January 17, 2011
There's polenty of room for two, but we'll make room for your cute friend.
What are you worrying about? We have plenty of room. So what if my place is small? I ain’t rich…yet. Besides, Cozy = Cosmic Connection. Our auras will be touching. Aura friction is just what you need to cheer up over the state of the economy. Just think of me as the spark to jolt you back into positivity. Now come on into my cramp little slice of heaven and make yourself comfy. Enjoy this little something I whipped up to show you, there is indeed Polenty of Room or Two. My bedroom is just down the hall. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: appetizer, aura friction, bang, banging, black pepper, cosmic connection, delicious, DIY, easy, economy, finger food, first, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, grapes, green onion, guarantee, heaven, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, maple syrup, naked, olive oil, polenta, polenta with spinach and grapes, polenty of room for two recipe, positivity, recipe, salt, sauté, sautéed polenta recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spinach, tasty, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
December 29, 2010
You will become possessed by the deviled eggs!
The devil sometimes gets a bad rap. Granted the guy is a total dick with his evil powers of manipulation and intentions to enslave mankind. But all those insipid qualities aside, the guy is a smooth operator. One thing I can tell you is the great evil one can cook like the devil. I saw it first hand in a Devil Gone Down to Georgia showdown. Apparently my cooking and banging has gotten his attention. He challenged me after one of my successful evenings cooking up a feast for a delectable date and the inevitable banging that followed. It was Iron Chef in hell. The judges gave us one hour to create a 4-course meal out of this gelatinous food staple of the Underworld called Gorvax. Gorvax is from the potato family, except it is 600 degrees F straight out of volcanic ash and contains barbs sharp enough to cut steel. Naturally the competition was a massive stress ball thanks to the crazy undead camera crew sticking their lenses in my face and cooking station. But I kept faith in myself and cooked my heart out not worrying about the horned one. That devil was so shocked I beat him with my Gorvax 4 four ways, including the Gorvax a la mode with caramelized sugar. I was surprised as you are that the devil did not welsh on our bet. He handed over this recipe for Deviled Eggs that is all the rage among homemakers in hell. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: appetizer, bang, crab meat, crab stuffed deviled eggs, delicious, Deviled eggs recipe, dijon mustard, easy, egg whites, eggs, finger food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, mayonnaise, naked, paprika, recipe, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, southern, starter, tasty, yolk, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 8, 2010
You jam straight I want to bang some more
So I admit freely that my knowledge of New Zealand is limited to the Lord of the Rings, Flight of the Conchords, and a family friend who renounced his Kiwi citizenship. None of this was going to help the fact that I brazenly invited a cute New Zealand girl I met randomly at a bowling alley bar over for dinner. She believed me when drunkenly I claimed that New Zealand cuisine had inspired my culinary palette. So the gauntlet was thrown down for me to WOW this hopefully kinky kiwi. All my research has turned up was in detail reports about the oppression of the Mauri people, which didn’t strike me as light dinner conversation. So I just bought a bag of kiwi fruit and winged it. After great debate with myself, and with timing running out before she showed up, I decided to make a jam of sorts. I served it with bread, Brie cheese and a New Zealand wine. This winning combination led to a winning combination of positions in the bedroom, invented by the same people that brought us bungee jumping. After that night I vowed never to never confuse Kiwi and Aussie girls again. They hate that. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | condom-ment, fusion, gift, healthy, MORNING WOOD, new zealand, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, bang, brie cheese, bungee jumping, butter, caramelize, cool, delicious, DIY, easy, finger food, flight of the conchords, flour, fruit, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, harden, homemade, honey, intercourse, international, jam recipe, jelly, kitchen, kiwi chick, Kiwi jam recipe, lime, lord of the rings, mauri, naked, new zealand, new Zealander, Oceana, pectin, recipe, romantic, seduce, sex, spread, sugar, tasty, vodka, wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 5, 2010
Wrap it right, wrap it tight.
A fine ass like that deserves to be wrapped up in life’s fineries. Exalt that perfect behind with the TLC it deserves. At least that’s how I approach the perfect booty. Damn close to worship. I show it a good time, probably a better time than the body and mind attached. One surefire method to be hospitable to said ass is to wrap up the asparagus aphrodisiac amazingness with meaty magic. Roll roll, drip drip, sizzle sizzle, mmm mmm! They’re so good your collective lusts may win out over your hunger for the rest of dinner.
Total time: 7 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking buddy: Pinot Noir or Pinot Gris
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 8 ASPARAGUS spears
2. 8 strips bacon (piggy, turkey, or veggie)
3. 2 dashes salt
4. 1 lemon wedge
Step 1
First wash the asparagus and cut 1 inch off the bottoms. Wrap the asparagus in bacon at an angle tightly. Salt as you wish.
