November 20, 2015
There's so much to be thankful for...give some banging in return.
Tonight is the night. Whether you came home to see the relatives or are treating your closest friends like the family you bang, shit is going off this evening. This one goes out to all the people traveling to their hometowns who will catch up with old friends the Thanksgiving Eve. Odds are you will catch up on old times, tell lies about what you’re doing with your life, and drink yourselves into oblivion. This is the perfect recipe for banging that hottie you always wanted in high school, but never had the game to pull it off. The new you lacks that doubt that kept you from consummating a crush you likely slapped your genitals around over. Should the nerve of someone with nothing to lose (at this point, who cares?) still not stand at attention, you got one hell of a festive drink to inspire some courage. Thanksgiving in a martini glass will just about do it. These go down smooth so be careful. You don’t want to do the walk of shame right into your family’s Thanksgiving dinner.
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $8
Eating Buddy: Anything and everything Thanksgiving themed
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 can pear nectar
2. 3 shots vanilla vodka
3. 1 tbsp pumpkin butter
4. Ice
5. 2 cinnamon sticks
Step 1
Combine the pumpkin butter, vanilla vodka, pear nectar, and ice in a martini shaker. Shake it vigorously like you did in high school when you couldn’t get banged if your dweeby life depended on it. Pour the contents into a martini glass and garnish with a cinnamon stick.
Drink ‘em up, drink ‘em down. Become that drunken clown!
1 Comment | 
fusion, holidays, libation lubrication, RECIPES, THANKSGIVING | Tagged: alcohol, bang, banging, bangsgiving, bangsgiving bevvy, booze, cinnamon sticks, delicious, DIY, drunk, easy, family, fantasizing, food, friends thanksgiving, game changer, genitals, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, high school crush, holiday thanksgiving, holidays, homecoming, homemade, ice, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, oblivion, old friends, parents, pear nectar, pumpkin butter, pumpkin martini recipe, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shaken not stirred, tasty, thanksgiving dinner, thanksgiving martini recipe, the new you, unsalted vegetarian, vanilla vodka, walk of shame, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
November 18, 2015
Pimp my pumpkin like Cindarella’s, but with way more umph!
Halloween is upon us. Truth be told, I’d take Halloween over Christmas, Thanksgiving and Kwanzaa combined. Something about turning yourself into someone or something else just whets my appetite for destruction. Unspeakable acts of mayhem and perversion have occurred on my Halloween watch. The fact I don’t remember much of it seems beside the point. The pretentious side of me finds the whole transformation thing very Kafka, while the idiotic derelict in me just thinks it’s a great excuse become reckless. So I always apply this theory to my pumpkins each year. My Halloween tradition is to purchase two pumpkins, one to carve into sarcastic social commentary, and the other less pretty pumpkin I demand for free becomes something delicious. So I pimped my pumpkin into a soup with Thai-style flavor. The lucky lady who joined me for the jack-off-lantern carving party did agree and demonstrated her appreciation the old fashioned way…orally.
Total time: approximately 50 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: MO MOJO MOJITOS
Ingredients (for six):
1. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 4 cups chicken stock (use vegetable stock to make vegan)
3. 2 cups coconut milk
4. 2-3 lb pumpkin
5. Salt at your discretion
6. 1 teaspoon dried lemongrass
7. 1 onion chopped coarsely
8. 1 small handful of freshly sliced GINGER
9. Lime wedges to squeeze into soup
Step 1
Cut the ends off the pumpkin, skin it, slice in half, scoop out the seeds and gunk, and slice into chunks.
Step 2
Sauté the ginger and onions with 1 tbsp of olive oil, spicing it with lemongrass (approx 5 min). Add the pumpkin, throw in the remaining olive oil and sauté until the pumpkins soften (approx 7 min).
Step 3
Add the stock and bring to a boil. Turn the heat down low and simmer (approx 35 min). Puree the soup, add the coconut milk, and heat through. Squeeze some lime into each bowl you ladle up.
Serve up this with some Thai NOODLES and you’re sure to have a happy ending.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, fusion, HOT LIQUID LOVE, RECIPES, spicy, thai, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, appetite for destruction, bang, banging, calivirgin, chicken stock, coconut milk, delicious, DIY, easy, fall, food, game changer, get laid, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, Halloween, harvest, homemade, intercourse, jack-o-lantern, jack-off-lantern, kafka, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, limejuice, mayhem, naked, olive oil, onion, perversion, pimpin’ pumpkin soup recipe, puree, recipe, salt, sauté, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, soup, spicy, tasty, thai, thai style pumpkin soup recipe, Thailand, transformation, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 16, 2015
On the ninth day of Hanukkah, give your date your body as the final gift.
