KETCHUP SEX PASTA

December 7, 2009

It's important to catch up with old friends with benefits.

It’s always a trip banging someone you haven’t seen in a long while.  The experience seems so foreign, yet so familiar. You remember their curves, their scent, and that thing they do with their tongue.  There was definitely a reason that you once engaged in erotic research together.  A three-course meal that will require half the day to prepare isn’t in the cards with that much catching up to do.  In order to relive those misty watercolor memories of carnal connections, you should make something slamming that can be whipped up in a hurry.  This is the concoction I threw together when such an occasion occurred.  A long forgotten ex in town for business for a night was the lucky recipient of this accidental bang-de-force.  I sent home-girl to her sales meeting with a bounce in her step from a pleasant evening catching up with ketchup.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Red vino always

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 dashes salt
2. 1 dash BASIL flakes
3. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
4. 3 tbsp ketchup
5. 2 handfuls kale
6. 8-OZ spaghetti
7. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
8. 1 handful goat cheese
9. 1 small eggplant chopped coarsely
10. ½ apple sliced thinly

Step 1
Create the sauce by sautéing the garlic with olive oil.  Add the eggplant and a shot glass of water and cook until the water is absorbed (approx 3 min).  Throw in the apples, smother them in olive oil, then toss in the kale, spice with salt and basil and cook down the ingredients (approx 4 min).  Squeeze in the ketchup, mix around and slow simmer while you move onto Step 2.

Step 2
Salt the boiling water and cook the pasta al dente. Drain the pasta and add it to the pasta sauce and toss thoroughly.  Plate up the pasta and crumble goat cheese over.

Serve this up quick and get back to the thick.

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BREAK YOUR HEARTY PASTA

December 3, 2009

Each noodle is a thread of attraction sliding down their throat into their hearts.

Pasta was my love long before I appreciated the finer foods.  From the get-go, I slarped down cans of Chef Boyardee pasta letters, crazy for carbs.  You can imagine my frustration over the Atkins zombies ruining food for the rest of us. They don’t understand the rudimentary equation for health: balance of diet and exercise. Therefore their unhealthy dismissal of carbohydrates, the item most essential to early civilization development, makes the pasta pimp in me prep my hand for a bitch-slap.  Pasta gets me off.  It’s that simple. I need hearty fuel to keep me charging ahead when it’s cold and miserable outside.  How else am I going to keep myself charging through the day and make it through to another exhausting evening of cooking to bang?  There are too many hearts to break to get weak and mopey due to lack of premium gas pasta power. Your date will be equally stoked for the hearty comfort…unless they are an Atkins freak. Those folks are more likely to smothers their bun-free burger in cow’s blood and howl at the full moon.  FYI- Werewolves are hot in the sack, but my doctor says the claw marks dug into my back will probably scar.  Let this be a warning to Cook To Bang’s Team Jacob readers.

Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine, sucka! Lots of it.

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 1 28-OZ can of crushed tomatoes
3. 1 kale bunch
4. 1 radish bunch with stalks/leaves
5. 1 tsp parsley flakes
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 sausages chopped into bite-sized pieces
8. Parmesan to taste
9. 2 garlic cloves sliced thinly
10. ½ lb whole wheat spaghetti

Step 1
While the spaghetti boils, complete steps 2 & 3. Once al dente, drain and mix in the complete sauce and crown with Parmesan, as you like.

Step 2
Wash the radishes, chopping the stocks and leaves into smaller pieces. Cut off the ends of the radish and slice into bite-sized rounds. Wash the kale too and cut into smaller pieces.

Step 3
Sauté the garlic and radishes in a stockpot until they soften (approx 5 min).  Add the radish leaves and kale and cook until they wilt like spinach (approx 3 min).  Push the sautéed veggies to one side and sauté the sausages until they brown (approx 3 min).  Pour in the tomato can, using a blunt object to pulverize them even further.  Spice the sauce with salt and parsley flakes, slow simmer until the pasta is ready, and then go back to Step 1.

This heartiest of hearty pastas goes great with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD. More carbs, yay!

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FONDLE MY SAUSAGE & PINCH MY PEPPERS

April 21, 2009
Fondle by candle light

Fondle by candle light

Some prudes blanch at the idea of being touched, let alone being fondled.  That is their beast of repressive burden to carry.  Personally, I enjoy being fondled with regularity.  What can I say?  I’m a giver.  I am always ready to offer up something phallic to the ladies on my CTB wish list.  While this dish doesn’t look quite so fresh and so clean as a SALAD, it does tastes like it came out of an Italian mother’s kitchen.  Every bite makes me want to sing an operatic falsetto because the taste is just too much of a good thing.  Take advantage of this dish’s power and make me proud, old sport.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

sausage-n-peppers-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. ½ teaspoon of salt
4. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
5. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
6. 2 diced tomatoes
7. 1 green pepper cut into long strips
8. 1 onion cut into long strips
9. 5 sausage links (chicken or veggie sausage OK)
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely.

