September 4, 2015
Order in the court! Allow me to retort...
That Ben Dover better bend over for what he’s done. Corporal punishment is the only fitting penance for the food slurs he committed. He tarnished his soul with this Dover sole. The bastard though that he could make a fish marinade out of blueberries, New Mexico chilies and coconut milk. Ha! How could a strange commingling of flavors like that taste anything but weird? Clearly he must know the consequences of his reckless cooking. Granted, I haven’t tasted his culinary cancer, but it has to be awful. Right? Fine, if you insist I don’t try him in the kangaroo court I call my garage, I will try a bite. <takes bite, chews> You see! It’s guilt…glorious! <touching self> The delicate blueberry taste dances with the New Mexico chili wolves and cools down with a river of soothing coconut milk. <does cartwheel> I hereby dismiss this case. Ben Dover deserves a commendation for his culinary bravery. Ladies of the court, please try a bite of this food pioneer’s masterpiece and meet me in the judge’s chambers! Read the rest of this entry »
8 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, atkins, fusion, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, mexican, RECIPES, seafood, spicy, summer | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bbq, blueberries, blueberry chili marinade, coconut milk, corporal punishment, court, delicious, DIY, Dover sole, easy, food, food slur, game changer, garage, get laid, gourmet, grill, grilled Dover sole recipe, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, judge, jury, kangaroo court, kitchen, libido, marinade, masterpiece, naked, new Mexico chilies, recipe, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame seeds olive oil, sex, spicy, sweet spicy Dover sole, tasty, trial, yummy | 
Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 2, 2015
Lazy days, lazy ways, lazy lays
Sometimes you just want to gloss over the cooking and get right to the banging. Understandably so. But know this, my impatient pupil. You could very well jeopardize your whole skeezy agenda by rushing through. You need to at least appear to make the effort and show something for your trouble. So it better be damn impressive if you are going to throw something edible together in less than 10 minutes. Lucky COOK TO BANG has your back with an excessively simplistic finger food that is also reasonably good for you since you are toasting rather than frying in a pan. Behold the Lazadilla, a quesadilla so tasty, easy, and unmessy, that NASA has hired me to make crate-loads of these for the manned Mission to Mars. Hopefully these can at least convince your date to fly you to the moon. Houston, we have no problem! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, fusion, mexican, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetizer, avocado, bang, cilantro, delicious, easy, easy to clean, finger food, first coarse, fresh, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, jack cheese, jalapeño, kitchen, lazadilla recipe, mango, mexican, mexico, naked, quesadilla, Quesadilla recipe, recipe, salsa, sex, smoked gouda cheese, spicy, tasty, toast, toasted quesadilla recipe, toaster oven, tomato, tortilla, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 26, 2015
We scream for sex dreams!
Ever had post-banging munchies so severe you considered eating an entire package of edible panties? It’s a goddamn epidemic! Evasive action is necessary to replenish those calories you burned in the throes of unbridled lust. Since few people have enough raspberry flavored underwear, might I point you in the way of the kitchen? It’s that room that some people put food in. The quickest way to return to the task at hand is speed and efficiency. You want the most flavor per time allotted. Nothing cools you down after steamy summer sex like an ice cream sandwich crowned with strawberries. So get back to the screaming, dreaming and orgasm-gleaming! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, summer, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: bang, banging, chocolate chip cookie, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, fast, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, I scream you scream sinwich recipe, ice cream sandwich recipe, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, on the go, post-coital, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, strawberries, sweet, tasty, unbridled lust, vanilla ice cream, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 24, 2015
Big Ol’ Sausage Cumming your way!
Make room! Make room! A massive sausage is coming straight for your open mouth. There’s not a whole lot you can do but smile like a donut. But don’t fear it. Taste it. Enjoy it. Love it. There’s nothing wrong with phallic food so long as you are comfortable with yourself and enjoy good food. Just to make you feel better, you can Price Albert the sausage to make it less threatening. Throw in all the veggies and aphrodisiac avocado and you have an innocuous, yet delicious open-faced sandwich to enjoy with your date. Need I mention that you can whip these up in 10 minutes flat while you wax poetic with your game? Now drop your inhibitions and pick up that big ol’ massive meaty sausage. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, fusion, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, SINWICHES, southern, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, bell pepper, big ol’ sausage sandwich recipe, cherry tomatoes, chicken sausage, delicious, DIY, easy, fast, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lunch, mayonnaise, meat, naked, onion, open-faced sausage sandwich recipe, phallic, prince Albert, protein, recipe, sausage, sausage and peppers recipe, sauté, seduce, sex, sinwich, smile like a donut, sourdough bread, tasty, turkey sausage, vegetable oil, veggie sausage, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 21, 2015
The Lady and the Trampy Scampi
I used to stamp my little feet as a child when someone called me a shrimp. It drove me batty that I wasn’t a “big kid”. Time changes everything. Call me a shrimp as an adult and I’ll thank you, and then fantasize about buttery, garlicky goodness. I am the first to admit that I’ll get trampy for shrimp scampi. A note to the ladies: you too can put a man like myself under your spell with this dish. There’s something amazing about cooking shellfish in this velvet sauce that grants the chef the power of mind control. It’s been that way ever since I stole the recipe from a heavily guarded underground vault in Switzerland. Sure I am wanted by Interpol, but I did it all for you, dear reader. Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, butter, buttery, delicious, DIY, easy, entree, fast, fish market, flavor, flavorful, game changer, garlic, garlicky, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kinky, kitchen, lemon, naked, parsley, recipe, salt, seafood, seduce, sex, shrimp, Shrimp scampi recipe, simple, slut, tasty, tramp, trampy, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 17, 2015
Mickey D’s ain’t got nuthin’ on this morning delight
So your date has slept over and has a ridiculous craving for some artery clogging McDonalds. How gross and inconvenient! You can indulge their desire, save time and money, plus you’ll blow their mind with this vast improvement over the fast food original. This fine breakfast dish is extremely simple to prepare, plus it can be relatively healthy, thus giving you some much-needed nutrients depleted by a morning in bed. I first made this dish on a whim using minimal ingredients when a one-night stand demanded I drive her 3 miles away to the nearest fast food purveyor. First, I despise haphazardly prepared food, but more importantly I was only interested in one thing, and the Egg McMuffin demand was cock-blocking me. Luckily my ingenuity worked out A-OK. We both got what we wanted and I never saw her again. Ha! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, MORNING WOOD, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, breakfast sandwich, cream cheese, delicious, easy, egg, Egg mcbangin, egg mcmuffin, egg sandwich, fancy, fast, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, naked, over easy, recipe, romance, sandwich, SEDUCTION, sex, sinwich, toast, tomato, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 14, 2015
Too hot to handle, Too cold to hold. They call this an aphrodisiac, Now go and be bold!
