ORAL TATER-SPLOSIONS

February 16, 2015
oral tatersplosions served

This recipe will self-destruct in 10 seconds…after you bang like a champ!

These potatoes are not unlike Inspector Gadget’s self-destructing mission assignments.  But instead of them blowing up and you get saliva across your face instead of soot.  These bad boys pack a walloping 1-2-3 punch of tasty, decadent flavor.  They are not for the pantywaists concerned about too much flavor overwhelming the subtlety of the evening.  Not on my watch!  Like Inspector Gadget, and really his dog Brain who did everything, I am working with a shadowy government organization seeking to rid the world of flavor.  That is where these potatoes come in.  It’s our secret weapon against those who would remove any remnants of toe-curling pleasure you could eke out of dining.  If we let them win now, who’s to say what they could next. Soon enough they’ll be taking away our love of banging! Glenn Beck should be all up in their tits.  Who’s the real American hero now, crybaby? Read the rest of this entry »


KIWI MELT IN YOUR MOUTH

September 25, 2014
kiwi melt served

It will melt in your mouth, your date will melt in your hands.

You know you’re in for a wild ride as soon as this melty concoction hits the tip of your tongue.  The first bite should make it clear that you ain’t eating your grandmother’s sandwich.  No siree!  We’re talking about the next step in culinary evolution.  Combining fruit, meat and cheese on bread was the inevitable next step in tasty temptations.  Sure you could just make a tuna melt that would put your date to sleep long before you can lay the mack down.  But why not just stick your genitals in the freezer? You won’t be needing those anyway.  Our world of convenience and innovation demands that you take a few extra steps to get what you REALLY want.  This sandwich will only take you a few extra minutes, which will be paid for in dividends when you are reclined, sweaty and gasping for air.  This kiwi melt should melt resistance and clothes right off.  What are you waiting for?  Make New Zealand proud! Read the rest of this entry »


STUFFING POLENTY OF PEPPERS

September 15, 2014
Get hungry, then get stuffed!

Get hungry, then get stuffed!

Sometimes you just need to do some stuffing.  You have those sexy bits laying around waiting for some action satisfaction.  Who are you not to play those kinky reindeer games?  Get with the program and get stuffed.  The fun part is taking the random goodies and seeing what will fit.  It’s a lot like object porn where they stuff foreign objects into small openings.  Shocking?  Yes.  Intriguing?  Sure.  Delicious?  Most definitely!  The stuffing I created for this dish was from goodies lying around my fridge eager for their day in sun…found in my oven.   This is your chance to blow a few minds and other parts of the body with your stunning creativity.  So polenta some panties off and start stuffing! Read the rest of this entry »


SHROOM SHAKE THE ROOM BURGER

August 13, 2014
Shroom Shroom Ka'Boom!

Shroom Shroom Ka’Boom!

Feel that rumbling?  That’s not your stomach growling for something homemade and delicious.  It’s the sound of a dance party emanating from a sandwich, reverberating across the room and making everything turn raver-licious.  Close your eyes and you will see strobe lights.  Suddenly we are all wearing baggy pants again and dancing with glow sticks, blissfully unaware how ridiculous we look to anyone sober. Like we care, right?  It’s 1999 all over again and I know the DJ.  Think of this shroom burger as the ultimate disco biscuit.  It is so damn good, you feel like you are high on god knows what.  You will certainly appear more attractive to whomever you serve it to.  Now the two of you can shadow dance with your hands like epileptic classical music conductors.  Rave on ‘til the break of dawn! Read the rest of this entry »


VESTAL VIRGIN VEGGIE MELT

May 16, 2014
Be invested in vestal virgins devirgination.

Be invested in vestal virgins devirgination.