Happy Hanukkah! I have banged enough ladies of the Jewish faith to make me an honorary Jew. So I understand the importance of latkes or potato pancakes to the uninitiated. They are ridiculously simple to make, delicious beyond compare, and give a sense of comfort. Those qualities are important when it comes to seducing the Chosen People. You need to put your best foot forward to impress this lot with discerning tastes and banging booties. Getting lucky requires a certain amount of gumption taking destiny in your own hands. Making perfect potato pancakes will position you nicely. Spin the dreidel like you spun the bottle pre-Bar Mitzvah. That’s two minutes in the closet, right after you finish your latkes!
Total time: approximately 55 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Wine, wine and more wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. Applesauce
3. Sour Cream
4. 2 dashes paprika
5. 2 dashes black pepper
6. 2 dashes salt
7. 2 potatoes
8. ½ JALEPENO diced finely
9. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
10. 1 egg
11. 1 lime wedge
Step 1
Preheat your oven to 350°F/175°C. Peel the potatoes and shred them (either use a food processor, cheese grater or peeler if you must). Combine the taters with jalapeños, 2/3 of the green onions, salt, pepper, paprika, limejuice and eggs. Mix thoroughly.
Step 2
Grease a baking pan with olive oil and then lay out 6 separate pancakes, leaving room in between them. Bake until the top end is brown (approx 30 min) and flip cooking until that side browns (approx 15 min).
Step 3
Plate up the latkes and garnish them with the traditional applesauce, sour cream and remaining sour cream.
I wish you a preemptive “Mazel Tov!” for when you get laid serving up these latkes.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, holidays, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, apple sauce, bake, baked latke recipe, bang, banging, banging booties, black pepper, calivirgin, chosen people, delicious, DIY, dreidel, easy, egg, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, hanukkah, homemade, intercourse, jalapeño, jew, jewish, kitchen, latke recipe, libido, lime, mazel tov, naked, olive oil, paprika, potatoes, recipe, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, sour cream, spicy latke recipe, spin the bottle, tasty, two minutes in the closet, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 13, 2015
Eat until they’re cute!
Beer-goggles are a time-honored utility that have justified more than a few plus-sized mistakes. I only wish I could say that I’ve never gone spelunking between rolls of flab. Granted, that was long before the Cook To Bang method was a twinkle in my eye. But too much booze to the brain makes what would have been as appealing as banging a beached whale rotting in the sun while sober seem like a swell idea when tanked. We all make mistakes; I just prefer my mistakes not shop at the Big and Tall. That said, sometimes when you’re in a rut, you just need to bang something. Anything. You need to rebuild your confidence the way a sports franchise has a “rebuilding season”. Beer-goggles are terrific to put your head back into the game as long as it’s far from the eyes of your friends who will no doubt mock you for your homely transgression. When the dirty deed had been done and did, you can fight the hangover and shame with some soul-inspiring beer-battered fish tacos. Or you could just make them for that hottie you’re sweet on.
Total time: approximately 20 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Enough beer to make your dog look like an extra in Gossip Girl
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup vegetable oil
2. 1 cup flour
3. 1 cup cheap beer
4. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
5. ¼ shredded coconut
6. ½ lb of FISH: red snapper, tilapia or rock fish cut in 3 inch slivers
7. ½ AVOCADO sliced thinly
8. HORIZONTAL MAMBO MANGO SALSA
9. 2 handfuls shredded cabbage
10. 1 tomato chopped coarsely
11. 4 small corn tortillas
Step 1
Create the beer batter by mixing the flour, beer and shredded coconut thoroughly.
Step 2
Heat up the oil in a pot that is deep and narrow. Dip a sliver of fish into the batter and immediately toss in the oil. Deep fry each piece until golden brown and transfer to a plate covered in paper towels to soak up the grease. Season the fried fish with cayenne pepper.
Step 3
Assemble the fish tacos by first placing the fish in the middle of the tortilla and then stuffing it with cabbage, tomato, avocado and mango salsa.
