July 30, 2014
I wrapped these tasty morsels up in lettuce and God said it was good.
You read that right. These lettuce wraps are no joke. Dr. Atkins is saluting them from his cloud in heaven. How could this much flavor be packed into such a low carb treat? Is it a miracle? Did God communicate this recipe to me from atop the mountain like Moses on Mount Sinai? The answer to all these questions is “You damn skippy!” This creation has absolutely nothing to do with the fact there was no bread in my house. Poppycock to those heretics who suggest otherwise. And the crowd of one I served it was certainly happy and surprised by the result. She too doubted that it would work. But I converted her into a believer. Can I get an amen? Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
May 14, 2014
- Experimenting in the kitchen leads to experimenting in the bedroom.
Experimentation makes the world go round. Where would we be without Ben Franklin accidentally barbecuing himself with a kite? I approach cooking with the same punk rock philosophy. My instincts usually lead to success, but every once in a while I crash a burn. My culinary experiments usually take place behind closed doors, the windows drawn, and a former Mossad security team keeping out the paparazzi. I can’t have my cooking rep suffer should I create a black hole of shame in my kitchen. There were these peanut butter cookies I made without sugar that were so bad they will follow me to into grave and end up stuffed in my suit pocket. Every once in a while a new recipe needs to be attempted on the spot. This skeptical lawyer whose ass still looks banging under her pantsuit was concerned when she saw me peel a tangerine and shell shrimp. “You’re putting that in my eggs?” I calmed down this sexpot lawyer that dominates in the courtroom and bedroom by pouring coffee into one of my beloved PHOTO MUGS. She drank the java, then ate her words, and entire plate, even forking away one of my shrimp! my lawyer lover ended up being late to her deposition because she subpoenaed me between the sheets. CTB 1 – LAW 0. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
February 28, 2014
Where the party at? In your pants of course!
Wondering where the party’s at? It’s wherever the hell you are at any given moment. You could walk into a nursing home and suddenly the geriatrics would be break-dancing and popping wheelies in their wheelchairs. Sound good? In order to make that shit happen, you better bring your A-game. That means throwing down something delicious, even it’s simple enough to assemble in total darkness underwater (not an ideal setting to cook, btw). So what is your lazy ass waiting for? Forget all the effort required to make pizza dough. Grab a big ass pita and make a big ass, booty-shaking pizza party for two…or more. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
February 7, 2014
Bangerine your date's reluctance to smithereens!
Tangerines are a whorish fruit. While oranges, kiwis, and grapes are off to church to pray they won’t be eaten, tangerines rub their citrus all over everybody. I’ve never met a fruit so eager for you to eat them out. They are like that hot girl who realizes her true nature is to be a slut, regardless of what their family, friends and community think. Fair enough I say. Who am I to deny something so tasty the privilege of my mouth’s company? Since tangerines are in season now and cheap (insert hooker reference here), I’m throwing them into the mix just about everywhere. In my salad? Obviously! In my cereal? Why not! In my eggs? My mornings have never been so skank-er-licious! So inspire the whore in your date by serving up a salad with the sweet tangy flavor of bangerines! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bangerine salad, banging, calivirgin, church, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, hooker, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, pine nuts, recipe, red wine vinegar, romaine lettuce, salad, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, skank-er-licious, tangerine salad recipe, tangerines, tasty, tomato, toss your salad, vegan, vegetarian, vitamin c, whorish, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 9, 2014
Dig on down to the underground. There are treasures to be found.
All kinds of exciting things happen below the ground. Ever hear of a gopher gala? What about a mole massive? Groundhog grind? Do you know what fuels all these critters crazy times? Root vegetables! Potatoes, beets, radishes, and oh so many more. Bully to the fancy pants food that grows above ground. No self-respecting tunnel-digging creature would ever admit to preferring a tomato to a carrot. So in honor of the subterranean happenings that I had the pleasure of attending, I whipped up an uber-healthy salad using only goods from down below. I had all the underground creatures sitting around my table like a Mad Hatter style tea party. It was messy, but oh so delicious. And then the queen of the mole people invited me into her boudoir for a private show you would never see on the Disney Channel. We were to be betrothed, but I escaped through a tunnel that led me back to my bed where I woke up confused and a little hungry.
Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
September 30, 2013
You a pimp or a shrimp?
This recipe comes courtesy of Pete in Brooklyn, NY. Great title, great combination of things I love. Pete writes:
When that Portobello just won’t do as its told, shrimp slap it. Yank at it, scrape it up, stuff it good and proper. There will be no more of that disrespecting your taste buds. You will get yours with this recipe. If you fail with this dish, you fail at living the good life. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
August 5, 2013
Fellas, say this when you serve it up, “Soy Senor Grande Magnifico!”
After you CTB for a while, you get immune to the awe-inspired praise. Deliver the two primal pleasures in large quantities and you will have them brainwashed. Wielding the culinary seduction skills of a wizard has its advantages. You are in control, literally dishing out doses of delight turns you into the banging equivalent of a crack dealer. Intense rushes of ìoohsî and ìahsî are dealt like vials of culinary crack on the playground. Your chosen playpal(s) will be unable to resist you whenever you lead them by the hand into your kitchen. Culinary crack hos they will soon become. This aphrodisiac triple-threat is the perfect first taste that will leave them begging for their next fix. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: ah, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, black pepper, brainwash, calivirgin, culinary crack ho, culinary seduction, delicious, DIY, easy, fig jam, fix, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, it’s so fig! shrimp, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, ooh, pine nuts, recipe, red onion, salt, sauce, sauté, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, shrimp in fig sauce recipe, tasty, triple-threat, wizard, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 8, 2013
The steaks are high. If we don’t bang, the world could exxxplode.
Upping the ante is the best way to take things from zero to banging. Like when the odds are against you in a hand of POKER, a little bluster counts for a lot. My process is to continually top my previous culinary efforts. Not only do my dates appreciate it, my skills improve more by the day. Go all in with your meal. They will swoon and you will collect that POKER BONUS. Meeting the expectation of cooking something nice isn’t enough for me. If it’s not exceptional enough to be remembered when they’re old and gray, I am doing something wrong. The Cook To Bang legacy must be etched into their sub-conscious and passed down through the generations like alcoholism. All food they taste after, even in Michelin 3 Star restaurants, should taste like sand flavored with sewage. Only then can I relax, a job well done. Sure I could have just made a salad, or drunkenly eat the leftover steak cold out of the fridge. But then I’d have to look at myself in the mirror knowing I was a disappointment to my family, friends, and even my pets. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
April 5, 2013
The roastest with the mostest!
It’s a damn shame how many people fear the artichoke. On the surface, it’s an intimidating vegetable. The spiky leaves that could kill a man certainly don’t help. Neither does the complicated center that is pretty, but inedible. But alas, once you get past all that superfluous nonsense, you got yourself an aphrodisiac that tastes like you broke off an angel’s wing and dipped it in wasabi. The texture alone should sell you on this magnificent gift from the food gods. Plus we’re talking finger food here. That means you can hand feed your date, fostering an intimacy you can later exploit. While you wait for the artichoke to roast, you can whip something equally awesome up or just waltz your date around the kitchen like a ballerina. Now be brave, be bold and buy yourself some artichokes! Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
January 27, 2012
Somewhere over the rainbow, something's turning me on. Must be my Wizard of Oz fantasy.
Nothing gives me a chubby like an aesthetically pleasing plate of food. Not only does it satisfy the hunger pangs, but the emotionally pangs as well. Mark my words, nothing inspires sexy time dessert quite like a beautifully presented meal. How it tastes is almost secondary to how it looks on the plate. Shallow? Perhaps. But don’t question the rules of culinary seduction unless you want that chard on to go to waste. Read the rest of this entry »
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Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 