January 9, 2014
Dig on down to the underground. There are treasures to be found.
All kinds of exciting things happen below the ground. Ever hear of a gopher gala? What about a mole massive? Groundhog grind? Do you know what fuels all these critters crazy times? Root vegetables! Potatoes, beets, radishes, and oh so many more. Bully to the fancy pants food that grows above ground. No self-respecting tunnel-digging creature would ever admit to preferring a tomato to a carrot. So in honor of the subterranean happenings that I had the pleasure of attending, I whipped up an uber-healthy salad using only goods from down below. I had all the underground creatures sitting around my table like a Mad Hatter style tea party. It was messy, but oh so delicious. And then the queen of the mole people invited me into her boudoir for a private show you would never see on the Disney Channel. We were to be betrothed, but I escaped through a tunnel that led me back to my bed where I woke up confused and a little hungry.
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2 Comments | 
aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: alice in wonderland, aphrodisiac, bang, banging, beets, betrothed, boil, calivirgin, chop, delicious, Disney channel, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get down in the ground veggie salad, get laid, goat cheese, gopher, gourmet, groundhog, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, lemon, libido, mad Hatter, mole, mole people, naked, olive oil, peel, potato, radishes, recipe, root vegetables, root veggie salad, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, subterranean, tasty, tea party, toss, toss your salad, underground party, vegetarian, yummy | 
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Posted by cooktobang
December 9, 2013
We're talking bloody in a good way.
“This salad is bloody fantastic!” These are the words of my limey friend who sampled this salad I threw together. And no, I did not cook to bang my mate. He’s been striking out with the birds as of late so I gave him a quick cooking tutorial. I believe the geezer has his sea legs now since he’s used my recipes to bed a few strumpets already. The problem is he keeps making the same few recipes I’ve taught him. Sounds like we’re just about ready for another lesson. Perhaps he can repay me by teaching me the finer points of football (as in soccer for the uninitiated). With World Cup coming up, I need good talking points to pick up Brazilians. In the mean time, enjoy this uber-healthy salad with me new favorite fruit, the blood orange, which is bloody orangtastic. Read the rest of this entry »
2 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: avocado, blood orange salad recipe, blood oranges, Bloody fantastic, bloody orangtastic salad, Brazilians, british, citrus, dijon mustard, English, food, football, game changer, geezer, get laid, green onion, guarantee, healthy, intercourse, libido, limey, mate, olive oil, recipe, red wine vinegar, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, soccer, spinach, strumpet, tasty, UK, vegan, vegetarian, vitamin c, world cup, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 30, 2013
All we are saying is give pizza a chance.
Ever had someone tell you that they won’t bang you until there is peace in the Middle East? That is essentially the sugarcoated version of “when Hell freezes over”. Now’s your chance to be a real world hero and bang the long shot. All you have to do is unite the warring cultures with a little nosh using ingredients they all know and love. Make enough of these suckers and serve them to the leaders of said opposing forces at the table of brotherhood. By the first slice, they will warm up to their neighbor. Once they get their fill, the concessions will be flying like articles of clothing onto your bedroom floor. The UN will just have to wait for you to get done banging to award you with a platinum-plated Lamborghini. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, Middle Eastern, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: appetizer, arab, babaganoush, bake, bang, banging, brotherhood, delicious, DIY, easy, finger food, food, foreplay, game changer, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, hell freezes over, homemade, intercourse, Israel, jews, kitchen, Lamborghini, lemon, libido, long shot, naked, olive oil, Palestine, peace in the middle east, Persian gulf, pita, pizza, queso fresco, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, thyme, tomato, UN, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
November 4, 2013
Try this stuff and then you can't get enough truff!
People say scuffle like it’s a bad thing. Disorder and confusion in tight quarters is usually how banging is initiated. It goes back to the days of playing 30 seconds in the closet. Those first experiences that created your perfectly pervy personality are examples of the good kind of scuffle. No doubt, most of you have ended up with your tongue in someone’s mouth as a result of tight quarters like the doorway at some crowded party or the backseat of your friends Volkswagen. Random? Yes. Unexpected? Definitely. Awesome? You betcha! So bring on the scuffles with truffles. Truffle oil is like a love potion crafted by the love gods, yet available for a price at yuppie food banks such as Whole Foods. Worth every goddamn penny. The bottle shall create many future scuffles, that lead to shuffles into the nearest tight quarters.