Serve these up with a side of GUAPO GRINGO GUACAMOLE if the deep-fried fish doesn’t have enough calories.
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, beached whale, beer-battered fish taco recipe, beer-goggled fish tacos, beer-goggles, booze, cayenne pepper, cheap beer, corn tortillas, deep-fry, delicious, DIY, easy, fish, fish tacos recipe, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hangover, homely, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, mango salsa, mexican, mexico, mistake, naked, plus-sized, rebuilding season, recipe, red snapper, rock fish, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shredded cabbage, shredded coconut, spelunking, sports franchise, tasty, tilapia, tomato, vegetable oil, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 2, 2015
-
- Rub and rub, inspire the love
This one goes out to all the carnivores out there with apologies to my vegan readers. After countless e-mails demanding carnage and threats to my life from the Beef lobbying arm, I have snapped to like a scared little lamb. Or was that calf? Rubbing hunks of meat up and down with tender care is a delicate art like origami or sword swallowing. So I caution you to take it ever so slowly, never rushing the process until it’s go time. When it’s finally time to put your meat to the heat, then you better be quick on your toes. Pan searing to perfection is no joke, blokes. Be quick on your feet and never miss a beat if you intend for your eats to end the night sweet. Somewhere in the distance a single tear rolls down a delicious cow’s cheek. Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | beef, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES | Tagged: apologies, bang, banging, beef, beef lobby, black pepper, calivirgin, carnage, carnivore, cow, delicious, DIY, easy, flip, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, greensbury market, guarantee, homemade, hunk of meat, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, origami, pan-sear, pan-seared rib eye recipe, paprika, recipe, rib eye steak, rub, rub my rib eye steak recipe, sea salt, season, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, skillet, steak, sword swallowing, tasty, vegan, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 1, 2015
Poonchiladas = Poonany – Math To Bang
I can’t go a week without banging out a new perverse recipe for Mexican food. There is something so comforting and snuggly about the ability of food South of the border (US, obv) to put an ear-to-ear grin on my face. It’s an instant crowd pleasure from a party full of dudes obsessively watching the playoffs to the sexy number you share a quiet Thursday evening with the lights down low. The best part is Mexican grub like these Poonchiladas are so easy to make that a jellyfish with a blindfold pull it off. True story. My arm is still throbbing from being stung, but the jellyfish’s was out of sight. No matter what nature show hosts might tell you, jellyfish sex is not that kinky. So what are you waiting for? If a invertebrate with only tentacles can pull off Poonchiladas, then certain you can CTB with this dish. Right? Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: bake, bang, banging, bar food, black olives, blindfold, cheddar cheese, Chicano, chicken enchiladas recipe, comfort food, corn tortillas, crowd pleaser, delicious, DIY, easy, enchilada, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, invertebrate, jack cheese, jellyfish, kinky sex, kitchen, lemon, libido, mexican, mexico, naked, nature show host, NBA playoffs, NHL playoffs, olive oil, playoffs, poonchiladas recipe, recipe, red enchilada sauce, salt, seduce, sex, shredded Mexican cheese, simple chicken enchiladas recipe, skinless chicken breast, tailgate, tailgating, tasty, turn the light down low, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 30, 2015
It was a dark and stormy night. There was a knock on my door. I opened the door only to find a slutty vampire ready to suck me dry.
