January 9, 2014
Dig on down to the underground. There are treasures to be found.
All kinds of exciting things happen below the ground. Ever hear of a gopher gala? What about a mole massive? Groundhog grind? Do you know what fuels all these critters crazy times? Root vegetables! Potatoes, beets, radishes, and oh so many more. Bully to the fancy pants food that grows above ground. No self-respecting tunnel-digging creature would ever admit to preferring a tomato to a carrot. So in honor of the subterranean happenings that I had the pleasure of attending, I whipped up an uber-healthy salad using only goods from down below. I had all the underground creatures sitting around my table like a Mad Hatter style tea party. It was messy, but oh so delicious. And then the queen of the mole people invited me into her boudoir for a private show you would never see on the Disney Channel. We were to be betrothed, but I escaped through a tunnel that led me back to my bed where I woke up confused and a little hungry.
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2 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: alice in wonderland, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beets, betrothed, boil, calivirgin, chop, delicious, Disney channel, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get down in the ground veggie salad, get laid, goat cheese, gopher, gourmet, groundhog, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, mad Hatter, mole, mole people, naked, olive oil, peel, potato, radishes, recipe, root vegetables, root veggie salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, subterranean, tasty, tea party, toss, toss your salad, underground party, vegetarian, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
September 16, 2013
Wrap it, wrap it, WRAP IT up tight!
Culinary seduction is a delicate dance. One can never seem too eager or lackadaisical. Walk the tightrope. It’s all about putting as much passion into your cooking as you do into your banging. Like in the sack, you want them begging for more of your food. This can yield repeat visits from a sex kitten or wild stallion. They might just tell their friends about the hottest night of their adult life, your future CTB candidates. There is no better publicity than an outstanding performance. Hence, this fine dish. It all started while I was house-sitting a family friend’s home in Key West. I took a booze cruise along the Florida Bay where I met a college girl staying with her eccentric aunt. We laughed and drank and were both ravenous when we stepped off the SS Drunken Fools. I bought freshly shucked jumbo scallops from a fisherman on the docks and lured her to my abode with promises of the “best meal ever”. When I got to the pad I found a fridge loaded with only condiments and frozen bacon in the freezer. Desperation leads to innovation and in this case fornication. The bacon was crisp, the scallops succulent, the flavor in full effect. After eating my food, this college girl was down for just about anything. She did in fact beg for more and more and more. Only a cold-hearted bastard would deny her. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bacon, Bacon wrapped scallop recipe, bacon wrapped scallops, bang, booze cruise, college girl, crushed red pepper, delicious, easy, fisherman, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, intercourse, jumbo scallops, kitchen, lime, mayonnaise, naked, recipe, romance, salt, scallops, seafood, SEDUCTION, sex, shellfish, southern, succulent, sun dried tomato, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
August 5, 2013
Fellas, say this when you serve it up, “Soy Senor Grande Magnifico!”
After you CTB for a while, you get immune to the awe-inspired praise. Deliver the two primal pleasures in large quantities and you will have them brainwashed. Wielding the culinary seduction skills of a wizard has its advantages. You are in control, literally dishing out doses of delight turns you into the banging equivalent of a crack dealer. Intense rushes of ìoohsî and ìahsî are dealt like vials of culinary crack on the playground. Your chosen playpal(s) will be unable to resist you whenever you lead them by the hand into your kitchen. Culinary crack hos they will soon become. This aphrodisiac triple-threat is the perfect first taste that will leave them begging for their next fix. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: ah, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, black pepper, brainwash, calivirgin, culinary crack ho, culinary seduction, delicious, DIY, easy, fig jam, fix, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, it’s so fig! shrimp, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, ooh, pine nuts, recipe, red onion, salt, sauce, sauté, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, shrimp in fig sauce recipe, tasty, triple-threat, wizard, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 25, 2013
Roast them, eat them, do not fear them
Title translation: “Tomatillos for my friends with benefits”. Cook To Bang firmly stands behind our willingness to reach out and touch the sexy people of all nations and languages. I’m not only a representative of international culinary seduction, I’m also a client. Hence the multinational recipes, which truly give you BANG for your buck. Tomatillos are a piece of produce too often overlooked. No doubt, I have walked past them in my local bodega wondering, “What’s with those green tomato thingees wrapped in their own leaves? I shall deny their existence just as I deny that there is an alien living in my basement that watches reality TV all day. Sorry, Roger.” Luckily I managed to break down my fear of the unknown because I had a date coming over who had already tried a good portion of my edible arsenal. So on a hope and a prayer to one of Roger’s alien gods, I got down to business and made up something random, loading it with surefire aphrodisiacs. Wouldn’t you know it, my date was rather impressed with my latest efforts and showed it via some new moves she learned watching Animal Planet. We may have freaked Roger out with our inhuman grunts, but he’s a guest in my house. So tough titties, you alien freeloader! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alien, aphrodisiac, appetizer, bake, bang, bodega, cayenne pepper, delicious, easy, finger food, flavor, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hands off, honey, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, mexico, naked, not salsa tomatillo, olive oil, oven, reality TV, recipe, roast, Roasted tomatillo recipe, roger, romance, salt, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, spicy, spicy tomatillo recipe, tasty, tomatillos, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 26, 2013
Rejection is merely a learning opportunity so you can pull hotter ass later.
