June 4, 2009
Whatever, however, whoever. Just Cook To Bang.
Admittedly, this salad’s title kind of blows. Not even with the steroids I scored from Manny Ramirez can I always bat 1000. But this salad neither blew nor sucked. It was totally off the hook yet totally unplanned. I found out way too late that the young lady who came over for dinner was a militant vegetarian. Something about a misdemeanor for chaining herself to a fur coat store in college. Note to self: stop picking up girls at yoga class. The killer SALMON DISH that is a shoe-in CTB was well out. But the consolation prize was she loved feta cheese. So into the fridge I went and in a moment of panic grabbed everything that looked like feta-friendly. The salad before you is whatever was in the fridge and it was awesome. My hippie crusader chained herself to my bed to protest us running out.
Total time: approximately 5 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: SLUTTY TEMPLE
Ingredients:
1. ½ head of romaine lettuce
2. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
3. 1 pinch of herbs de Provence
4. 1 handful of kalamata olives
5. ½ lemon
6. 2 endives
7. 3 green onions chopped coarsely
8. 2 tomatoes chopped coarsely
9. 1 steamed red BEET sliced thinly
10. Steamed ASPARAGUS
11. 1 small handful of feta cheese (leave out to make vegan)
Step 1
First you must prep the vegetables. Break the romaine lettuce apart every two inches and wash it all. Slice up the endives every inch or so. Also cut the asparagus every inch or so.
Step 2
Combine the sliced endives, romaine lettuce, tomatoes, beets, olives, crumbled feta cheese, Herbs de Provence, olive oil, and lemon juice in a large bowl. Toss that salad like a pro.
Serve it up to even the crunchiest of guests.
Leave a Comment » | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, fusion, greek, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, Mediterranean, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: Antoine salad, bang, banging, baseball, college, crusader, dairy, delicious, DIY, dodgers, easy, endives, feta cheese, food, fur, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onions, guarantee, healthy, healthy salad recipe, heart healthy, herbs de Provence, hippie, homemade, intercourse, kalamata olives, kitchen, lemon, libido, los angeles, Manny Ramirez, Mediterranean, naked, olive oil, random salad, recipe, romaine lettuce, seduce, sex, steamed asparagus, steamed red beet, tasty, tomatoes, vegetarian, whatever was in the fridge salad recipe, yoga class, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
June 1, 2009
Salmon? C'mon and on and on!
You want me to stop this COOK TO BANG madness? Never! Why would I when it makes the world a better-fed and less sexually frustrated place? The mayor of Bangor, Maine just gave me the key to the city. I handed him a secret recipe to bring some sexual healing back into his marriage. Apparently banging has returned to Bangor. I don’t like to think of myself as a hero, more of a civil servant. CTB is a community service that is no way court ordered from a conviction for public indecency when I broke into Martha Stewart’s kitchen while she was in the slammer and broadcast my own cooking and banging demonstrations. All three of those girls were legal, consensual and it was their idea! Anyway…it’s good to be commended instead of condemned. And with that, I give you this epically delicious salmon recipe that will keep you banging on and on and…you get the picture.
Recipe courtesy of publishing scion STEVE TOBIA.
Total time: approximately 40 minutes
Projected cost: $21
Drinking Buddy: White wine
Ingredients (for two, w/ leftovers for lunch):
1. 1 tbsp of vegetable oil
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. 1 heavy dashes of CHILI powder
4. 2 dashes of black pepper
5. 1 dash of garlic powder
6. 1 dash of Cajun seasoning
7. 1 small jar of capers
8. 2 dashes of Old Bay seasoning
9. 1 container full of chopped mushrooms
10. 1 container of cherry tomatoes
11. 1 red onion chopped finely
12. 1 pound slab of SALMON
Step 1
Preheat the oven to broil. Season up the salmon slab on an baking sheet with garlic powder, black pepper, Cajun seasoning and chili powder. Throw the fish in the oven.
Step 2
Create the sauce by sautéing the onions and mushrooms on high heat with 1 tbsp of oil with some black pepper (approx 4 min). Add in the tomatoes and sauté them with the white wine until they get soft (approx 4 min). Use the back of a spoon to pop each cherry…tomato. Turn the heat down low and simmer the tomatoes with the capers until the fish is ready.