The time is upon us! My favorite holiday has arrived and I am ready to indulge in all manner of costumed tomfoolery. You have to love a holiday that is an excuse for girls to bring out their inner sluts. And sluts are given a pass for being the whores they are. Dudes can act like maniacs and blame the “character” they are playing. This year I am dressing like a doctor with a cardboard box labeled: FREE MAMMOGRAMS. Someone needs to get the word out about Breast Cancer Awareness and if that means fondling hot strangers frittatas, I accept. Yet I digress from my main point which is encourage my readers to be reckless, drink heavily and sleep with someone dressed like a slutty nurse, hunky fireman or the 10 million lemmings dressed like Michael Jackson. Halloween is a perfect time to recruit new dates to COOK TO BANG. Serve this awesomely boozy and rather tasty orange punch and you’ll be well on your way. When in doubt, blame the booze. Boo! Read the rest of this entry »
4 Comments | holidays, libation lubrication, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, banging, beverage, black licorice, boobs, booze, breast cancer awareness, breasts, cocktail, dark rum, delicious, DIY, doctor, drunk, easy, fondle frittatas, food, game changer, get laid, ginger ale, gourmet, gourmet jungle juice, guarantee, Halloween, Halloween punch recipe, Halloween suck-her punch recipe, homemade, hunky fireman, ice, intercourse, kitchen, kool-aid, libido, Michael Jackson, mix, naked, orange, orange punch, party, pineapple juice, recipe, reckless, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slutty, sweet, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 19, 2015
“I’m long, and I’m strong, and I’m down to get the friction on!” – Sir Mix-A-Lot
Chicken salad makes most people think of a backyard luncheon on a Sunday afternoon after church. The respectable ladies wear their hats, fan themselves with the hymnal handouts, and nibble on dull chicken salad made with chicken, mayo, and sliced celery. I don’t blame you for dismissing chicken salad as a big old snooze-fest. But what if you substituted Mrs. Anderson’s usual yawn-inducing specialty with the Cook To Bang version turbo-loaded with all things banging? You got yourself a Whitesnake video in the backyard. The ladies will rip holes in their Sunday best, crawl across the foldout tables, and shake their teased hair around as if there’s an oversized fan conveniently blowing. The men, the good reverend included, will headbang and mosh, Jell-O cubes flying everywhere. Careful where you serve this salad! Cook To Bang is no liable for the aftermath.
Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, dairy, LEAFY & LOVELY, poultry, RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, artichoke hearts, backyard, bang, banging, basil, cheese, church, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, food, friction chicken salad recipe, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, headbang, homemade, intercourse, Jell-O, kitchen, libido, luncheon, mayonnaise, mosh, naked, parmesan, recipe, rotisserie chicken, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, snooze-fest, sun dried tomatoes, Sunday best, tasty, whitesnake, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 14, 2015
This breakfast is like so spiritual and full of heady karma, man.
The dirty longhairs have taken over breakfast! At least one that I picked up at a summer concert did. Mind you, she was a hot young not-yet-jaded hippie, but a hippie all the same. The previous night she proved herself to be a carnivore repeatedly stuffing a certain meat into her mouth. But come morning when the alcohol and whatever mind-alerting bohemian substance she may have been on wore off, the self-righteous hippie returned. There I was casually frying up bacon when she started lecturing me all about how the poor little piggies suffered. But this hippie-crite hottie was more than happy to eat eggs, neglecting to bemoan the miserable conditions of egg-laying hens. So I assembled the veggies in my fridge and did my best to improvise. This aphrodisiac triple-threat turned out pretty damn good for a meal on the fly. Good enough for me to bang her again before I inadvertently pissed her off when she saw the sign in my bathroom that reads: HIPPIES USE SIDE DOOR (no exceptions!). That saved me the trouble of announcing I was going seal clubbing that afternoon so she would leave. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | RECIPES | Tagged: aphrodisiac, asparagus, avocado, bacon, bang, banging, basil, black pepper, bohemian, breakfast, carnivore, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, egg mchippie, egg-laying hens, English muffin, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, hippies use side door, homemade, intercourse, jaded, kitchen, libido, long hair, morning, naked, piggies, poach, recipe, salt, seal clubbing, seduce, SEDUCTION, self-righteous, sex, summer concert, tasty, toast, tomato, vegetarian, veggie egg sandwich, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
October 9, 2015
Mamacita Carnitas will make you bang like cheetahs
Hey hey Mamacita!
So glad to meet ya!
Come over, I’ll treat ya
So sit and down eat, yah?
Mexican food brings me much joy and comfort. Somehow I don’t feel unique for that. Pretty much every date I’ve served sumptuous South of the border nibbles responds in kind. The hot like a cheetah mamacita just comes out. It’s on at that point with no turning back. You can’t close Pandora’s box of bodacious body bumping. So heed my disclaimer: Unimaginable pleasure will result from whipping these carnitas up. Those with whack taste buds and distaste for debauchery should probably find a new recipe site. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, mexican, poultry, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, brown sugar, carnitas recipe, cayenne pepper, chicken breast, chicken carnitas recipe, cilantro, corn tortillas, debauchery, delicious, details magazine, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, lime, mamacita carnitas, mexican, mexico, naked, onion, orange, Pandora’s box, paul kahan, pork, pork butt, poultry, recipe, salsa, seduce, SEDUCTION, Serrano chili, sex, south of the border, spicy, tasty, tomatillo salsa, vegetable oil, water, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 