GIVE THANKS TO DADDY SINWICH

November 27, 2015
Be thankful for your bountiful bevvy of beauties

Be thankful for your bountiful bevvy of beauties

The Thanksgiving is hangover on  now.  You’re probably stumbling through your family’s home plastered on eggnog and convincing only the dog that your life is on track.  At least the turkey was good, right?   Turkey can keep the Thanksgiving spirit alive with that sexy someone.  Hopefully you’ll be able to convince them that you are in fact close with your family and show signs of taming.  If all goes to plan, your hedonistic instincts should be masked until after its too late for them to turn back. This is comfort food at its sexiest.  The goat cheese cranberry sauce becomes a sexy time explosion in your mouth, while the crisp lettuce, tart tomato, buttery avocado, and crunchy bread gets your knees knocking boots.  Your family will be happy to know that the food they made with such love and care is now getting you laid.  Who says COOK TO BANG doesn’t encourage family values? Read the rest of this entry »


ROGER HER VODKA PENNE

September 28, 2015
Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass

Embrace the vodka on your plate and in your glass

This Italian mafia recipe will never sleep with the fishes.  This vodka penne is “a friend of mine” because it’s tasty and easy to prepare.  The only thing getting whacked is the pig used to make the prosciutto.  Lucky you.  Be sure to remind your date knows how lucky they are to enjoy this fine dish from the old country.  The vodka flatters the tomatoes and garlic with compliments, plus you can challenge your date to take shots while you cook. Think you can make an easier, tastier vodka penne from scratch?  Forget about it! Read the rest of this entry »


WHO DA MAC & CHEESE?

September 14, 2015
So Mac-a-licious, you'll lick the dishes

So Mac-a-licious, you'll lick the dishes

If you make this dish, then you da mack!  This dish takes the childhood classic and turns it on its head so it’s strutting its sexy stuff across your dinner table.  Be ready with a line about how you came up with this recipe remenisce about giving your playground sweetheart a wildflower (I don’t mind you claiming this recipe as your own as long as it gets you laid; if you fails then I will haunt your dreams).  Truth be told, I hated mac and cheese as a kid because the flavor and texture was bland as Kansas. Done right, mac and cheese will compliment any continental meal from fried chicken to pork chops and beyond.  The bountiful bevy of cheeses and the spicy jalapeño become a techno dance party in your mouth.  This boring classic has the much needed flare like that player at the bar getting girls attention with the pink feather boa, but not obnoxious.   Remember,  you make this side dish right and it will be by your side for many more mouth-water culinary conquests. Read the rest of this entry »


TRAMPY SCAMPI

August 21, 2015
The Lady and the Trampy Scampi

The Lady and the Trampy Scampi

I used to stamp my little feet as a child when someone called me a shrimp.  It drove me batty that I wasn’t a “big kid”.  Time changes everything.  Call me a shrimp as an adult and I’ll thank you, and then fantasize about buttery, garlicky goodness.  I am the first to admit that I’ll get trampy for shrimp scampi.  A note to the ladies: you too can put a man like myself under your spell with this dish. There’s something amazing about cooking shellfish in this velvet sauce that grants the chef the power of mind control.  It’s been that way ever since I stole the recipe from a heavily guarded underground vault in Switzerland.  Sure I am wanted by Interpol, but I did it all for you, dear reader.  Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »


GRATUITOUS GRILLED CHEESE SINWICH

June 29, 2015

Childhood classic never tasted so innapropriately scrumptious

THis childhood classic never tasted so inappropriately scrumptious

Do you still think of grilled cheese sandwiches as a slice of American cheese thrown between two slices of Wonder Bread?  The grilled cheese has come a long way and wants it’s day in court to appeal.  Be an honorable judge and listen to the cheese plead its case as it melts on your tongue, accompanied by evidence in the form of tomato, avocado and cilantro.  Only a cruel monster lacking in taste bud ethics could throw the book at a sandwich so deviously divine.  I found this extreme makeover on a childhood classic to be an effective weekend lunch date meal.  Grill these babies up, pop in a movie, pretend to yawn and throw your arm around your date.  If your game is strong, the vibe is on, than you should be knocking boots ‘til the break of dawn. Read the rest of this entry »


GETTIN’ YOUR GOAT CHEESE SALAD

June 15, 2015
Gettin your goat will make you float and rock that boat!
Gettin’ your goat will make you float and rock that boat!

So you don’t think goats are sexy, huh?  You don’t find their hooves and beards enchanting?  Their bleating cries a top a craggily mountains isn’t a huge turn on?  Then you haven’t sampled goat cheese baked to perfection with the pistachio crust atop a mountain of greens and grape boulders smothered is a sticky sweet balsamic reduction.  You may find yourself licking the plate clean and stealing a little off your lover’s plate (CTB won’t tell).  No one will blame you once this sexy dish seduces your mouth, body and soul.  The goat bleats will become a choir of enchanting angels beckoning you to join them in their four-legged rendition of the Macarena.  You will be completely powerless to resist and you will love every minute of it because your date will be by your side, equally entranced by the goat cheese’s power that is turbo-charged with the balsamic blast.  The healthy spinach and the mysterious aphrodisiac powers of the grapes create a perfect storm of culinary delight.  Give in and go with it.  This salad can take you places you never knew existed.  And at the end of the journey your inevitable sexual conquest will be secondary to the post-coital glow you experienced with love at first bite. Read the rest of this entry »


POONCAKES

May 29, 2015
Pancake poonany perfection

Pancake poonany perfection

So you’ve just wrapped up a sexual escapade that lasted all morning.  Your date is ravenous and is threatening mutiny if you don’t fill their gullets stat.  You can do nothing and risk never hearing from them again, which may be the right choice if it’s some skank or bozo.  But chances are you wouldn’t have allowed them to stay the night if they weren’t worth making a little effort to feed.  If all goes to plan, the afternoon can be a sequel to the morning’s kinky adventures between the sheets.  This recipe originated from a severe lack of ingredients.  I had only one egg, frozen blackberries and a very hungry girl in my bed.  So I improvised and made the morning carry on into the evening, flaking on set plans to have dinner with my mother.  Sorry, mom!  She forgave me and my date did not erase me from her phonebook.  One last thought, why settle for bisquik and water, when the from scratch method takes two extra seconds and yields randy results? Read the rest of this entry »