February 16, 2015
This recipe will self-destruct in 10 seconds…after you bang like a champ!
These potatoes are not unlike Inspector Gadget’s self-destructing mission assignments. But instead of them blowing up and you get saliva across your face instead of soot. These bad boys pack a walloping 1-2-3 punch of tasty, decadent flavor. They are not for the pantywaists concerned about too much flavor overwhelming the subtlety of the evening. Not on my watch! Like Inspector Gadget, and really his dog Brain who did everything, I am working with a shadowy government organization seeking to rid the world of flavor. That is where these potatoes come in. It’s our secret weapon against those who would remove any remnants of toe-curling pleasure you could eke out of dining. If we let them win now, who’s to say what they could next. Soon enough they’ll be taking away our love of banging! Glenn Beck should be all up in their tits. Who’s the real American hero now, crybaby? Read the rest of this entry »
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carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, irish, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, black pepper, Brain, butter, cheese, crybaby, dairy, delicious, DIY, dr. claw, easy, explosion, flavor, food, fox news, game changer, garlic, get laid, glenn beck, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, Inspector Gadget, intercourse, kaboom, kitchen, libido, milk, mini potatoes, mission, naked, oral, oral tater-splosions, parmesan, pleasure, real American hero, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, self-destruct, sex, shadowy government organization, soot, tasty, toe-curling, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
January 28, 2015
I don’t know why you say goodbye, I say, “Well, Hello! Portobello Tacos.”
Well, hello there! Haven’t seen you around. I would have noticed someone as fine as you. What inspired you to come to my little part of the world? No shit! You came to see me? You want me to cook to bang you? Fair enough. It’s just that I’m usually the one pursuing dates. Nothing wrong with someone aggressive that knows what they want. If it’s me you want, so be it. Wait, you’re vegan? Why? Never mind. It won’t be a problem. So how about some Portobello mushroom tacos? Glad you enjoyed them. Shall we retire to the bedroom now? Thanks for stopping by. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, hippie, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegetarian, vietnamese | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, chili pepper, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, food, funghi, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, marinate, mushroom tacos, naked, onion, Portobello mushroom tacos recipe, Portobello mushrooms, Portobello tacos, recipe, salsa, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shredded lettuce, shroom tacos, shrooms, spicy, tasty, tomato, tomato paste, tortillas, vegan, vegetable oil, vegetarian, well hello, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 26, 2015
Naughty Mahi, what a tasty whore!
There are a lot of slutty fish out there. The puffer fish for one has been known to service just about anything aquatic with a pulse. But no fish is quite so whorish as the mahi mahi. Known to some as the dolphin fish, mahi mahi takes after their sex-crazed mammal namesake. Dolphins are known to attempt banging humans, but dolphin fish manage to pull it off and usually on camera for a couple of fish. I can imagine the Animal Planet viewers reading this believe I am making this up. To these naysayers I warn, “Enter the water at your own peril…or pleasure.” Getting molested by a large fish isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. First, you risk drowning long before you reach orgasm. Second, you can be sure the dolphin fish will never call you again. Don’t buy that it’s because fish don’t own phones. The bastard could certainly borrow a phone from a fisherman or something. But in spite of the slut factor of mahi mahi, they taste mighty fine. Mahi mahi doesn’t require much prep time so there’s no need to wait like you would for some tease to put out until date 3. Throw in some sautéed veggies, PAPAYA SALSA and avocado and your date will take on the trampy qualities so beloved in the Naughty Mahi. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, costa rican, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: avocado, bang, costa rica, costa rican, delicious, dinner, DIY, dolphin fish, easy, entree, fajitas, fish, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, impressive, intercourse, kitchen, limejuice, Mahi mahi recipe, main course, naked, olive oil, onion, pan seared mahi mahi, papaya salsa, pepper, protein, recipe, red bell pepper, salt, sautéed vegetable, seafood, seduce, sex, tasty, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 19, 2015
