August 5, 2013
Fellas, say this when you serve it up, “Soy Senor Grande Magnifico!”
After you CTB for a while, you get immune to the awe-inspired praise. Deliver the two primal pleasures in large quantities and you will have them brainwashed. Wielding the culinary seduction skills of a wizard has its advantages. You are in control, literally dishing out doses of delight turns you into the banging equivalent of a crack dealer. Intense rushes of ìoohsî and ìahsî are dealt like vials of culinary crack on the playground. Your chosen playpal(s) will be unable to resist you whenever you lead them by the hand into your kitchen. Culinary crack hos they will soon become. This aphrodisiac triple-threat is the perfect first taste that will leave them begging for their next fix. Read the rest of this entry »
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aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, IT’S ON!-TREES, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: ah, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, black pepper, brainwash, calivirgin, culinary crack ho, culinary seduction, delicious, DIY, easy, fig jam, fix, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, it’s so fig! shrimp, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, ooh, pine nuts, recipe, red onion, salt, sauce, sauté, seafood, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, shrimp, shrimp in fig sauce recipe, tasty, triple-threat, wizard, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
July 25, 2013
Roast them, eat them, do not fear them
Title translation: “Tomatillos for my friends with benefits”. Cook To Bang firmly stands behind our willingness to reach out and touch the sexy people of all nations and languages. I’m not only a representative of international culinary seduction, I’m also a client. Hence the multinational recipes, which truly give you BANG for your buck. Tomatillos are a piece of produce too often overlooked. No doubt, I have walked past them in my local bodega wondering, “What’s with those green tomato thingees wrapped in their own leaves? I shall deny their existence just as I deny that there is an alien living in my basement that watches reality TV all day. Sorry, Roger.” Luckily I managed to break down my fear of the unknown because I had a date coming over who had already tried a good portion of my edible arsenal. So on a hope and a prayer to one of Roger’s alien gods, I got down to business and made up something random, loading it with surefire aphrodisiacs. Wouldn’t you know it, my date was rather impressed with my latest efforts and showed it via some new moves she learned watching Animal Planet. We may have freaked Roger out with our inhuman grunts, but he’s a guest in my house. So tough titties, you alien freeloader! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alien, aphrodisiac, appetizer, bake, bang, bodega, cayenne pepper, delicious, easy, finger food, flavor, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hands off, honey, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, mexico, naked, not salsa tomatillo, olive oil, oven, reality TV, recipe, roast, Roasted tomatillo recipe, roger, romance, salt, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, spicy, spicy tomatillo recipe, tasty, tomatillos, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 26, 2013
Rejection is merely a learning opportunity so you can pull hotter ass later.
The way I look at it, anyone foolish enough to turn me down for sex is only punishing themselves. They will spend the rest of their lives wondering “what if?” while hearing field reports from their friends and family members how amazing I am in the kitchen and sack. No hard feelings on my end. Their loss is another girl’s gain. I (you) will bang plenty of strange over the course of my (your) cooking and banging career. Instead of kicking a can down the street in humiliation, I laugh off rejection and learn from my mistakes. Perhaps I was too pushy, not pushy enough, wasn’t wearing nice enough shoes, or perhaps my devastating good looks and devilish charm brought our their insecurities. Whatever the case may be, I adjust my approach as needed for the next date who understands how idiotic turning me down would be. The same rules apply with these squash I picked up from the farmer market along with a girl shopping for fresh berries. We combined our wares in more ways than one. Neither of lost because we seized the goddamn day! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bbq, black pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grill, grilled petit pan squash recipe, grilled squash recipe, grilled summer squash recipe, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, homemade, humiliation, insecurity, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, petit pan squash, recipe, rejection, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, summer, summer squash, tasty, their loss grilled squash recipe, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 29, 2013
If some asks if you have balls, assure them you got plenty flavored with ponzu sauce
Looking for a side dish that will steal the show and make your guests go “Ooh ooh!”? Look no further than this Japanese/Israeli fusion. Truth be told, I ate it a fancy restaurant that served seared ahi strips over it. The tuna was aight, but the couscous smacked me in the face and left me smiling 7+ years after the fact. Sadly, this restaurant shut down shortly thereafter. So I was left with little choice but attempt to recreate it in my own kitchen. I’m certainly glad that I did because this little side has been wowing girls ever since. Repeat CTB dates will often demand I whip up a batch, even if I’m serving PASTA. Apparently it left more of an impression that my naked body did after the meal. Fair enough. So long as one of my dishes pulls in repeat visitors willing to gratify my ego and libido alike, I will always have enough ingredients on hand should they be called for. And with that, I must whip up another batch because the ponzu couscous-hungry zombies have surrounded my house once more. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, healthy, Japanese, Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, carboluscious, couscous, delicious, DIY, easy, ego, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, giant pearl couscous, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Israeli, Japanese, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, ooh ooh, Ponzu couscous recipe, ponzu sauce, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, side dish, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy, zombies | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 3, 2013
Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn if you're tired. Let's bang.