Step 3
Keep the fish in the oven until the pan is searing hot and the seasoning has blackened on top (approx 20 min). Remove the pan from oven and smother it with the sauce, which will sizzle like crazy. Turn off the heat and throw the fish back into the oven, doors closed and let the sauce settle in (approx 15 min).
Serve up on a plate with some GROIN GRABBING GRILLED VEGGIES or GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.
Leave a Comment » | APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, RECIPES, seafood, spicy | Tagged: Alaskan wild salmon, bang, banging, black pepper, Cajun seasoning, capers, cherry tomatoes, chili powder, delicious, DIY, easy, essential fatty acids, fish, food, fungi, game changer, garlic powder, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Italian salmon recipe, kitchen, libido, mushrooms, naked, ocean, old bay seasoning, pop her cherry, recipe, red onion, salmon, salmon and on and on recipe, sea, seafood, seduce, sex, spicy, spicy broiled salmon recipe, tasty, vegetable oil, vitamin e, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 28, 2009
How far down? All the way down!
That mouth don’t belong nowhere but way down south. You best get to work with this much flavor on the line. You’ll need all your oral skills to suck out every last morsel of sweet sweet satisfaction. Don’t say I didn’t warn you about the flavor explosion in your mouth. It may shock you a little as it slides down your throat or dribbles onto your chin. But that’s nothing to be alarmed about. Just an unexpected ingredient popping by at the last second to make you think, “How about that?” Now be sure to spread the love out evenly. It could get messy otherwise. This is banging bait at its bangingest!
Recipe courtesy of Terrence, my favorite South Boston son.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Milk or the beer of your choice
Ingredients:
1. ½ a can of Shoestring Potatoes (Potato Sticks)
2. 3 tablespoons of peanut butter
3. 1 small bag of soft caramel or butterscotch
Step 1
Unwrap the caramel or butterscotch. Slowly melt them in a large pan on low heat (approx 4 min). Scoop in the peanut butter and dump in the potato sticks. Mix it all up thoroughly and use the spatula to spread it out into a small baking pan. Allow it to cool off in the fridge (approx 20 min) and chop it up into smaller chunks to serve. 
Leave a Comment » | fusion, RECIPES, SWEET TEMPTATIONS | Tagged: bait, bang, banging, caramel, delicious, dessert, DIY, dribbles, easy, food, game changer, get laid, going down, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, Massachusetts, mouth down south, Mouth down southie surprise recipe, naked, nuts, peanut butter, potato sticks, recipe, satisfaction, seduce, sex, shoestring potatoes, south Boston, southie surprise recipe, sugary, surprise, sweets, tasty, Terrence, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 26, 2009
Unleash the banging beast from your Cajun soul!
There’s a ragin’ Cajun in each of us eager to get out and start bangin’. Even those who’ve never been down south around Louisiana parts have one. It’s in the fine print of your body’s owners’ manual. He or she comes out every once in a while after you’ve fed yourself enough spicy food. It tingles at first, and before you know it, your body has been possessed like in some voodoo incantation ceremony. Your body dances, shakes, drinks and bangs to some mysterious West Indian drum beat. Those who know you best won’t recognize the crazy person speaking in barely coherent tongues. The words you say will fall somewhere between English, French, and marbles in your mouth. But don’t you worry. As soon as your ragin’ Cajun is done bangin’, they’ll become dormant and leave you to clean up the aftermath. Should you wake up next to some sexy, you’re welcome. If you wake up in jail, I ain’t paying your bail.
Total time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $11
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a BANGARITA
Ingredients:
1. 1 lb of SHRIMP
2. ½ tsp of Cajun seasoning
3. 1 tbsp of vegetable oil
4. 1 small handful of chopped celery
5. 1 tbsp of fresh chopped ginger
6. 2 cloves of chopped garlic
Step 1
Sauté the garlic, ginger and celery with vegetable oil on medium-high heat (approx 2 min).