The way I look at it, anyone foolish enough to turn me down for sex is only punishing themselves. They will spend the rest of their lives wondering “what if?” while hearing field reports from their friends and family members how amazing I am in the kitchen and sack. No hard feelings on my end. Their loss is another girl’s gain. I (you) will bang plenty of strange over the course of my (your) cooking and banging career. Instead of kicking a can down the street in humiliation, I laugh off rejection and learn from my mistakes. Perhaps I was too pushy, not pushy enough, wasn’t wearing nice enough shoes, or perhaps my devastating good looks and devilish charm brought our their insecurities. Whatever the case may be, I adjust my approach as needed for the next date who understands how idiotic turning me down would be. The same rules apply with these squash I picked up from the farmer market along with a girl shopping for fresh berries. We combined our wares in more ways than one. Neither of lost because we seized the goddamn day! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bbq, black pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grill, grilled petit pan squash recipe, grilled squash recipe, grilled summer squash recipe, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, homemade, humiliation, insecurity, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, petit pan squash, recipe, rejection, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, summer, summer squash, tasty, their loss grilled squash recipe, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 12, 2013
You made these fries for me? You’re totally sweet!
Dude! Did you see that ollie Mctwist I pulled over the rails? Totally sweet! Did you see how I walked right up to that blonde and got her number? Totally sweet! Did I mention I was able to Cook To Bang? Totally sweet! Did I tell you what I cooked to seal the deal? Totally Sweet Potato Fries! These oven-baked fries are seasoned to perfection and make a totally sweet starter, side dish or post-coital snack. The only thing you have to figure out which someone is worthy of making this stupid-easy dish for. Hmm… Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, french, healthy, RECIPES, southern, winter | Tagged: appetizer, baked fries, baked sweet potato fries, carbohydrate, carboluscious, compliment, finger food, healthier, olive oil, paprika, pepper, rosemary, salt, side dish, slut, snack, Sweet potato fries recipe, sweet potatoes, totally sweet, yams | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 5, 2013
The roastest with the mostest!
It’s a damn shame how many people fear the artichoke. On the surface, it’s an intimidating vegetable. The spiky leaves that could kill a man certainly don’t help. Neither does the complicated center that is pretty, but inedible. But alas, once you get past all that superfluous nonsense, you got yourself an aphrodisiac that tastes like you broke off an angel’s wing and dipped it in wasabi. The texture alone should sell you on this magnificent gift from the food gods. Plus we’re talking finger food here. That means you can hand feed your date, fostering an intimacy you can later exploit. While you wait for the artichoke to roast, you can whip something equally awesome up or just waltz your date around the kitchen like a ballerina. Now be brave, be bold and buy yourself some artichokes! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: angel wings, aphrodisiac, artichoke, bang, banging, black pepper, calivirgin, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, olive oil, recipe, roast, Roast artichoke recipe, roast the choke blokes!, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spiky leaves, tasty, vegan, vegetable, vegetarian, wasabi, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 25, 2012
Blackened Catfish, blacker heart
I like my catfish to match the color of my heart: black. At least that’s what every girl I just banged has said. Apparently sleeping with someone with no emotion beyond “boy that was fun, but the fact she hasn’t left yet is starting to annoy me” is not nice guy behavior. Who knew? I try to make up for my morally bankrupt existence through my culinary endeavors. Who’s to say that cooking a meal worthy of Jesus, Moses, Mohammed or Yoda can’t redeem oneself? This blackened catfish should at least temporarily make up for my blackened heart. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood, southern, spicy | Tagged: bad boy, bang, banging, black pepper, blacked catfish recipe, blackeded heart catfish, butter, Cajun catfish recipe, catfish, cayenne pepper, creole, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic salt, get laid, gourmet, grill, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, jesus, kitchen, lemon aphrodisiac, libido, lousiana, marinate, mohammed, moses, naked, New Orleans, nice guy, pan-fry, paprika, recipe, red wine vinegar, salt, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, southern, spicy, star wars, tasty, yoda, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2012
Turn the key and turn them on!
Sometimes banging someone is a struggle to achieve from the get go. Whether they have morals, romantic notions, or are gold diggers that expect a signed contract allocating your internal organs, it can be a pain in the ass. Wouldn’t it be much easier if said piece of ass would open with a simple twist of the key? My thoughts exactly. So I locked myself in the CTB R&D lab for months trying to figure out the formula to turn any meal into a panty skeleton key, but alas I was foiled. But during the course of my CTB travels, I stayed at one such challenge’s home. While she was at work, I rummaged through her kitchen and shopped for a few extra goodies. When she came home on her lunch break, I had this sandwich waiting for her. Let’s just say she was a little late to work and had to explain a questionable stain on her pantsuit. These pics are the meal I made that cracked the code…and bed frame. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, MORNING WOOD, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, baguette, bang, banging, breakfast, cayenne pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, eggs, food, game changer, get laid, gold diggers, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Italian parsley, kitchen, lab, libido, morning, naked, olive oil, pantsuit, panty skeleton key, r&d, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tomato, turkey breakfast sandwich recipe, turkey burger patty, Turkey turnkey sexfast sinwich, turnkey, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 16, 2011
Because banging once is never enough!
Why bang once when you can bang twice or thrice and on and on? The first banging session is a warm up, a mulligan if you will. Sure it’s like the first ascent of a famed mountain peak, but sometimes you are too exhausted to really take in the view. Now that you’re onto round two you can savor it. You’ve been here before, so you are appreciating new aspects like the pubic foliage. I hope that the arduous journey (cooking) was worth the destination (banging). It would have to be if you are coming back for a sequel. If Godfather II, Empire Strikes Back and Evil Dead 2 taught us anything, it’s that the second time can be sweeter than the first. So warm that shit back up for late night spooning. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, RECIPES, southern, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bake, bang, basil, carb, carbohydrates, cheddar cheese, delicious, DIY, easy, empire strikes back, evil dead 2, foliage, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, goat cheese, godfather II, golf, gourmet, gourmet twice baked potato, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, mulligan, naked, olive oil, onion, pepper, potato, pubic, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, sex, sour cream, spooning, tasty, thrice, twice, Twice baked potato recipe, twice banged potato, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 