Sometimes you have to take decisive action to get your freak on. That means going all in like in a high stakes game of poker and laying it all on the line. Well, perhaps that analogy is wrong. In fact, this recipe makes the art of culinary seduction seem easy. Polenta screams out classy and sophisticated. Just accept the compliment and go with it. Let the aphrodisiac double threat (black beans & avocado) and rich collection of textures speak for you. Don’t fret. The pants will come off like some freaky scientific mystery. I’ll give you a hint about the science: good food = great sex. And critics say this site is not educational! Read the rest of this entry »
CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP FOR THE TAINTED SOUL
January 27, 2014We all get sick from time to time. You would think that since I made a pack with the devil for success in my blogging efforts, I would never get sick. I thought the same thing. But then I took home a hottie with a cough. Turns out the one nightstand turned into a 1 week lay down in my bed. Don’t worry, it wasn’t swine flu. But I was unable to even text booty calls to service my aching body. So when I was strong enough to leave the house, I bought myself all the ingredients to make me healthy once more. Winging a traditional wholesome recipe, I created a soup that nourished me mind, body, and tainted soul. I was up and at ‘em by days end, ready to get back to my tomfoolery. Being the good Samaritan, I even delivered some soup to that sickened hard-body who infected me. Pish posh to those who say I don’t give back to the community! Read the rest of this entry »
IT’S SO FIG! SHRIMP
August 5, 2013After you CTB for a while, you get immune to the awe-inspired praise. Deliver the two primal pleasures in large quantities and you will have them brainwashed. Wielding the culinary seduction skills of a wizard has its advantages. You are in control, literally dishing out doses of delight turns you into the banging equivalent of a crack dealer. Intense rushes of ìoohsî and ìahsî are dealt like vials of culinary crack on the playground. Your chosen playpal(s) will be unable to resist you whenever you lead them by the hand into your kitchen. Culinary crack hos they will soon become. This aphrodisiac triple-threat is the perfect first taste that will leave them begging for their next fix. Read the rest of this entry »
THEIR LOSS GRILLED SQUASH
June 26, 2013The way I look at it, anyone foolish enough to turn me down for sex is only punishing themselves. They will spend the rest of their lives wondering “what if?” while hearing field reports from their friends and family members how amazing I am in the kitchen and sack. No hard feelings on my end. Their loss is another girl’s gain. I (you) will bang plenty of strange over the course of my (your) cooking and banging career. Instead of kicking a can down the street in humiliation, I laugh off rejection and learn from my mistakes. Perhaps I was too pushy, not pushy enough, wasn’t wearing nice enough shoes, or perhaps my devastating good looks and devilish charm brought our their insecurities. Whatever the case may be, I adjust my approach as needed for the next date who understands how idiotic turning me down would be. The same rules apply with these squash I picked up from the farmer market along with a girl shopping for fresh berries. We combined our wares in more ways than one. Neither of lost because we seized the goddamn day! Read the rest of this entry »
ROAST THE CHOKE, BLOKES!
April 5, 2013It’s a damn shame how many people fear the artichoke. On the surface, it’s an intimidating vegetable. The spiky leaves that could kill a man certainly don’t help. Neither does the complicated center that is pretty, but inedible. But alas, once you get past all that superfluous nonsense, you got yourself an aphrodisiac that tastes like you broke off an angel’s wing and dipped it in wasabi. The texture alone should sell you on this magnificent gift from the food gods. Plus we’re talking finger food here. That means you can hand feed your date, fostering an intimacy you can later exploit. While you wait for the artichoke to roast, you can whip something equally awesome up or just waltz your date around the kitchen like a ballerina. Now be brave, be bold and buy yourself some artichokes! Read the rest of this entry »
BLACKENED HEART CATFISH
May 25, 2012I like my catfish to match the color of my heart: black. At least that’s what every girl I just banged has said. Apparently sleeping with someone with no emotion beyond “boy that was fun, but the fact she hasn’t left yet is starting to annoy me” is not nice guy behavior. Who knew? I try to make up for my morally bankrupt existence through my culinary endeavors. Who’s to say that cooking a meal worthy of Jesus, Moses, Mohammed or Yoda can’t redeem oneself? This blackened catfish should at least temporarily make up for my blackened heart. Read the rest of this entry »
FINE AS HELL BELL PEPPER SOUP
January 2, 2012You are looking oh so fine!