Step 2
Peel the tails and shells from the shrimp. Sauté the shrimp in the oil until they pinken (approx 2 min per side). Sprinkle Cajun seasoning other the shrimp and cook in the flavor (approx 1 min).
Serve it up on a plate solo or with some SPANKING SPANISH RICE.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, Cajun, IT’S ON!-TREES, seafood, southern | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, bangin’ Cajun shrimp recipe, banging, Cajun, Cajun shrimp recipe, ceremony, crazy person, delicious, DIY, easy, English, food, french, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, incantation, intercourse, jail, kitchen, libido, Louisiana, naked, New Orleans, owner’s manual, raging Cajun shrimp recipe, recipe, seduce, sex, spicy, tasty, true blood, vampires, voodoo, west Indian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 20, 2009
At least you won't have to worry about these crabs.
I hear it’s pretty hard to get rid of crabs. But not so when you have a dip this deceptively simple. This is a perfect fast snack that screams out that you are one classy bastard. Serve this up with the beverage of your choice and take the date from conversation to heavy petting by their third bite. You can pull it off in two bites if you hand feed them. So what are you waiting for slacker? Slack off all the way into their pantalones!
Total time: approximately 3 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: White wine or a CHASING GINGER TAIL
Ingredients:
1. 1 box of round crackers
2. 2 tablespoons of cocktail sauce
3. 1 brick of cream cheese
4. 1 small can of CRAB MEAT
Step 1
Spread cream cheese around the edges of a deep bowl. Drain the crab meat and then rub it evenly into the cream cheese. Scoop the cocktail sauce and rub it evenly into the crab. Create a wheel of crackers and place the dip bowl in the middle. Drag the crackers along the edge of the bowl and scoop yourself up some good times.
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, seafood | Tagged: aphrodisiac, bang, classy, cocktail sauce, Crab dip recipe, crabmeat, crackers, cream cheese, cream cheese crab dip, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, heavy petting, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, pantalones, recipe, seafood, seduce, sex, shellfish, slacker, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 13, 2009
The meatballs keep a rolling rolling rolling!
Behold these sexy balls o’ mine! Why are you acting so shocked? My balls are so flavorful, so meaty, so ready to rumble. Clearly you aren’t ready to meet these round and rocking spheres of epic delight. I understand. I get it. You just try to appear that you are up for anything, but in truth you turn tail when presented with something bold that gets right to the meat of a situation. Not to worry for there are plenty of prospects who will be more than happy to embrace my raw essence. The barbarian inside shall be released in us ready and willing who shall indulge in an orgy of carnage and carnal delights. You’ll just have to sit outside my cave and listen to the pleasurable Neanderthal grunts of eating and banging. You’ll just have to read the erotic play-by-play cave paintings. I’d love to offer you our leftovers, but you know how grudges go. Can’t let it go until you admit you were wrong and willing to play by my rules.
Total time: approximately 35 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2)
1. 1 pound of ground beef (or turkey)
2. ½ teaspoon of salt
3. 1 teaspoon of pepper
4. 1 teaspoon of paprika
5. ½ teaspoon of crushed red pepper
6. 1 can of tomato sauce
7. ½ pound of dried spaghetti
8. 2 garlic cloves minced
9. 1 large celery stalk cut into tiny nibbles
10. 1 onion chopped finely
11. 2 tablespoons of olive oil (not pictured)
Step 1
Boil spaghetti al dente while you make the meat balls: mix in ½ the onions, ½ the celery celery, garlic, ground beef, salt, and pepper together in a bowl and create balls.
Step 2
Warm up 1 tablespoon of olive oil in a deep pan on medium heat. Throw in the meatballs and cook the bottom side until they brown (approx 3 min). Flip the meatballs and douse the remaining olive over the balls and brown the other side (approx 2 min). Sauté the remaining onions and celery and cook them down (approx 2 min). Bring the tomato sauce to a boil on and then lower the heat and simmer until the meatballs cook through (approx 15 min).
Step 3
Place a healthy serving of al dente spaghetti on each place, then set a few meat balls on plate and then smother it all with sauce. Serve with GARLIC (MY BALLS) BREAD and top it off with Parmesan if you are feeling cheesy.