A great man had a dream of equality for all. His dream of race relations improving and opportunities open to all was noble and superhuman. The fact Martin Luther King, Jr. helped usher in a better world is beyond question. But don’t worry; here at Cook To Bang we aren’t kidding ourselves comparing the culinary seduction movement to the civil rights era. It is however a civil right to cook and bang freely. So I thank all those who came before that made this hedonism possible. See I had a dream too. My dream did not consist of me speaking to a crowd 100,000 deep at the Washington Memorial. I dreamt that my younger self and those similarly clueless would figure out that they did not have to go home alone while D-bags that look like extras from the Jersey Shore bang the beautiful. In this unfathomable dream, average guys and girls like me could use their charm and skills in the kitchen to enable us to show off our skills in the bedroom. Would MLK be proud with his love of collard greens? I’d like to think yes he would be. History will be the ultimate decider. Read the rest of this entry »
18 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, southern, spicy | Tagged: bang, banging, bedroom skills, black pepper, calivirgin, civil rights, collard greens, crushed red chili flakes, culinary seduction, decider, delicious, DIY, easy, equal rights, equality, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hedonism, homemade, I have a dream, intercourse, kitchen, libido, martin luther king jr., mlk, naked, olive oil, recipe, red onion, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, south, southern, superhuman, tasty, unfathomable, Washington memorial, wet dream, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2015
He will massage your mornings and satiate your soul.
Your mornings will never be the same once Mr. Morning Magic Hour takes control. He is sure to wow and might even sing opera classics if you ask nicely. The date you hosted is catching up on asleep after an exhausting night of physical activity. You wore ‘em out being incendiary in the sack. Your plan is to keep it going all afternoon and into the evening, but you both need fuel for that triumph. So bring the delectable lunatic lothario out of retirement and serve him up on a plate. Sure you could serve the same ingredients on a plate without the face, but why? You might as well become a eunuch and expire watching CSPAN. Bring some flare back to breakfast and let Mr. Magic out of his cage. AVE MARIA!!! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | RECIPES | Tagged: avocado, bacon, bacon mustache, bang, bread, breakfast, breakfast face, butter, cspan, delicious, DIY, early, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, immature, intercourse, kitchen, kiwi, lothario, morning, Mr. morning magic hour, naked, parsley, recipe, seduce, sex, silly, sustenance, tasty, toast, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 5, 2015
You are capable of anything and everything. I believe in you!
Achieving goals comes down realizing you are capable of anything with enough effort, planning and luck. That is especially true when it comes to banging. Too many suckers assume they are incapable of pulling some prime tail because they’re not rich or handsome or funny. Those are all excuses that make you part of the beta majority. Be bold! I approach everything from my career to my food to my women with bravado and swagger. Fuck the critics (I have many) who say it’s better to give up and accept the 2nd place fruit basket! Take this recipe. I felt like I hit my culinary creativity wall the other night. A new girl was en route to my house and I hadn’t figured out yet how to knock her socks (and panties) off with my grub. I’m not about to let me rep as Mr. Cook To Bang suffer so I went big. I grabbed random ingredients to create what my instincts were telling me would be outstanding. It was the right call. My date had never eaten anything like it. The spicy, sweet combination got her sweating long before I closed the deal. She was incapable of saying no. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: Anaheim chili, bake, bang, banging, beta, black pepper, bravado, calivirgin, capable maple squash recipe, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, food, fruit basket, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, hot, incapable, intercourse, kitchen, libido, majority, maple syrup, naked, olive oil, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, spicy, spicy sweet squash recipe, sucker, swagger, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yellow squash, yummy, zucchini | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 26, 2014
It’s Silly Willy the love dish, Horny thru and thru, Your tongue’s on fire you’re date’s turn on, Awe ee ooh ooh!