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1 Comment | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, french, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: 30 seconds in the closet, bang, banging, bedroom scuffle truffle fries, Belgium, Belgium style fries, carbs, confusion, deep-fried, delicious, disorder, DIY, easy, euro, food, French fries, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, libido, love gods, naked, parmesan, pervy, potatoes, recipe, russet potatoes, sea salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, tasty, tight quarters, truffle parmesan French fries recipe, vegetable oil, vegetarians, Volkswagen, white truffle oil, you betcha, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 23, 2013
Soba So Lucky So Good
There are bad carbs and good carbs. Some good carbs can be great carbs with the right amount of sex appeal. We’re about to take what is already damn good for you and make it damn good for your culinary seduction game. Leave it to the Japanese to make noodles this banging on the healthy scale. They already brought us ninjas, sumo wrestling, and anime porn. No one should be surprised that their culinary innovations are as versatile as a geisha who goes from flower dancing to lap dancing. The addition of winter veggies creates an extra bonus like banging a hottie who can actually carry on a conversation other than shopping or sports. I think I’m in love, or just very hungry and horny. Either way, munch freely! Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, healthy, Japanese, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: anime, asian, bang, banging, carbs, cilantro, delicious, DIY, easy, fish sauce, food, game changer, garlic, geisha, get laid, gourmet, green onion, guarantee, healthy, homemade, horny, hottie, hungry, I think I’m in love, intercourse, japan, Japanese, kitchen, lemongrass, libido, light, lime, naked, ninja, porn, rainbow chard, recipe, rice vinegar, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, so banging soba noodles, soba noodle recipe, soba noodles, soy sauce, sumo wrestling, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, versatile, white radish, winter vegetable soba noodles, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
September 17, 2013
Get ready for a booty quake that will shake your whole neighborhood. Be sure that you take precautionary measures while making this salad like wearing safety goggles, a fireproof apron and remain under a doorway. You don’t want blunt objects falling from the cabinet. Concussions really aren’t as sexy as celebrities make them out to be. But still 9 out of 10 famous people agree that this salad gets them hot and bothered. Their overpaid asses move, groove and behoove you to adore them. Go with it. Each bite is a fruity journey to the center of your pleasure dome. Serve this salad only to those whose asses you are keen to see shake in the moonlight. Otherwise your retinas may burn from an unspeakable spectacle. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, french, healthy, LEAFY & LOVELY, new zealand, RECIPES, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, basil, booty quake, celebrities, delicious, DIY, dressing, dried cranberries, easy, fruit salad, Fruitay bootay salad recipe, fruity, game changer, get laid, goat cheese, gourmet, greens, guarantee, healthy, homemade, intercourse, kitchen, kiwi, lemon juice, mixed greens, naked, olive oil, pear, recipe, red wine vinegar, roughage, safety goggles, seduce, sex, tart fruit salad, tasty, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
July 25, 2013
Roast them, eat them, do not fear them
Title translation: “Tomatillos for my friends with benefits”. Cook To Bang firmly stands behind our willingness to reach out and touch the sexy people of all nations and languages. I’m not only a representative of international culinary seduction, I’m also a client. Hence the multinational recipes, which truly give you BANG for your buck. Tomatillos are a piece of produce too often overlooked. No doubt, I have walked past them in my local bodega wondering, “What’s with those green tomato thingees wrapped in their own leaves? I shall deny their existence just as I deny that there is an alien living in my basement that watches reality TV all day. Sorry, Roger.” Luckily I managed to break down my fear of the unknown because I had a date coming over who had already tried a good portion of my edible arsenal. So on a hope and a prayer to one of Roger’s alien gods, I got down to business and made up something random, loading it with surefire aphrodisiacs. Wouldn’t you know it, my date was rather impressed with my latest efforts and showed it via some new moves she learned watching Animal Planet. We may have freaked Roger out with our inhuman grunts, but he’s a guest in my house. So tough titties, you alien freeloader! Read the rest of this entry »
3 Comments | aphrodisiac, APHRODISIACS ANONYMOUS, FINGER FOOD FOREPLAY, mexican, RECIPES, spicy, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alien, aphrodisiac, appetizer, bake, bang, bodega, cayenne pepper, delicious, easy, finger food, flavor, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, hands off, honey, intercourse, kitchen, mexican, mexico, naked, not salsa tomatillo, olive oil, oven, reality TV, recipe, roast, Roasted tomatillo recipe, roger, romance, salt, SEDUCTION, sex, simple, spicy, spicy tomatillo recipe, tasty, tomatillos, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
June 26, 2013
Rejection is merely a learning opportunity so you can pull hotter ass later.