I do declare! Watching all these thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby sure does make me hot under the collar. The horse racing is nice too. The Southern belles wearing their summer hats and sundresses easily bests watching graceful four-legged beasts kick up fresh grass. Hot to fucking trot! It seems this race is nothing more than an excuse for bourgeois people to socialize and fornicate. Fine with me. It’s like a guy in a threesome. He’s only there so the girls don’t feel like they are lesbians. Don’t worry, girls. Guys will always be willing to be your reason du jour. Naturally, girls peeling sundresses off in the summer heat makes you want to cool off with a classic Southern beverage like the mint julep. Plays your cards right, mix the drink well, and you gents might be lucky enough to be the excuse for a threesome. Just remember, you’re really only there to watch. Enjoy the show! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | libation lubrication, southern, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, aphrodisiac, bang, beverage, bourbon, bourgeois, delicious, drink, drinkable, drunken, easy, elegant, fancy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, horse racing, horses, intercourse, Kentucky, Kentucky derby, kitchen, ladies hats, lick your lips, mint, Mint julep recipe, naked, recipe, romance, scarlet O’Hara, SEDUCTION, sex, smarty Jones, south, southern, southern belle, tasty, thoroughbred, whiskey, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 8, 2013
The steaks are high. If we don’t bang, the world could exxxplode.
Upping the ante is the best way to take things from zero to banging. Like when the odds are against you in a hand of POKER, a little bluster counts for a lot. My process is to continually top my previous culinary efforts. Not only do my dates appreciate it, my skills improve more by the day. Go all in with your meal. They will swoon and you will collect that POKER BONUS. Meeting the expectation of cooking something nice isn’t enough for me. If it’s not exceptional enough to be remembered when they’re old and gray, I am doing something wrong. The Cook To Bang legacy must be etched into their sub-conscious and passed down through the generations like alcoholism. All food they taste after, even in Michelin 3 Star restaurants, should taste like sand flavored with sewage. Only then can I relax, a job well done. Sure I could have just made a salad, or drunkenly eat the leftover steak cold out of the fridge. But then I’d have to look at myself in the mirror knowing I was a disappointment to my family, friends, and even my pets. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, atkins, beef, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES | Tagged: 3 star restaurant, aphrodisiac, avocado, bang, banging, calivirgin, chop, delicious, disappointment, DIY, drunkenly, easy, expectation, field greens, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gray, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, leftover, libido, lime, Michelin, naked, old, olive oil, recipe, red onion, relax, rib eye steak, sand, seduce, SEDUCTION, sewage, sex, steak, steak salad recipe, tasty, tomatoes, toss, up the stakes, up the steaks salad, white wine vinegar, yummy, zero to banging | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 5, 2013
The roastest with the mostest!