Being a vestal virgin in the Roman Empire was a pretty sweet gig.  The priestesses had only to perform sacred duties in the temple and not give into sexual temptation.  It must have been difficult laying around all day in loose fitting togas in bathhouses.  You can be sure that there were a few brash Roman dudes who wanted a piece of that priestess ass.  Luring one of these holy hotties over to the baser world of grunts and fluids required finesse.  No doubt, some of these young fools would fight each other to the death in gladiator style.  Suckers.  The smart ones would employ the Cook To Bang method.  This simple sandwich with vivacious veggies courtesy of Gods Pomona & Facunditas could break their cursed celibacy spell.

vestal virgin veggie melt prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $5
Drinking Buddy: RAGING HARD ON LEMONADE

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 4 spreads of Dijon mustard
2. 2 handfuls of mozzarella
3. 2 English Muffins
4. ½ an AVOCADO
5. 4 BASIL leaves
6. ½ a pear cut sliced thinly
7. 1 green onion chopped coarsely
8. ½ a tomato sliced thinly

Step 1
Split the English Muffins and spread Dijon mustard on each half.  Place slices of pear, tomato, basil and avocado.  Drop a handful of mozzarella cheese and crown it with green onions.

vestal virgin veggie melt assemble

Step 2
Toast the sandwiches to dark brow or bake them at 350 degrees F until the cheese melts.

vestal virgin veggie melt toast

Serve the sinwiches up some HOT LIQUID LOVE.

vestal virgin veggie melt serve 2

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SHAKE YOUR POM POMEGRANATE SALAD

December 28, 2010
Pom pom pomegranate, pom pom pomegranate, pomegranate, master of fruit!

Pom pom pomegranate, pom pom pomegranate, pomegranate, master of fruit!

The seedy, juicy, messy Biblical fruit has invaded my kitchen.  This so-called super fruit is fabled to combat cancer, heart disease and ugliness.  The juice stains deep red so it has to be the mark of something special, right?  Naturally, wanting to make sure my readers are not only sexually satisfied, but healthy enough to enjoy the vigorous exercise associated with banging, I am bringing the pomegranate into the COOK TO BANG fold.  The seeds are a challenge to set free, but the joy they bring with each bite make them well worth the trouble.  It’s not unlike removing a stubborn bra: you may jam your finger in an effort to set free a pair of glorious juggernauts.  A little extra effort will pay off dividends when your date is touched by your concern for their health.  Come dessert time it will be paid forward and hopefully again for breakfast.  Now go on and shake it until you make it! Read the rest of this entry »


SCHMANCY QUESA-DIDDLE-YA

June 14, 2010

Just a dab will diddle-ya!

Quesadillas are an endless parade of potential. You can’t help but get creative with that classic cheese and tortilla combo. What cheese with what extra goodness is about as varied as positions in the Kama Sutra. Read the rest of this entry »


SQUASHTACULAR

November 9, 2009
spicy squash casserole served 3

Squash all resistance to your charms!

Some knucklehead who probably hasn’t seen a naked woman since his subscription to National Geographic ran out told me squash ain’t sexy.  Granted it doesn’t pack the same luscious sex appeal as an oyster or fig, but damnit, squash has gotten me laid plenty of times.  Squash is the perfect fall ingredient to prep you for the cold winter that lies ahead.  They are inexpensive, tasty and versatile as a bisexual Cirque du Soleil performer.  My problem is that I keep going back to my classic squash dishes.  But you gotta break out of routine, no matter how awesome that routine might be, if you hope to attain glory.  This little Frankenstein’s monster brought honor to my family; my reputation as a lady-slayer stands untarnished.  It was spicy, sweet and comforting all at the same time.  My one caution is that this side dish very well may outclass the rest of your meal.  So cook with bravado!

Total time: approximately 8 minutes
Projected cost: $7
Drinking Buddy: Hot Cider with a splash of bourbon

spicy squash casserole prepIngredients (serves 4):
1. 1 apple
2. 2 dashes CAYENNE PEPPER
3. 1 dash salt
4. 2 dashes cinnamon
5. 2 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
6. 3 petit pan squash
7. 4 globe squash
8. 2 large handfuls shredded mozzarella
9. 3 garlic cloves sliced thinly

Step 1
Preheat the oven to 350°F/175°C.  Slice the ends off the globe squash and cut into thin rounds.  Do the same for the petit pan squash.  Toss the squash with the garlic, olive oil, cayenne pepper and salt.  Lay them out in a large flat baking pan.
spicy squash casserole squashes
Step 2
Core and slice up the apple into thin slices.  Lay them evenly over the squash and season with cinnamon.  Scatter the cheese across evenly and you’re ready to rumble.
spicy squash casserole apple cheese
Step 3
Throw the casserole in the oven and bake until the apples and squash soften, and the cheese melts (approx 30 min).
spicy squash casserole bake
Serve as a kickass side to any number of outstanding ENTRÉES. You could eat it solo, it’s that good.
spicy squash casserole served 2

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POMEGRATIFY YOUR MORNING DESIRES

November 3, 2009
pomegranate scramble served

Antioxidize your sexual frustration!