Step 2
Warm up the griddle or pan on medium heat. Throw the bacon-wrapped asparagus in and cook, squeezing the lemon juice over as the bacon starts to sizzle. Cook until the down side of the asparagus browns (approx 3 min) before rolling them over. Salt the other side and cook the other side until it browns (approx 2 min).
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, asparagus, ass, atkins diet, bacon, bacon wrapped asparagus recipe, bang, banging, booty, delicious, DIY, easy, fineries, finger food, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hospitable, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, lust, naked, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sizzle, tasty, tlc, wrap, wrap that ass-paragus, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 18, 2010
Why choke your chicken when you can artichoke and poke?
Sometimes a case of Pabst Blue Ribbon and a bag of stale Cheetos just don’t do the job when it comes to seduction. My apologies to the corner store Casanovas. Sometimes a little elbow grease can oil the joints keeping your date’s legs stuck together. And what better way to do that then a familiar bar food favorite that happens to be loaded with APHRODISIAC power? In case the artichoke wasn’t enough sex appeal, we threw in the silky avocado to guide deliver you a foolproof contingency plan. You’re welcome. This became a last minute creation needed for an impromptu Super Bowl date with a pack of three football-loving ladies. These girls clearly knew their shit when it came to pig skin and potato skins. Making a good impression was crucial for the touchdown that followed with my girl there. There was most certainly necessary roughness. The extra point was the phone number her sexy friend wearing the Steelers jersey slipped me.
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $11
Drinking Buddy: A MO MOJO MOJITO or RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE
Ingredients (serves a party or 2 hungry people for days):
1. 2 tablespoons of mayonnaise
2. 1 8-ounce can of artichoke hearts in water
3. 1 round roll of foccacia bread
4. 4 ounces of cream cheese
5. 2 ROASTED RED PEPPERS
6.½ an avocado sliced
7. ½ a lemon worth of juice
8. ½ cup of parmesan cheese
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Chop up the artichoke hearts and roasted red peppers and toss them into a bowl with the avocado, parmesan cheese, lemon juice, cream cheese and mayonnaise. Work out your pent up sexual frustration by mashing up the ingredients.
Step 2
Cut the top of the focaccia roll and set aside. Pull out the center breading, leaving the sides and bottom in tact. If need be, use your right and left hooks and pound the sides in. Crown the bread top with some parmesan cheese, toast it brown, then cut it up in slices to serve with the dip.
Step 3
Pour in the mashed up raw dip into an oven safe bowl and heat through (approx 20 minutes). Remove the heated dip from the oven and dump in evenly into the bread bowl you have created. Crown it with some parmesan cheese and throw it back in the oven and heat up the bread and melt cheese on top (approx 10 minutes). Serve it up with those toasted slices and tortilla chips. Super job! I knew you had it in you.
Leave a Comment » | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, aphrodisiac artichoke dip, appetizer, artichoke, artichoke bread bowl recipe, Artichoke dip recipe, avocado, bang, bar food, cream cheese, delicious, dip, easy, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, focaccia bread, game changer, game day, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, mayonnaise, naked, parmesan cheese, recipe, roasted red peppers, romance, SEDUCTION, sex, sexy, sports bar, spread, tasty, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 27, 2009
Lick it before you stick it!
Agreed. They are addictive. Your first instinct is to run your tongue across them, indulging in as much essence as you can suck down. It’s like a smoking crack: you know better, but you do it anyway. You may not want to go on without it. You will have postpartum depression and experience nasty withdrawals that will alienate those you love. We’re talking about high-grade lower fat* shit here. The street value is ridiculous. That is how these good baked garlic fries can be. My advice is to get your date hooked. Turned them into your garlic fry crack whore. They will be under your spell and willing to do anything for their garlic fix. I mean ANYTHING. Be warned that garlic can be a smelly curse. But if ye both eat of the stinking rose, neither of ye shall recoil.
*Baked garlic fries are not low fat, just less fattening than the deep fried version.
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $2
Drinking Buddy: Beer, preferably Belgium like Chimay or Leffe
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 2 teaspoons of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of black pepper
4. 2 large potatoes
5. 4 cloves of garlic chopped finely
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Peel the potatoes, and then slice the potatoes lengthwise every ½ inch on one side, and then flip them 90 degrees and cut more ½ inch strips, thus creating fries.
Step 2
Throw the fries in a bowl and toss in the garlic, olive oil, salt and pepper and toss it together with your hands.
Step 3
Lay out the fries evenly along the baking sheet, leaving space between them. Bake them for approximately 40 minutes, flipping the fries halfway through cooking. The fries will be crisp and slightly browned. Dump them onto a plate with a paper towel and blot out the excess grease.
Serve on a platter with your favorite condom-ment!
Baked Garlic Fries are the Devil's plan
3 Comments | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, french, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: appetizer, baked, baked garlic fries, bang, black pepper, carbohydrates, carbs, crack, crack ho, crack whore, delicious, DIY, easy, finger food, French fries, game changer, garlic, Garlic French fries recipe, garlic fries, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthier, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lickable, lower fat, naked, not fried, olive oil, potatoes, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, side dish, stinking rose, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 30, 2008
Four slices of fig-tastic cheesy goodness.