Step 1

Warm the olive oil up in a large pan or wok.  Toss in the garlic and allow to cook (approx 2 minutes).  In the mean time, slice the sausages in half and set them skin side down in the oil. Flip once so the other has of sausage cooks (approx 2 minutes per side).
sausage-n-peppers-garlic-meatStep 2
Next toss in the onions, peppers and tomato, then stir in some pepper, salt and crushed red pepper.  Pour the wine in and cook everything on low until the wine evaporates (approx 20 minutes).
sausage-n-peppers-veggies
Step 3
Toast some bread if you like.  Split the toast and scatter them neatly on the plate.  Serve up some Sausage and Pepper and sing Ave Maria!

sausage-n-peppers-toast-serve1

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SHROOM SHALAKLAK BOOM SOUP

April 1, 2009
Don’t forget to mushroom tip your waitress!

Don’t forget to mushroom tip your waitress!

Can you feel the rhythm?  It starts with your hips going back and forth like a metronome.  Feel it flow out to every point in your body.  You and your date are under the spell of the mushroom.  There is nothing either of you can do but let go.  Dance, fool, dance!  Your bodies will pulsate and writhe together.  The warm embrace of the soup will inspire you two to become as one…for a half hour or so.  It is for your benefit that you carry on.  This mystical culinary potion has no fat to speak of.  The natural flavor will cause your brain’s synapse to snap, crackle, and pop in a pleasure-filled frenzy.  My advice: Take advantage of this recipe while it remains 100% legal.  No doubt there is some buzz killer on the mission to make this soup contraband because it’s too sexy for their conservative closed minds.

Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $10
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine

shroom-shalaklak-boom-prepIngredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can of chicken broth
2. ½ cup of sherry
3. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
4. 1 teaspoon of salt
5. 1 leek
6. ½ pound of fresh shitake mushrooms
7. ½ pound of white mushrooms
8. 2 small handfuls of raw walnuts
9. 3 garlic cloves minced

Step 1
Wash off the leek, trim the edges off, spit it down the middle and chop coarsely.  Wash the mushrooms thoroughly and chop them coarsely.
shroom-shalaklak-boom-cut
Step 2
Heat up the olive oil in a stockpot on medium-high heat.  Sauté the garlic and leeks until the shrink down and become translucent (approx 3 minutes).  Add in the mushrooms, salt and sherry and cook the mushrooms down until they soften (approx 5 minutes).
shroom-shalaklak-boom-veggies
Step 3
Dump in the chicken stock, bring it to a boil, and then simmer the goodies covered with a lid on low until the mushrooms absorb the liquid (approx 15 minutes).  Gently puree the mushrooms, leaving some chunks intact.  Serve it up with a small handful of walnuts over each bowl.
shroom-shalaklak-boom-broth-puree-serve

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LET MY LEMON CHICKEN PASTA GO!

March 24, 2009
Put down the chicken breast and no one gets hurt!

Put down the chicken breast and no one gets hurt!

Yeah, you heard me!  Take your hands off my chicken breasts and amscray!  You don’t see me walking around all cavalier and fondling other people’s breasts.  What?  Well that was consensual! Very very consensual!  Oh, and that other time.  You got me there.  But that was just to draw a laugh.  No, I’m not messing with you.  You can’t blame me for that!  It was a double dog dare!  And if I’m not mistaken, she did give me her number.  I cooked for her too.  We had a great evening and, yes, I did fondle.  But she insisted.  I was perfectly happy to just play Scrabble and discuss current events.  So once again, I’m not in the wrong.  You are!  Now are you going to put my breasts down so I can grill them or will I have to resort to fisticuffs?  I will defend my chicken breasts’ honor and then eat them if it’s the last thing I do!

Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red red wine

lemon-chicken-pasta-prep1Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
2. 1 teaspoon of salt
3. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
4. ½ teaspoon of dried basil
5. 2 teaspoons of black pepper
6. ¼ pound of dried Rotelle pasta
7. 3 tomatoes chopped coarsely
8. 2 handfuls of sliced mushrooms
9. ½ a lemon of juice
10. ½ pound of chicken breast sliced into bite-sized pieces
11. 2 handfuls of bite-sized broccoli pieces
Step 1
Mix up the chicken with the lemon juice and black pepper and allow it to marinate (approx 10 minutes).  Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium heat.  Then cook the chicken through in it’s own juices until it goes white (approx 6 minutes).  Set aside.
lemon-chicken-pasta-marinate-grillStep 2
Heat up the rest of the olive oil in a pan and stir-fry the broccoli and mushrooms with more lemon juice until they soften (approx 4 minutes).  Finally add the tomatoes along with a liberal dashing of salt, crushed red pepper and basil, and stew and stir it all down into a sauce (approx 5 minutes).
lemon-chicken-pasta-sauce1Step 3
Boil water, cook and drain the pasta al dente.  Pour in the pasta in with sauce and stir it up.  Crown it all with the lemon pepper chicken, and serve.
lemon-chicken-pasta-boil-drain AddThis Social Bookmark Button


EGGPLANT PARMESAN BOOTY BOMB

March 9, 2009
Now that I am armed with the Booty Bomb, nothing can stop me.  Muahahaha!

Now that I am armed with the Booty Bomb, nothing can stop me. Muahahaha!

Weapons of mass destruction are no doubt dangerous in the hands of terrorists.  But what about weapons of mass satisfaction?  They also pose a threat in the hands of the common man.  I found this out the hard way when I adjusted a simple recipe for eggplant Parmesan.  This already awesome dish took my game to DEFCON 5. Suddenly I could cause an orgasm in every woman in a 5 mile-radius as soon as I popped this dish into the oven.  The power did in fact go to my head. I became a super-villain indiscriminately bringing beautiful women to their knees in abject pleasure.  Lucky for mankind, a douchey superhero known as the Cock-Blocker managed to wipe my memory clean of the ingredients of this recipe. Too bad for that good two-shoes so-called hero, the Freedom of Information Act allows the rest of you access to this powerful dish.  Cook with caution!

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Drinking Buddy: Red wine

eggplant-parm-prepIngredients:
1. Salt to taste
2. ½ tablespoon of oregano
3. 3 tablespoons of olive oil
4. 1 28-ounce can of tomatoes
5. 1 large handful of shredded/chopped mozzarella
6. 2 eggs
7. 1 large eggplant cut into 1-inch thick rounds
8. 1 onion chopped coarsely
9. 1 handful of chopped parsley
10. 3 garlic cloves chopped coarsely
11. ½ cup of flour
12. ¼ cup of shredded Parmesan
13. ½ cup of breadcrumbs

Step 1
Create the sauce by heating up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat.  Sauté the garlic until they whiten (approx 30 seconds).  Sauté the onions until they become translucent (approx 2 minutes).  Add salt to taste and parsley and cook in the flavor (approx 1 minute).  Add the tomatoes and crush them yourself.  Turn the heat down low and allow the sauce to simmer as you move on to Step 2.
eggplant-parm-sauce
Step 2
Create the eggplant batter.  First mix up the breading: flour, breadcrumbs, Parmesan and oregano in one bowl.  Beat the eggs in a second bowl.  Heat up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a pan on medium-high heat.  Dip each eggplant round in the eggs, and then the breading and fry them 4 or five at a time.  Flip once after the bottoms brown (approx 2 minutes) and repeat.  Set aside on a paper towel to soak up excess oil.  Repeat as needed.
eggplant-parm-batter-fry
Step 3
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F.  Lay down a base of sauce in a small baking/casserole dish. Put down a layer of fried eggplants.  Place another layer of sauce and eggplants until you have exhausted your supply, laying the last of the sauce on top.  Scatter the mozzarella buckshot style over the top and throw in the oven.  Bake until the cheese crusts and browns (approx 20 minutes).  You are in for a treat!  Serve it up solo or with some PASTA.
eggplant-parm-bake

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ROAST-A-NUT SQUASH

January 13, 2009
Don't hold back, Bust-a-Nut Squash!

Don't hold back, Bust-a-Nut Squash!

Because one BUTTERNUT SQUASH recipe is never enough.  This squash is way too tasty and silky for only one trip around the kitchen.  Say you have a glorious ENTRÉE already planned.  The wine is picked out. The table was set this morning in anticipation for the amazing evening that lies ahead.  But alas, you can’t figure out what to serve with your meal that is classy and delicious.  You, my friends (in John McCain voice), are in luck!  This dish is hands off and can be prepared passively while you bust out your extraordinary closer recipe.  Just be sure to give yourself plenty of time for the squash to roast, and thus fill up your kitchen with sexy smells that make the angels cry.  Glory glory hallelujah on your plate.  I made this dish last night for a beautiful, but squeamish vegetarian.  She complained about the butter and Parmesan ingredients until she took her first bite.  Then she took her second and third bites, and then finally she finished it off, inquiring if I had another.  I did not have another Bust-a-Nut Squash, but we both got what we wanted.  Amen to that!