I’ll warm you up and make you mine,
Ignore these less than stellar rhymes,
Just say yes to a little wine and dine!
Your creamy texture makes me yell,
I get all bent for your spicy smell,
Orgasms peak at the dinner bell,
Making the pious say, “What the hell?”
You make a player from a leper
A cocky bastard from a half-stepper
I collect coin with every endeavor
Cause you’re my little bell pepper.
Total time: approximately 80 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: LECHEROUS LEPRECHAUN
Ingredients (serves 2):
1. ½ tsp of CAYENNE PEPPER
2. ½ tsp of cumin
3. 1 can of chicken stock (veg for vegan)
4. 1 tbsp olive oil
5. ½ can of coconut milk
6. Black pepper to taste
7. ½ tsp of garlic salt
8. 3 red bell peppers
9. 1 onion chopped coarsely
Step 1
Roast the bell peppers in the oven at 400 degrees F until the skin blackens (approx 45 min). Remove from oven and throw them in a sealed bag. Refrigerate until they cool (approx 15 min), remove the skin and chop coarsely.
Step 2
While awaiting the peppers to cool, sauté the onions with the olive oil on medium heat. Add the garlic salt, cayenne pepper and cumin and cook in the flavor (approx 5 min). Add the red bell peppers and the black pepper and let them soak up some taste (approx 2 min).
Step 3
Pour in the stock, bring to a roaring boil, and then simmer closed until the veggies soften (approx 15 min). Puree the madness and then add the coconut milk and stir thoroughly.

MAKE HEADS SPINACH SALAD
May 31, 2011
Eat enough of this salad and you'll be like Popeye, banging Olive Oil until Wimpy hits you up for more burger money.
The object to any CTB meal is to wow your date into submitting to your carnal cravings. Their heads’ gotta spin like a GI Joe helicoptering after you twist him around until the rubber band almost snaps. Serve something forgettable, and you can forget any extracurricular activities. I don’t even waste my time with anything that might as well have been nuked from a Hungry Man Dinner. You shouldn’t either unless you prefer servicing yourself rather than have a smoking hot bombshell do it for you. Take this spinach salad. Sure I could have assembled a pre-made package in the time it would take to prematurely ejaculate (at least you’d get off). But a spinach salad that tastes like an angel floated down, fed you, and then gave you a reach around is more my speed. I wager those of you who enjoy similar celestial satisfaction will agree. Read the rest of this entry »
POLENTY OF ROOM FOR TWO
January 17, 2011What are you worrying about? We have plenty of room. So what if my place is small? I ain’t rich…yet. Besides, Cozy = Cosmic Connection. Our auras will be touching. Aura friction is just what you need to cheer up over the state of the economy. Just think of me as the spark to jolt you back into positivity. Now come on into my cramp little slice of heaven and make yourself comfy. Enjoy this little something I whipped up to show you, there is indeed Polenty of Room or Two. My bedroom is just down the hall. Read the rest of this entry »
SOCK-IT-TO-ME SALMON SINWICH
June 8, 2010Grilled salmon sandwiches WILL get the attention of just about anyone you care to engage in hanky panky. Give them the unexpected and they shall swoon. At least that is what I find every time I try something new or unusual. Even if you crash and burn, brownie points will be yours. But alas, I vouch for this recipe as “a friend of mine” in the mob tradition. This recipe is worthy of putting my life on the line. I have no quarrels with saying, “Yes, you may shoot me in the face if you don’t like it”. Sock-it-to-me! Read the rest of this entry »

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