I feel ya! Now feel me. Go on. Reach out and take hold. Wondering what that hot sensation is? It’s my caliente Latin vibe making your brow sweat, heart race, and loins go pitter-patter. Who says boozy drinks can only be sweet, sour, or bloody boring? A pox on thy lame house! How about a spicy alcoholic beverage that is sure to prime them for the night’s inevitable conclusion? That, my friends, is taking the initiative. Your date will never accuse you of having an apologetic palette. Now be sure to feel them as they feel ya tequila. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, libation lubrication, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: a pox on thy house, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bartender, beverage, booze, caliente, cocktail, delicious, DIY, easy, food, funny, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, hot, I feel ya tequila, intercourse, kitchen, latin, Latino, libido, lime, love, mixologist, naked, recipe, romance, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chilies, sex, simple syrup, spicy cocktail, spicy tequila cocktail, sugar, tasty, tequila, vibe, water, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 12, 2015
One good bang deserves another.
Sometimes the second round of banging can top the first. Sure it isn’t as fresh as the first kill (figuratively speaking, Rambo) during a conquest. But your sexy time date’s flavor sets in a little and becomes familiar and welcoming. Soon you will be reaching for them on a regular basis, happy for more of the same. While I’m enjoying my salad days where I’m sampling everything at the buffet before I get serious about one dish, I see the appeal. It’s like that perfect slice of fish that you can’t pass up in favor of the juicy chicken cordon bleu. The same rules apply with this salad. I grilled an outstanding slab of salmon for party of 20 (sorry I didn’t document) and ended up with a fridge full of leftovers. Adding the salmon to the salad was almost an afterthought, like banging the person sleeping next to you while you’re half asleep. Good thing for that. This salad satisfied the hungry girl from the party who stayed the night…and half the next day.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Chardonnay or an Arnold Palmer (w/ vodka if you’re hardcore)
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp of feta cheese
2. 1 cucumber sliced thinly
3. 1 tbsp vinegar (chef’s choice)
4. 1 tbsp lemon juice
5. 1 tbsp olive oil
6. 2 massive handfuls romaine lettuce chopped coarsely
7. ½ onion chopped finely
8. 1 carrot peeled, sliced thinly
9. 2 handfuls leftover SALMON
10. 1 handful kalamata olives
Step 1
Create the dressing by mixing up the onion, olive oil, vinegar and lemon juice.
Step 2
Toss the lettuce, cucumber, carrots, de-pitted olives and dressing.
Step 3
Spoon plates of salad and crown with the salmon and feta cheese
Serve up the salad solo, or with a SINWICH or SOUP or both!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, fusion, greek, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: bang, banging, carrot, cucumber, delicious, DIY, dressing, easy, feta cheese, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grilled salmon salad recipe, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, lemon juice, lettuce, libido, naked, olive oil, onion, recipe, romaine, Round 2 salmon salad recipe, salmon, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sleepover, tasty, toss your salad, vinegar, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 24, 2015
The ancient fable spoke of a golden era of cooking and banging.
Read through the footnotes of the Kama Sutra and you will learn about a mysterious dish with incomparable sexual power. This dish had not been created then, but was predicted by a great Indian psychic. I took the liberty of deciphering the ancient Sanskrit because I am a power hungry sociopath. My goal was to control the opposite sex’s minds. So far so good. I can get my stable to sit, fetch and bend over. Good girls! The simplicity of grilled fish and a salad makes this one of the easiest methods of keeping someone you want to bang under your spell. Now I pass along this fabled recipe to you. Grill with God! Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, RECIPES, seafood, summer | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, coals, delicious, dill, DIY, easy, fable, fables maple salmon recipe, fast, fish, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, grill with god, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kama sutra, kitchen, libido, naked, recipe, Sanskrit, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sociopath, summer, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 17, 2015
The broc shall defrock!
This recipe comes courtesy of James in Portland, OR. Here’s to starting off the summer right with a unique summer grill recipe! James writes:
Something about those summer thrills gives me the chills. Sure you’re sweating your balls off and stuffing your face with something hot. But this recipe is so damn cool it makes you feel all refreshed because it’s still healthy and damn tasty! My mama always told me broccoli would make me live forever. Who know if that is true? One thing I can say with certainty, I’m gonna Cook To Bang forever! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, contests, GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, banging, bbq, bbq broccoli, broccoli head, chills, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grill, grilled thrills broccoli, grillin' like a villain, ground pepper, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lemon vegan, libido, naked, olive oil, Oregon, pine nuts, Portland, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, summer, tasty, tinfoil, vegetarian, yum, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 