**My cooking guru, Cookie Lewis and the News, taught me this dish.  Her culinary skills make Emeril look like a pansy!

Total time: approximately 45 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: Depends on what you serve with it, but I recommend whiskey, like America’s founding fathers

roasted-butternut-squash-prepIngredients (serves two):
1. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
2. 1 tablespoon of brown sugar
3. 1 tablespoon of butter
4. 3 garlic cloves diced
5. 1 healthy handful of Parmesan
6. 1 butternut squash split and gutted

Step 1
Preheat oven to 400 degrees F.  Spread olive oil on each side of the innards of the butternut squash.  Scatter the garlic and brown sugar evenly throughout and cover each separately with tinfoil.  Roast the squash halves until you can easily pierce the meat with a fork (approx 35 minutes).
roasted-butternut-squash-roast
Step 2
Scoop out the roast butternut squash meat from the shells being sure to leave them in tact.  Mix the squash meat with the butter and Parmesan, using a fork to mash it all together.  Scoop the mixture back into the squash shells and salt and pepper as you like.  Serve one re-stuffed butternut squash shell onto each plate confident that it tastes 100% CARBOLUSCIOUS!

roasted-butternut-squash-mix-stuffroasted-butternut-squash-served-2

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FRENCH KISS MY ONION SOUP

December 31, 2008

Taste me soup, Vive la France!

Taste my soup and Vive la France!

Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?  Yes indeed, mon ami.  But before we get down to the task at hand, let’s get some sustenance.  Oui?  You have to love those Frenchy frogs with their many culinary innovations.  The precision they employ to make their fabulous meals is unparalleled and has been turning us on for centuries.  Merci to that!  Who doesn’t love a bowl of French onion soup on a cold winter day?  The salty tang of the onions, the soggy French bread and stretchy cheese that always ends up on your chin.  My knees are knocking while I eat seconds as I write this.  Tres joleis!  This soup certainly stepped up to the plate of providing radical results.  My date was clearly impressed by the TLC put into it, but it was love at first bite.  Neither of us could finish the bowl due to the distractions of wine and spontaneous waltzing around the kitchen.  The first post-coital bite made me want to put on a beret and write post-modern poetry in French.  Sacre bleu!

Total time: approximately 1½ hours
Projected cost: $10 (gruyere cheese makes it costly)
Drinking Buddy: Wine of course, silly Yankee scum!

french-onion-soup-prepIngredients:
1. 1 teaspoon of salt
2. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
3. ½ cup of cooking sherry
4. 6 cups of chicken broth
5. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
6. 1 tablespoon of dried thyme (or 6 sprigs fresh)
7. 2 tablespoons of butter
8. 6 yellow onion chopped in long strips
9. French baguette cut into ½ inch slices
10. 8 ounces of Gruyere cheese (can substitute for Swiss)

Step 1
Heat a stockpot up on medium heat and melt the butter and olive oil with the salt.  Throw in the onions and mix them around.  Cook the onions until they reduce in volume and brown. (approx 20 minutes)
french-onion-soup-onion
Step 2
Pour in 2 cups of water into the onions and cook until the water evaporates, leaving the onions in a big brown clump.  (approx 10 minutes)  Pour in the sherry and repeat.  (approx 5 minutes)
french-onion-soup-water-sherry1
Step 3
Add the thyme and chicken broth.  On high heat, bring it all to a roaring boil, then reduce heat and simmer.  (approx 30 minutes)
french-onion-soup-thyme-broth
Step 4
Preheat the oven to broil.  Ladle soup into the small, deep bowls.  Place French bread slices on top of each soup.  Sprinkle the Gruyere cheese over each slice of French bread so they are covered evenly.  Broil the soups (approx 5 minutes), allow to cool (another 5 minutes), and then eat up.  Ooh la la!

french-onion-soup-cheese

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GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD

December 8, 2008
You garlic going on, you sexy thing, you!
You garlic going on, you sexy thing, you!