That silly willy gets all over the place! Feed it spicy food and watch it zoom around the room like a monkey on a meth/Viagra cocktail. Shenanigans shall ensue and it will get messy! But isn’t that why you make ridiculous culinary creations? You best inspire a fever-pitch amount of naked naughtiness with your vittles or surrender your libido. Seriously. Welcome to advanced Cook To Bang! This recipe is not for the microwave dinner daters. My uncle’s Indonesian wife Frida taught me this chili crab recipe/love potion cooked by men the night they propose to their future wives. The thought behind this is only a crazy woman lacking taste buds and common decency could turn you down after consuming food this awe-inspiring. I’m not saying Cook To Propose (although this would be a worthy dish), but expect you will own the night. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, Indonesian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: awe-inspiring, bang, banging, blue crab, candlenuts, chili crab recipe, chilies, cook to propose, delicious, DIY, Dungeness crab, easy, eggs, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, ginger, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, indochine, Indonesia, Indonesian, intercourse, jalapeños, king crab legs, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, lime leaves, love potion, meth, monkey, naked, olive oil, propose, recipe, salt, scallops, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shallots, shellfish, southeast asia, spicy, tasty, tomato, turmeric, vegetable oil, Viagra, white pepper, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 17, 2014
Sexy commies gone vegan! Don’t tell Stalin…
Hello, comrades! I speak of course to the Russian women I have had the pleasure of. There is something about that accent that brings up all my childhood Cold War fears and translates them into lust. No doubt, their Soviet bloc childhoods taught them how to survive so they are as tough as they are hot. Not a wilting flower in the bunch. Banging someone tougher than you are can challenge your ego. But I welcome the challenge since the payoff makes my babushka spin. What better way to lure them in than the classic Russian dish, borscht? This Commie red soup hits the spot and nourishes the people. Even if your culinary conquest isn’t Russian, make them your comrade for the night. I’m back in the USSR! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, russian, vegan, vegetarian, winter | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beets, carrots, cold war, commie, communism, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, HOT LIQUID LOVE, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, parsley, potatoes, puree, recipe, red cabbage, rosemary, Russia, russian, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, sour cream, soviet, tasty, ussr, vegan, vegan borscht recipe, vegetable stock, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 15, 2014
This chicken curry will inspire you to bango like the tango.
This sexy dish was inspired by a mango chicken curry I had at an Indian restaurant in Sydney, Australia. I’m not sure if it was the food or the beautiful waitress who served it to me, but something changed in me that day. And I’m not just talking about the growth in my pants. Mango and curry together unlock something primal. Sweet, spicy and sensual. You really can’t go wrong serving a date this…unless you accidentally spill the contents in their lap. This happened to me. But my date was more hungry than outraged so all was forgiven the moment she took her first bite. I did have to dab up the mess on designer jeans. But you form an intimate bond once you’ve cleaned curry off someone’s crotch. Plus I removed my pants to make her feel more comfortable while her jeans were in the wash. I’m empathetic like that. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | asian, fusion, indian, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: Australia, bang, banging, bango your mango chicken curry, basmati rice, chicken, cilantro, coconut milk, curry, delicious, designer jeans, DIY, easy, flavorful, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, India, indian, intercourse, kitchen, libido, limejuice, mango, Mango chicken curry recipe, marinate, naked, olive oil, onion, primal, recipe, red bell pepper, red curry paste, seduce, sensual, sex, spicy, subcontinent, Sydney, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
December 5, 2014
Reap the harvest you sow in your date’s loins!
Or was that destruction? These toasted pumpkin seeds will no doubt help get your seduction going; any resistance to your charms will be obliterated. Crunchy, spicy, and totally thrilling. What a perfect use for ingredients most folks toss away with less concern than for a used condom. Tis unfortunate because pumpkin seeds can provide a great nibble while you whip up the rest of your feast. That way you won’t leave your culinary conquest chomping at the bit. They will be satisfied from the get go with your amazing kitchen feats. So long as you follow them up with a little razzle-dazzle on a plate, you will have succeeded at planting the seeds of seduction that will sprout from their mouth all the way down to their loins. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | Cajun, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, healthy, RECIPES, southern, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, bar food, boil, Cajun seasoning, calivirgin, crunchy, culinary conquest, delicious, destruction, DIY, easy, finger food, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, pumpkin seeds, pumpkin seeds of seduction, razzle dazzle, recipe, salad topping, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, snack, spicy, spicy pumpkin seeds, starter, tasty, toast, toasted pumpkin seeds recipe, topping, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 