PIMP MY SHRIMP TACOS

September 21, 2015

Shrimping and pimping and bed sheet crimping

It’s time to apply the philosophy of MTV’s Pimp My Ride to your dinner.  Say you have a taco recipe that is so-so.  Your tacos will feed hungry people, but chances are no one you’ve served them to have torn off their clothes to show their appreciation.  That is a damn shame Cook To Bang will rectify.  We’re taking a simple taco recipe, supping it up with aphrodisiac-laden flavor, and letting that shit ride across your plates then down your gullets faster than you can say, “I’ll get some protection.”  I learned a similar recipe while acting a fool in Baja California chasing senoritas while downing margaritas.  These tacos sure made my beach side dalliances more enjoyable. I smuggled the recipe across the border along with some fireworks and KABOOM! Pleasant pimpin’. Read the rest of this entry »


LAZADILLA

September 2, 2015
Lazy days, lazy ways, lazy lays

Lazy days, lazy ways, lazy lays

Sometimes you just want to gloss over the cooking and get right to the banging.  Understandably so.  But know this, my impatient pupil.  You could very well jeopardize your whole skeezy agenda by rushing through.  You need to at least appear to make the effort and show something for your trouble.  So it better be damn impressive if you are going to throw something edible together in less than 10 minutes.  Lucky COOK TO BANG has your back with an excessively simplistic finger food that is also reasonably good for you since you are toasting rather than frying in a pan.  Behold the Lazadilla, a quesadilla so tasty, easy, and unmessy, that NASA has hired me to make crate-loads of these for the manned Mission to Mars.  Hopefully these can at least convince your date to fly you to the moon.  Houston, we have no problem! Read the rest of this entry »


CHILLIN’ GRILLIN’ ILLIN’ SALAD

August 31, 2015
You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!

You're just grillin', like Bob Dylan!

This grilled chicken salad has all the fixings that will help you get that fix.  Been hard up for some attention of the leisurely kind?  Fret no more that you will die celibate and alone in a shack made of cow dung deep in the wilderness.  This salad should help you get back on your feet and banging once more.  Just step back and allow the grilled chicken to open up the flavor in this uber-healthy salad.  You can lure whichever conquest you have your heart set on with promised of a high protein, low calorie waltz on their tongue.  It’s an easy dish to play off like you threw it together without so much as a second thought.  You can leave the impression that this is how you always eat because you are that awesome and nonchalant.  Now you’ll have plenty of time to wow the shit out of your date with other impressive qualities like the ability to read palms, take out flies with a blowgun, and give someone an orgasm from across the room.  Go and get them…at your leisure. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGARITA

July 20, 2015
Celebrate Cinco de Mayo with cinco sessions de bango!

Celebrate Cinco de Mayo with cinco sessions de bango!

The time has come my friends to celebrate the Mexican army’s triumph over France in 1852!  Those of you who think today is Mexican Independence Day need to drop the Corona and sober up.  You see, nothing says raw sex appeal like Mexican military history.  No doubt we will all focus on the strategic importance of this victory rather than get piss drunk on tequila and stuff our mouths with all manner of FINGER FOODS.  But if you must indulge in the tomfoolery of celebrating Mexican culture, drink with style. The sexy senoritas and senors will respond more favorably to a beverage of this caliber than to a margarita made from that acidic pre-mix and bad tequila.  Now make like a Mexican jumping bean and dance around that sombrero.  Ole! Read the rest of this entry »


ME-NUDE-OH! SHRIMP

June 19, 2015
You say Menudo, I say Backstreet Boys, Serve them up at 98 Degrees

You say Menudo, I say Backstreet Boys, Serve them up at 98 Degrees

What’s the first thing you think of when I say MENUDO?  You probably are thinking about a crappy Latin boy band from the 80’s.  This is truly unfortunate.  You are letting outdated pop culture byproducts cloud your judgment.  Let me educate you unfortunate souls on menudo mix.  This simple Mexican blend of herbs and spices (oregano, crushed red pepper flakes, onion powder, cumin, and onion powder) can take some dishes from bueno to AY CARUMBA! Like Ricky Martin’s career, this is certainly the case with this dish.  Shrimp have the glorious ability to absorb almost any flavor into its awesome texture.  Keep them in their shells and you will have flavor to spare.  You just have to bring the same amount of flare into the bedroom as Menudo brought on stage for the millions of 80’s teenage girls in their neon leggings and jelly shoes.  I have faith in you.  So next time you think about Menudo, eat without prejudice. Read the rest of this entry »


BANGING SAFARI CALAMARI TACOS

July 18, 2014
Come on a banging safari with me!

Come on a banging safari with me!

The Beach Boys sang about surfing safaris.  They’d travel the world surfing and singing their little hearts out.  Not a bad idea, except substitute banging for surfing, and singing for grilling.  Now we’re talking about a trip to remember.  We can squeeze in some waves and singing while in the final throes of banging.  But it’s all about beach time fun time all the time.  You don’t have time to waste in the water when you have hot tanning bodies waiting for you to invite them to chill out while you grill out.  Use the surfboard as a prop and hint that you just won a lifetime supply of sunscreen.  Offer to rub some of your grand prize onto their shoulders and lure them over to your beach shack.  Demonstrate your skills out of the water and grill them up some crazy easy, low-calorie tacos that won’t harm their swimsuit bod.  Now comes the easy part of the safari. Read the rest of this entry »


FO REAL YO! TOMATILLO SALSA

June 17, 2014

Salsa your way across the dancefloor to the snack table for more salsa!

This recipe comes courtesy of Derek in Denver, CO. This badass tomatillo salsa recipe has been scoring him smoking hot granola girls by the bakers dozen. Derek writes:

Salsa salsa salsa! Nothing like a simple a perfect combination of Mexican spices, flavors, and cajones to inspire some sexy time. We got the right amount of flavor and heat without sending anyone home crying for their mommies. And this will come in handy as you lay out your finest game. I find that this recipe is all that and a bag of chips. Tortilla chips. I hope your readers enjoy as much I have enjoyed the fairer sex of Colorado! Read the rest of this entry »