiliation, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, calivirgin, chicken breasts, Chicken fajita sandwich recipe, cilantro, decadent dividends, delicious, DIY, easy, fajita seasoning, fake it ‘til you make it, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, greensbury market, guarantee, heaven, homemade, hot like a cheetah, hot like a cheetah fajita sinwich, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, marinate, mayo, mayonnaise, mexican, naked, olive oil, onion, organic, recipe, red bell pepper, sandwich, sandwich roll, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sexier-than-thou, tasty, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 16, 2009
Date shakes make booties quake
After your hot date gets hotter and steamier, cool off with a refreshing date shake. There is nothing like the taste of ancient lands to flavor the already classic crowd-pleasing milkshake. The Mesoptamian and Egyptian culinary culture grew from dates, which flavored just about every meal. Considering the plethora of kinky among the originators of civilization, it’s a safe bet that using dates will help you evoke ancient sex gods. Just imagine the power of Ra pulsing through your body as you indulge in all manner of ethereal pleasures. Sip on that shake of yours, and get back to work!
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Eating Buddy: HOT DUMB BLONDIES
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 cups milk
2. 3 scoop vanilla ice cream
3. 2 tbsp HONEY
4. 1 handful of dates
Step 1
Removed the pits from the dates and then thoroughly puree them with vanilla ice cream, honey, and milk until your ready to shake that booty. Garnish with an extra date on each glass if you want to look extra cool.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Middle Eastern, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: ancient history, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, culinary culture, date, date milkshake, date shake recipe, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, egypt, Egyptians, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, honey, hot date shake, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, libido, mesopotamia, Mesopotamians, milk, naked, ra, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 7, 2009
It's important to catch up with old friends with benefits.
It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while. The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue. There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together. A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do. In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry. This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred. A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force. I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red vino always
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly
Step 1
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil. Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min). Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min). Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.
Step 2
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly. Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.
Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, italian, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple, bail, bang, bang-de-force, banging, calivirgin, carbohydrates, carboluscious, carbs, catch up sex, delicious, DIY, easy, eggplant, erotic research, ex, fast, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, goat cheese, gourmet, gourmet ketchup spaghetti recipe, guarantee, hearty, homemade, intercourse, italian, kale, ketchup, ketchup sex pasta, kitchen, libido, misty watercolor memories, naked, noodles, olive oil, pasta, recipe, salt, sauce, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spaghetti, tasty, vegetarian, veggies, white trash, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 12 hours (1 hr cooking, 11 hrs refrigerated)
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 