1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, italian, Mediterranean, RECIPES, spicy | Tagged: al dente, balls, bang, barbarian, carboluscious, carnage, carnal, carnivore, cave paintings, celery, circular, crushed red pepper, delicious, dinner, DIY, easy, entree, food, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, gourmet meatballs, ground beef, guarantee, homemade, hot, intercourse, italian, Italy, kitchen, libido, meaty, Mediterranean, naked, Neanderthal, olive oil, onion, paprika, pasta, pepper, recipe, rolls, rumble, salt, sauté, seduce, sex, spaghetti, Spaghetti and meatballs recipe, spheres, spicy meatballs, starch, tasty, tomato sauce, turkey, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 11, 2009
The stuffed pepper party train has left the station!
It’s time to throw down! The week ain’t over yet, but you’re leady to let the dogs out. Woof to the M-F’ing woof! I suggest you get funky in the kitchen rather than unleash potentially rabid beasts onto the populace. Sure it may not be as thrilling as sending cooped up canines out into your neighborhood to attack mailmen and Xanaxed housewives alike. You will however avoid a lawsuit and a stern warning from animal control. Why not invite someone sexy over for a little party for two instead? What better way to do that than with bell peppers, chicken and apples? I do declare you are both in for a treat! Once you guys stuff yourselves with these aphrodisiac-stuffed peppers, it’s time for someone to get stuffed. Don’t be surprised if those same dogs howl along with as you both scream pleasurable expletives into the night. Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, fusion, healthy, IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, SEDUCTION | Tagged: animal control, aphrodisiac, apple, bake, bang, banging, basil, calivirgin, canine, chicken apples stuffed bell peppers, chicken breast, delicious, DIY, dogs, easy, food, game changer, get laid, get stuffed, ginger, gourmet, guarantee, healthy, homemade, housewives, howl, intercourse, jack cheese, kitchen, lawsuit, libido, mailmen, naked, olive oil, pine nuts, recipe, red bell pepper, red wine vinegar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, Stuffed bell pepper recipe, stuffed pepper party, tasty, who let the dogs out?, woof, xanax, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 30, 2009
Who get's freaky? Who do? You do! Now freaky fry your way to shangri la!
Ain’t nothing wrong with getting a little freaky in the kitchen. I get freaky every time I walk across the linoleum. Sometimes I’ll grind against my oven, do the old in-out with my cupboards, or just stick my hand all up in my freezer just because. Sure I could act my age and treat the kitchen with reverence usually saved for a church. But to me, my kitchen is my church and I am a goddamn pagan. Getting freaky with two chicken breasts is my way of giving thanks for all the bounty and booty that comes my way. So ladies, won’t you join me in this freaky heathen worship of the sweet and the savory? This chicken is baked, so it is far less fatty. That means we can get way more chatty, before I drive you batty with desire. So don’t be bratty or catty about getting freaky. It’s natural and oh so delicioso!
Total time: approximately 70 minutes
Projected cost: $9
Drinking Buddy: Beer or a margarita
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 cup of Cornflakes
2. 1 tablespoon of milk
3. 1 egg
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. ½ teaspoon of pepper
6. 2 chicken breasts
7. 1 green onion chopped finely
8. 1 handful of shredded Parmesan
9. 2 tablespoons of butter
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees F. Dump the cornflakes into a bowl and punch them into submission. Mix in the Parmesan, green onions, pepper, and salt. In a separate bowl, mix together the egg and milk.
Step 2
Pat dry the chicken breasts. Dip them in the egg/milk mixture and then stick the meat in the cornflake breading mixture, making sure both sides are coated. Place in a baking pan. Melt the butter in a pan and pour it over the breaded chicken. Throw it all into the oven and bake until the chicken is crispy on the outside and cooked through on the inside (approx 1 hour).
Serve with GARLIC GOING ON MASHED POTATOES.