I am most inclined to bang in the morning.  My attention is, shall we say, piqued? Not sure if has to do with the fact I’m well rested of that my dreams are so goddamn sexy that I turn myself on.  Considering my dreams are essentially Red Shoe Diaries episodes minus David Duchovny, I’d go with the latter.  When I have company come morning time, then the whirlwind of screams, moans and panting expressions of gratitude before and after breakfast are assured.  But there are occasions when I wake up alone, hungry for something that is not there.  Wondering what I do during those moments of frustration?  I forego the desire to go postal and channel my energy into a badass breakfast that will get my brain charged and inspired to not repeat another sexless morning.  This little treat was concocted and it satisfied most of my needs.  This weekend I remade this breakfast delight for my late night Halloween guest before homegirl did the walk of shame dressed like a slutty ice cream cone.  Could you blame me for going for the girl dressed like food?  I do after all, Cook to Bang…or in this case, lick to bang.

pomegranate scramble prepTotal time: approximately 10 minutes
Projected cost: $6
Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

Ingredients (serves 2):
1. 1 tbsp CALIVIRGIN olive oil
2. 2 sausages cut in bite-sized pieces
3. 1 dash salt
4. 1 dash black pepper
5. 3 eggs
6. ½ pomegranate worth of seeds
7. 1 handful shredded jack cheese
8. ½ onion chopped coarsely

Step 1
Beat the eggs with salt, pepper and half the pomegranate seeds.  CLICK HERE if you want to know the trick to getting removing the seeds.
pomegranate scramble beat
Step 2
Sauté the onions and sausage with the olive oil.  Pour in the eggs mixture and scramble like a champ.  Turn off the heat, throw the cheese over the top and cover until the cheese melts (approx 2 min).  Scatter shot the remaining pomegranate seeds and serve.
pomegranate scramble saute scramble
Serve this classy, antioxidant breakfast with some SWEET ASS-BROWNS or FORBIDDEN FRUIT SALAD.
pomegranate scramble served 2

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LEFTOVER SCHMEFTOVER EGGY WEGGYS

October 13, 2009
SF leftover eggs served

If they ask "Should I stay or should I go?", just shrug.

Sometimes the f@$%-it-all attitude is the best approach to life.  Whether we’re talking dating, cooking or anything that involves sheer pleasure, take a backseat and let it be whatever it will be.  I know that may sound difficult when you want something badly.  Trust me, I’ve been there and learned late in life the importance of not sweating the details. Heed my advice and settle down, tiger.  The eager beaver gnaws on wood and not much else.  This breakfast is a perfect metaphor.  The previous night I grilled my best SPANK MY HALIBUT yet along with some BOAST THE MOST ASS-PARAGUS for a date in who enjoyed it enough to let me sleep over.  Come morning time after my second round of banging the cobwebs out of my eyes, I stumbled casually into the kitchen and made this dish in a matter of minutes.  We dined, we banged and I slipped out the door, all at a leisurely pace, yet made it to work…only 15 minutes late!

Total time: approximately 5 minutes

Projected cost: $3 (plus whatever it cost to make leftovers)

Drinking Buddy: NOT-SO-TEENY WEENY BELLINI

SF leftover eggs prepIngredients (for 2):

1. 1 dash black pepper

2. 1 dash salt

3. 1 tbsp olive oil

4. 3 eggs

5. 4 tbsp SIMPLY SEXY SALSA

6. 2 slices cheddar cheese

7. Leftover GRILLED FISH

8. Leftover ASPARAGUS

Step 1

Beat the salt and peppered eggs.

SF leftover eggs beat

Step 2

Sauté the chopped leftover asparagus and fish with the olive oil (approx 2 min).  Pour in the eggs, but don’t scramble, just let the egg form around the leftovers like a pancake.  When the eggs cook through (approx 3 min), chop up the cheddar cheese and toss them on top, turn off the heat and cover, and allow it to melt.  Split eggs in half, serve up on plates and throw down some salsa.

SF leftover eggs saute scramble

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