No pasta dish is truly complete without garlic bread.  It’s like getting down without your lover going down on you.  Sure the job gets done, but there’s always a part of you longing for a little oral objectification.  Half-assing your meal is like half-assing foreplay, which could lead to dire consequences like a cold shower and possible rumors of small-endowment.  Plus there’s no need to be unsatisfied by your meal when garlic bread is so simple and inexpensive to create.  A few slices, spreads and baking later and you are in business.  Use the bread to mop up that tasty sexy sauce you whipped up.  Lick the plate clean in preparation for the thorough licking you will enjoy later.

Total time: approximately 40 minutes

Projected cost for ingredients: $3

garlic-bread-prepIngredients:
1. 1 small baguette
2. ¼ stick of butter
3. 3 cloves of garlic minced
4. ½ a tomato sliced thinly
5. Parmesan cheese

Step 1
Melt the butter in a saucepan and cook in the garlic until it goes white (approx. 1 minute).  Pour the garlic butter into a container and put in the fridge to cool and harden slightly (approx 15-20 minutes).garlic-bread-butter

Step 2
Cut slices into the baguette leaving some of the bottom crust attached. Spread a small amount of garlic butter between each slice.  Place a slice of tomato between the bread slits.  Grate parmesan a top the baguette.garlic-bread-spread-stuff-sprinkle

Step 3
Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.  Wrap the bread up in tinfoil and throw in the oven for 15-20 minutes.  The top of the bread will be brown, the tomatoes soft and the cheese melty on top.  Serve with pasta of your choice and accept you are probably getting laid tonight.garlic-bread-bake

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SU-SWEATY BALLS-O-YAY! (spaghetti bolognese)

December 8, 2008
This hearty Italian classic will make anyone sing falsetto.  Ave Maria, baby!
This hearty Italian classic will make anyone sing falsetto. Ave Maria, baby!

“Ave Maria!” you sing from the plaza of the Italian village.  Your intended conquest comes out onto the balcony to gaze down at the lust in your eyes.  You continue with your falsetto, beckoning your lovely to join you for a magnificent meal that will knock their socks and knickers off.  They will smell the slow cooked perfection of this hearty, meaty dish from the “old country” and naturally follow you like a lemming on its way to an orgy.  This is the power of great Italian food.  The Italians pay such keen attention to the details whether it’s their fine tailored clothes or renowned culinary creations. Why should you treat the food any differently?   You may or may not be Italian, but that doesn’t mean you should boil spaghetti and cover it with sauce from a jar.  Cooking without passion is like banging without an orgasm.  There is really no point.  Don’t waste your date’s time or your charm on forgettable food.  This dish is guaranteed to spice up your night.  COOK TO BANG is not responsible should your lover scream aloud, “Mama Mia!”

Total time: approximately 1-3 hours depending on level of perfection desired

Projected cost for ingredients: $15 (still cheaper than a restaurant, many ingredients will last many more meals, and there will be leftovers)

bolognaise-prepIngredients:
1. ½ cup of red wine
2. 1 tablespoon of salt
3. 1 28oz. can of crushed tomatoes
4. 1 tablespoon of crushed red pepper flakes
5. 2 tablespoons of olive oil
6. ½ cup of heavy cream (optional)
7. 1 pound of ground beef or turkey
8. 2 pork or chicken sausage links chopped into bite-sized pieces
9. Parmesan cheese
10. 2 handfuls of thinly sliced mushrooms
11. 2 carrots peels and shredded
12. 5 celery stalks chopped
13. 1 red onion minced
14. 1 pound pack of spaghetti
15. 5 garlic cloves minced

Step 1
Turn the stove on to medium heat.  Heat the olive oil in a large stockpot and throw in the garlic and onions and cook until they are translucent.  Throw in the mushrooms, carrots and celery and cook the veggies down, adding the crushed red pepper flakes for spice (adjust to your preference: ½ tablespoon = snore, 2 tablespoons = hot damn!).
bolognaise-veggies
Step 2
Add the ground meat and sausage to the stockpot, mix it up with the veggies and cook until the meat turns grey.  Pour in the red wine and cook until the liquid dissolves.
bolognaise-meat
Step 3
Boil water in a separate pot and cook the spaghetti al dente.
bolognaise-pasta
Step 4
Pour the crushed tomatoes into the stockpot with the veggies and meat and mix together thoroughly.  Bring it all to a boil, then turn the heat down to its lowest setting and cook for 1-2 hours, occasionally stirring or adding water when sauce becomes too thick.  If desired, stir in the heavy cream a few minutes before you are ready to eat and allow the sauce to thicken.  Now serve the sauce over spaghetti with garlic bread and a bottle or red wine.  Sing falsetto as you present the food if possible.
bolognaise-saucybolognaise-served-2

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