Leave a Comment » | IT’S ON!-TREES, poultry, RECIPES, southern | Tagged: baked, Baked cornflake fried chicken recipe, baked fried chicken, bang, batty, bird, bratty, butter, catty, chatty, church, cornflake fried chicken, cornflakes, dairy, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, fatty, food, game changer, get laid, getting freaky, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthier, heathen, homemade, intercourse, Kellogg’s, kitchen, linoleum, low fat, milk, naked, pagan, parmesan, pepper, poultry, protein, recipe, salt, seduce, sex, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 27, 2009
Become the Lord of the Onion Rings
It’s hard to say no to someone who is fun and young (and legal, obviously). The same goes for a delicious side order liked baked onion rings. These finger foods are lower in fat so it doesn’t feel like a brick floating in your rotting guts. That’s one less reason to not get laid. These will keep you satisfied, but limber enough to make your move. Your date won’t complain about these rings being too oily and ruining their favorite outfit when you put your ungreasy paws all over them. So grope away like Frodo, the Lord of the Onion Rings.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $4
Drinking Buddy: Beer or soda
Ingredients:
1. 1 cup of cornflakes
2. 1 teaspoon of Cajun seasoning
3. 1 tablespoon of sugar
4. ½ teaspoon of salt
5. 1 egg
6. 1 onion cut into ½ rounds, then rings separated
Step 1
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees F. First crush the cornflakes without pulverizing them. Combine together with Cajun seasoning, salt and sugar. In a separate bowl, beat an egg thoroughly. Dip the separated onion rings in the egg and then the cornflake breading.
Step 2
Lay each dipped onion ring on a greased baking sheet. Throw into the oven and cook until the breading is crispy and clings to the onions (approx 20-25 min). Use a spatula to pry each onion ring off. Serve them up on a plate with your favorite condom-ment or with a SINWICH.
2 Comments | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, RECIPES, southern, vegetarian | Tagged: baked, Baked onion rings recipe, bang, barely legal, Cajun seasoning, carboluscious, cornflake onion rings, cornflakes, delicious, DIY, easy, egg, food, Frodo, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lord of the rings, lotr, low fat, naked, onion, onion rings recipe, oven, recipe, rotting guts, rounds, run young onion rings, salt, seduce, sex, side order, sugar, tasty, ungreasy, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
April 21, 2009
Fondle by candle light
Some prudes blanch at the idea of being touched, let alone being fondled. That is their beast of repressive burden to carry. Personally, I enjoy being fondled with regularity. What can I say? I’m a giver. I am always ready to offer up something phallic to the ladies on my CTB wish list. While this dish doesn’t look quite so fresh and so clean as a SALAD, it does tastes like it came out of an Italian mother’s kitchen. Every bite makes me want to sing an operatic falsetto because the taste is just too much of a good thing. Take advantage of this dish’s power and make me proud, old sport.
Total time: approximately 30 minutes
Projected cost: $12
Drinking Buddy: Red wine
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ teaspoon of black pepper
2. ½ cup of white wine
3. ½ teaspoon of salt
4. 1 tablespoon of olive oil
5. 1 teaspoon of crushed red pepper flakes
6. 2 diced tomatoes
7. 1 green pepper cut into long strips
8. 1 onion cut into long strips
9. 5 sausage links (chicken or veggie sausage OK)
10. 2 garlic cloves chopped finely.
Step 1
Warm the olive oil up in a large pan or wok. Toss in the garlic and allow to cook (approx 2 minutes). In the mean time, slice the sausages in half and set them skin side down in the oil. Flip once so the other has of sausage cooks (approx 2 minutes per side).
Step 2
Next toss in the onions, peppers and tomato, then stir in some pepper, salt and crushed red pepper. Pour the wine in and cook everything on low until the wine evaporates (approx 20 minutes).
Step 3
Toast some bread if you like. Split the toast and scatter them neatly on the plate. Serve up some Sausage and Pepper and sing Ave Maria!
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, italian, IT’S ON!-TREES, Mediterranean, RECIPES | Tagged: bang, black pepper, crushed red pepper flakes, delicious, DIY, easy, entree, game changer, garlic, get laid, gourmet, green peppers, guarantee, healthy, hearty, homemade, intercourse, Italy, kitchen, Mediterranean, naked, olve oil, onion, recipe, salt, Sausage & peppers recipe, sausage links, seduce, sex, tasty, tomatoes, white wine, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Ingredients:
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 