It’s a damn shame how many people fear the artichoke. On the surface, it’s an intimidating vegetable. The spiky leaves that could kill a man certainly don’t help. Neither does the complicated center that is pretty, but inedible. But alas, once you get past all that superfluous nonsense, you got yourself an aphrodisiac that tastes like you broke off an angel’s wing and dipped it in wasabi. The texture alone should sell you on this magnificent gift from the food gods. Plus we’re talking finger food here. That means you can hand feed your date, fostering an intimacy you can later exploit. While you wait for the artichoke to roast, you can whip something equally awesome up or just waltz your date around the kitchen like a ballerina. Now be brave, be bold and buy yourself some artichokes! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: angel wings, aphrodisiac, artichoke, bang, banging, black pepper, calivirgin, citrus, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, olive oil, recipe, roast, Roast artichoke recipe, roast the choke blokes!, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, spiky leaves, tasty, vegan, vegetable, vegetarian, wasabi, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
March 13, 2013
Give ’em a good talker before giving ’em a shocker!
You could almost call this the “shocker” of salads. There you are serving your date up some salad and they’ll assume it’s some sort of noodle salad. Ha! You will laugh uproariously when you inform them this gluten and low-carb salad ain’t got none of that noise. We’re talking healthy to the point of being almost impossible to fathom. How could a salad taste so freakishly awesome with a texture akin to licking an angel’s naught bits? Unfortunately for you, my lawyers have informed me that these are trade secrets. But I fought back and insisted in at least giving out the recipe to my readers. So COOK TO BANG in good health knowing that somewhere out there you have a digital chef wingman looking out for your baser needs. Who loves ya? Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, asian, atkins, fusion, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: aphrodisiac, atkins, avocado, bang, banging, cilantro, delicious, digital chef, DIY, easy, fathom, food, game changer, get laid, gluten-free, gourmet, green onion, greens, guarantee, healthy, homemade, honey, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, libido, lime, low-carb, naked, naughty bits, noodle salad, recipe, roast, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, soy sauce, spaghetti squash salad, spaghetti squash shocker salad recipe, tasty, the shocker, tomato, vegan, vegetarian, wingman, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
February 13, 2013
Sugar mamas are also welcomed to slang cookies a la Cook To Bang
Calling all dudes! Here’s your chance to be a sugar daddy without tapping out your bank account. There’s no need to drop mortgage payments at clubs on bottle service, 10-course French dinners, or the shoe store. Instead steal their hearts and undergarments with your creativity and resourcefulness. Isn’t that why we Cook To Bang? I’m a sugar daddy that slangs sweet treats. Pass these out to one or all twelve of your sweetums. Each will be touched by your thoughtfulness and darling gesture. Who’s your daddy now, ladies? Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS, vegetarian | Tagged: bake, baking powder, baking soda, bang, banging, bottle service, butter, cookies, delicious, dessert, DIY, easy, egg, flour, food, game changer, get laid, gift, gourmet, grease, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, recipe, resourcefulness, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, slanging, strawberries, sugar cookie recipe, sugar daddy, sugar daddy cookies, sweets, tasty, thoughtfulness, vanilla extract, vegetable oil, white sugar, who’s your daddy, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
January 23, 2013
AKA Brie Bacon Lettuce Tomato Sandwich
Don’t let the BBW reference scare you. This sandwich is lean, mean and totally obscene. Just the way you like it. Here at CTB, we strive to make gourmet food accessible for the masses in DIY fashion. But sometimes we do you one better, and I’m not just talking about when candles are lit after a bottle of wine. Occasionally we take a simple classic dish and load it with sexy pretension. Sure you could make a BLT – Boring Lame Tired sandwich. But that will be as memorable as a premature ejaculator. You need to treat a sandwich like you would a well-planned yet nonchalant seduction. Bring on the Brie cheese! Allow the delicate flavors of France to remake this American classic. Now claim this sandwich to be your own design and accept the praise and sexual healing that will follow. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | french, fusion, RECIPES, SINWICHES | Tagged: American, bacon, bang, banging, bblt recipe, bbw, big beautiful lady tamer sinwich, boring lame tired, brie bacon lettuce tomato sandwich recipe, brie cheese, cherry tomatoes, delicious, DIY, easy, food, french, fusion, game changer, get laid, gourmet, gourmet blt recipe, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lettuce, libido, lunch, mayonnaise, naked, nonchalant, premature ejaculator, recipe, sandwich, seduce, sex, sourdough bread, tasty, turkey bacon, veggie bacon, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 