Just when your toaster oven thought it was safe from your simple seduction sundries, here comes a kinky quesadilla. Buying the ingredients should be the toughest part. Figs can be pricey, but are technically aphrodisiacs of Biblical significance. But isn’t a night of unspeakable acts worth the effort? These quesadillas also make great appetizers to pre-assemble and take to backyard barbecues, Superbowl parties, or swingers orgies.
Ingredients:
1. 1 medium sized tortilla
2. 4 thin slices of brie
3. 1 tablespoon of fig jam (or sliced figs)
4. 1 handful of crushed candied walnuts
Step 1
Spread the fig jam evenly over half the tortilla, place brie and candied walnuts on the other half, and close together.
Step 2
Place it in toaster oven and cook for dark toast mode or grill in a pan until each side is browned. Cut into four pieces and serve plain, with sliced avocado or with mango salsa.
Leave a Comment » | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, brie, cheese, figs, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, quesadilla, SEDUCTION, toaster, tortilla, walnuts | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 24, 2008
- Mambo mango cook to bango
Regular salsa shouts out “yum!” but mango salsa says you’re both, “classy and well-endowed (with ability to cook).” This little condiments can take the mundane like a healthy (boring) baked chicken and make it magical. You can assure that anorexic supermodel that the calories are minimal. Besides, you’ll burn through those calories soon enough, you sex machine.
Ingredients:
1. 1 mango roughly chopped and depitted
2. 1 tomato roughly chopped
3. 1 handful of cilantro roughly chopped, stems removed
4. 1 green onion roughly chopped
5. ½ a lime
6. 1 jalapeño, deveined and deseeded, and roughly chopped
Step 1
Throw the chunks of mango, tomato, cilantro, green onion and jalapeno into a bowl and mix like a champ. Squeeze the lime.
Step 2
Mix vigorously so the ingredients are battered around like a 50’s housewife. Serve with chips, Mexican food, salad, or over fish/chicken.
4 Comments | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, chips, cilantro, healthy, jalepeno, lime, mango, mexican, salsa, SEDUCTION, spicy, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 24, 2008
Flatbread pizza + wine = boom-chicka-wa-wa
This recipe has been an old stand that never fails to make panties drop. It also works great for parties because it’s fast, simple, aesthetically pleasing, low in carbs, and makes you look like America’s Next Top Chef. For some reason, this deceivingly simple dish gets me more props than a high school drama student. You can throw almost any combination of cheeses, meats and veggies to make your own masterpiece, but below is a classic crowd pleaser.
Ingredients:
1. 1 Lavash flatbread
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 handful of spinach
4. 1 half a red pepper sliced thinly
5. ½ a chicken sausage link sliced thinly
6. 1 handful of mozzarella cheese
7. Thin slices of brie (1/4 of a triangle of brie)
Step 1
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Drizzle olive oil over the lavash and spread it around evenly.
Step 2
Place the veggies, meat and cheese over the lavash. It’s best to do veggies first, meat second and cheese last to hold your ingredient down. Like a pizza crust, make sure to leave some room around the edges so it’s easy to hold onto.
Step 3
Place pizza in the oven and bake for about ten minutes. The goal is to have the lavash crust golden brown.
Step 4
Remove from oven and chop into 6-8 pieces. One cut long ways and either two or three cuts short ways then serve with a bottle of wine. Go get em, tiger!
Variations:
• Fig jam, brie, thin pear slices, candied walnuts
• Beets, goat cheese, artichoke hearts
Leave a Comment » | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, brie, cheese, fast, flatbread, italian, lavash, mozarella, pizza, sausage, SEDUCTION, spinach, vegetables | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 24, 2008
Simple enough so you can figure out how to get that damn bra off.
If only seduction was as simple as making salsa. But simplicity is the root of innovation so go with it. Salsa with chips can be a nice light meal or compliments countless dishes. Over fish, tacos, eggs, you name it. Be sure to tell your date you made it from only the finest ingredients, even if you bought them off a truck.
Ingredients:
1. 2 tomatoes roughly chopped
2. 1 green onion roughly chopped
3. 1 handful of cilantro roughly chopped, stems removed
4. 1 jalapeño, deveined and deseeded, and roughly chopped
5. ½ a lime
6. Salt to taste
Step 1
Throw the chunks of tomato, green onion, cilantro and jalapeno into a bowl, squeeze the lime and throw in salt to taste.
Step 2
Mix like an 80’s hip-hop DJ until the salsa break-dances on your date’s tongue via a tortilla chip or your finest taco sampler.
1 Comment | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES | Tagged: appetizer, cilantro, condiment, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, jalepeno, lime, mexican, onions, salsa, spicy, tacos, tomato, tortilla chips | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 