The way I look at it, anyone foolish enough to turn me down for sex is only punishing themselves. They will spend the rest of their lives wondering “what if?” while hearing field reports from their friends and family members how amazing I am in the kitchen and sack. No hard feelings on my end. Their loss is another girl’s gain. I (you) will bang plenty of strange over the course of my (your) cooking and banging career. Instead of kicking a can down the street in humiliation, I laugh off rejection and learn from my mistakes. Perhaps I was too pushy, not pushy enough, wasn’t wearing nice enough shoes, or perhaps my devastating good looks and devilish charm brought our their insecurities. Whatever the case may be, I adjust my approach as needed for the next date who understands how idiotic turning me down would be. The same rules apply with these squash I picked up from the farmer market along with a girl shopping for fresh berries. We combined our wares in more ways than one. Neither of lost because we seized the goddamn day! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | GRILLIN’ LIKE A VILLAIN, healthy, RECIPES, summer, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, bbq, black pepper, delicious, DIY, easy, food, game changer, get laid, gourmet, grill, grilled petit pan squash recipe, grilled squash recipe, grilled summer squash recipe, grillin' like a villain, guarantee, homemade, humiliation, insecurity, intercourse, kitchen, libido, naked, olive oil, petit pan squash, recipe, rejection, salt, seduce, SEDUCTION, sex, side dish, summer, summer squash, tasty, their loss grilled squash recipe, vegan, vegetarian, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 29, 2013
If some asks if you have balls, assure them you got plenty flavored with ponzu sauce
Looking for a side dish that will steal the show and make your guests go “Ooh ooh!”? Look no further than this Japanese/Israeli fusion. Truth be told, I ate it a fancy restaurant that served seared ahi strips over it. The tuna was aight, but the couscous smacked me in the face and left me smiling 7+ years after the fact. Sadly, this restaurant shut down shortly thereafter. So I was left with little choice but attempt to recreate it in my own kitchen. I’m certainly glad that I did because this little side has been wowing girls ever since. Repeat CTB dates will often demand I whip up a batch, even if I’m serving PASTA. Apparently it left more of an impression that my naked body did after the meal. Fair enough. So long as one of my dishes pulls in repeat visitors willing to gratify my ego and libido alike, I will always have enough ingredients on hand should they be called for. And with that, I must whip up another batch because the ponzu couscous-hungry zombies have surrounded my house once more. Read the rest of this entry »
Leave a Comment » | asian, carboluscious, CARBS WORKIN’ THE CORNER, fusion, healthy, Japanese, Mediterranean, Middle Eastern, RECIPES, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: bang, banging, carboluscious, couscous, delicious, DIY, easy, ego, food, fusion, game changer, get laid, giant pearl couscous, gourmet, guarantee, homemade, intercourse, Israeli, Japanese, kitchen, lemon, libido, naked, ooh ooh, Ponzu couscous recipe, ponzu sauce, recipe, seduce, SEDUCTION, sesame oil, sex, side dish, tasty, vegan, vegetarian, yummy, zombies | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
May 3, 2013
Frankly, my dear. I don't give a damn if you're tired. Let's bang.
I do declare! Watching all these thoroughbreds at the Kentucky Derby sure does make me hot under the collar. The horse racing is nice too. The Southern belles wearing their summer hats and sundresses easily bests watching graceful four-legged beasts kick up fresh grass. Hot to fucking trot! It seems this race is nothing more than an excuse for bourgeois people to socialize and fornicate. Fine with me. It’s like a guy in a threesome. He’s only there so the girls don’t feel like they are lesbians. Don’t worry, girls. Guys will always be willing to be your reason du jour. Naturally, girls peeling sundresses off in the summer heat makes you want to cool off with a classic Southern beverage like the mint julep. Plays your cards right, mix the drink well, and you gents might be lucky enough to be the excuse for a threesome. Just remember, you’re really only there to watch. Enjoy the show! Read the rest of this entry »
1 Comment | libation lubrication, southern, vegan, vegetarian | Tagged: alcohol, aphrodisiac, bang, beverage, bourbon, bourgeois, delicious, drink, drinkable, drunken, easy, elegant, fancy, game changer, get laid, gourmet, guarantee, horse racing, horses, intercourse, Kentucky, Kentucky derby, kitchen, ladies hats, lick your lips, mint, Mint julep recipe, naked, recipe, romance, scarlet O’Hara, SEDUCTION, sex, smarty Jones, south, southern, southern belle, tasty, thoroughbred, whiskey, yummy | Permalink
Posted by cooktobang
Cook To Bang - Recipes To Get You Laid 